Embarrassed to be posting AGAIN - I've been a fool

[yougotafriend]

So I had a thread in June/July about leaving my husband - I got loads of great advice on here, but allowed myself to be "talked down" AGAIN - an incident this weekend has made me realise that nothing is going to change unless I change it - but I'm so scared I'm making the wrong decision.

Background - "D"H has always been jealous/insecure/controlling, he was my first serious relationship so intially when he told me that it was my behaviour that was causing him to be like this (plus he was divorced after his previous W cheated on him) I justified and enabled him to continue.

I was always upset by the way he carried on but felt I could smooth the waters and "change" him by proving how much I loved him, but in reality the only person that changed was me.

We met in 1991, married in 1995 and had 2 DS (in 1996 & 1998) and it was probably not until 2000 when I decided to enrol on a counselling course that it finally hit me that I cannot change him and that it is his problem. We went through counselling together and him on his own, throughout all of it he totally admitted how unreasonable he was and said if the situation was reversed he'd have been off years ago!!

Promised to change and I loved him so wanted to give him that opportunity. I started to regain some of my old confidence back and doing things for myself, but with 2 young children there was never really enough time or money for me to do much.

Obviously many many incidents in the time between then and now - I've had my bags packed on 3 occasions - but each time I've fallen for the promises to change and "tried again", but each time a little part of my love for him has died - I have tried to explain that to him.

Anyway jump forward to now and I realise I have to be the one to make the decision - he is weak and never will no matter how bad things are. (And I don't believe he is happy either - he tortures himself with "what ifs" that makes it impossible for him to view any situation rationally). But what if in making it I am being selfish and I do riun my kids lives??? I want to go, but I can't even think about packing up and leaving without crying.

I have lots of support in RL, my family and firends have lived though all of our turmoil and no-one would judge me harshly for going - but I will judge myself....

I know I know I know, his behaviour has been totally unreasonable, I am guilty of rescuing him again.... There's 23 yrs of conditioning for you!

I have definitely reached the "if not now, when?" point, I can't put up with this anymore, I just need to be sensible.

It's a hard call over the kids given their almost adult ages, my eldest is in final yr of college and I've always said that once that's over I fully expect him to go off travelling. My youngest had just gone into 6th form so has 2 yrs till he's away to uni, I just want them to feel my home is their home, wherever I end up. They are the only reason this marriage isn't a total right off!!

The law says that when you are married all your assets are shared, and when you split the legal position starts from an assumption of 50-50 and then looks at any reason to depart from that. "You're the one who wants out so I get to keep everything" is not an argument a court would give credence to. I know this because XH tried it on me.

I hear you about wanting to keep a space for them to drop in - although it doesn't have to be a very big house, does it? I have a modest 3-bed semi (more of a two and a half really), yet have managed to put up four sons at a pinch with judicious use of a sofa bed and a reclining chair.

I'm sure, at 17 and 18, your sons are only too well aware of what their father is like. And they would understand and support you leaving him.

Sometimes DCs just don't want any chance in the status quo at 'home' even when they're long gone and into their own adult lives, but what's important is the fact that they know you'll always keep accommodation for them and the welcome you give them.

I'm not disregarding them at all, but you really must think long term.

Am in a similar situation and after many years of indecision have seen a solicitor and filed for divorce. It is really hard but I know it is the best thing at the end if the day. I also worry that I will ruin my kids lives but as Yours are older I think that they may be more understanding.
Good luck

yougotafriend Thank you for sharing some of the many incidents that have led to this point.

If it helps, your boys are old enough - imo - to be included in your decisions and choices. You know this. Of course they will always have a home with you but at this stage it really is their choice where they plonk their feet. It's not a case of Telling them to be with you - it is up to them. I also get that perhaps you can't spill the beans too early. I also think, after a slow start, they'll be at yours so much you beg for a break!

I think you are very brave to face up to your own cut-off point! I agree with what Anniegetyourgun said.

I have this vision of you in a new place all your own, unsullied by misery. Still, there are processes and he doesn't get to keep it all ... so there!

Thank you all. He'd already sat the boys down and told them we are splitting before I even got in from work.... He said he thought he was ok with me going out without him but he's not, and I don't like that.... So simplistic!!
But anyway they're both ok, I've told them I'm not going anywhere in a rush, and told H I'm not making any decisions till after I've seen a solicitor.

I've moved myself into the spare room having first stopped at the supermarket for all lovely new girly bedding that I can take with me to wherever I'm going to live next.

Of course you feel like crying, you are feeling awful and this is an ending that you are facing up to. You will probably cry a river before you feel better. But as you know if you are training as a therapist- it wil get better, the awful feeligs will pass, nothing lasts forever and you can start on the road to better by taking the first step.

grrrr that he did that ... kind of sets the tone and pace for nastiness emerging on his part, eh? Gird loins and all that! Yes, most definitely an a-ok for the new bedding for your new room. And talking with DC. Your new journey has started!

The solicitor didn't really come up with any answers. Because our wages are similar (he earns about 15% more) because we both have a pension, because the DC are classed as young adults, because neither have any assets other than the shared property - it is basically up to me whether or not I go.

If I leave my position wouldn't be weakened in anyway - it is still my house and he couldn't deny me access - nor is his position strengthened by him staying and playing the "my wife left me" card.

Yes, he could make things awkward as far as selling is concerned, but I wouldn't push for an immediate sale anywhay - I just want out.

I moved into the spare room last night and did all the usual packed lunch stuff this morning (never did his anyway), and I was kind of wondering if we could make it work being seperated but living in the same house. then I remembered all the reasons why I'm leaving and gave myself a huge reality check - OF COURSE THAT'LL NEVER WORK.

The daughter of my Mum's neighbour has a property not far from me that she rents out and it suddenly popped into my head - I've been and it's lovely - only 2 bedroomed but to cut out the middle man and Agents fees etc it might be worth taking a chance. I called my mum to ask if she knew when the current tenant was due to leave - end of October - bloody perfect. Only the question of how much the rent is to clear up tonight but fingers crossed it'll be within my budget.

I didn't intend to tell my Mum so soon, but it all came spilling out, she's 76 and comes from the school of "you stick together and make things work" so there was a fair amount of "are you sure". But then when she realised I was she said "well I'm sure I don't even know half of it but from what I've seen of his behaviour over the years, there's loads of times I thought - that's just not right!" Flippen eck Mum!! Aww she's lovely and wouldn't have wanted to stick her nose in, she's knows I know I can come to her if I need her.

It does sound perfect, OP, fingers crossed for you! 2 Bedrooms is ok - can you get 2 beds in one of them?

I'm so glad your mum is ok with it - so many are of the generation that put up and shut up - and let their whole lives get lost in the 'what would the neighbours say' !

A mother's position is very difficult, you can only really criticize when your DC's ready to hear, otherwise you risk alienating yourself. On top of that OP your mum sounds like she thought it wasn't 'her place'

Sleep on any decision, maybe take up other free half hour consultations and only decide on a legal representative when you find someone you feel really confident in.

One thing I did read on MN recently is not to agree any settlement unless it's going to be finalized shortly afterwards as this had implications for the poster's relative due to rising property prices and a delayed settlement.
Obviously you know the market where you live, so bear this in mind.

Other than that if the two bed appeals to you, then I'm sure you can make it nice for you and both DSs and it's a bonus that it isn't far away from where you are now.

It's about quality of life now and you need to put yourself at the top of the priority list.

Thanks enrique your right Mum didn't feel she should get in involved and to be fair as I haven't listened to myself or to close friends and other family members over the years I probably would have justified his behaviour to her too.

The house is more expensive than I was expecting for a 2 bed, but she didn't say it was for me. I'm just gonna chill for a week or so weighing up my options, and if that really is the best out there, I'll see if they're prepared to drop it a bit for a trustworthy tenant (they've had some wrong'uns)

My eldest DS cooked my tea last night then me and my youngest made flapjacks together.... I felt very close to them both

It's heart breaking to be honest, when you can see things so clearly from the outside looking in, but you know you wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference if you told it like it is. I think we've all got experience of that whether it's with friends or family.
Shoot the Messenger is still the overriding reaction isn't it.

I hope you're taking your time OP and thinking it all through for your best interests.
Don't forget you will find a wealth of knowledge and support on here if and when you need it.

I am taking my time thanks. I've a weekend away planned from 10th visiting friends in NI so am waiting till I get back before taking the next step.

It's all quiet atm, but I guess we've been as far as this in the past so it's not unfamiliar territory until I do actually move out.

Good luck, OP

Good luck, yougotafriend.

My weekend away is a hen weekend (not told anyone what's going on - doesn't feel appropriate) and he's on the stag from tomorrow, flying to NI too Ryanair carry on bag only.....OMG he had a humungus back out to pack.....no way would they've let him on.....so of course, I get the right sized bag for him, all the while grinding my teeth.

Only that I'm looking forward to getting home from work tomorrow and him not being here, I'd have let him go and be turned away.

You've got a hint of humour going on there, yougotafriend - that's a good sign, hey?

I'm working today, the place where I work has an "open day" to try and convince 1000's of people what a great establishment it is and what a great city I live in......there is what sounds like a a tropical monsoon lashing against my window......this is going to be a hard sell today!!!

I have woken up with a feeling that there are 4 clear groups of people in my life right now
. Friends and family who know my situation and I can talk to
. Friends and family who know but who I pretend that I'm ok to
. Friends and family and work colleagues who don't know (I'll be with all of these all day today)
. Mumsnetters......

However supportive RL friends are, there is only one group I can rely on at 5.20am. Thanks all, today is going to be a difficult day of pretending

Good luck yougotafriend. You sound very calm and organised despite your situation. I hope today goes well at work.

What a nob.... He didn't take photo ID to the airport cos "no one told him he needed it" and is now on his way home..... I can't describe how gutted I am was so looking forward to a weekend with DC on my own.

I told him it says on the boarding pass (that I printed for him) that you need it "as if I'm gonna start reading paperwork"

well you'd better start mate cos I'm not gonna be around to run your life much longer...... nob nob nob

I want to second the advice to not leave the DCs.

A friend of mine has rented a small place while her H bought her out and remains in their former home. The two teenage DCs went with her and are happier in a pretty cramped place than they ever were in their childhood home, along with various pets who also went with my friend. They had to stay in the school catchment area and rent is expensive, hence the small place. My friend put a lot of the equity she got out of the house into a business franchise and is getting on her feet, so she won't be buying a house any time soon. The DCs are fine with that.

I would also sit down with the DCs and find out what exactly he said to them when he told them you were separating.

Thanks math he was kinder to me when he to do than he has been

to my face, (sort of) accepted responsibility tho simplified matters about as much as possible.

Re the house, I can't afford to stay here on own and living like we have been this week is unworkable long term and tbh I need to draw a line in the sand otherwise it will drift and drift and all the old patterns of behaviour will start to re-emerge.... That's a prediction based on previous experience......

I have been reassured by a solicitor that by leaving I'm not jeopardising myself financially, so I really cannot think of a good reason to stay.

I was hoping that me and DC could have a good talk about it without him being here this weekend, but that's not gonna happen now..... is it?

What a shame you weekend alone has been ruined, op. What an idiot! I think you even needed Id if you fly from Bristol to Exeter... Nob. Even driving licence would do.

Hope today goes well.