What is this situation, and how do i practically and emotionally get out of it? (long, possibly triggering)

[notsurehowigottothispoint]

Sorry, this is extremely long and i'm so worried about posting. It has been therapeutic to put it down in words though, and thank you so much if you get to the end.

I am a very long time lurker and occasional poster but have NC for this post. There is so much to say.. I guess I will start with what happened this weekend just gone and fill in from there to give a more detailed picture of the situation I have found myself in. This has been going on, on and off, for four, nearly five years.

On Friday I went away with ‘him’, for 2 nights at a b&b to “spend some time together”. We’re not ‘together’ and haven’t been for years as it has been really on and off, he is nice for a bit then does something awful and I am hurt and back away then he swears he’s changed…god it’s such a cliché.

Anyway, we went for a pub meal, I had one glass of wine, we went back to the hotel and I changed into pyjamas and got into bed. I kissed him, said I had enjoyed spending time with him and that I was shattered, turned over and went to sleep, drowsy with it being late- when I am tired its almost like a physical shutdown, I just crash out and can be asleep within a minute of my head hitting the pillow.

I was aware of him sort of trying it on as I drifted off, and said no, leave me alone, he stopped and I was able to get to sleep. Woke up I don’t know how long afterwards with a sharp pain as he was pushing his penis into me. I exclaimed ow! , said stop!, and he muttered sorry, I put my hand over myself ( my vagina) and must have fallen back into sleep.

Woken again by him pulling my shorts down and trying to touch and push his fingers into my vagina and bum (I’m sorry for TMI but don’t know how else to explain it). I pushed his hands off and said stop it, but he kept going back, wouldn’t stop, I was so tired. I crawled out of bed onto the floor to get away from him and he was like, look, I’m sorry, I’ll leave you alone, get back into bed. This happened once more and he got angry and said fine I’ll fucking sleep on the floor.

Around 4am I woke up and my bits were on fire, I had to get up and hold a cold wet towel on them in the bathroom. He moaned that I was waking him up (he was on the floor with spare blankets).

The next morning I was still sore and he was acting all nice as pie talking about what we were going to do that day. I was in the shower and sort of had a bit of a panic, as I was sexually abused and raped by older boys when I was 13 and as I got older and in my mind I was in the shower trying to soothe my sore bits and feeling about 13.
He was in the room between the bathroom and the door to get out and I felt a bit panicky.
No one knows this, but he knows something happened like that in my past. I told him I was having a bit of a panic and he was like “Why??”

I came out of the shower and told him I wasn’t happy about how he’d acted last night. I explained how sore I was. He said “I’ve already said I’m sorry, what more do you want me to do?”. I said that he has said sorry so many times before that it has lost meaning for me. I am sick of him always thinking he can take what he wants from me. He went completely mental saying oh are you calling me a rapist then?? I said no, but it wasn’t exactly consent if I was asleep is it? He said “ that’s it, here we go I’m such a bastard” etc etc. I asked him to take me home and he got really angry and drove dangerously and aggressively.
I have been in this situation so many times I have lost count. It feels normal. Since then I’ve had the usual messages ranging from I’m sorry, I’ll change, to “we’re obviously sexually incompatible” and “you just can’t handle my desire”.

History part: (I will try and be as concise as possible, as I say this has been going on for years and a lot has happened)

*10 months after I broke up with DS(now 6)’ dad, I was asked out for a drink by ‘him’. Had known of him and met him a few times over previous 5 yrs as had mutual friends. Friends actively encouraged me to meet with him. Went out and looking back he tried it on first night we met but I rebuffed him as I just personally can’t do sexual things with people I don’t know and care for.

*We started dating and 4 months in at his Bday drinks he got really drunk and this girl he knows was all over him, touching his chest, he ignored me all night despite me trying to join conversation, I went out to beer garden for less than 15 mins while a friend smoked and he went mental and got angry cause I’d apparently “fucked off”. I thought I’d better take him home, we stopped for food and this girl popped up and they were literally touching each others faces for about 40 mins while I stood there with a cold pizza and only stopped when I got in a taxi to leave.
Next day all apologies and swore he’d not have contact with her – FF to him leaving his fb message open on my laptop where he was asking her when she was next free for a drink. Lied to my face, then sorry. (Sounds so teenage, no?)

*The whole time he has accused me of sleeping with my son’s dad because I put myself out to facilitate contact and promote his relationship with DS.

*Accuses me of sleeping with male friend I’ve known since I was 17.

*When I bumped into old housemate I haven’t seen for a decade he threw a tantrum cause I was ‘ignoring him and taking the piss’, was rude to said friend and stormed off. When we got home he ranted for FOUR HOURS about how I was taking the piss and I don’t care about him, when I asked him to stop shouting at me he screamed “ This isn’t shouting THIS IS FUUUUUCKING SHOUUUUUTINGGGGG!!!!” Poor kids next door. Then refused to let me leave his house or sleep in a different room to me and slept practically ‘guarding’ me all night on the floor next to the sofa I slept on cause I wouldn’t go to bed with him. Oh and he threw sofa cushions around with such force they snapped his solid wood blinds. Again next day he’s “sorry” and he’ll change.

*Threw strops about me wanting to go to college to get into uni and why won’t I move in and have kids with him. Accused me of sleeping with every male on said college course.

*When I actually got confidence from going to college and met new friends and broke up with him (very carefully) he waged a campaign against me with 100’s of abusive texts a day, emails, letters, and actually standing outside my window and looking into my basement flat where he saw a male friend I was actually telling how scared I was he would do something awful and going completely mental that I’d been “fucking”(ugh) this guy all along and I’m a lying bitch etc etc. I hadn’t, of course.

*Around this time he purposefully got in contact with a girl I had been very close friends with but she had dumped me with no explanation while my son (then 2) was seriously ill in hospital at xmas, and repeatedly slept with her then told me all about it. Why it had to be her I still don’t understand as it was heartbreaking. He told me how they sat there and said I didn’t deserve him.

*Every time I was so hurt I felt I couldn’t take any more and broke up with him, he was so relentless and alternately vicious and horrible about me or telling me what a princess I am, banging on my door, phonecalls etc I am ashamed to say it was just easier to see him.

*Over all these years I have done things like: Had sex with him to get him to stop hurting and pawing/poking/prodding at me. Cried as he had sex with me. Given him hand relief to get him to leave me alone.

*Since I have completed college at distinction, gained a place at an excellent uni and moved cities on my own with DS, he has said things like “I bet you tell everyone at Uni you’re a poor old single mum an no one loves you so that they feel sorry for you”. I’m alternately a bitch, a “fucking little pikey cunt”(?!) and a lovely woman, a princess.

I would like to point out that DS has actually only witnessed one incident where there was low level arguing out of the room and he then called me a bitch in front of him which was unacceptable. The rest has been messages, emails, phonecalls, and when DS has not been there. Everyone thinks he is a good looking charming man. The above are just a few examples of a lot of things that have happened.

Outwardly, I must seem capable, I am bringing up a son, I’m full time at uni on a professional course, I am getting good marks, excellent feedback on placement. Part of me is just indifferent about this whole thing, that I might as well accept I’ll never be free of him, the harassment, the declarations of love, I might as well just have his kids and do what he wants. Why do I go back? I just can’t answer that. Maybe part of me wants to be loved. I feel dismayed that this has taken five years of my life, but part of me feels I probably deserve it.

Reading this back I sound like a spineless victim and I’m ashamed at the reality of it. Please can you be honest with me about what this situation is, and how best, practically and emotionally, to get out of it? I am in another cycle of apologies and promises of change from him at the moment, he is not listening to what I am saying.

Thank you so much for reading.

When he felt aggrieved that I had dumped him that time, and sought out my aforementioned ex-friend to sleep with, he didn't use a condom, and lied about it to me to get me to let him sleep with me. He could have put my life at risk, potentially. He got so angry with me about that one.
Because I was so aghast that anyone would do that on purpose to someone else when they didn't have to.

I feel ill. That's just not normal, is it?

I feel disgusting.
I have just changed GP's, I agree that I should go, but shit, where to start? How to open my mouth and even try to explain five years in a few sentences.

It's not normal but it's not your fault, you're definitely not the disgusting one.

Have you tried your uni counselling service? I know some have crisis services that you can speak to if you have an urgent issue so you won't have to wait as long. Someone mentioned speaking to your university services further up, it's a good idea - they should have counsellors, the student union probably has a women's advice service, there is probably an academic in charge of pastoral care for female students... there is help out there, they can help you coordinate things if nothing else. It's hard to get all the practical stuff sorted when you are struggling with how you feel, so they will be able to help you plan it all out.

Ask for a double appointment. Print off your posts into word or something and take it with you.

Hand it to the doctor and then they can read that without you having to actually say it all out loud.

No, it's not normal.

Yes, book a double appointment.
If it is helpful to you, print off your OP - it is a very succinct summary of issues that I am sure are far deeper and wider and more complex, but a very good starting point.

Don't feel stupid - feel proud of having seen the light and of the strength you are showing in wanting to tackle this.

More for you, notsure.

I can only say the same as everyone else - this is a very, very abusive relationship and it is causing you real harm. He is, as others have said, a rapist, pure and simple. You cannot give consent while you are asleep - and anyway, you told him before you went to sleep you didn't want sex, so you were absolutely clear at the point where you could give consent. There's no way round this. That's just referring to this most recent incident, but it's obviously been an ongoing pattern.

Emotionally you need to start seeing this man as an abuser and not someone you could ever have any kind of healthy relationship with - and you need to see that now, urgently.

You also need to see that none of this, not one tiny little bit, is your fault. From what you say about your childhood, I would imagine that it left you susceptible and vulnerable to an abusive predator like him. I'm assuming some form of neglect and/or abuse - any kind of abuse, including emotional, can skew your judgement and self image massively. It certainly doesn't sound like you grew up with a good sense of self worth, or the ability to set good boundaries, and that isn't your fault. You are not disgusting in any way and one day you will know that. The shame is all his.

Also, you were introduced by friends, so he came with a recommendation, as it were, so you had good reason to trust him, so you thought.

So much good advice on here. Yes to speaking to Women's Aid - I think that you can email them rather than phone, yes. More counselling for you, definitely. You could see if the one you saw together really has been seeing him alone, and if not, it might help to tell her the real truth, seeing as she clearly picked up something from your session together. Or start afresh. But definitely you need to unpick these lies that he's been feeding you about you and him and your relationship. Good idea too re uni counselling services.

And if you have the strength, yes, definitely report him to the police. I know that conviction rates are dismally low in rape cases, so it wouldn't necessarily go all the way to court, but he raped you. And he has repeatedly sexually and emotionally abused you. He is a dangerous predator, who is a menace to other women too - if you get this logged, then even if it goes no further, it might raise a red flag if another woman ever makes a complaint against him.

Also, if you report him, it might mean you can get some kind of order against him if he won't leave you alone. It does sound from past form as if he won't let you go easily, and you need all the support you can get not to get sucked back in again.

Sorry. I'm bombarding you. Read what you can and ignore the rest!

In simple terms: you need to break with this man absolutely. He is abusive. He is hurting you. He will not change. He will continue to hurt you if he gets half a chance. It is not your fault. You deserve to be protected from this man. This thread is your first step to really getting him out of your life! For which, very well done.

'That's just not normal, is it?'

It's normal behaviour for someone with a deep hatred of women. You and your friend, I would suggest, he sees as sub-human. Things to serve a purpose and there for his pleasure rather than people in your own right.

His job doesn't involve vulnerable women or girls does it?

Talkinginthedark this: "You cannot give consent while you are asleep - and anyway, you told him before you went to sleep you didn't want sex, so you were absolutely clear at the point where you could give consent"
makes it crystal clear, thank you. I'm not going mad. Thank you thank you.
Cogito , he has to go into schools a lot, he would never be alone around kids. He, strangely, is great with an loves kids. Probably because inside he is one.

Please please change your mobile number and seek counselling at the very least.

Bless you x

Please please change your mobile number and seek counselling at the very least.

Bless you x

Apart from the one time he was with DS on his skateboard, a young lad on a BMX cut them up, DS flew off and instead of checking he was ok, he went crazy at the boy, picked up his BMX and was trying to throw it over the hedge, young lad hanging onto it for dear life until I screamed at him to stop while cradling a crying DS.
I need to see reality. You are all right. I must find the guts to tell in RL.

Inside he is not a kid... Inside he is a very disturbed & dangerous individual. If he likes kids it's because he can control them.

Bloody hell. Get out, and quick. It doesn't have to be a big deal - just block contact.

Corygal, I have done that before, he uses whatever method he can to get to me. I know 100% that he will not just go away.
Believe me, if it was as simple as blocking contact I would have done it years ago.

Hello love. Are you in a rental or is this a mortgaged house?

I am hoping Women's aid may be able to give me advice on how to safely extricate myself from this situation, I am just taking everything in that has been said this afternoon on this thread about what is really going on.

FunkyBoldRibena I am renting with DS.

Sweetheart, he's not great with kids, people who are great with kids don't abuse em by making them witness violent outbursts of temper and aggression.

The main weapons you've got in blocking him are the laws surrounding harassment and stalking. Even if you're not prepared to report the sexual assaults, the police will be very interested in him if he does either. There are non-molestation orders, for example, designed to keep him out of your environment.

So start keeping records, take photographs if he is sat outside your house, keep a diary of contact, save any messages and e-mails and start building the case against him. Take back the power. Do call the 101 emergency number & talk to them about your concerns. Do call Womens Aid. You will gain strength from going as public as possible and getting as many people on side as possible. He can't intimidate you all...

Oh sweetheart, I'm so glad that something in my rambly post was useful! No, you're NOT going mad.

Totally with Cogito re the police. He won't go quietly: you need back up.

I know this must be overwhelming, you've only just started to see what's really going on, it's so good you're taking what people are saying on board. That in itself takes courage.

Ok so you can move pretty quickly if you need to. I think as this is a sustained situation you need to go to the police and if you need to, print out your first post for them to remind you of all the details. I don't think you are going to escape if you don't have them to back you up.

And don't let his choice of career sway you. It's a good thing he will be prevented from working with kids in the future, not a bad one. He is an evil nasty rapist.

Talkinginthedark everything you said was incredibly useful. You're spot on about childhood, boundaries and self-worth, as well as what you said about how I need to see the 'relationship' now, seeing it for what it really is.
Thank you so much.

I have just moved, FunkyBold, unfortunately it wiped me out financially so I can't move anytime soon, but I see what you're saying, yes.
Hanging onto my vision of qualifying, getting a decent job and buying a little place out of the way in Devon.
I can dream. and dream, I do!

Please, please listen to the wise and knowledgeable women on this thread.

Report him - even if he doesn't get charged, it is logged.

Never be in a room alone with him again.

Regard him as a chapter in your life which is closed.

Ignore all messages.

If he approaches you in person just act very dull, quiet and uninterested. If he asks you why you are not contacting him just say something along the lines of 'I haven't been feeling myself'. Keep repeating, whatever he throws at you, looking more and more dull and uninteresting. No smiles, no hair-flicks, no animation in your face. Don't rise to any insults or antagonism.

Tell your son that you won't be seeing him any more as he was unkind to you.

Love. this is awful for you. You will get shot of this appalling creature one day - so don't lose heart.

I know it sounds like a headache, but the police will be brilliant if you talk to them, as will Women's Aid. You need a helping hand.