Is anyone else totally pissed off with doing everything?

[Madcat22]

I'm on mat leave with DC2; going back to work next week. Perhaps in anticipation of this I'm festering on doing bloody everything- DH is turning into a 1950s man who sits around and expects me to wait on him. I do all the childcare, shopping, washing, tidying, arranging etc etc. He does the gardening because it's a hobby and irons our son's school clothes because I don't do it well enough but that's about it. I will be working full time compressed into four days and will still do everything. He also criticises me for not doing things well enough. If I react to this I'm told not to get hysterical - literally- or "let's not make a fuss". At weekends I run around after the kids and doing chores while he gets drunk then he gets really antagonistic and belittling, mocking me for getting stressed about doing everything one handed (DC2 still wants to be held all the time). I even pick up his dirty clothes from the floor and clean the loo after he's messed it up. He's not a 14 year old boy. I have no family to help and if I raise this with him (tried before) it will make things even worse - he either has a go at me, sulks for many weeks or deliberately does even less just to prove a point. I'm getting really resentful.

Well he must have hidden virtues cos so far he seems like a prime booby prize.

He controls the whole tone of the relationship.

But, whatever floats your boat. Not sure why you posted, tbh. You aren't even going to talk to him about it unless its "the right time".

He's not a great dad, he's a drunken bully who is teaching your children that a woman's place is on her knees.

I have never been convinced by the argument that children are happier when their parents are happy.

Interesting thought. What's more important to a child's happiness then?

the kids need their dad.

What, one like him? Really?

Yes we do...

But that study doesn't say, "children are better off with a shit father than no father at all"

Explored, that study you linked was commissioned by Addaction, who have many articles and studies very clearly saying that a child growing up witnessing alcohol misuse by a parent in the home is a massive risk factor for effecting outcomes.

Here is a more recent article that links bad outcomes to poverty, and not lone parenting.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/jul/19/children-little-affected-by-lone-parenthood

Exactly, Vivacia, those studies compare children with divorced parents with children whose parents stay together. Many of those who stay together do so because they have a happy marriage, so their children are of course going to be happier. Those studies do not tell you whether it's good to stay in a loveless marriage: they tell you that it's good to stay in a loving marriage.

Explored You have clearly never had the displeasure of growing up with two parents who have an extremely unhappy marriage who stayed together 'for the sake of the kids.'

I actually resented my mum for quite some time for staying with my deadbeat bully of a dad because she was under social pressure from idiots like you to try to make it work. The day she finally asked him to go was one of the best days ever and my siblings and I grew up in a far healthier, loving family after that, albeit single parent one.

Well OP after your second post I'm not convinced that you will ever be able to approach him with the result being positive for yourself.

Just please know that you are in total control of how someone treats you - that is you could put a stop to it all when you chose to. If this situation continues then that is because you are letting it do so through a fear that your husband will enforce some abusive behaviour upon you.

Similarly don't be surprised when your own DC grow up with a similar attitude to the one your dh has. That is harsh but we all learn our stuff from somewhere with a lot of it being what goes on I. Our home in the younger years.

Good luck op.

From 31 January 2005, Section 120 of the Adoption and Children Act 2002 came into force, which extends the legal definition of harming children to include harm suffered by seeing or hearing ill treatment of others, especially in the home. (Women's Aid)

So the law also recognises the damage to children in being forced to witness abusive and damaging relationships, Explored.

I didn't say that either Vivacia, I said, on average, outcomes are better for children who grow up living with their father.

Of course there are articles supporting both sides and I am absolutely not saying OP should stay regardless. What I'm saying is that it's ridiculous to assert that her children would be better off if she left, based on one paragraph she wrote in her OP. How can anyone here be I a position to give that advice?

This is a man who can sulk for "many weeks" just to ensure he gets his own way. He doesn't need a wife or an equal partner, he needs an indentured servant to boss around with his sulking and drunken abuse.

OP he sounds awful. Do you even like him? Are you still having sex with him?

I honestly couldn't open my legs for a 'man' like that. Everything you've written about him makes him sound absolutely revolting.

He's not violent folks, and he never shouts. Is very calm but says nasty things sometimes (calmly). Realise that's still not great, but just wanted to clarify.

I said, on average, outcomes are better for children who grow up living with their father.

But on average a human has half a penis and 1-and-a-bit hands.

He doesn't need to be violent, you do everything any way, and never seem to ask him to do anything because you are already afraid of his reaction.

It's a lot worse than not great.

He does not have to hit you to hurt you. He can control you just by his very tone of voice.

yet you feel shut down and unheard and you avoid saying certain things or expressing yourself so as not to "upset" him.

Why?

For comparisons sake, I must ask dh to do things like bring in the washing etc about 5 times/day. And that's with me being a full-time sahm and him working long hours. It's called getting on with normal day-to-day family life, not being controlling.

How dare he speak to you like that in front of your children? You say they need a dad but what lessons are they learning here?

I have a job much like your H, but I still contribute to the family, because I care about them and it's only right that I do my share when I'm there.

His job is not an excuse for being so disrespectful.

At weekends I run around after the kids and doing chores while he gets drunk then he gets really antagonistic and belittling, mocking me for getting stressed about doing everything one handed (DC2 still wants to be held all the time)

Put the baby down and let it cry, you simply cannot do everything one handed, you are going to end up with a clingy child.

If you don't want to just put him/her down, give them to 'D'H if he is just sat there watching you?

Family life with small children is difficult. Many couples have a lot of problems in this period. My own memories of life before DC2 turned 2 are very fuzzy, it was very difficult on ALL levels. I do remember that I kept saying to myself that it is a cliché and defeatist to split up before the youngest child turns 2. My DH also drank far too much and I did far too much house work. It has changed (DCs now 7 and 9), but it was not easy and it is far from perfect. I still wonder sometimes why I bother, even though DH has improved and DCs seem normal and happy.

OP, I do feel for you, and I wish you all the best. It's not on the way things are for you right now, but both of you are obviously under a lot of pressure. I hope that you and your DH can work it out. As preparation, I think getting advice and venting here on MN could work very well for you.

How sad, how many women find this kind of relationship in any way acceptable, and their children grow up watching this, one parent slaving around and being belittled and mocked whilst the other spends spare time getting drunk.

There has been recent research that found children prefer to be in complete families even if those families are unhappy than with a single parent.
This may not be comfortable reading, but there is evidence out there which shows this.
Most children would rather their parents stayed together under almost any circumstances- except obviously severe physical and perhaps emotional abuse.

Breaking up a family should be the final step after counselling and all options have been tried. It's irrelevant to say who ought to seek this-and who is to blame for the situation. what is vital is to find a resolution.

where pinkfrocks? I would be interested to read this research.