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Original poster

husband wearing my clothes

131 replies

mumpossible · 22/09/2014 17:53

This is my first post under this name. I have been lurking along time but rarely post. So i realise this is a strange first post, but genuinely cannot talk to any one in real life about this.
I have just found out that my husband has been dressing up in my clothes. I'm not sure if it was once or more often,but my feeling is more than once. He took pictures and was masturbating wearing them. I am shocked and confused.we have been together for 15 years and I thought I knew him. I really don't knw what to do with this information.
I don't know if I should tell him i know or not. I can't help wondering who the pictures are for. I get he might want to look at pictures of himself if it is his thing, but pictures of his penis seem more like something he would send.
So my dilemma is do I tell him I know or not?

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5
Fairenuff · 22/09/2014 18:50

If I had a secret fetish that my partner was not aware of I think I would be mortified at being found in such a compromising position and very reluctant to talk about it.

But I would hope that he would talk to me with compassion and an open mind, to listen to my feelings and my fears, to ask appropriate questions and try to see if there was any way we could continue without it negatively impacting our relationship.

IndiaKnightGarden · 22/09/2014 18:54

Sorry this isn't going to be a hugely helpful comment but if DP ripped one of my dresses while having a kinky wank in secret I would be livid.

You should go stratospheric on him for that alone.

What a goddamn liberty. Let him buy his own dresses instead of ruining yours and lying about it.

Bidingmytime07 · 22/09/2014 19:10

There's a load of stuff online as to why men do this. I would suggest you read this before you decide what to do. It seems some women can accept this. Although I'm not one of them, I have to say!

OfCourse · 22/09/2014 19:17

I'd be happy but then I love a man in a dress jealous

kentishgirl · 22/09/2014 19:35

There's wearing 'female' dress, and there's being in drag. Two different things entirely. Drag would be a huge turn off for me. Being a bit experimental and free in what they wear - i'd like. I think Eddie Izzard is gorgeous! And I wouldn't chuck this man out of the bedroom. I think you need to find out exactly what he is into, tell him you've seen the pics, you know how your dress got damaged, can he please trust you and be honest about it all - and get it all into the open. then you can take some time to think about it and how you feel about it.

husband wearing my clothes
saltnpepa · 22/09/2014 19:43

I think you just need to tell him the truth as soon as possible and hope he will do the same. kenstishgirl I'm not sure this is fashion issue

TiggyD · 22/09/2014 19:48

He might not have much reasoning behind it himself, and he may be in denial about the real reasons why he does it.

Expect him to move the topic onto you invading privacy and anything else he can think of. He'll feel trapped in a corner and 'fight or flight' reflexes will kick in so don't expect that much of a conversation that first time.

CarryOnDancing · 22/09/2014 20:02

I don't agree with him openly lying about the dress but I don't think this is an overall lying by omission situation. He's not doing anything to hurt you by experimenting with your clothes.

I don't think it's a situation that you can just automatically be livid about as some are suggesting. I completely understand why it's making you question him and and your relationship initially but I think in some respects this is separate to your relationship and not about you.

It wouldn't be wrong of you to decide you don't want this in your relationship but going in and being angry with him would be hurtful to him and damaging to your relationship.

Putting your clothes on isn't going behind your back imo. They really are just clothes and are easily replaceable. It's just him masterbating, with your clothes on.

Who the photos are for would be more important to me. Plus any porn use.

I think you owe it to him and your relationship to handle this kindly and sensitively until you find out more. It's not the type of thing you can tell him to stop as it just happens to be what turns him on but you can chose not to live with it.

Sorry you are faced with this!

Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 21:35

Thanks everyone. Some really helpful advice there. I decided to go to
the gymn, clear my head and talk to him tomorrow when I have got over the initial shock.
Am now thinking that apart from the using and ruining my clothes how he masterbates is not really my business. But I am really questioning the issue of the pictures and a possible issue around porn.
really I just want him to be honest with me. But if i'm honest with myself I would not want to share my private thoughts when master bating. Of course this is a behaviour not a thought, but it is sort of the same issue of owning ones own fantasy life.
I am thinking about the fact that he must be absolutely horrified because I think he did hear my leading comments and knows I'm wondering now. He's probably terrified of my reaction so going in before I'm fully calm.wont help the situation. Does this seems sensible to all of you?

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Bidingmytime07 · 22/09/2014 21:53

Sounds good to me. And I'm glad you seem able to accept things, for both of your sakes. Good luck

Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 21:54

Still not convinced I can accept it, but am going to try because he is worth it. I hope.

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Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 21:56

The I hope is because I'm just hoping it's just a little fetish he needs to do once in a while rather then some horrible porn addiction or weird online relationship or desire to be a woman
Those things I couldn't accept!

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rembrandtsrockchick · 22/09/2014 21:58

Beaumont Society will be able to help you with advice and information. Transvestism is a very powerful thing and if he really is a transvestite it's not something that he will be able to give up easily.

Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 22:02

Thus might be a stupid question and offensive but who else can I ask. Is it likely he could be a transvestite if we have been happily married for so long with a healthy sex life? I thought TV s want to be women so wouldn't be happy in a hetero relationship?

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Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 22:04

Wait, I'm confusing sexuality and gender identity aren't I?This is so confusing I have no idea what this is all about

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Selks · 22/09/2014 22:15

Yes, correctly spotted, you are indeed confusing the two. There are many men out there who are quite happy being men and being married, but need to put female clothes on occasionally for sexual kicks in the privacy of their own home.

Seeking some information is a good starting point for you in beginning to get your head round things, but at some point you're going to have to speak to your husband about it and have some frank conversations...you need to find out what is going on for him to be able to understand how you feel about it.

onelastfling · 22/09/2014 22:16

I hope you washed the dress and tights thoroughly. Masturbating while wearing them? Yuck

Bidingmytime07 · 22/09/2014 22:17

Please take a quick look online, google why do some men like to dress in the wife's clothes. It mentions things like relief from stress for example. And it can be no more than that. I've seen a TV prog about it years ago.

Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 22:22

I've just had a look at the Beaumont website mentioned earlier and now plan to do some reading to try and prepare myself for some possible outcomes to this.

Have learned lots already, thanks for the suggestion! He is obviously also reluctant to discuss this, he was in bed when I got home. Putting it off until we are both a bit calmer makes sense. This only happened over the weekend, I saw the pictures today & noticed the ruined dresd. so all very fresh.

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onelastfling · 22/09/2014 22:24

I find it strange that some women are horrified that their husband ^might^ watch a bit of porn, but don't think it's as bad for them to dress up in their dresses and knickers and masturbate in them! Shock

Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 22:28

Porn is degrading to women. The women portrayed in porn are often in subservient roles and treated badly. It perpetuates myths around female sexuality (and male sexuality) that are not helpful. Having a want non my clothes is a bit shocking and a huge invasion of my personal space and could possibly indicate a lack of r spect for.me. but actually,no one gets hurt. Not always true of the porn industry

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onelastfling · 22/09/2014 22:29

Good luck OP. You're braver than me. If I found my husband wearing a dress I wouldn't know whether to laugh or cry (he would look comical) as he has very masculine features, with a tash and beard! So it would look completely ridiculous.

Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 22:30

Actually I just saw your your earlier comment. Am not sure if you are joking, but you do realise that his sperm might also get on my clothes or his or the bed during actual sex right? Wanking doesn't make the sperm more disgusting than sex does!

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Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 22:32

But thanks because I realised, reading my message defending his wanking, that I'm perhaps not as horrified as i thought I was!

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Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 22:33

To be honest his legs are better then mine. Not a good thought!hope he didn't think so

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