Is anyone else totally pissed off with doing everything?

[Madcat22]

I'm on mat leave with DC2; going back to work next week. Perhaps in anticipation of this I'm festering on doing bloody everything- DH is turning into a 1950s man who sits around and expects me to wait on him. I do all the childcare, shopping, washing, tidying, arranging etc etc. He does the gardening because it's a hobby and irons our son's school clothes because I don't do it well enough but that's about it. I will be working full time compressed into four days and will still do everything. He also criticises me for not doing things well enough. If I react to this I'm told not to get hysterical - literally- or "let's not make a fuss". At weekends I run around after the kids and doing chores while he gets drunk then he gets really antagonistic and belittling, mocking me for getting stressed about doing everything one handed (DC2 still wants to be held all the time). I even pick up his dirty clothes from the floor and clean the loo after he's messed it up. He's not a 14 year old boy. I have no family to help and if I raise this with him (tried before) it will make things even worse - he either has a go at me, sulks for many weeks or deliberately does even less just to prove a point. I'm getting really resentful.

Great point ada - XP is very much an active and involved parent - even more so then when we all lived together.

pinkfrocks we'll just have to take you word for it then

I was talking to my (now adult) daughter at the weekend and she said how much she would miss the parent she wasn't with, so much that it hurt. (We never lived together, her father and I). I pointed out (gently I hope) that that was better than not wanting to see either parent, which was what I felt as a child.

yes ada I think so many women know deep down before they split up that their husbands/partners will fail at fatherhood if it's a challenge, if it's not right there under their roof, so they assume the guilt in advance of their husbands' failure to parent by staying indefinitely.

Those absent fathers were probably also crap husbands.

exactly. Good man and good father, they are so intertwined.

Put the baby down and let it cry, you simply cannot do everything one handed, you are going to end up with a clingy child.

Sorry, but that's dreadful advice. As is suggesting handing the baby to the father, given that he's drunk...

Pinkfrocks, my daughter would like to eat nothing but Haribo Starmix and spaghetti bolognaise, and for us to spend each weekend at Legoland with no regard for the financial consequences. Parents make decisions in their children's best interests all the time. It's not always what they think they want. I have friends who grew up with nasty male role models. They have had hideous personal lives.

How is putting a clingy baby down, instead of trying to do all your household chores one handed with a baby hanging off your hip 'dreadful advice' ?

The baby is 1. It is not "clingy". It is a baby. Babies grow into more confident children if their needs are met. And in that environment, the child will be looking for reassurance. Also, given the dad is drunk, handing your baby to a drunk person is a terrible idea.

Babies grow into more confident children if their needs are met

So you should carry around your baby at all times to your own detriment just because you cant bear to say no/put them down. Fantastic advice. I am sure it does result in confident children, children that are confident they can get their own way all the time because they know they can play their parent like a fiddle.

Also, given the dad is drunk, handing your baby to a drunk person is a terrible idea

Funnily enough I was not advising the OP to give the baby to a paralytic drunk. I was assuming the he is not drunk 24/7 which you have for some reason decided to make a fact.

Does it matter whether or not DC2 is a velcro baby when OP is poised to return to work a four day week and is currently skivvying at home while her H acts like a 3rd infant? He has for reasons best known to himself gone on the warpath with the exception of ironing one child's school uniform and gardening...?

Not sure why anyone thinks that all it takes is for the OP to talk nicely and explain how his behaviour upsets her, I imagine he knows exactly how Billy Idle and unsupportive he's been.

Maybe when you are back at work he will miraculously 'forgive' you for being on ML Madcat and rejoin the parenting game. I certainly wouldn't wait another six months to see if he deigns to stop being an arse.

I must say, mine have worked a treat. Now he is great. But don't let them slip back into lazy habits.

At this thread! The title "anyone else pissed off at having to do it all" does not say my marriage is over and I want to leave.
This poor lady wants some sympathy/empathy at her situation and some practical tips for negotiating a better division of chores. Instead she has been told to LTB!
Good luck Op. I suspect things will adjust as you go back to work - they will have to. I second the advice about stopping doing certain things. They will cope themselves or it didn't really matter in the first place. A cleaner is a great idea. A non-confrontational "in the cold light of day" conversation with your DH is also in order. It sounds like communicating about this when you are at crisis point is being counterproductive.
On a final note, men are wired differently to women. They just don't see what needs to be done. I find a very direct approach works!

That's a shockingly low opinion of men Hugh. The men I know, father, partner, colleagues etc seem perfectly capable of respecting their partners (rather than treating them like skivvies) and ensuring that their children have clean and tidy homes.

In defence of men, some do work extremely hard and have to do everythingThink of all the work Gareth Bale had to do at Tottenham Hotspur a couple of seasons ago as their only good player

Bet Gareth pulled his weight at home too though!!

What kind of person won't even clean their own shitstains from the loo???

I haven't read previous posts, but the first thing that comes to my mind is how many of us women find ourselves in the same situation, or a variation of it, after getting married and having children. You just want advise all young girls in the world "Don't do it!!", sometimes.

Whether we work outside the house or not, we end up doing all the nitty gritty stuff around the house, and child care related jobs.

I don't have any definite answers, as I see it over and over again. I still don't think it is any easier for SATH mums either, as the pressure can be badly felt if you're dependent financially on your DH, plus not building up on your working experience is a tough sacrifice too.

In my particular case, things have improved since the children are a bit older as many men seem to enjoy more older children, and they get more involved in their activities when the children are older. But I have to ask and have argued a lot over the years, and I'm tired of the arguments too. But I do argue, because if I don't, the anger stays inside and can come in other unpredictable ways.

My humble advice would be to try to keep talking to your husband, until what you're asking settles in and he begins to understand a bit where you are coming from.

Also, be very specific about your requests, e.g "I want you to pick up your clothes when you finish with the toilet", rather than asking for help generally: e.g "I want to you to help more around the house".

Cannot he do the shopping himself? In my house, one of my DH's regular duties is to do a big shopping on Saturday, and then I buy bits and pieces as we go along through the week. He seems to enjoy going grocery shopping too, which helps.