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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Embarrassed to be posting AGAIN - I've been a fool

130 replies

yougotafriend · 29/09/2014 11:11

So I had a thread in June/July about leaving my husband - I got loads of great advice on here, but allowed myself to be "talked down" AGAIN - an incident this weekend has made me realise that nothing is going to change unless I change it - but I'm so scared I'm making the wrong decision.

Background - "D"H has always been jealous/insecure/controlling, he was my first serious relationship so intially when he told me that it was my behaviour that was causing him to be like this (plus he was divorced after his previous W cheated on him) I justified and enabled him to continue.

I was always upset by the way he carried on but felt I could smooth the waters and "change" him by proving how much I loved him, but in reality the only person that changed was me.

We met in 1991, married in 1995 and had 2 DS (in 1996 & 1998) and it was probably not until 2000 when I decided to enrol on a counselling course that it finally hit me that I cannot change him and that it is his problem. We went through counselling together and him on his own, throughout all of it he totally admitted how unreasonable he was and said if the situation was reversed he'd have been off years ago!!

Promised to change and I loved him so wanted to give him that opportunity. I started to regain some of my old confidence back and doing things for myself, but with 2 young children there was never really enough time or money for me to do much.

Obviously many many incidents in the time between then and now - I've had my bags packed on 3 occasions - but each time I've fallen for the promises to change and "tried again", but each time a little part of my love for him has died - I have tried to explain that to him.

Anyway jump forward to now and I realise I have to be the one to make the decision - he is weak and never will no matter how bad things are. (And I don't believe he is happy either - he tortures himself with "what ifs" that makes it impossible for him to view any situation rationally). But what if in making it I am being selfish and I do riun my kids lives??? I want to go, but I can't even think about packing up and leaving without crying.

I have lots of support in RL, my family and firends have lived though all of our turmoil and no-one would judge me harshly for going - but I will judge myself....

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 16/10/2014 15:08

Good luck, I hope it's going smoothly. Male sure dc know they can move with them and more than that, that you really want them too.

Older kids often feel they have to do their duty and stay with the parent they think will cope less well - and you really don't want your dc to sacrifice like that.

mathanxiety · 16/10/2014 15:28

Of course he is the innocent victim of wicked you... How dare you want to separate from him and go your own way? He is angry because you are taking action here, not because of the action you are taking. He doesn't care about having a relationship with you or working on it. He cares about having the relationship on his terms. You have wrong footed him.

Ask your sol if he can put the house on the market. Since this is a marital asset I am not sure if this is possible without your assent and without an idea of how the equity will be split between you.

Will the DCs move with you?

Original poster
yougotafriend · 16/10/2014 21:13

spoke to both DS they're ok with us separating but want to stay living here. It's what I expected and don't see it as them choosing H over me, this house is all they've ever known, but I'm heartbroken all the same. At least they don't hate me!

I haven't spoken to H today but he's obv not told DC the same as he told me this morning about selling up. If he wants to sell I'm fine with that, the equity will be spilt 50/50

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/10/2014 21:20

Glad to see things are starting to come together for you

tipsytrifle · 16/10/2014 23:07

I shouldn't laugh really .. but of COURSE it's all your evil fault! *doh - did you not read the script? I hope you're well and truly (not)sorry as you plan your happy life, so close you can taste it ...

captainmummy · 17/10/2014 08:16

Yes you 'want friends round' - translates to 'you've got someone else' in his head. They really can't imagine that we could possibly want to get away fromhim, be alone, not be with anyone. No, we've got to be moving onto someone else. Angry

The dc may well stay with him for now, OP as it is all they've known, but once you are in your lovely new place, they may well change their minds. Esp if the house is to be sold.

Original poster
yougotafriend · 17/10/2014 10:00

He will always look at his version of events as the source of truth. I have to stop wasting energy wanting him to acknowledge and apologise for what a shit he's been - he never will.

I read other threads on MN and recognise so much of his behaviour in other stories but those seem so much worse than how my life has been - I'm starting to realise how much I've minimised his behaviour for so long and even when I've told friends about it - I've played down how on edge I am permanently.

The things he's thrown up at me (and still does) about my unreasonable behaviour e.g. "flirting" with the man I buy my train ticket from every day!! and I just take it and try to justify it - but I am so angry today I want to scream and shout at him about the 1 thing I promised never to bring up.

I haven't posted this before because I doidn't feel it was relevant to my current situation - but in reality it is completely relevant.

My emotianally abusive husband had a "virtual" affair for 4 years!!! I never found any evidence of it being physical but I did find evidence that he had been sending her naked pictures of himself - and I get hauled over the coals for chatting to a man at the train station - I am literally fuming with him and with myself for not walking out 5 years ago when I found out.

OMG that feels like such a relief to have said that (typed that) I had no idea I was holding so much in.......who needs RL counselling???? me I think!

OP posts:
captainmummy · 17/10/2014 12:33

Yep, move on OP. Don't waste your breath/energy trying to convince him; who cares what he thinks now?

'Flirting' with the man at the station - who cares? It is most likely him projecting, as you say. He is the one with the dirty secret.

When do you move out?

tipsytrifle · 17/10/2014 13:25

All too often an accuser charges us with their own crimes, so to speak. So guess what you stand already guilty of?

You might find that you have many years of anger ready to vent now; there is no more to gain from repressing it, so get ready - its strength might shock you a bit, but it's ok!

Hopefully you'll be away from him very soon!

mathanxiety · 17/10/2014 15:11

Projection is one of the things narcissists do. You can bet the farm that if he accuses you of anything, then he has done that himself.

mathanxiety · 17/10/2014 15:13

Flowers Sometimes it helps to post about things, if you feel like it.

FrancesNiadova · 18/10/2014 08:38

Sending a big bunch of Thanks for your new home.
Good luck op!

Original poster
yougotafriend · 19/10/2014 12:10

So now he's playing at "perfect husband" and driving me insane... arghhhhhh.....

I assume it is designed to make me realise what I'll be missing when I leave but all it makes me think is "why the f*ck have you let me do it all on my own for years?"

I'm the only female in our house and I swear no one except me has EVER change a toilet roll..... They have now..... It's such a little thing that just makes me more determined

OP posts:
tribpot · 19/10/2014 12:41

Just rise above it, yougotafriend. His perfect husband act must be less emotionally draining than dealing with him having tantrums, and if anything reminds you he can perfectly well look after himself and your kids once you've gone.

mathanxiety · 19/10/2014 19:42

It's all for show, designed to reel you back.

He is sore because you have taken the initiative, not him. (Hence, 'you're not leaving the house, I'm selling it'). He doesn't want you, he just doesn't want you to be the one doing the leaving.

MrsGeorgeMichael · 20/10/2014 04:29

Have you a date for moving?

Original poster
yougotafriend · 20/10/2014 06:53

No dare yet, the previous tenant left the place in a right state plus some dodgy looking "substances" around so they haven't been able to start a deep clean till after the police had finished. I'm meeting the owners this week so should have a better idea soon.

I spent the afternoon with my DSis yesterday, when I got home H said he wanted to discuss finances but it was late and I couldn't be bothered.... Needless to say "perfect husband" has left the building.

He launched into a tirade of how selfish I was, how he doesn't want this and it's not his fault he has a problem, how this whole relationship has been on my terms, and why should he put his life on hold waiting for me to go, just fuck off now!

I was raging and did argue back, I should've just walked away.

Later when I was watching TV and he was going to bed he burst in and said "and stop slagging me off on Facebook you dickhead". I am on fb but haven't mentioned 1 word of what's going on, he's not on which means someone has told him that, worrying.

I honestly can't wait to be away from the drama!

OP posts:
Original poster
yougotafriend · 20/10/2014 13:41

* No date yet *

OP posts:
captainmummy · 22/10/2014 08:34

re the FB thing - maybe he's confusing FB with MN? Make sure you delete your history and stuff, op. I know how difficult it is not to 'rage' back, but stay safe.

Hope the flat is ready soon - the 'substances' sound errr interesting!

Original poster
yougotafriend · 22/10/2014 10:05

I only access MN from my phone or work PC so don't think it can be that. I haven't said anything on here that I haven't said to his face though!

OP posts:
Funnyfishface · 22/10/2014 14:34

Haha the toilet roll thing made me laugh.

My h is also being the perfect husband - but like you I don't feel the same.

I'm still stood on the edge of the swimming pool, but one toe is getting wet!

Keep on swimming x

MadameLeBean · 22/10/2014 14:56

Good luck
Stay strong
My mum left when we were 16 17 and 19 (my dad was a controlling narcissist bully who had an affair) she got a lovely new house (although they lived together until they sold the old one which was v hard for her) and we are all still very close to her - more so than to our father - and she is so much happier and actually 9 years later has just remarried Smile
It's so nice to see her happy and not having to tiptoe around a critical horrible man

Original poster
yougotafriend · 22/10/2014 15:06

madame thank you so much for sharing, that fills me with hope.

The dubious substances were drugs and according to the police and subsequent info from neighbours they had a full on business going. The very lovely landlord had no clue and as the rent was paid on time no real cause for concern..... I'm glad it'll be empty for a few weeks before I move in otherwise I could have been expecting some interesting visitors.... haha

OP posts:
MadameLeBean · 22/10/2014 15:09

Will the kids move in with you once the house is sold?

captainmummy · 22/10/2014 15:14

Ha - at least it'll be well...... dusted!