Is anyone else totally pissed off with doing everything?

[Madcat22]

I'm on mat leave with DC2; going back to work next week. Perhaps in anticipation of this I'm festering on doing bloody everything- DH is turning into a 1950s man who sits around and expects me to wait on him. I do all the childcare, shopping, washing, tidying, arranging etc etc. He does the gardening because it's a hobby and irons our son's school clothes because I don't do it well enough but that's about it. I will be working full time compressed into four days and will still do everything. He also criticises me for not doing things well enough. If I react to this I'm told not to get hysterical - literally- or "let's not make a fuss". At weekends I run around after the kids and doing chores while he gets drunk then he gets really antagonistic and belittling, mocking me for getting stressed about doing everything one handed (DC2 still wants to be held all the time). I even pick up his dirty clothes from the floor and clean the loo after he's messed it up. He's not a 14 year old boy. I have no family to help and if I raise this with him (tried before) it will make things even worse - he either has a go at me, sulks for many weeks or deliberately does even less just to prove a point. I'm getting really resentful.

JUST STOP then. He sounds dreadful. How dare he criticise you when he sits and does FA except drink! This is terrible behaviour.
Make a list of what needs doing, sit down and agree what you each do.

Stop picking up his dirty clothes. Don't tolerate cleaning the loo after him- FFS!

Let him sulk. Just stop doing everything. Tell him he either behaves like a grown man and pulls his weight and is supportive, or you will consider ending the relationship.

I've been a lone parent for over 14 years. I do everything. :) DS is expected to pull his weight & I hire people to do various jobs but, other than that, I do everything. People occasionally ask me if I wouldn't like a man in my life to share the burden and then I read a post like yours and think it's not worth the bother.

Tip.... it's a lot easier to schedule your week and it's a lot more relaxing when you know you're the only one responsible for all the work. If it gets done, it gets done. If it doesn't, no biggie. Seriously suggest you consider getting shot of this lazy, miserable, antagonistic, nit-picking drunk and embrace constructive independence. It's better than a life of resentment.

Tell your dh that if he wants to hold the title of husband and father then he has to fulfil the general things associated with those roles! That would include assisting you in the practicalities of day to day life by contributing his time to the home and the children. Advise him nicely that if he does not want to dedicate any of his time at all to the family unit/home then his presence is rather pointless.

You are not a nanny/cook/cleaner/PA. You are a wife and mother yes but your also yourself and deserve time in the week to be yourself.

I kid you not life would be less stressful without him because you would have one less person to clean after plus he would take the dc for contact whilst you had a break - tell him not to force you into going down this road.........

No, because we both share the load. You don't have to do his half.

It's far too early to be suggesting the marriage is over when the OP has a new 2nd child. The children's needs have to come into all of this.
Marriages need to be worked at- it's not roses all the way for 60+ years and I've been in mine for 30 with plenty of hiccups.

OP you need to talk and set out your feelings and expectations. Give him a time limit - in your own head if you want- say 6 months. If that doesn't work then maybe try discussing this with a professional counsellor so that he has 3rd person input. Then and only after that if nothing changes, think about whether you'd be better off on your own, but don't underestimate the downside of that as well.

Oh yeah.... children really need an antagonistic, lazy drunk in their lives...

Just as much as they need a parent who ends the marriage at the drop of a hat without even trying..............

Isn't trying? The OP is the only one making any effort here. If anyone is ending the marriage it's the person putting nothing into it. Surely it's him that should be 'trying'?

Oh dear I can predict this whole situation is going to deteriorate even more in the coming months.

On a practical level can you employ a cleaner? Childcare is presumably sorted.

You have 3 choices. Carry on doing everything (maybe with a cleaner) and accept your H is a lazy shit and try not to get angry for the sake of preserving your marriage and stability for the DC. The long term affects of this is growing anger and resentment arguments and eventual breakdown if the marriage.

Don't cook meals for him, leave all his laundry on the floor, do not do his washing, withdraw emotionally and physically from him. Great him like a hostile stranger, don't engage with him. This is risky as he may become more angry and hostile towards you and start staying out and become even more like a sulky teenager. Again the marriage can break down completely.

Try talking to him again. At first on a 'we are a team and need to work together' 'this is too hard on me with a full time job and childcare etc' eventually working up to an ultimatum (but still communicating) 'pull your finger out or else!'

I can see this all going tits up so would suggest the cleaner if financially possible as a first resort. (Explain to H why you can't have holidays as the cleaner is more necessary to your sanity unless he does a fair share of homecare). Good luck but don't put up with this.

My DH is very good at "helping". If I ask him to do anything he does it, usually within a decent timeframe but it still drives me mad that I have to do all the thinking.

e.g. when he comes in I often ask him to get the washing off the line while I finish dinner, but he would never, ever notice that the washing is on the line and go and get it without being asked.

The Op's situation obviously needs changing but it's ridiculous to suggest the marriage is over and it's too easy to say children are better off with no Dad at home than a bad one. In the vast majority of cases that's just not true.

When we were both working long hours a cleaner saved our marriage. Was far more important to us at the time than holidays etc.

I've also discovered that it is much less frustrating when you are not waiting around for someone else to do their share of the housework, or having to beg ask them to do stuff every week. Not sure it is actually worth jettisoning a husband purely to avoid conflict over housework, but is that what this is about - or is it just that now you have more stress, the cracks that were already there are getting bigger?
I'd also say couples counselling to start with. Not sure I'd wait a full 6 months first though.

your hubby makes mine sound like a saint .i always done all housework /cooking .womens work according to hubby .he always helped with the children gardening diy . .credit where its due .but the diffrence was i am asahm .you will be knackered when you go back to work .i would arrange a couple of days out and leave him to it with the children and maybe then he will get the picture .

But it isn't just the housework, although that is bad enough. OP's husband also mocks, criticises and belittles her, whilst sitting around getting drunk. How would hiring a cleaner solve that issue? It is abusive. OP needs to hear that she doesn't have to put up with this.

Exactly basgetti.... The OP is told they are hysterical, 'making a fuss' and also he's described as antagonistic and belittling, mocking me for getting stressed. No wonder the baby always wants to be held. The atmosphere must be very upsetting.

I'm on mat leave with DC2; going back to work next week

Now is a brilliant time for you both to discuss the new division of chores.

Far more complex is his disrespectful, unloving words and treatment of you, seeing you as a skivvy. Not cleaning the toilet after himself? What does that tell you about how he sees you?

Bas. I do agree OPs H sounds like a total shit but she has a baby to care for and another DC and is just easing back into the workplace.

Telling H to get out now is going to make things much difficult. Employing a cleaner will give her some breathing space. Time for the new DC to settle into childcare. Time to get used to her job again. Time to look at the financial options for a single parent future. And time to get the lazy sod to pull his weight and start treating her like a partner and not a servant.

Fwiw I don't think this marriage will last longer than 6 months unless H changes his attitudes completely.

These threads really upset me.

I fail to see how advising a mother to leave her husband when they have 2 children- one of whom is barely a year old- without even attempting to improve matters by discussion.

She may well decide that separating is the only way forward - but not yet.

People deserve a chance to change and especially when children are involved.

Sorry Red, I was referring to Explored saying a cleaner saved her marriage. I agree with both your posts.

if I raise this with him (tried before) it will make things even worse - he either has a go at me, sulks for many weeks or deliberately does even less just to prove a point.

OP has tried to discuss it with him, all she gets in return is abuse.

He sounds vile. Its not just that hes a lazy git, hes also abusive. Sorry

This is not going to be solved by simply getting a cleaner in; this is not just about cleaning.

I doubt very much that this man is actually open to any type of discussion at all because he won't want to give up his princely ways very easily if at all. OP has tried to raise the situation with him before with the results being that he either sulks or has a go.

The children are being emotionally harmed by seeing such a crap role model of a marriage.

Thanks all, really appreciate the support. Makes me realise perhaps I'm not just being hysterical(!). In fairness to DH he has a totally mad job which involves huge responsibility, travel and long long hours but that only mitigates a bit .... It's the same at weekends after all! I cant ask him to do things because that makes him really pissed off thinking that I'm controlling him. When I was pregnant I once asked him to get the washing in while I put DS to bed and he had a massive go telling me he was sick of my fucking attitude, thinking I could tell him what to do etc (in front of DS - he was drunk). I feel mean saying these things because there's lots of good things about him, I do love him and he's a great dad but factually I'm afraid it's all true.

I think this is why MN has the reputation for always screaming LTB!

It's impossible to know from the OP's few posts what has been said and how. someone's 'I discussed it' is another person's nagging which is water off a duck's back.

We don't know if the OP has sat down and really discussed this - and given ultimatums- or if it's always been low level nagging- pretty ineffective usually.

I don't agree with women putting up with any old crap in marriages, but I do think that there nowadays people are too quick to be advised to cut and run compared to one or two generations back when couples tried hard to work things out.

Most women then couldn't leave due to lack of state benefits or no career prospects. In some ways that had its advantages because it did make people TRY everything before they gave up.

I sometimes wonder if some posters who inhabit this forum so much are paid by MNHQ to be provocative and suggest LTB! as they make a career out of being here and saying that!

Is he at all aware of his problem with drink? Do you see his drinking as a key problem, not just something incidental? I'm a bit disturbed by the way you just mention it in passing, as if it is something normal.