husband wearing my clothes

[mumpossible]

This is my first post under this name. I have been lurking along time but rarely post. So i realise this is a strange first post, but genuinely cannot talk to any one in real life about this.
I have just found out that my husband has been dressing up in my clothes. I'm not sure if it was once or more often,but my feeling is more than once. He took pictures and was masturbating wearing them. I am shocked and confused.we have been together for 15 years and I thought I knew him. I really don't knw what to do with this information.
I don't know if I should tell him i know or not. I can't help wondering who the pictures are for. I get he might want to look at pictures of himself if it is his thing, but pictures of his penis seem more like something he would send.
So my dilemma is do I tell him I know or not?

I would just say " I think you have been wearing some of my clothes" and see what happens. You can keep the snooping in reserve.

Many men become aroused over women's underwear. Is it just a fetish? Or is there more?

How you approach this is key. He is till the same man. If you approach this confrontationally or aggressively he will bottle up, a more relaxed approach will put him at ease.

Hi OP

In reply to your question, What I meant was that if he was disrespecting your clothes when you weren't there because he could not express himself any other way, much like tearing up old photos, or any other secret one-upmanship to make himself feel better.

I really don't think this is the case, it's was a long shot, just covering the bases really. I reckon he just has things about himself that he wasn't ready to tell you. I don't think it invalidates your relationship. It did take me a while to tell my wife about all my thought processes related to gender. I think we are allowed our private thoughts if we are not being harmful.

The disrespect of your stuff and the lying is the big issue for me.
There's no evidence he is not private about the pictures. If you want to know if he shares them with anyone else, you'll have to ask him.
Lying about this would be serious. All lying within in a relationship needs to be addressed IMO.

Hope all goes well for you!

Presumably the reason he didn't tell you at the beginning was because he thought you would probably walk away. He would have good reason for thinking this as most women would walk away. Instead he lied to you all the while he was invading your person by wearing your clothes. If a person has a secret that they think would make their partner leave and they don't tell it, then yes the relationship was built on a lie. Now you have kids so leaving him is a much harder decision. What next? Now that you know, if you accept it will he want you to participate? Help him with clothes and make-up, have sex with him when he is wearing women's clothes, go out with him dressed as a woman?

Your feelings and boundaries and your sexuality are important and should not be minimised or dismissed.

I agree with FloraFox about this:

If a person has a secret that they think would make their partner leave and they don't tell it, then yes the relationship was built on a lie.

I just hope it isn't as big as that!

It is a part of his identity he kept from you, so I can understand how you are thrown by that and how it could make you reflect on the relationship differently.
As it's something that is about him and his own gratification it is secretive of him and a shame he hasn't been honest but not a direct betrayal of you, a betrayal of the trust / strength in the relationship. But not (as feared?) about sexual gratification elsewhere.
Lots of support at you, I imagine you must be in a whirl of confusion.

He may have been fighting these urges for years and was hoping they'd go away. Once he realised he couldn't, he may have been too far into your relationship to feel comfortable about discussing it with you or may have felt you'd leave him.

Its not good he's been lying to you, but were there no clues throughout the relationship? 15 years is a long time to keep a lid on things. This also seems to be more common than you may think, and things have moved on since David Beckham's ill-fated sarong (even he wears Posh's knickers!) And on the continent this is a growing trend (see pic), it's not much different from shorts I guess. I doubt your DH is gay as gays don't dress like women to attract men - they dress like men.

See how the 'chat' goes, but try not to be too confrontational or he may clam up and keep schtum hoping the issue will go away.

How old are the DCs for him to blame them for wrecking your clothes?

On the flip side, you've found out who the 'other woman' is

Let us know the outcome, OP

I don't think I could wear a skirt. I'm not graceful enough. Getting in and out of a car, everyone would kop an eyeful. No class y'see.

To be honest what he has told you is exactly what i expected. He is a secret transvestite. He couldnt tell you before as he was too scared. Scared of your reaction, scared of losing you and scared of who you will tell. Scared if you tell others, not only could he lose you and his children, but also his friends and family. He lied to you through fear and embarassment. Now you have broken the ice, you need to talk more openly about it. He will now be a little bit relieved it is out, but still very scared of how you react and what could happen. What you must do though is make it clear that he does not wear your clothes again ! And he must replace your ruined dress. If you can accept this and continue in your relationship, then maybe you can make some rules. He can buy some clothes for himself, but must keep them seperate from yours. If you dont want to see him like this, then he has to do it in private and not when you or the kids are around. Only you can make the descision about your future together. You are now both over the initial shock which is the worst bit. Good luck, hope i have been able to help

OP I agree with you, your whole relationship was based on a lie.

He absolutely should have told you about this before he married you, to give you the choice of whether you want this in your marriage or not.

He lied, presumably, because he didn't want to risk losing you. That was selfish.

You do not have to accept it if you don't want to. You can simply decide it's not for you. If he wants/needs to continue to do this, he can do it as a single man.

If that's what you want.

You're upset op but I don't think its so bad. Everyone has secret little fantasies they don't share. His is a bit shocking but I'd rather that than fantasising about animal sex/ poo stuff / young women / men.

He hasn't cheated. He hasn't really lied to you.

You've had a peek inside his mind and he's been brave enough to be honest now. Be gentle with him.

It might gross you out a bit but he intended it to be private.

Neiljames77, I'm sure you would be just fine as long as it's not an awkward car to get out of like a Range Rover Sport, and your skirt isn't too short - and remember to sit like Kate Middleton, not Suzanna Reid on the BBC breakfast sofa

Thanks again everyone.
I have told him I am ok with it because I feel so bad about how he must be feeling. I am saying right things I hope and trying to be supportive because I can see how hard this is for him and don't want him to feel ashamed any more. I genuinely do feel.that for some people it's just a part of the way they are wired and should be accepted. I'm not sickened or disgusted that people do this. That he does this and needs to do this.
Bit god how I feel is so not in tune with what I believe and what I'm saying. I feel betrayed and tricked and that the honesty I thought we had was all bullshit. I've told him so.many deeply personal scary to share things and he just kept this huge secret.
I am now remembering so many times he could have told me.and so many ways that he would know I'm not disgusted by transgender/tv/any alternate sexuality stuff. So why keep lying?
And I'm asking myself if the attention he gives to my clothes etc is because he was them or imagines wearing them.
How can you spend 15 years lying to someone and pretending you have this intimate honest relationship. Was he just laughing behind my back the whole time at how fucking stupid I am?
God the lies he's told!! He made up. Some fucking bullshit story that is now with hindsight so ludicrous I cannot believe I fell for it to explain my son catching him in my skirt. 8 years ago! I am an idiot.

And he thinks ok with this. But I am NOT ok. I don't even know who he is. And if he lies so easily who's to say he is not lying about other stuff.
I realise I'm. Rambling bit I rink I'm more confused by the minute. Because I couldn't give a shit if he gets off in whatever way. But the time to tell me was 15 fucking years ago.

Can't argue with you about the lying, it isn't right in a relationship.

Exactly Dadwood l understand the fear of rejection etc bit that's not the case here..He said he told me when we first met when I told him about a man I knew who got off on wearing women's undies. I asked him. If he ever had he said yes once. I had forgotten the whole conversation he just reminded me as if this means he wasn't lying all along
Yes I have is not the same as and I still do is it? He fucking knew I would accept it but lied anyway. WTF??

Think I'm just making myself angry now but it's the lies I'm struggling with

I think you need to consider approaching your doctor for counseling because this is big. Much bigger than you realise. You have to now redefine your entire relationship. His lies will impact in a really negative way. But it may also affect your sex life. Maybe a professional with experience in this should talk to both of you together to find a way through this.

My DH is TV and it's fine with us, but he does say that before we got together he would speak to a lot of TV men in chat rooms who were terrified of coming out because so many women will just kick their OH out when they find out. Lying about anything at all is horrid and will be tough to get through but he would have been terrified of losing you. My DH found it hard to believe I would be OK with it (he came out when we were courting) even though I said I liked men in drag. He still thought I might not be happy about it in a partner and not just a fantasy.

I agree with whatdoesittake48. You really do need a space where you can talk about how you're feeling and work through it at your own pace. Your GP would be a good place to start but if you need resources, PM me and I'll try to help.

He sounds very ashamed of it. I don't expect he ever laughed at you behind your back, sounds like the lies, unacceptable as they are, probably stem from desperation. I expect he's been unhappy about this subject his whole life.

OP, him needing clothing to get off probably is tough to admit to anyone, perhaps he felt pressured to try and suppress these feelings from his childhood, and try and live a manly way of life, get married etc
though I guess with any potential girlfriend a guy is not going to turn up on a date in his best pencil skirt and killer heels , let alone mention such an awkward part of his personality or way of life. , You mentioned your DS seeing him in a skirt, how did he take it on board or did it throw him?

The honesty bit you have to deal with, if you feel in the heat of the moment you capitulated and said you were okay with it when you were not, you have to just tell him to be honest. I can't see him saving up £20k to fly out to Thailand and become the woman he always wanted to be ever since he was a little girl. ...

This is more a behaviour pattern of a loner to be honest, perhaps part of him wanted to be caught, so he can plan his next move. The hiding of phones and deleting of history suggests there may be another part of him you may never know.

Do you want to continue things, can you let it go and move on?

I know there's the emerging manskirt fashion trend, but none of that is about hiding and jacking off in underwear... ugh

The guys wearing them like the guy in Rough Copy are still acting like guys whilst skirted, and it's just different clothing that's not that common, at the moment... but just to stand out as different.

I do feel sorry for OPs DH, perhaps counselling will help? Or at least finding some size 11 stilettos on the Internet?

He hasn't really lied to you.

Yes he has!

He said he did it 'once'. That was a lie.

He did not say he was still doing it. That was a lie.

When asked how the dress got ripped he said he didn't know. That was a lie.

He blamed one of the children. That was a lie.

So many lies.

how I feel is so not in tune with what I believe and what I'm saying

OP this is not right. You are now lying to him! Tell him how you really feel. Tell him that you are angry that he lied for years and years. Tell him you feel betrayed and that you don't know him. Whatever it is, tell him, he can handle it. If he expects you to be understanding, it goes both ways.

Did he say why he lied?

Thanks again for the advice everyone. I have been venting here so that I could let out my rage & fear somewhere and still talk calmly to dh.
I am feeling a lot more settled with this now. I am 80% ok with the cross dressing, still a bit confused re his motives. But I think that's because he is confused and scared so not Bleeding yo explain fully yet. We will get there though, it obviously a big relief to him that km accepting it. Because I am. Really.

But I am still working through the impact of this emotionally because of the lies. I think that I will seek counselling, first on my own and then maybe together. I am finding it so hard to forgive all the bullshit and deceit and it has destroyed the trust we had.
But I have told him this, in much gentler terms than I used on here of course, and I think he understands that we have a way to go yet.
But I have hope we'll get through this and work it out.
So thanks again to all you lovely people who listened to a stranger work through this and offered advice and helpful support . It really did help to be able to vent somewhere because I definitely cant talk to anyone in real life.
I have been thinking about the comment that I am lying to him by not telling him how much this is hurting me. But I really think he knows I'm just trying to tell him in ways that don't make him feel worse. He's not done anything wrong in exploring this side of him, and I can understand why he had to lie, so we just have to work through this somehow. He is really a good person who has had a horrible time being so afraid of a part of him. And I'm just so sorry for him and still angry but hey I have the right to be and he has the right to not be burdened with my rage right now . There will be time for me to tell him. All this later.
So.thanks again everyone. I may well be back venting again because we have a lot of work ahead to.put this relationship right and you are now my support because he need me to.be strong for now

That sounds like a very balanced approach to me.