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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband wearing my clothes

131 replies

mumpossible · 22/09/2014 17:53

This is my first post under this name. I have been lurking along time but rarely post. So i realise this is a strange first post, but genuinely cannot talk to any one in real life about this.
I have just found out that my husband has been dressing up in my clothes. I'm not sure if it was once or more often,but my feeling is more than once. He took pictures and was masturbating wearing them. I am shocked and confused.we have been together for 15 years and I thought I knew him. I really don't knw what to do with this information.
I don't know if I should tell him i know or not. I can't help wondering who the pictures are for. I get he might want to look at pictures of himself if it is his thing, but pictures of his penis seem more like something he would send.
So my dilemma is do I tell him I know or not?

OP posts:
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5
onelastfling · 22/09/2014 22:34

Yes, but the other times you know its there. This has been done in secret without your knowledge. There's a difference.

onelastfling · 22/09/2014 22:35

You sound ok with it as 'it. I think it will turn out ok for you.

Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 22:35

There is a difference but it's more about the lying and lack of trust than the actual wanking

OP posts:
onelastfling · 22/09/2014 22:37

Meant to say, you are fairly understanding, so think the discussion with him, when you have it, will be,positive.

I don't think I could accept it. But that's me.

Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 22:38

Am not 100 sure that I can either. But I am trying.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumpossible · 22/09/2014 22:39

I am going to go to bed now. Will be back tomorrow with an update if there is one.

OP posts:
Bidingmytime07 · 22/09/2014 22:42

It's a very taboo subject, what he's done, as he will know. So in the circumstances would be somewhat difficult to ask if he could borrow your dress etc :)

CarryOnDancing · 22/09/2014 22:53

I hope it goes well tomorrow and there are no further shocks. I think the way you are approaching this is admirable.

Entering this calmly like you are will give you the most answers. I just hope you've already had the biggest shock. It's awful for you right now but just imagine the relief he will feel when it's all out and you aren't shouting and calling him a freak. He's very lucky to have you.

Not that you are obliged to support it ultimately, just that you are handling it in a supportive manner.

I'd definitely want a new dress though! Grin

Fairenuff · 23/09/2014 08:05

The problem is that you don't know anything yet about his motivation. Do you think he would tell you if there were anyone else involved? Isn't it more likely that he will just say he did it on his own and never sent any photos to anyone or uploaded them to the internet?

fortyplus · 23/09/2014 08:12

Look up transvestite, transgender, transsexual. Three totally separate things. Some straight men with no wish to change gender are into wearing women's clothes. As others have said, if you're well equipped with background knowledge it will be easier to understand his motivation for this behaviour. Whether you're prepared to accept it or not, this needs to be out in the open. Good luck op Smile

Original poster
mumpossible · 23/09/2014 08:55

Just wrote a long post that I lost. Bloody Internet!
Second attempt.
Biding,I agree he obviously wasn't going to ask to borrow a dress. How would the conversation go. 'Darling I realise you are that conference this weekend. While you are away is it ok if I borrow your dress tights & shoes to dress up for a wanking. Don't worry I will take pictures so you can share my joy' lol!! Just realised I have mentioned the ruined shoes I found this morning!
Carryon I am trying to be calm and open minded but swing between being ok and just not being ok. I am reviewing our lived together and trying to find clues or answers. I just feel really stupid.
Fairy that is exactly where my head is today. I have thought about this all night. I was snooping because I had suspicions about pictures he has taken. I think that when I was drunk he put his Ipad near the bed and the light was on. He denied it but I think he was filming us. He has taken pictures with my permission in the past but I cannot find them. I know he was looking at porn on the Ipad while wanking recently and I wanted to know what he was looking at. I thought it might be us,not this. He has cleared the memory and all past searches on Ipad now so I don't know what he has been doing but I feel my spider senses telling me that those picture of him in my clothes are more than just personal to him. Or I'm over interpretation things.
Forty I did a lot of reading when I could not sleep last night. I think I have an Korea of the possibilities now. No predictions about what his motives are,but a better understanding that this could be many different things!
He seems to be not talking to me today. He got up in the night and ignored me and when i left this morning he didn't say bye. Either he knows I've been snooping and is angry, or he's realised he's been caught and is trying to avoid it. Or maybe angry because he is caught?
I do wonder if i'm over thinking this and it was just a one time experiment but it's not likely that the one by one he does this is the one time i snoop and catch him is it?

OP posts:
eatscakefornoreasonwhatsoever · 23/09/2014 08:56

I'd like to think I could accept something like this from my DH, but I guess none of us know how we'll handle something outside our normal experience until it actually happens to us. Just wanted to wish you luck.

I think it would be perfectly acceptable to say that you don't think he's a freak, you don't want anything in your relationship to change, but you're not necessarily comfortable with being actually involved in this part of his life, you just don't want him wrecking your clothes... So get your own clothes to be kept in an agreed, private place, be responsible for laundering them and don't leave photos where the rest of the family might find them...

I don't know. Follow your own best instincts. I was just trying to think through how I might deal with it :)

Original poster
mumpossible · 23/09/2014 08:56

Arggh so many typos. Sorry!

OP posts:
IndiaKnightGarden · 23/09/2014 09:02

If you legitimately suspect that he may have filmed you secretly then you have a bigger problem here than the dressing up.

What you say about the cleared history sounds dodgy too I'm afraid.

The more you write, the more I'm getting a picture of a man who is very secretive generally and who always seems to have you slightly on the back foot.

Brittapieandchips · 23/09/2014 09:08

You seem very understanding, of course you feel a bit confused, I think anyone would. (I know I'd be a bit wtf if I found this about DP, and we move in circles where many people do this and I really wouldn't be terribly surprised at many other more 'extreme' things from him - wearing your clothes is somehow more personal and disconcerting)

He's a lucky man to have you. Presuming there is nothing more, I bet he will be massively relieved to have it out in the open.

Original poster
mumpossible · 23/09/2014 09:11

Yes as I was typing I thought if this was someone else I would be suspecting some major issues! It doesn't sound healthy but it isn't quite as bad as it sounds.
He is a really lovely man. He is attentive and generous. Supportive. A great dad. Really makes.me feel beautiful and loved.

He is highly sexed and very visual. I think I am ok with the pictures he has taken of me/us because they are not that indecent- im not actually naked in any of them. I knew he used those when wanking and I'm ok with that because I know they aren't degrading and that is our way of working out the difference in our sex drives. Probably sounds odd to others but worked for us.
The filming he denied the next day and I was drunk so wondered if it really happened or not.
But wiping his memory and the fact be never puts his phone down do seem more suspicious.

OP posts:
Jayne35 · 23/09/2014 09:49

Hi OP, just read this thread and didn't want to run off without commenting. If he is only getting off to pics of you and him that can only be a good thing, much better than watching other porn for the reasons you stated.

Not sure how I would react in your shoes, I think it's one of things that you would only know if you were in that situation. You sound ok though, wanting to chat calmly to your DH is probably the best way. He may have deleted everything because he thinks you suspect, he is probably embarrassed about it all.

I hope you manage to get him to be honest then move forward if you can as you have said he is lovely in every other way. Smile

kaykayblue · 23/09/2014 10:27

At the very least he needs to stop wearing YOUR clothes, and ruining them. He will be paying to get your dress fixed, and to replace your shoes.

Then he can buy clothes of his own to wear from an online shop if he wants. Tell him if you notice any of your stuff damaged again, you will be getting a lock for your wardrobe.

I'm actually getting quite annoyed about this whole thing. What a huge disrespect for your possessions. And then to outright lie about it??

peggyundercrackers · 23/09/2014 10:35

surely hes getting off on wearing your clothes because hes imagining you in them - hes seen you in them, putting them on, taking them off etc. - that's the turn on for him.

LoonytoadQuack · 23/09/2014 10:39

Just ask him.

If he tries to deflect by mentioning "snooping" then you say "Yes. I snooped. Let's agree that snooping is wrong. Anyway - back to you wanking in my twinset".

Don't let him try to convince you that snooping is worse.

leeloo1 · 23/09/2014 10:42

Have you noticed any of your clothes being damaged before? That'd probably give you a good indication of whether he's tried this before or not.

neiljames77 · 23/09/2014 10:45

Is there any chance he could lose some weight so at least you're the same dress size?

HampshireBoy · 23/09/2014 10:52

It sounds like you are taking your time here OP, which sounds sensible to me, try to find a non-confrontational approach to your DH. It may be that he just likes the feel and look in private and want to view himself in photos, and all you need to do is establish rules. Of course the other extreme might be that he wants to go out in public as a woman. But what you need to do is have the talk and then decide if you can deal with it.

One of my friends had a boyfriend who loved to dress up in her underwear, she was fine with it but when she talked about it other friends were disgusted at the idea. I should add that this came out at a party when we were sat around drinking, we don't normally talk about things like this.

LoonytoadQuack · 23/09/2014 10:52

^

dadwood · 23/09/2014 13:47

Hi OP

I'm a straight man who would somewhat rather have been born a woman. I am open about this to my wife and some friends. That makes things a lot easier. I love women's clothes but I don't wear them because I think I look ridiculous in them.

Even if I wanted to, I wouldn't wear my wife's clothes without consent, that would be an invasion of her property, but I don't feel ashamed, maybe your husband feels he not able to talk about this.

That said, I assuming it is a gender identification issue and not a power play.