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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Embarrassed to be posting AGAIN - I've been a fool

130 replies

yougotafriend · 29/09/2014 11:11

So I had a thread in June/July about leaving my husband - I got loads of great advice on here, but allowed myself to be "talked down" AGAIN - an incident this weekend has made me realise that nothing is going to change unless I change it - but I'm so scared I'm making the wrong decision.

Background - "D"H has always been jealous/insecure/controlling, he was my first serious relationship so intially when he told me that it was my behaviour that was causing him to be like this (plus he was divorced after his previous W cheated on him) I justified and enabled him to continue.

I was always upset by the way he carried on but felt I could smooth the waters and "change" him by proving how much I loved him, but in reality the only person that changed was me.

We met in 1991, married in 1995 and had 2 DS (in 1996 & 1998) and it was probably not until 2000 when I decided to enrol on a counselling course that it finally hit me that I cannot change him and that it is his problem. We went through counselling together and him on his own, throughout all of it he totally admitted how unreasonable he was and said if the situation was reversed he'd have been off years ago!!

Promised to change and I loved him so wanted to give him that opportunity. I started to regain some of my old confidence back and doing things for myself, but with 2 young children there was never really enough time or money for me to do much.

Obviously many many incidents in the time between then and now - I've had my bags packed on 3 occasions - but each time I've fallen for the promises to change and "tried again", but each time a little part of my love for him has died - I have tried to explain that to him.

Anyway jump forward to now and I realise I have to be the one to make the decision - he is weak and never will no matter how bad things are. (And I don't believe he is happy either - he tortures himself with "what ifs" that makes it impossible for him to view any situation rationally). But what if in making it I am being selfish and I do riun my kids lives??? I want to go, but I can't even think about packing up and leaving without crying.

I have lots of support in RL, my family and firends have lived though all of our turmoil and no-one would judge me harshly for going - but I will judge myself....

OP posts:
thatsnotmynamereally · 04/10/2014 08:15

yougotafriend so sorry to hear that your weekend has been spoiled! But his response should firm up your resolve. Hope you manage to get some time for yourself over the weekend.

FrancesNiadova · 04/10/2014 08:37

Could you & your dcs go out for the afternoon somewhere for a talk? Go out for lunch?
I agree, you do need to talk to them yourself without his presence influencing what you say.
Best wishes Thanks

mathanxiety · 04/10/2014 21:46

You may find the DCs are not half as attached to the house as you think they are and would not mind living in a rented home no matter how small.

tipsytrifle · 05/10/2014 22:59

I'm shaking my head in disbelief at how he sabotaged his journey and, more importantly, your w/e. Grrrr ...

But still, you have a whiff of freedom in your posting voice. You're going to get this sorted; I have absolutely NO doubt about your growing determination Wine Cake

Original poster
yougotafriend · 06/10/2014 06:55

I spent yesterday afternoon moving out of 'our' room into the (no longer) spare room. I had planned to but felt I'd been scuppered cos he was here, but did it anyway.... It felt like a big step as despite our erratic history, it's one I haven't taken before.

He was watching footy downstairs and could hear all the activity but hasn't said a word. He must have accepted that this is final.

DS2 helped me move.... After agonising for years about the 'right' thing to do, I'm realising that even they know this is it!!

I'm not kidding myself that it won't be traumatic when I do go tho

OP posts:
captainmummy · 06/10/2014 07:20

Well done op. It is a huge step.

tipsytrifle · 08/10/2014 20:17

You're an honest and strong soul and you've got us lot behind you too. How do you feel after the room change?

Original poster
yougotafriend · 08/10/2014 21:15

I feel really calm, it's like I've started emotionally detaching already. The friends I'm spending time with this weekend don't know yet, I've deliberately kept it from them as a hen weekend is a celebration of a forthcoming wedding and I don't want to sour it with my tales of woe.

Part of me thinks that I'm subconsciously keeping a lid on my emotions till after so I wonder what next week will bring.

My own room is just step one, can't wait for my own place....

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 09/10/2014 05:40

Hang in there and remember there are lots of people rooting for you.

Stay safe.

antimatter · 09/10/2014 06:32

it will be long process but you won't move on until you stop living under one roof

I speak from experience - being separated but living under one roof just prolonged agony Sad

Original poster
yougotafriend · 09/10/2014 06:48

Thanks everyone, your support is amazing.

I've seen some re talk that look suitable. I'm off work on Monday so will spend the day looking properly and arranging viewings.

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 09/10/2014 08:36

Would be cool if - even privately - you could see this hen night as a celebration of your near future, a celebration of YOU as well as another's happiness. A bit weird, I know because of course there is pain too. Maybe this hen do requires a setting aside of pain, just for a little while. Good luck looking at new places!

Original poster
yougotafriend · 13/10/2014 09:23

Well I had a brilliant weekend away, loads of laughs and made some new very lovely new friends.

Over the weekend H told his sisters what's going on, and it has made it all seem so much more 'real' that he has. I text them both this morning as I've always had a good relationship with them and I can't stand the thought of them hating me for driving this forward (they know what he's like). I've had a really lovely text back of one of them that means a lot to me.

So now I have some serious planning to do.....

OP posts:
sassysister · 13/10/2014 11:53

I hope that you have received all the necessary advice and have gone through with leaving. xx

Original poster
yougotafriend · 13/10/2014 12:07

I haven't left yet, that's the planning I now need to do.... 2 viewings booked.
I have had advice from a solicitor and the support of RL family and friends. I know this is the right decision, that doesn't mean it's easy tho! I am struggling a bit today, it's like the lid I've been keeping on my emotions has been lifted. I am suffering with continual "eye leakage" Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
yougotafriend · 14/10/2014 07:12

First flat viewing last night, I was surprised at how nice it was, at how I could imagine myself living there. Only wish the 2nd bedroom was laid out differently, big enough for a double bed but due to position of the door and radiator no chance of a double bed fitting in and you still being able to open the door!!

Told my DC when I came home where I'd been..... Another step on this journey!!

OP posts:
captainmummy · 14/10/2014 16:35

It's good that you are getting out, Yougot. ReArranging the furniture in your flat, sorting out your relationship with SILs, letting the dc know... you are doing well!

KOKO Grin

Funnyfishface · 15/10/2014 20:34

Yougotafriend - we ARE in the same situation.

Thank you for commenting on my thread. Although I hate that you are going through this nightmare aswell -
My boys are 24 and 19 and so supportive. It makes things a little easier that we don't have tiny children.

Original poster
yougotafriend · 15/10/2014 22:21

Well I've just had some exciting (and scary) news..... I have a house to rent!!

Stomach is churning.... Haven't said anything to anyone at home yet but my DM and DSis know.... So now I need to start to cut all financial ties here. Will have to sit down with H over the weekend to discuss it in detail. All new direct debits will need to be set up and as all utilities & bills are in my name (except mortgage) change them to joint so that my name can then be dropped off them soon.

Not sure I'll sleep tonight, so many emotions happy/sad/excited/scared/worried/adventurous.

funny this will be you too!

OP posts:
PlantsAndFlowers · 16/10/2014 01:12

That's exciting - good luck!

mathanxiety · 16/10/2014 03:16

Well done Flowers
It is definitely a scary moment, but keep on putting one foot in front of the other. You are doing really well.

Funnyfishface · 16/10/2014 04:30

Amazing - well done. That's a huge step forward.

captainmummy · 16/10/2014 13:02

Well done OP - good news!

Exciting too!

tipsytrifle · 16/10/2014 13:10

OMG that's AWESOME news yougotafriend .... ohhh yes the cosmos is very clearly working hard for you! About the direct debits - shouldn't they be going into his name? Not joint at all? Please? Make the most of any co-operation that might be forthcoming because truly, you can't assume it will remain. Take opportunities to separate stuff out relatively maturely but TOTALLY.

woohoooo about the new home! Flowers

Original poster
yougotafriend · 16/10/2014 14:45

Told H I've found somewhere to live.... Huge row, he obv thought along as I was living here there was a chance this wasn't happening. Now says he'll put the house up for sale rather than live here on his own, so I should stay while it's getting sold. I said no we're splitting and I want to start building a life on my own, be in a place where I can have friends round etc...... He even managed to turn that into some sinister desire on my part and therefore into an accusation?

According to him, all of our problems are down to me wanting to go out with my friends, he's the f*ckin innocent misunderstood victim.

tipsy Direct debits into joint name now as you can't swap names on an account, it would mean closing my account and opening a new one in his name which is a huge hassle. Joint for now then in a month or so I can take my name off.

I know he won't be cooperative.

I've taken the afternoon off work (my manager is very supportive) as DS1 isn't at college today and I've managed to have a good talk with him about me leaving, he really does seem ok

OP posts:
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