Embarrassed to be posting AGAIN - I've been a fool

[yougotafriend]

So I had a thread in June/July about leaving my husband - I got loads of great advice on here, but allowed myself to be "talked down" AGAIN - an incident this weekend has made me realise that nothing is going to change unless I change it - but I'm so scared I'm making the wrong decision.

Background - "D"H has always been jealous/insecure/controlling, he was my first serious relationship so intially when he told me that it was my behaviour that was causing him to be like this (plus he was divorced after his previous W cheated on him) I justified and enabled him to continue.

I was always upset by the way he carried on but felt I could smooth the waters and "change" him by proving how much I loved him, but in reality the only person that changed was me.

We met in 1991, married in 1995 and had 2 DS (in 1996 & 1998) and it was probably not until 2000 when I decided to enrol on a counselling course that it finally hit me that I cannot change him and that it is his problem. We went through counselling together and him on his own, throughout all of it he totally admitted how unreasonable he was and said if the situation was reversed he'd have been off years ago!!

Promised to change and I loved him so wanted to give him that opportunity. I started to regain some of my old confidence back and doing things for myself, but with 2 young children there was never really enough time or money for me to do much.

Obviously many many incidents in the time between then and now - I've had my bags packed on 3 occasions - but each time I've fallen for the promises to change and "tried again", but each time a little part of my love for him has died - I have tried to explain that to him.

Anyway jump forward to now and I realise I have to be the one to make the decision - he is weak and never will no matter how bad things are. (And I don't believe he is happy either - he tortures himself with "what ifs" that makes it impossible for him to view any situation rationally). But what if in making it I am being selfish and I do riun my kids lives??? I want to go, but I can't even think about packing up and leaving without crying.

I have lots of support in RL, my family and firends have lived though all of our turmoil and no-one would judge me harshly for going - but I will judge myself....

Good luck! I'm 48 too. My EA XP, who is my children's dad, and I split up around 2 years ago.

I am sure it's the right thing, and I am much much happierbut I know what you mean about feeling bereft sometimes.

I sometimes find my self regretting what "might have been", rather than what actually was.

I did find it quite useful to write a list of all the horrible ways my ex had treated me. It helped to remind me why I was away. It still does. Sometimes when were out of a situation we forget very quickly about how on edge, guilty, nervy, incapable, unloved they made us feel. And why we shouldn't dwell on that- it can help us to move on by acknowledging what it was like.

We've got lots of living still to do! Xx

*while we shouldn't dwell on that..

I'm so glad you are in your own safe place now. Weird though it must feel. Everything is unfamiliar and dangerously open for comparison with what you've left. But that's material stuff. What you've left is misery, what you have is a new beginning, a clean and amazing new chapter in your life.

Of COURSE the house was talking to you, welcoming you. Houses have a sort of spirit too. Mine used to seem like a grumpy old man but we got used to each other. See if you can get fresh flowers to help you and house bond via natural scents?

I started my list of reasons why I left. Just off the top of my head, not even putting any thought into it at all, I got to no.26.

These are things he's said - episodes of stonwalling - people I've been accused of behaving inappropriately with - friends he disapproves of - trips/nights out/study that I didn't do/go on. TWENTY SIX!! - and that's only as a starting point - I don't think I have any paper big enough. Even as I'm typing this I'm remembering more...

And ironically a 4 year (emotional??) affair is only 1 of the 26, and it didn't even come top, so used am I to being told how insignificant and unimportant it was.....

Earlier my friend in work said "you will be happy - it just might take a bit longer than you hoped" and I realised I'm not sure i even recognise what being happy is. My emotions were so tied up in his emotions - I could only ever be happy if he was too. My heart is breaking for what I have lost (not him), the life I should've had, the life I thought I would have, the life that was always out of reach.

I just want to cry today - I've been teetering on the brink since I was waiting for the train at 8am this morning. Only a few hours to go till I can get in the shower and let it all out.....for now, I'll make do with a cuppa to soothe my soul.

I hope you're home now and feeling better. 26 eh?

www.wordle.net/

This thingy online will let you type stuff in and it makes word-art out of key words. I can't recall if you just use key words or type in your list, numbers and all and let it choose but I had fun with it some years ago. Glad to see it's still around. Try it. Might be sort of clenched-teeth fun. You could print some of the results out and frame them!