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Original poster

husband wearing my clothes

131 replies

mumpossible · 22/09/2014 17:53

This is my first post under this name. I have been lurking along time but rarely post. So i realise this is a strange first post, but genuinely cannot talk to any one in real life about this.
I have just found out that my husband has been dressing up in my clothes. I'm not sure if it was once or more often,but my feeling is more than once. He took pictures and was masturbating wearing them. I am shocked and confused.we have been together for 15 years and I thought I knew him. I really don't knw what to do with this information.
I don't know if I should tell him i know or not. I can't help wondering who the pictures are for. I get he might want to look at pictures of himself if it is his thing, but pictures of his penis seem more like something he would send.
So my dilemma is do I tell him I know or not?

OP posts:
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5
MrBuscuits · 23/09/2014 16:17

I'm not ashamed to say I was in Ladies Wear most of this morning, however at the time I was rebuilding one of the tills at House of Fraser, and that was the department it was in... Grin

Men's fashion has been the same for years, only now are we seeing a change (see Kanye West... okay perhaps not the best example), but searching 'manskirt' will bring up a lot on Google. Designers, encouraged by popular figures in entertainment have caused this, even Jamaican Dancehall singer Elephant Man has joined the fray, and then of course the guy from Rough Copy (last year's X Factor) who was always in a skirt of some sort, albeit with thick tights or leggings... Aside from kilts or shorts, a man's wardrobe is quite limited, so perhaps your DH was curious. The jacking off is a step too far, and he needs to replace what he damaged (the dress, shoes, tights).

Casually ask him if he'd like to go shopping with you and see if there's anything he would like for himself - that will shock him. Or fit CCTV web cams in every room bar the toilet, and just say 'the police fitted it as part of a crime reduction initiative in partnership with the local council' if he asks...Grin and watch him from your phone or laptop when at your next conference. Wink

He can't skirt the issue forever...Hmm and he will have to discuss it somehow. There is a way of retrieving erased stuff from an iPad if you google it. Do you share an Apple account?

Who's he sending upskirt pics to? Hmm have you asked your DCs or were they elsewhere when this happened?

irulethisworld · 23/09/2014 16:49

He may have been uploading his pics to some kind of tv website or something.
Part of the thrill might be having people see him dressed.
You might think that's too much, maybe not.

Fairenuff · 23/09/2014 17:07

Could you get hold of his phone at some point to see if there are more photos or links to anything he might have uploaded?

MrBuscuits · 23/09/2014 17:32

Even Usain Bolt does this from time to time Grin

husband wearing my clothes
neiljames77 · 23/09/2014 17:47

Not pumping his porridge pistol though is he?

Fairenuff · 23/09/2014 18:29

Or lying about it to his wife.

neiljames77 · 23/09/2014 19:00

Or ripping the dress.

HermioneK · 23/09/2014 23:34

If he is a good partner, and he knows you are upset that your dress is damaged I would leave it. Sexual fantasies can be a very private matter, there are things I would not want my husband to know....

tanya1010 · 24/09/2014 00:14

You really have to confront him. But be caring and gentle. Just ask him what is happening, why he does it, what he gets out of it and how long he has been doing it etc. Tell him he has to replace your dress , and ask him why he has taken photos. Be calm and dont shout or jump straight to conclusions. Let him explain in his own words. Tell him to be honest and open and not to lie to you. Ask him what he sees happening in the furture. You must be prepared for what he might say. He possibly just gets a sexual kick out of wearing womens clothes and be a secret transvestite. This is not as uncommon as you might think. It could be his own way of thinking about you and displaying his love and affection for you when you are not there. Or of course he could be transexual and feels he is a woman trapped in a mans body. I would guess this is unlikely for him to be masturbating whilst wearing your clothes, but it is possible. He may break down when you confront him , as his bigest lifetime secret is out, and he will be scared of how you react and who you are going to tell, so you must be prepared for this. You must stay calm and supportive of him. Only when you know all the details and what he wants out of this can you decide what the future holds for you both, and then what you decide to do about it. Hope this helps and good luck Flowers

FloraFox · 24/09/2014 00:42

OP you don't need to be caring and gentle or stay calm and supportive about this. Your feelings and your boundaries are important and he should respect them. This type of advice can lead you into accepting things you are not comfortable with because you, as a woman, are expected to be supportive, caring, gentle and calm when faced with something you don't like.

Original poster
mumpossible · 24/09/2014 06:28

I has intended to ask him outright nut just couldn't get up the courage because I have no idea how to start that conversation. I messaged him instead. Waiting for a reply now. Feel sick now with fear for where this will end up

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Original poster
mumpossible · 24/09/2014 06:48

He made a joke. Replied saying I'm serious. I think I'm going to have to wait to talk later. But I think I am going to lose my mind if he lies outright again.
He has lied twice about how dress got ruined and I said 'do you think it was (daughter)I asked her she denied it'. &he said "well she would wouldn't she". He's lying and blaming her knowing I am annoyed it just makes me so angry that he is so deceitful and could lie to my face. How can I trust anything he has ever said?The lies just trip off his tongue to easily.
I just can't face him lying to my face about this.

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pippinleaf · 24/09/2014 07:03

I think you're being a bit harsh by knowing his secret and trying to persuade him to tell you without him knowing. He's not telling you because he knows you'll be upset or he's ashamed not because he wants to hurt you. I think the kindest thing to do would be to speak to him and explain that you know and take it from there with the kindness and love you promised each other when you got married.

Original poster
mumpossible · 24/09/2014 07:16

Pippin I have asked him outright. By message because I was too much of a coward to do it face to face. Because I am afraid of him lying to my face. He has shocked me with how easily he has lied. I have said to him that I was shocked initially but am now curious. He said we need to talk so I guess we'll talk this evening. I don't think I have been harsh. 8 trying really hard to open up a discussion about this without getting upset or angry. If he lies again to my face I will be angry and that won't help.
I think I'm doing my best in a really difficult situations that I didn't ask for or know would come up

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Original poster
mumpossible · 24/09/2014 07:17

I'm not 8. Stupid phone

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 24/09/2014 07:25

You're quite right to be furious. All this 'alternative lifestyle' gender identity, live and let live stuff is very nice on paper or in trendy parts of Hampstead, but it misses the point. He's being deliberately dishonest. That suggests this goes further than some dressing up that he's embarrassed about. Few people take photos of themselves masturbating with the intent to keep them for private amusement. He could be sharing the images and who knows what else. Once the lies start, where do they stop?

He has to be confronted in person

Original poster
mumpossible · 24/09/2014 07:28

You are right that it has to be discussed in person cogito. It's the lying that bothers me and what the pictures are for. But I'm not sure that I'm horrified by the dressing up now I've got my head around it. I'm not 100 % ok with it maybe 50/50 but my feelings about it depend mostly on his motives. But if he keeps lying I can't see a way through this for us.

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Original poster
mumpossible · 24/09/2014 09:08

Dad wood what do you mean by power play? I don't understand?everyone else thanks so much for all the advice. I'm trying hard to be calm and supportive. He knows everything now. Told him how I found out, what I was thinking and that I love him regardless but do have questions. He hasn't denied it out right but is not actually openly saying anything just deflecting right now. So I'm so glad that J was pre warded he might do this it helps me to stay calm and keep waiting for an honest discussion.
I feel really sick because I'm so afraid of what he might tell me now

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Original poster
mumpossible · 24/09/2014 09:09

I not j . Warned not ward ed

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Original poster
mumpossible · 24/09/2014 10:32

So we have talked a bit. .lots more to discuss. I'm in shock I think. He has been dressing in women's clothes in secret through our whole relationship. Even before that. Tried to surprise it but can't. Didn't want me to know. Says pictures for him only.
And then apologised for not being who I thought he was.
I feel so bad for him. And I just can't stop crying. It's just a short k to have it all confirmed and know that our whole relationship was a lie
But he says it is not a gender thing, he doesn't want to be a woman just a private thing for him.
I feel almost jealous of this..like it's a sexual betrayal. This emotion makes no sense to me.

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Original poster
mumpossible · 24/09/2014 10:33

Hah! Surpress it not surprise it

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rb32 · 24/09/2014 10:52

we all have our secrets. If this is as bad as his gets, you're doing ok. Are you suprised he doesn;t want to tell anyone?

neiljames77 · 24/09/2014 10:56

It might be a bit strong to say your whole relationship has been a lie. It's obviously something he wanted to keep to himself. If he'd have told you about this right at the start of you seeing each other, would you have walked?
I know people will say that you should be more accepting of it but only you can decide that. You might mouth the words but it's how you feel deep inside about it that will determine whether you can move on together.

FelicityGubbins · 24/09/2014 11:00

I understand that it's a massive shock and that you are hurt, I doubt very much that your relationship is a lie or he has deliberately betrayed you sexually, in many ways it's no different to having a vibrator hidden in the back of the knicker drawer that the hubby doesn't know about, it's not intended to be disrespectful

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/09/2014 11:06

I don't think your whole relationship was a lie. This is just a part of him, separate to you, not the whole thing.

As sad as it might be for you, I don't think his private stuff is a reflection of you or your relationship at all. Some men find it much easier to compartmentalise than a lot of women do, so it can be very hard to understand.

Some people can grow to accept that their partner has a separate fantasy life, and some can acknowledge this as long as they don't have to be part of it.

It's still really very early days