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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is anyone else totally pissed off with doing everything?

117 replies

Madcat22 · 22/09/2014 08:10

I'm on mat leave with DC2; going back to work next week. Perhaps in anticipation of this I'm festering on doing bloody everything- DH is turning into a 1950s man who sits around and expects me to wait on him. I do all the childcare, shopping, washing, tidying, arranging etc etc. He does the gardening because it's a hobby and irons our son's school clothes because I don't do it well enough but that's about it. I will be working full time compressed into four days and will still do everything. He also criticises me for not doing things well enough. If I react to this I'm told not to get hysterical - literally- or "let's not make a fuss". At weekends I run around after the kids and doing chores while he gets drunk then he gets really antagonistic and belittling, mocking me for getting stressed about doing everything one handed (DC2 still wants to be held all the time). I even pick up his dirty clothes from the floor and clean the loo after he's messed it up. He's not a 14 year old boy. I have no family to help and if I raise this with him (tried before) it will make things even worse - he either has a go at me, sulks for many weeks or deliberately does even less just to prove a point. I'm getting really resentful.

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 22/09/2014 09:45

A lazy, antagonistic drunk. Wow.

Vivacia · 22/09/2014 09:51

Saying, "I'm sick of your fucking attitude" to your son's mother in front of him makes you a bad father in my book.

I cant ask him to do things because that makes him really pissed off thinking that I'm controlling him.

  1. You should be able to ask your husband things like this.
  2. In this case though, you don't ask him to do chores. You say, "lets sit down and decide who will do what when I go back to work".
Original poster
Madcat22 · 22/09/2014 09:55

I've no intention of leaving him, our marriage is not at that point at all and the kids need their dad. I do need to talk to him but I need to pick the right time or it will make things worse. It probably will anyway to be honest, but at least I should try. I just can't face the consequent fall out and hostility just yet when things are going to change so much anyway.

OP posts:
Redrosesplease · 22/09/2014 10:00

H does sound like he is under a great deal of stress and is self medicating with alcohol. Alcohol misuse is a downhill road and it may be that if he can get help with stress and his alcohol use, his attitude to you and to his contribution to the home may change. When people are under a great deal of stress they will usually turn on those closest to them.

Men often feel under great pressure to provide for their families and if that pressure becomes unbearable to them they see the family set up as the cause and the resentment causes the type of behaviour you describe.

Can he get medical help? Counselling? Reduce his workload? Anything to reduce his anxiety levels?

If you are prepared to look at him in this way you may be able to save your marriage but it is entirely dependent on him recognising there is a problem and getting help or rethinking his job. You cannot do it for him and if he continues this way you have no choice but to end the marriage.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/09/2014 10:01

Women usually come out with the "great dad" comment when they themselves can think of nothing else positive to write about their man.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

The only thing that will change here is that another child is being brought into this situation. That person will go onto see and hear everything that their eldest sibling has already heard.

How do you feel about your H's drinking?. Actually did you yourself grow up within a not too dissimilar environment?.

He is not a great dad to his children if you are treated so abysmally.

What do you think your children will be learning about relationships here if this continues as it likely will because he simply sees you as a nag to be ignored.

ravenmum · 22/09/2014 10:04

Can you get him to go to counselling with you? He might take it better when someone in a position of "authority" takes what you say seriously.
Your marriage might not be at that point now, but it is on that path when you have to find the right moment or reap the consequences. It's on that path when you feel resentment about picking up his clothes. It's on that path when you are married to a drunk.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2014 10:05

Realise you have no intention of leaving him. But the fact that you are talking in terms of 'picking the right time' says that you have lost confidence and are trying to second-guess his reaction. You sound not only exasperated & resentful but rather anxious about triggering more outbursts. You don't have to tolerate that.

Edtfdess · 22/09/2014 10:06

I have given up on my husband.

He will do stuff, but it will take him all day. He doesn't mind living in a mess.

I have to live in a clean and tidy environment and prefer to just stay on top of things and get it all done, so I just do it. I can't be arsed to argue anymore tbh.

Vivacia · 22/09/2014 10:07

I've no intention of leaving him, our marriage is not at that point at all and the kids need their dad

I think we all need to respect your judgement in the first part of this sentence. With regards to the second, I would make one point and ask one question. Point - freeing your family from the effects of his behaviour will not mean they won't still have their father. Question - what parts of his current parenting behaviour do your children need?

Momagain1 · 22/09/2014 10:08

There are many problems here. But housekeeping division is NOT the priority. Drunkeness and accompanying abuse are absolutely unacceptable, and should be dealt with immediately.

It may be that dealing with that turns him into a sensible human willing to do his share.

It maybe that forcing this issue is like pulling a thread on a sweater, and the whole situation will unravel.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/09/2014 10:08

If this man is indeed a drunkard then joint counselling is pointless because he will likely not go.

He will also likely dismiss any counsellor by saying such tripe like, "I've got a cousin older than you, am not going to listen to some person telling me what to do!".

Vivacia · 22/09/2014 10:09

But Edtfdess do you mean he doesn't mind a bit of clutter or that he refuses to clean the toilet after himself and refuses to keep a safe environment for your children?

AnyFucker · 22/09/2014 10:09

Your husband sounds like a vile pig. That is all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/09/2014 10:12

"I've no intention of leaving him, our marriage is not at that point at all and the kids need their dad"

A dad yes, a drunkard dad that shouts at and belittles their mother whilst he sits there drinking no.

Anyway what about your own needs?.

ravenmum · 22/09/2014 10:14

Attila, I never got to try out the couples counselling so it's all theory to me Confused but if nothing else, doesn't even just bringing up the idea make the difficulties more official? So that you are officially in need of help as your marriage is officially at risk, if you see what I mean?

Gen35 · 22/09/2014 10:17

Yes, he probably is under pressure, but, my DH also works v long hours, 7 days a week for weeks sometimes, travels and has a lot of stress but I'm not afraid to tackle him when I feel he's letting me down. Sounds like you need individual counseling so you start standing up to his unreasonable behaviour and belittling of you and see where it takes you. I suppose if things weren't always this bad, if you start standing up to him every time he's unkind etc, maybe he'll get the message...

Explored · 22/09/2014 10:22

Of course a cleaner alone isn't going to solve everything but it will remove one serious bone of contention and leave space/time/energy to start dealing with the rest.

I have never been convinced by the argument that children are happier when their mother parents are happy. Obviously it would be better if all children saw a happy loving relationship modelled but real life isn't like that. Even the most wonderful spouses can have spells when they're snappy and unreasonable because of ill health, pressures at work, worries about their relationship etc. IMO it's far better for children so see that these things can pass and be overcome, than to teach them to leave as soon as it's not hearts and flowers all the time.

Whilst I would never advocate a woman staying with a violent partner we do know that outcomes for children whose fathers leave are worse than for those who don't (on average). OP will have to make her own decision regarding how much of her own happiness she's prepared to sacrifice for her children but to say the children would be better off if she left is ridiculous.

Vivacia · 22/09/2014 10:29

I have never been convinced by the argument that children are happier when their mother parents are happy.

Interesting thought. What's more important to a child's happiness then?

we do know that outcomes for children whose fathers leave are worse than for those who don't (on average).

Do we?!

basgetti · 22/09/2014 10:33

Actually recent studies have shown that it is poverty that can negatively influence outcomes for children, and if that factor is taken out of the equation then the children of separated and lone parents don't actually fare any worse.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 22/09/2014 10:33

I think in this instance it's not a decision of how much happiness she is prepared to sacrifice. It appears that she's prepared to sacrifice all of it.

A drunken arsehole who abuses her for merely asking him to take in the bloody washing while she's attending to the kids for fuck's sake!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 22/09/2014 10:35

" to say the children would be better off if she left is ridiculous."

It's not really ridiculous although 'better off' is a very individual assessment. However, ask anyone who grew up in an unhappy household with warring or resentful parents - especially where alcohol was a factor - and they'll tell you that it had very damaging effects on their wellbeing, security and ability form lasting relationships.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 22/09/2014 10:37

Explored you are talking out of your arse!

A drunken, lazy and abusive father in the home permanently denigrating and threatening their child's mother is better for the children than a happy but hard-working mother on her own? NEVER!

Explored · 22/09/2014 10:40

Yes we do, this is the Guardian but you'll find similar articles in the Telegraphy and papers published by all sorts of professional bodies e.g American Sociological Association, US Department of Health and Human Services, World Health Organisation.

Lots of things are more/equally important to a child's happiness, like living with their father

BeCool · 22/09/2014 10:40

I'm so sorry you are married to a lazy entitled fucker.
What is HE doing to change?

You do know he feels that it is your ROLE in life to clean up after the entire family? And his role in life to let you and crack on with whatever it is he wants to do?

I think you need to seriously take a good look as to why you think your children benefit from living with a drunk lazy aggressive belittling hostile misogynistic sulky manipulative sexist role model?

Gen35 · 22/09/2014 10:40

The other thing to bear in mind is that when you look back over a childhood of parents where one parent got away with putting down the other or being disrespectful, you don't always feel sorry for the victim but wonder why they stayed. It might be better for the kids in the short run, who knows, but you're also modeling behaviors they'll repeat in adult life and they need to see healthy relationships.