Occasional dv. Feels too late to leave now.

[PokingHoles]

DH has been violent on and off for about 6 years and I was wondering if anyone else stayed for several years after dv started (albeit smaller scale stuff- throwing things, pinning against walls but no punching or anything that required medical attention)? I feel like a huge idiot for even posting this, and I do know I should have left several times in the past, but now I feel it's too late and I'm so stuck. We now have a dc and he's pushing for more asap, and I'm at a point now that I figure if I can't leave I'll just have to soldier on. He has never been physical to, or in front of dc, and he's an ngd rally.
The thing is, he hasn't been very physical in such a long tim (over a year, except when he tripped me up and threw something at me a few months ago).
I feel I've missed my chance to leave.
Has anyone else tried to leave a long time after a dv incident? I've tried to discuss the dv with him btw and he completely denied it ever happened, even tho I can list to himwhat hes done and when.
Looked at me totally blank like I was crazy. This is what has brought me to post her for guidance.
Please be gentle i know im a dick for staying. :( He actually does love me and 80% of the time everything's great, it's just the 20% that's so soul destroying.

A bit wrong (((((()))))))

Abitwrong, you need to tell people what he did. You deserve that support and you won't get it if they don't get the full story.. You can't let him have the upper hand just because he knows you feel too humiliated to tell the truth. These people need to be exposed for who they really are.

Perhaps you could get the police to talk to your family and explain what happened properly?

" getting cash out with your supermarket shop does not show up on the statements "
Better check this out, as it does on mine

I am with Halifax and it doesnt on mine, I dont think it does with my Natwest either although do check that as its been a while.

On my Halifax account it just shows the total and the place it was spent.

Poking if you haven't already, have a look at the threads on here by thenamehaschanged. Her journey to freedom isn't over yet but it is there, tantalisingly on the horizon. She had suffered mainly psychological abuse but it's been relentless and she has started to get out. She is an inspiration. You can do this too. There is endless cyber support and advice on MN and it has helped thename with advice at each twist and turn along the way. You won't be on your own is what I'm saying.
Re-read your own postings and make a plan please. You are in a most appalling situation. The posters here give brilliant advice night and day.

Sorry I haven't been back until now.

I rang WA, and I've taken my DC and left. Currently in friends house although she doesn't know why, so I am still hiding what's happened, although my boss now knows.
Any words of encouragement welcome, shitting myself now with £40 to my name!

You have done the right thing, well done

You did the right thing.

If necessary borrow from your friend.

Get WA on your case, get benefits sorted.

Just, please don't go back. It may be hard at first, but things will be better.

Thank you both, I have spoken at length with WA and a local refuge which was full so couldn't go to.

I have an appointment this week in a WA office, but not the one in my own town because I'm scared that they'll know OH.
I don't have a long term plan atm, but work have been incredible so don't have to worry about that.
OH is full of surprise and anger at me but I'm trying to stay calm and civil for DC sake.
God what a fucking mess. :(
The reality of surviving on my own has not set in yet.

Well done OP.

A new start. Hope you get the practicalities sorted out soon.

Please tell people in RL what has happened to you and take all the support you can get. You and your DC deserve it.

Huge well dine for taking such a scary step. Please get more help from WA, and go and claim benefits as soon as you can as they sometimes take rather too long to get sorted. You can also speak to your GP, get a referral to a food bank if necessary. Tell your friend, she's obviously there for you if yours staying with her, you need RL support, so do tell her, sending all strength to you, you can do this x

Oh well done you, you have absolutely done the right thing. Congratulations on the new life you and your children have ahead of you.

"have an appointment this week in a WA office, but not the one in my own town because I'm scared that they'll know OH"

Why are you scared that they know him? Are you trying to protect him? You know he doesn't deserve protecting don't you?

I have to say, even though I love him, it's been lovely not to have to see him. :(

I think I just wouldn't feel believed by them farend I didn't feel like I could trust them I guess. I know that's silly.

It's never too late to leave OP. Until it is...

m.youtube.com/watch?v=_8qJ7thLbgY

Well done!

This is the scary but but stay true and eventually this horrible bit will be your past and not your horrible now!

It's been 11 years for me and I can't even recognise the woman I used to be!

My gran left in her 60's after over 40 years of marriage and says it's the absolute best decision she ever made! (Even though she still occasionally thinks fleetingly how easy it would be to go back) but then she gets hold of herself and realises it's the first time in her life ever she has been free

Well done OP ! Def tell as many people in RL as you can!

Just because he may work with WA doesn't mean that he should be immune to the consequences of DV. in fact, it would/should horrify people more. A lot of posters come on MN in DV relationships, where the OH is a policeman, or solicitor, or town councillor, or whatever. They are the ones with it all to lose. They are the ones who should know the consequences. It's not up to you to protect him - he should be doing that for himself, with his actions. If he doesn't want to be seen as the violent bully he is, his actions should b whiter-than-white. It's not your fault.

Blow it out of the water. He deserves what's coming to him, the minute he raises a hand to anyone, least of all you.

Oh and the 'but I love him'? Have you looked up traumatic dependency?

Well done for leaving OP. That took real grit and courage but it was the right thing to do. Please keep contacting Womens Aid and telling your story to as many people as necessary. You can do this.

Good luck and best wishes

Can I just add to 'abitwrong123' a heartfelt thanks for sharing your story? I'm sorry you and your DD have had to endure so much but I think you just saved the OP's life. Be proud.

Ok, Oh God.
I'm now waivering. What do you do if you're not actually sure you want to split in this situation?? I'm trying to picture a future alone and freaking out somewhat.
What if we separate? And then he gets help? It feels very out of the blue to just give up on a marriage? Am I destroying my DC family? Will I regret it if I don't try to work on things at least for a while?

Shit sorry to be a pain! :(

Obviously leave - one word of warning - the family court does not buy into the amazing dads don't beat the child's mother ideology. More that if a dad expresses half an interest he is AMAZING and his relationship with the child should he totally supported even to the exclusion of the mothers wellbeing (conveniently overlooking the fact the mother and Childs well beings are inextricably linked) grrr. Good luck. Get the hell outta there x

Poking, please don't waiver, he won't change. He might pretend to, to try and suck you back in! Take a deep breath, don't panic & hold on in there!

He's had years to change.

How long would you keep waiting?

Do not waiver! He has broken your marriage, not you. You can't go back, for your sake or the kids. This will be the making of you, please don't go back.