Is anyone else totally pissed off with doing everything?

[Madcat22]

I'm on mat leave with DC2; going back to work next week. Perhaps in anticipation of this I'm festering on doing bloody everything- DH is turning into a 1950s man who sits around and expects me to wait on him. I do all the childcare, shopping, washing, tidying, arranging etc etc. He does the gardening because it's a hobby and irons our son's school clothes because I don't do it well enough but that's about it. I will be working full time compressed into four days and will still do everything. He also criticises me for not doing things well enough. If I react to this I'm told not to get hysterical - literally- or "let's not make a fuss". At weekends I run around after the kids and doing chores while he gets drunk then he gets really antagonistic and belittling, mocking me for getting stressed about doing everything one handed (DC2 still wants to be held all the time). I even pick up his dirty clothes from the floor and clean the loo after he's messed it up. He's not a 14 year old boy. I have no family to help and if I raise this with him (tried before) it will make things even worse - he either has a go at me, sulks for many weeks or deliberately does even less just to prove a point. I'm getting really resentful.

Everything he does is to undermine you or keep you on your toes.

Most children would rather their parents stayed together under almost any circumstances- except obviously severe physical and perhaps emotional abuse.
but they don't know another kind of life's possible, do they?

There are lots of women who prefer to stay with an abusive partner than to leave him. People are afraid of the unknown.

There has been recent research that found children prefer to be in complete families even if those families are unhappy than with a single parent.

It is uncomfortable reading, but it also prompts the question as to whether children are in the best position to judge. Nearly all children would rather stay with their parent, even if that parent is a drug addict who neglects them and prostitutes them out. I've never worked with one such child who says, "you know, I love my mum but she's not in a position to care for me properly, please take me away from my home and put me in care".

research may well find "children would prefer their parents stayed together" but that doesn't mean it is the best outcome for those children. Children are not equipped to make decisions like that.

My DC, if asked, would say they would love for us all to live with XP again. But I know, and I can see in how they are, that they are happier and their lives are better by us being separated.

Totally anecdotal and I have no idea if there are any studies on it, but I've met lots of people whose parents divorced when they were children, like mine, and I can't remember one saying they wished their parents had stayed together. I didn't have a great time alone with my mother, but I can't ever remember wishing she would go back to my dad. And once she remarried, I did grow up in a family. That was a very nice thing.

Speaking from my experience, I have been a single parent for 7 years. When I was in a relationship with a useless man I did everything. I still do everything. But now there is a lot less to do and home life is 100% more pleasant for me and DD. Resentment is a horrible emotion to carry around day after day.

My parents stayed together and they shouldn't have. I grew up wishing they would split up so I could just live with my mum.

So it's just emotional abuse then op.

You do know that's not ok don't you? You do also know you deserve better? You deserve respect and he is not giving it to you.

I almost married a man like this. Every time I read a thread like this I feel two things: relief for me and sadness for the op.

How on earth can he be a great dad if he's drunk and emotionally abusive all weekend?

I'm sorry but I think you are in a little bit of denial how awful he is.

By all means, try to talk to him about coming up with a new plan for when you go back to work. But don't think you just have to suck it up if (when) he refuses to do anything.

Without finding the actual research evidence, I don't have the time now, the research wasn't based on asking 6yr olds- it was looking retrospectively at how children felt about their parents splitting up.
It's far too simplistic to say 'oh children can't judge'. They weren't asking toddlers or even slightly children what they wanted- this was based on asking much older children and even adults on what they'd have wanted.
The majority of posters here seem to be single parents- either by choice or not- so it's not exactly an unbiased forum much of the time.

You must see pinfrocks that this type of article/research mostly just makes women who've had to leave horrible partners feel terrible, and holds others back from taking action? I see divorce as similar to a health condition, If you have to get through it, you have to muster everything you can to minimise the negative consequences but not dealing with a problem isn't a solution. I don't have one divorced friend who didn't go into it with much agonising.

My "simplistic" comment was based entirely on your description of this study, indicating that it was what "children" wanted, not what adults might have wanted in retrospect. To be honest we can't really discuss your article without much idea of how the study was carried out, etc.

I had the same opinions about my parents' divorce, and divorce in genral, my whole life, btw - before even marrying!

As a child I was desperate for my parents to split up. They did not because my mum couldn't deal with supporting herself (and me). Parents who stay together and effectively live in a war zone damage their children massively.

< holds hand up as child of fucked-up marriage---> fucked-up adult >

It's very hard to acknowledge that your life would be easier if you weren't with your husband.

There's a lot of criticism bandied about towards women who leave a man who makes their life harder, as though decade after decade of a hard life was some admirable choice.

OP, I hope that you can at least believe that you're entitled to live a life where you're not obliged to 'carry' another adult.

Life with two children and a job is hard enough (I know that!). I definitely couldn't cook, clean, launder etc, shop & tidy up after a lazy adult. That would make me crazy .

My mother was always threatening to leave my family, wall out and 'have a better life without you shits'. My sibling and I always wished she would.

Many decades on, my mother can't understand why my sibling and I loved my (now dead) father so much, but not her.

We'd have been happier with just him.

lol at research kids would prefer their miserable parents to stay together. The same style of questioning might also prove that children would rather eat burgers and chips every night of the week and stay up til 11.

My Dh used to be like this - particularly when I was full time at home. I found the following helped:

1. Putting everything that belongs to him that he leaves lying around in a black bin liner. Give him 2 days for him to clear it and put it away. Tell him that if after 2 days, it hasn't been removed it will go in the bin. Stick to it! People should be responsible for their own shit.
2. Together, draw up a list of jobs you would like him to do to ensure that the division of labour is fair. If, at the end of the week, his items are not done ask him whether he is having trouble fulfilling his side of the bargain. If it continues after 2 weeks, hire someone to do it.
3. Or, if his list of jobs aren't done. Say 'don't worry I'll do them instead of making tea'. Proceed to do them, sit down afterwards and don't move all night. Tell him you are knackered. When hunger starts to strike, he will realise he will need to get off his arse and pull his weight. This worked extremely well with mine.
4. Doing absolutely jack all, except those things I wanted to do. Then I didn't get resentful. Its amazing how much other people will do when you are not doing it for them. Seriously, just leave it. They will soon catch on that they need to pull their finger out.
5. Threaten him with divorce - follow through if necessary.

Mine is a bit like 'don't nag me'. I got a cleaner and it 'fixed' a lot. I found the conversations boring. It was worth twenty quid. Consider ironer too!

That is such a depressing post to read TeeBee.

I think number three on teebee's list is good. No conversation required.

I think for someone determined to do themselves down by staying in such a shitty relationship, TeeBee's advice is good.

OP what has happened in your life that you think this is OK (ish) and he is a good dad? Neither are true.

When research asks children what kind of family they'd like, I suspect what they say is 'parents together' when what they mean is 'parents together without the rows, the sulks, the nit-picking, the drunkenness, the crying .....'

I read the article to the Guardian that Explored linked to earlier, an d it is clearly about ABSENT fathers, these are presumably the ones who do not make contact with their children once divorced. And that is the fault of the absent father not the person who found him impossible to live with.
It is possible to be a divorced husband and a parent to your children.

My DH parted from his first wife when the kids were very young and managed to be an active part of their lives and both kids are secure, happy and now they are grown up with excellent jobs and happy partnerships.
DH and his first wife would have been very miserable if they had stayed together and good for her she chucked him out. And they both lived happily apart.