Occasional dv. Feels too late to leave now.

[PokingHoles]

DH has been violent on and off for about 6 years and I was wondering if anyone else stayed for several years after dv started (albeit smaller scale stuff- throwing things, pinning against walls but no punching or anything that required medical attention)? I feel like a huge idiot for even posting this, and I do know I should have left several times in the past, but now I feel it's too late and I'm so stuck. We now have a dc and he's pushing for more asap, and I'm at a point now that I figure if I can't leave I'll just have to soldier on. He has never been physical to, or in front of dc, and he's an ngd rally.
The thing is, he hasn't been very physical in such a long tim (over a year, except when he tripped me up and threw something at me a few months ago).
I feel I've missed my chance to leave.
Has anyone else tried to leave a long time after a dv incident? I've tried to discuss the dv with him btw and he completely denied it ever happened, even tho I can list to himwhat hes done and when.
Looked at me totally blank like I was crazy. This is what has brought me to post her for guidance.
Please be gentle i know im a dick for staying. :( He actually does love me and 80% of the time everything's great, it's just the 20% that's so soul destroying.

pokingholes You have a challenge there with him working in the field.

But do you know what? blow the facade out of the water. Let the secret get out. The secret that you've peddled so furiously to keep under wraps.

I worked very hard to keep my misery and his abuse secret for years, and in the end, it was an utterly pointless exercise because I had grown so disconnected from my friends over the years that the effort of keeping the secret far far outweighed any 'benefit' or dignity as I saw it.

I know that I earned the respect of the important people when I left. And like anyfucker says upthread, I doubt everybody 'loves' him. My x was well respected in his field but he'd be deluding himself if he believed (though he does!) that everybody likes him.

I left when I knew that no matter what came next it would be better than life with him.

That was over 7 years ago and I feel like I've rebranded myself now! I no longer have to worry about what people think of me, 'that victim of abuse', as it was a long time ago now and they've seen me behave responsibly and get a job and create a life that is separate from his. So that fear of what people will think of you when you tell everybody, it's not something that should shape your decisions. If you need to tell somebody that is in the field, then so be it.

And also, you don't need everybody to believe you. I felt like I was on trial, being tried by the whole world. I felt like I needed to win the right to leave him, and to win the right to be believed. Now I see that I had it all wrong; that it didn't matter what his family thought of me because I did not need their good opinion.

Please just walk away from the mess and start again. You can rebuild another life. It might be tough for a while but you'll get there. It is worth it. I promise you. Even when I was worried about money I was able to sit there enjoying the freedom and the peace and just enjoying reading the paper or having a cup of tea. I found such pleasure in simple things after I left him.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine was. Please have faith in yourself, walk away and you can build a new life.

There was no way my x would have left the house. It would have been a dirty fight I hadn't the energy to win. He would have come at me in his fleet of tanks. So I didn't try to win that battle. I walked away. I'm glad I did that.

Keep talking to us here.

ps, I finally made the move to leave when my anti-depressants kicked in.

So I'm glad to hear you are on them. Not because I think you are depressed per se but because you are ground down and depressed by circumstances and the effort of trying to stay afloat. I think the anti depressants gave me clarity and a bit of a crutch. My x had made me go on them to stop me whining. I took them, I swallowed them thinking "i'm not depressed you fucking arsehole" but nevertheless I do think they helped me get away from him. They gave me some strength, some impetus.

You are not stupid OP. None of this is your fault.

It is a known fact that people who work in the field can be perpetrators of DV. It cuts across every walk of life, every profession, every social class.

You don't have to live like this.

Please call Women's Aid. If you're really worried about them knowing your H and using it as an excuse not to call, you could maybe not give your full name? Would that make it feel more okay for you?

I told him I didn't want to try for another child this morning. Felt like a very small pathetic step though. He sort of rolled his eyes and said 'yeah ok it's your body' then went to work.

Poking holes - some great advice on here and I want to say that regardless of how you think.others see him, like peeps say there'll be clues that some people will have spotted.

You shouldn't keep it a secret either. Make sure that you confide in a friend irl.

All the best xx

Don't worry about going to the doctors.

It was the report from my GP to the court that confirmed what a twat my husband had been, and for how long.

I read it and re read it, so many times, because I had always been told I was mad, (a common tactic), and that my madness would involve me losing my kids, this report made it abundantly clear that any and all problems I had were due to his behaviour.

It was a mind blowing report to read.

My GP has been beyond amazing. Don't be scared...they are trained in DA now. They know stuff.

Maybe a well woman clinic would be a good place to go. They will DEFINITELY have a good understanding of DA.

Leave.

It might be that you're ready now, but weren't before.

You need professional support to do this - to that end: Women's Aid 0808 2000 247. You don't have to give your name! They will support you in every way - they are the experts. It is amazing the boost it gives you, it's like rocket fuel.

You don't have to do this all at once, you do it bit by bit. I did it and many on here have done it. I was a total wreck. If i can do it anybody can. I mean it.

Do try to get along to the Freedom Programme. Wonderful course. If you don't feel safe going locally then try one further away/out of county. You don't have to give your name there, either. You can also do it online - but there is nothing like meeting others face to face who know what it's like.

People adored my husband - and I mean adored . Abusers have a perfect public face, they are charm personified to everybody else. Just not to you. Which is who they really are.

You can do this - one step at a time. Do it lovely, you must xx

Well done for standing up to him re future kids. Massive step. YOU ARE NOT PATHETIC. He has ground you down bit by bit. They don't do it all in one go or we'd see it for what it is.

How much does he value his job? Maybe you could get him out of the house by threatening to reveal the truth?

Just thinking out loud here.....I know how frustrating it is. I'm still living in my bedroom as I wait for court proceedings. Have a protection order but it's torture living under the same roof.

I agree with everyone who says 'leave'. But just wanted to add that maybe now, when everything is fairly calm, is probably a very good time to do it. You are thinking straighter, calmer and possibly stronger at the moment. Do phone women's aid. It is confidential.

I'm scared to call women's aid because believe it or he works in the field. Our local team might know him.

OP, over the years I have seen women married to/living with social workers, psychiatrists, doctors, policemen and vicars (amongst other professions) post here asking for help and support in leaving their abusers.

And they succeeded in getting away.

Please talk to your GP and Women's Aid. And come back and keep talking to us.

Turnover is absolutely right OP, there is an anaesthetic released in the body when you feel in fear of your life and you can neither fight back nor get away and feel like you've got no way out. Your system shuts down, it's the only thing left to protect you. It's the chemical released so you don't have to feel the sabre toothed tiger eating you. That's very likely a big root of your anxiety and depression. But you unfroze yourself enough to post here. That's huge. You're finding out your options, you're talking about it, this time you're doing something different.

Thank you so much for your messages everyone. I am going to try to tell a friend at work tomorrow and see what he says. I thought maybe I could go and open a new bank account in just my name at a different bank to the one we use too? Although I ould have to wait until I ask work to transfer my wages to a new account because he would kick off about that.
I am also going to try and bring myself to call women's aid.

I'm so glad you're starting to think about getting out of your situation. We're here when you need us :)

Well done on those big scary steps :) people on here really are great at support and ideas x

Hi op,

I just wanted to share with you what happened to my daughter and I as your situation is so very similar. I haven't logged in for a long time but couldn't read your thread and pass by.

I was with my husband for 12 years, there was a history of low level D>v, like you no punching or serious injury but pushes / shoving, restraining when I wanted to leave a room, barricading me in a room until I "listened" to him, shouting in my face, talking through gritted teeth and of course the utter denial that anything had happened afterwards.

In february this year my husband absolutely battered me. He had dragged me out of the shower and spent the next two hours beating me, he locked my daughter and I inside the house with him, during the whole attack I was naked. It happened in front of my daughter who was 13 at the time.
I suffered some awful injuries, I couldn't drive for almost two weeks and I was absolutely black and blue. I had concussion where he had head butted me and I was covered in grazes and scratches. My right breast had nail marks in a perfect semicircle and the imprint of his st christopher ring.
He had kneed me between the legs repeatedly and I had severe bruising and some contusions there for quite some time afterwards.
The most chilling part of the attack was that he did not touch my face, he deliberately avoided marking my face.

It has affected my daughter and I incredibly profoundly. My daughter is still in weekly counselling and sleeps in my bed most nights as she is terrified he will come back and reoffend. She has panic attacks and is very angry towards men in general.
I don't sleep. I have panic attacks and I struggle with family relationships in particular as I feel very let down with the lack of emotional support I have had although to be fair I kept the extent of the injuries and the full description of the last attack from them. I find the fact that I was naked too humiliating to describe in real life.
I have lost almost two stone in weight, I wasn't large to begin with so this is very noticeable. I am unable to contemplate a relationship with anyone else as I have such a low self esteem right now.
I am on a waiting list for counselling and have been diagnosed very recently with PTSD.

My husband has just been convicted of the attack on me. He pleaded not guilty and forced my daughter and I to go through a full trial. He has another trial soon as he breached bail conditions repeatedly. He denies that he ever attacked me and claims constantly that I attacked him. He has emailed my family and friends with very long detailed descriptions of me attacking him.

I wanted to share this with you because I wanted you to understand that occasional D.V will always end in a major event.
I am alive and that's a bonus but the effects of that last attack will never leave my daughter and I.
Things are getting better for us, it's not all doom and gloom but please please leave him before you have to go through anything like my daughter and I.
xx

My god, abitwrong. That is terrible. I hope you and your daughter recover from this. Not sure how to phrase it but I really hope you both have lovely lives from now on. What an appalling man.

abitwrong, thank you so much for sharing your story. God I can't believe what you and your dd have been through. I never really thought about it escalating out of the blue like that.
It has gradually progressed, although the first instance was quite scary and violent, after that it grew from shoving occasionally to breakin a laptop across ky back and one day pinning me against a wall when I was over due with our baby. I went into labour within half an hour and I have a niggling concern it was this that triggered it. God I am so stupid for staying. Your story and really shaken me. Im so glad you're safe now if nothing else. to you and dd.

"I thought maybe I could go and open a new bank account in just my name at a different bank to the one we use too? Although I would have to wait until I ask work to transfer my wages to a new account because he would kick off about that."

Please, PLEASE be very careful! If you're not ready to leave by the time your wages get paid into your new account, your husband will almost certainly start to realise that you're preparing to leave. And then the violence really could step up several notches.

Is there any way you could open up a secret account and drip-feed money into it without him noticing?

Bloody hell, abitwrong123. Words fail me. A trial! How brave you and your daughter are. God bless you.

PokingHoles: please pay close attention to what abitwrong has reported. DO NOT let that be you because that's what you could be in danger of if he gets wind that you're preparing to leave him.

He incessantly checks our online banking so I don't think I can get away with withdrawing money easily. Maybe I can ask in work how much notice they need to give to payroll and re think it.

Dear God, abitwrong. That is utterly horrific. What a sick bastard. I don't know what else to say other than I wish you and your daughter every luck and happiness for the future x

getting cash out with your supermarket shop does not show up on the statements.