Occasional dv. Feels too late to leave now.

[PokingHoles]

DH has been violent on and off for about 6 years and I was wondering if anyone else stayed for several years after dv started (albeit smaller scale stuff- throwing things, pinning against walls but no punching or anything that required medical attention)? I feel like a huge idiot for even posting this, and I do know I should have left several times in the past, but now I feel it's too late and I'm so stuck. We now have a dc and he's pushing for more asap, and I'm at a point now that I figure if I can't leave I'll just have to soldier on. He has never been physical to, or in front of dc, and he's an ngd rally.
The thing is, he hasn't been very physical in such a long tim (over a year, except when he tripped me up and threw something at me a few months ago).
I feel I've missed my chance to leave.
Has anyone else tried to leave a long time after a dv incident? I've tried to discuss the dv with him btw and he completely denied it ever happened, even tho I can list to himwhat hes done and when.
Looked at me totally blank like I was crazy. This is what has brought me to post her for guidance.
Please be gentle i know im a dick for staying. :( He actually does love me and 80% of the time everything's great, it's just the 20% that's so soul destroying.

It's NEVER too late. You any spend the rest of your life a used and unhappy. Read Lundy Bancroft "why does he do that?"

it will get worse.

it might be 80/20 now, but it won't last. it never does.

please leave now, by any means you can.

your family won't help you, they are part of the reason you're in the relationship in the first place, so you'll have to take this step to leave on your own.

I know it seems daunting, and an impossible mountain to climb, but it's really not impossible, when you've done it, you'll look back and wonder what took you so long.

please call WA for advice? an ear, someone to understand?

you deserve better, your child deserves better. the last thing they need is to grow up in an abusive environment, it really does harm them directly, whether they 'see' it or not.

please leave. I promise you won't regret it! not for a second!

And yes, remind yourself you don't need a reason to leave anyway. He will and make you justify your decision but you don't have to.

It'll only be too late to leave when you are dead.

Don't give your children this dysfunctional abusive relationship as a model for them to potentially emulate as adults. You and they can have a better life without this person in it.

Abuse like you have suffered from and continue to suffer to date is insidious in its onset. Abusers can also be plausible to those in the outside world but they are not all powerful and they do not fool everyone. They cannot maintain their act.

I doubt very much you actually do love himy; what may be happening here is an unhealthy co-dependency. He certainly has no idea what love is at all.

Do call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 ; I doubt very much they know your H even if he does work in the field. Fear keeps you within this as much as anyting else; feel the fear and do it anyway; blow this wide open now. Secrecy also keeps people trapped.

I've fought so hard to keep it secret. To 'protect' is from the outside worlds 'judgments'. It's just him talking bollocks though isn't
Weed, I'm so glad for you, leaving him you amazing woman! I hope you feel more safe now.

I know you're al right, and I am totally dependent on him, in every way. That's probably part of why I'm so scared. I feel utterly useless without him. I've had what I think is depression abd anxiety for years and the sole reason I have not sought medical help is because I think he would use it against me to get custody of my dc if I left him :(

he works "in the field" ?

Holy Christ

However I don't believe that every one is taken in by him. There are some very savvy people out there who suss out under-the-radars abusers like him. They don't feel they can say anything when you are still with him, but they know ... take it from me

Fucking Hell, the more you post the more you flesh out the actual Grade A cunt.

Stop keeping this terrible secret, OP. Tell one person your trust and take it from there. This cannot go on.

Is it actually, genuinely possible to get someone so controlling to let you go though? I dream about telling him to leave, and hm saying 'of course, I know I should be the one to move out' and off he trots to his mum's and leaves me with dc in the house, and its all amicable and adult. But thats just never, ever going to happen is it. That's what i need to get my head around. The fight he'll put up. I don't feel strong enough.

Read Lundy and call Women's Aid.
You can't get your head around it all in one go, and, no it is a whole different ball game from divorce in a non-abusive marriage.
Don't tell him. Talk on here, and to Women's Aid.

You need RL professional help and support

Keeping his grubby secrets is cutting you off from that

It's probably not going to happen, no. But that and fighting are not the only ways to end a relationship.

If I were you, I would find somewhere to stay, preferably somewhere to live permanently but just a temporary place if that isn't possible, and then only tell him on the day. "H, I am moving out. I have not been happy for a long time. I'm turning off my phone and I'll speak to you in a week's time regarding access to the children, first we need to get settled in."

Leave it as a note if you have to. Do it while the DC are elsewhere.

You can end a relationship for any reason you like. Or no reason at all.

Nobody gets to override anyone else's desire to leave a relationship. I've chucked men for wearing dated shirts or not liking The Smiths.

With kids involved of course it's more complicated but the law is there to protect you and your children. You have rights. He simply cannot decide unilaterally that the relationship must continue.

You need to leave because otherwise your DC will grow up thinking that the way your DH treats you is the right way for a man to treat a woman. If you have a DS, he may replicate his father's behaviour with his future partner; if you have a DD, she may unconsciously seek out a relationship where her partner controls her with violence.

It will be hard but you can do this. I agree with AF that you need RL professional help. Please take one small step and call Woman's Aid. They will help you.

Thank you everyone for the advice and encouragment. H is on his way home so may not be able to post again tonight. I really, really appreciate it. I'm sorry if I'm frustrating people. I'm just so scared and stupid. X

You're not stupid. Don't ever think that.

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme
Have a look at this, or find a local programme to attend ( but thinking this might be hard if you are working sporadic shifts. And I echo all those that are saying talk to someone you trust, womens aid or maybe a local specialist domestic abuse service.
You are worn down and conditioned to stay in this relationship by the abuser which is why you must find help and support to get out. You'll get lots on here too of course, so keep talking. The first steps are the hardest and you are making them! X

You have had very good advice. I have prosecuted lots of domestic violence cases and he is very typical. Please leave him.

OP, please come back when you can. Don't disappear on us now.

"Is it actually, genuinely possible to get someone so controlling to let you go though? I dream about telling him to leave, and hm saying 'of course, I know I should be the one to move out' and off he trots to his mum's and leaves me with dc in the house, and its all amicable and adult. But that's just never, ever going to happen is it?"

No, it isn't. Nice fantasy but that's what it is. A fantasy. Couple that question with your statement about your fear of him using you seeing the GP about anxiety and depression as a "reason" to want custody and it's obvious that he wouldn't go quietly or let you go quietly either. I'm not bloody surprised that you're suffering from anxiety: anyone would be. The depression is probably a consequence of the anxiety. They often go hand in hand.

To be frank, few men actually do fight for sole custody because working full-time and taking sole charge of a child full-time is hard-to-impossible without expensive paid care. And that would cut into any social-life he wanted. It's often used as an empty threat, however.

YOU ARE NOT STUPID!

You have been cowed by his violence and the constant, implied threat of it. Leaving an abusive partner is terribly, terribly hard. The hardest part is actually being brave enough face the facts in front of you and to accept the situation as untenable and resolving to do something about it. The actual leaving-part is down to practicalities.

Make a start. Begin to stash some escaping-money away in a bank account he doesn't know about. Make preparations in your head. Call Womens Aid. Speaking to them does not commit you to action. They will be there, ready for you when you decide you need them to help you leave.

i know im a dick for staying. sad He actually does love me and 80% of the time everything's great, it's just the 20% that's so soul destroying.

You are not a dick. He is.
He does not actually love you or he wouldn't treat you like that.
And if even 1% is soul destroying, then you should leave. Relationships should make us feel better, not worse.

Off to read the rest.

My god he sounds dreadful

Please don't let on to him that you are thinking of formulating an exit plan

Do your research, line up your RL support, then leave with as little fanfare as possible

Good luck

Eleven years I took it. Took several to actually realise and confront it to myself which is not easy but detaching helped a great deal. I told someone and that opened the flood gates, find someone you trust if you can. We have been separated since July and it wasn't as bad as I imagined it, not easy obviously but once I stopped giving him power I had the confidence to do it. My children are ok, I'm ok, not perfect and things are not easy but I am safe physically, emotionally still getting there. You have to be ready but recognising what had happened is the first step, mine actually improved but it was too late for the relationship. But I realised It is not too late for me. Good luck.

You have had very good advice.

I left after relatively minor DV and, yes, it was a struggle, but well worth it. 3 years down the line DS and I have a calm and happy life.

You will have to gather up every bit of strength you have. Because your child may not have witnessed anything yet, but it's likely that they will. In any case they will be affected by the dynamics at home.

Look around for other agencies if you are worried about contacting WA. MN have a good list on their DV site.
Or simply check solicitors and ask a few for advice.
It may be possible to contact WA anonymously if you are worried. Set up a dedicated email account, or get a PAYG phone.

Keep in touch. You will get there, even if it seems impossible now.

*Bitter has it right ... I am so scared for you ...