Occasional dv. Feels too late to leave now.

[PokingHoles]

DH has been violent on and off for about 6 years and I was wondering if anyone else stayed for several years after dv started (albeit smaller scale stuff- throwing things, pinning against walls but no punching or anything that required medical attention)? I feel like a huge idiot for even posting this, and I do know I should have left several times in the past, but now I feel it's too late and I'm so stuck. We now have a dc and he's pushing for more asap, and I'm at a point now that I figure if I can't leave I'll just have to soldier on. He has never been physical to, or in front of dc, and he's an ngd rally.
The thing is, he hasn't been very physical in such a long tim (over a year, except when he tripped me up and threw something at me a few months ago).
I feel I've missed my chance to leave.
Has anyone else tried to leave a long time after a dv incident? I've tried to discuss the dv with him btw and he completely denied it ever happened, even tho I can list to himwhat hes done and when.
Looked at me totally blank like I was crazy. This is what has brought me to post her for guidance.
Please be gentle i know im a dick for staying. :( He actually does love me and 80% of the time everything's great, it's just the 20% that's so soul destroying.

Poking - abusers can attend counselling courses, and such like, to 'get help'; the success rate of these is v v v small. He doesn't want to get help. He wants to carry on as he has been doing, becuase he can, and because he is entitled to hit you if he feels you deserve it. He already minimises what he does, he looks at you like you're 'crazy' if you mention it. It's no big deal to him.

He is not an 'amazing' dad - what about when he beleives he is entitled to hit them? Do you have daughters? You are bringing them up to believe that he/men have the right to hit women when they like.

You don't deserve it, no-one does. You are not breaking up the family - he has. You can still be a wonderful little family with just you and the dc . He will still be their dad, and if he is such an 'amazing' dad, he can still be, to them. Just not an abuser, to you!

"I'm trying to picture a future alone and freaking out somewhat. "

Wavering is normal after you've made any big life-changing decision. Don't worry but be with people who love and support your decision. Let them remind you as often as necessary that you've done the right thing.

Alone doesn't mean 'lonely' necessarily. Alone can mean 'independent'... not dependent on anyone, not beholden to anyone, not frightened and cowed into submission by someone trying to control your life though fear. You're not giving up on a marriage, you're rejecting fear.

Rather than picturing a future and making incorrect assumptions that freak you out, get some good advice on what it's going to look like for real. You have all the freedom and all the time in the world now. It's a huge opportunity for you and your DCs to have a much better life

His life is entirely his look-out now. Not your responsibility.

What do you do if you're not actually sure you want to split in this situation?? - the decision is not solely yours to make. you have your dc to consider - would they be happier in an abusive family, or not? From reading the threads on here, chldren of abusive marriages are terribly scarred, and wish that the stable parent had left the abuser, years before. I don#t think i have seen a single poster who was glad that the parents' 'marriage has not broken up'. He will not get better - it will only get worse.

It is not your fault.
You did not cause this.
You cannot FIX it.

OP, your idea of what a normal relationship is like is completely twisted. In your first post you wrote this: he hasn't been very physical in such a long time (over a year, except when he tripped me up and threw something at me a few months ago).

You are in denial about the extent of the violence in your home. Tripping you up and throwing something at you is being physical. It's like an alcoholic saying "I've been sober for a year apart from when I went out drinking on that date and on that date" - all the other days in between don't count.

You don't have to decide anything permanent right now. Why not give yourself six months to get back on your feet, do the Freedom Programme, and then assess what you want to do long term?

What do you need to work on? Not being hit whilst heavily pregnant? Not being tripped? Not having things thrown at you? You aren't causing these things to happen and you cannot make them stop.

Thank you so much everyone for your input.
He has gone from our home voluntarily and I will be able to move back with DC this weekend. Went to WA again today and they have once again been incredible. Also logged what's happened with the GP and got some tablets to help me through the next few months. She has booked me in for an appointment next week to follow up on how things are going. She also called WA for me to report I needed their assistance, apparantly this will help me get legal aid if needed in the future.
I have told a few more friends today, as well as my vicar, and went back into work to discuss returning and they have all been amazing and am much more supported and calm feeling now. Vicar has said they're so proud of me for leaving and telling them what's been going on, and if I need anything call them day or night and if I need money to call and they'll get admin to transfer it to me (a gift, they don't loan, only gift money) straight away.
H has agreed to allow DC to stay with me and have access when I say so.
I don't know what's going to happen in the future, I'm taking one day at a time and DC is currently quite upset and confused so trying to focus on that, and the practicalities of what's happening rather than my feelings atm.

I don't think I'd have ever taken the step of speaking up, let alone actually leaving if it wasn't for you guys and the fab staff at WA. Thank you especially to everyone who has shared their personal stories, especially abitwrong for taking the time to describe your story to me. It massively spurred me on to act.

MNers - You are the best.

I'm so pleased for you. I hope you can think more clearly now - I always said it was like coming out of a fog, to realise that my life was mine, not his. I think back (it's been almost twenty years since I took my control back) and I almost cannot believe that I didn't do or say something earlier - but put up with being throttled etc for four long years. It's hard to put myself back into myself them, because I wasnt myself, I was what he had made me into.

I hope that you are able to look back very soon and not recognise yourself, as I do, in the kindest possible sense.

That's great that you have been able to speak out to people and get the support you need.
You know that abusers thrive on secrecy and your ex fully knows that.

Don't let your guard down, though. Make sure him moving out and you moving back in is water tight and you don't find yourself again with him in the house.

Lweji I know what you mean. He is supposed to have pushed his key back in through the door, so he shouldn't be able to get back in, and WA are making a solicitors appointment for me so if it goes tits up I'll be ready...

Well done for making that big big step.

Can I just say can you get your locks changed when you get back in the house?

That hadn't really thought of that Londoner If he's left his key would it antagonise the situation to change the locks? Maybe I could see about getting an extra lock put inside the door instead?

Better you change the whole lock so he has no access when you are out. I know if he is on the mortgage you can't do that but maybe it is different in the case of dv? Anyone else know?

If he's left his keys, how will he know that the locks have been changed?

I'd change them.

Anyone can loose keys and need to replace locks.

But, you'll be better off getting a legal order to make sure he is kept away. WA should be able to guide you through it, or a solicitor, but you can also contact NCDV for advice and support.

Ok thank you both I will look into getting that done.

Sweetheart, its never to late to leave but too late to stay.

Ive just read through thread. Stay strong, hes a sick bastard.

I'm so pleased things are looking a little better for you. Huge respect for your courage in speaking out and telling people what's been going on. I'd also agree with changing locks, that way you want have to worry quite so much about whether he can get in. Take a deep breath and rest now, am sure you're exhausted. All strength to you x