Embarrassed to be posting AGAIN - I've been a fool

[yougotafriend]

So I had a thread in June/July about leaving my husband - I got loads of great advice on here, but allowed myself to be "talked down" AGAIN - an incident this weekend has made me realise that nothing is going to change unless I change it - but I'm so scared I'm making the wrong decision.

Background - "D"H has always been jealous/insecure/controlling, he was my first serious relationship so intially when he told me that it was my behaviour that was causing him to be like this (plus he was divorced after his previous W cheated on him) I justified and enabled him to continue.

I was always upset by the way he carried on but felt I could smooth the waters and "change" him by proving how much I loved him, but in reality the only person that changed was me.

We met in 1991, married in 1995 and had 2 DS (in 1996 & 1998) and it was probably not until 2000 when I decided to enrol on a counselling course that it finally hit me that I cannot change him and that it is his problem. We went through counselling together and him on his own, throughout all of it he totally admitted how unreasonable he was and said if the situation was reversed he'd have been off years ago!!

Promised to change and I loved him so wanted to give him that opportunity. I started to regain some of my old confidence back and doing things for myself, but with 2 young children there was never really enough time or money for me to do much.

Obviously many many incidents in the time between then and now - I've had my bags packed on 3 occasions - but each time I've fallen for the promises to change and "tried again", but each time a little part of my love for him has died - I have tried to explain that to him.

Anyway jump forward to now and I realise I have to be the one to make the decision - he is weak and never will no matter how bad things are. (And I don't believe he is happy either - he tortures himself with "what ifs" that makes it impossible for him to view any situation rationally). But what if in making it I am being selfish and I do riun my kids lives??? I want to go, but I can't even think about packing up and leaving without crying.

I have lots of support in RL, my family and firends have lived though all of our turmoil and no-one would judge me harshly for going - but I will judge myself....

I will be renting for now and am in no hurry to force a house sale, we will have to see how things pan out. We live south of the city, my family and SILs live north, I will stay in my current area as the work commute is easier and I have a lot of friends I can socialise with locally. H has no one except me & the boys tho so when eventually the house is sold I can see him moving closer to his DSis's as he works all over the region so travels anyway . DSs will always want to stay close to where we are now tho.

There's lots that none of us can predict, just got to wait and see.

Just wanted to say well done and good luck!

'how this whole relationship has been on my terms, and why should he put his life on hold waiting for me to go'
That is a sincere cry from his heart (poor diddums). He can't believe you have taken the initiative when in his mind he should be in control of everything.

He is trying to take back the driver's seat with his attempt to discuss finances, his tirade, and telling you to fuck off.

Don't mind him. He is angry that you are not under his control any more.

But do log out and delete cookies when you are done with a session here.

(The cry from the heart is of course pure projection. He is accusing you of putting him in the position that he has put you in, and of doing to him what he has in fact done to you).

This morning I got the keys to my new house.... Cried with the landlady about the circumstances and came away with mixed emotions.

This afternoon I went back with DCs and DSis.... They all love it.... I'm feeling so much more positive and am allowing myself a tinge of excitement.

Not moving properly till next weekend (it's DS1 18th on Wednesday) but at least I can drop bits and pieces off each day

OMG how wonderful! Keys to your new place and life??

Perfect ... no matter what else is going on and will go on, this is momentous. I'm actually really excited for you! Well done!

Good luck with your new life.

You sound so happy and positive.

Ihope he leaves you in peace.

Had to look again at your triumphant post, so quiet and under-stated.
How long has it taken you from starting to try and leave to doing it?

OK had my fix of your happy post, waiting to hear how the moving went!

First drop off of clothes & some kitcheny stuff at my new house.... Felt lovely being there on my own pottering about putting things away.

tipsy can't say how long it's been since I wanted to move.... years... but I told H I was going and started taking direct action on 27th September so that's 7 weeks between then and move in day of 15th November (about 10 yrs and 7 weeks all in)

I am a prime example of someone who knew it wasn't right but hadn't realised just how EA it was until mumsnet.... you guys are amazing and I can't thank you enough for your support, inspiration, kindness and humour

For those of you teetering on the edge.... Jump in ladies, the water's fab-u-lous

ooooo I'm giddy with excitement for you! You're amazing!

I'm terrified....no really really terrified of what I am doing - deep down I have no doubt that it is the right decision, so why am I so utterly paralysed with fear???

It was DS1 18th yesterday, I spent the whole day either crying or fighting back the tears. Poor lad thinks his mother's a crank.... I have been burying my head focussing on practicalities and yesterday having a day off work to spend with him gave me time to think how much their lives will be affected too.

What am I frightened of specifically, what questions am I asking myself??
. Am I too old at 48 to start off on my own? Will I find the confidence to make this work?
. Am I allowed to sit and sob uncontrollably when this has been my decision?
. What if I'm lonely? - H may have been an EA nob - but he was there
. What if all I find on the other side is brown grass?
. What if rather than blossoming into a confident independent woman I actually crumble and my DCs are left wondering why I didn't stay?
. Why didn't I do this 10 years ago?

I so want this to be a (speedy) happy ending but I am putting so much pressure on myself, it's never going to work the way I want it to....It's be buidling up to this point for so long, that now I have actually got there I can't help thinking "what now?"

Am I too old at 48 to start off on my own? You're too old to waste any more time being miserable with your husband, that's for sure. You're far from too old to start again on your own - you have the whole of the rest of your life!

Will I find the confidence to make this work? You already have! You're bound to have moments of fear and feeling down but hey, doesn't everyone? It's allowed.

Am I allowed to sit and sob uncontrollably when this has been my decision? Of course you are. See previous answer. You need to grieve for the relationship, what you once had, and also what you should have had but never did. Even women who have been subjected to the most horrendous abuse of all kinds, including being almost killed, still get upset at the end of the relationship. Everyone on here wants to encourage you but equally everyone understands that it's not all easy going and you will often have low moments. But it gets better, really it does.

What if I'm lonely? Don't rush into another less-than-ideal relationship just because of that. You may find that you enjoy your own company more than you think. You will have time to spend with old friends and to make new ones. Take up a hobby / pursue an interest you always wanted to do but never had time for. It's all positive.

What if all I find on the other side is brown grass? Hey, come on, now. It's not going to be worse than what you've been putting up with for years, now, is it? "Well it's better than nothing" - no, it isn't! Fear of the unknown is natural, but in my experience, when you actually go ahead and face up to something you've been dreading, fearing, playing out all the "what if"s in your mind... when you actually do it, it's nowhere near as bad as you've anticipated.

What if rather than blossoming into a confident independent woman I actually crumble What if you don't? You'll never know until you try it. It's OK to crumble for a while, anyway. Eventually you will pick yourself up and, indeed, blossom. I have no doubt.

Why didn't I do this 10 years ago? It would probably take a long time in therapy to answer that. Probably something to do with your childhood. But in a nutshell, you weren't ready then, and now you are.

Tara thank you. You are right, I know you are right. I just need to shake that sick feeling at the pit of my stomach....Feel the fear and do it anyway!!

Can you believe I've just spent haf an hour "counselling" a colleague who is having a crisis of confidence; supporting her and helping her look at herself and her situation in a more positive light. So I realise that if it's OK for me to soothe her fears I probably could be more supportive of myself.

ohhhh yougotafriend ... It's amazing isn't it how those who best support others are often rubbish at doing it for themselves? I guess that's why Goddess invented others and online stranger/friends!

Tara answered your questions well, as you saw.

Moving is, in itself, stressful and turbulent even in the smoothest of lives. Once you are "in" and have stuff arranged better then perhaps you can sit back and breathe Freedom and Possibility.

You could always put the christmas tree up and declare an extended Christmas festival? Yeah, like you haven't enough to do already

Tipsy, I did actually think of putting some Christmas decorations up. Christmas for me is warm and cosy and comforting so it'd be nice to get that feeling straight away.

Also I haven't got around to buying pictures yet and it would mean I could take my time looking for things that fit the space once I've lived there for a few weeks.

Have you arranged for the DC to come to your flat for dinner some days during the week?

Do it! Yayyyy - Christmas at yougotafriend's new place!

I'm hard to please and skint so I tend to take pics from mags and cheap clip or posh-frame them! Go for big and bold right now! Mobiles too - I'm a bit of an addict in that dept ...

I'm tucked up in bed in my new house all alone and feeling utterly bereft

Don't be. It's new and unfamiliar still but it is YOURS! There are happy memories waiting to be made within these walls. May I suggest a warm drink and enjoying your nice clean bedding, perhaps browsing the net for bits of furnishing?

Hey yougotafriend

I am so very proud of you. I am going to pm you. X

Not bereft yougot.
You have all us lovely vipers to keep you company. You have done a BIG GOOD THING and it is scarey, but all will be well.

Well I survived the night. I've moved into a railway cottage that was built in the 1880s (my old house was modern) and it creaked and groaned all night.... I like to think it was talking to me, reassuring me o was where I should be.

Getting up now to make flapjacks for DS2 packed lunch, he'll be round later to collect them.

I saw on another thread that someone was going to make a list of all the reasons why they left their EA H.... I'm gonna do the same. I've spent so long minimising his behaviour so we could stay together and I don't want that sort of thinking to start making me question whether or not this is the right decision.

"every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end"

Wishing you good luck and much laughter.

New beginnings are often hard even when they are definitely the right thing.

Enjoy today, pottering around in your new house life.

Yougot it took my mum thirty years to leave my dad - he was a violent nasty bully and the thing that bothers her the most is why she didn't do it sooner!
She has no regrets and has a lovely new life, free with fear, has friends and a social life. I have watched her blossom and couldn't be more proud of her.
Good luck :) we are all here for you.