Why would a man do this?

[AmeliaPondsBaby]

I am struggling a bit with moving on with the end of an LTR and wanted to know if anyone can answer me the big "why" over my ex's bizarre behavior so I can try and make peace with it.

Can anyone tell me why would a person would possibly behave like this.

He was not a looker but he was a fantastic boyfriend. Kind, sweet, devoted, loving, attentive, supportive and basically everything I ever wished for and more.

He asked me to move in with him and became the most amazing stepfather to my DCs - kind to them, volunteering for bedtime stories and all that and replacing their own father who sadly disappeared when they were babies. DCs absolutely love him.

He spent years with me in a very happy life where I would have rated the relationship as 10 out of 10 on the happiness scale and he was quite vocal in expressing that he felt the same. He proposed publicly at his parents house with a tearful affirmation of how I made him the happiest he had ever been and he wanted to grow old with me.

Never once did he voice any unhappiness, any dis-satisfaction, any issues at all with me. Nor did he infer them through a reduction of affection or attention. In fact all the way through everything he said or did confirmed the opposite.

Then, very suddenly, out of nowhere, he announced randomly and without any emotion that he'd decided he didn't love me any more and proceeded to turn into the most evil, hideous bastard on the face of the planet.

He moved out and within a week joined every dating site known to man, and while there wasn't another woman he certainly went to great effort to find one and rubbed it in my face.

To make it even worse he started a smear campaign of lies - telling people around us (who were as shocked as I was) that behind closed doors that I was "crazy" and horrible to live with and tearfully told them how he had endured it for so long because of my DCs and he was so convincing that he actually ending up with people feeling sorry for him instead of me!

It was like he wanted to inflict the maximum possible pain and suferring onto me that he could inflict. He seemed angry, viscous, nasty and generally...just evil.

This happened to me a few months ago, and I just really want to find some understanding of how a person can behave like this or why they would want to.

I know people can "fall out of love" and hide it with ease if they choose to - although I do struggle with quite how convincing he was, but what I can't fathom is the cruelty and abuse towards someone who has never done anything wrong to deserve it...are some people capable of pretending to be lovely and then turning incredibly evil? Are they capable of pretending for years?

He has no history of behavior like this. For a long time I thought he had a brain tumour. His behavior since doing this has been very odd.

He started to drink very heavily, seems to not sleep very much, spends all his time on filthy chat sites or playing video games, he tells lies that are quite magnificent, is extremely manipulative and cruel.

I can't really begin to explain how much this is the opposite of the person I lived with for several years. I can't say I ever saw him be even the slightest bit nasty to anyone before.

Hey all

Taking a break from work to chip in again.

Firstly, I have to say formally that no one can, or should, offer a diagnosis online, and this is not what I was doing. Please be extremely wary of anyone online who says they can offer a medical diagnosis.

Ethics part over - Amelia, you have been incredibly brave this morning.

From my perspective, while it is enormously difficult for you, I would try and give the mum and the GP the materials from Headway. Please also describe your concerns and your conversation with Headway to both of them.

Earlier in the thread we discussed this absolutely is not Amelia's responsibility, but as the closest person to this she is a prime position to help this man, and offer a deeper perspective. However, as many posters have commented Amelia should be putting herself first in all of this, and getting as much personal support as she can.

Speaking from the 'front line' of head injury, I have read staggering numbers of case histories that spend years and decades to get diagnosed. It starts with irrational behaviour, someone is put on anti-depressants. Maybe a person's marriage breaks down, they lose their job, they are made homeless. They fall into crime, steal or attack someone, end up in prison. Or they end up in abusive relationships, or in and out of hospital. It can be years down the line, and a lot of heartache for families, before someone says 'this all started after x hit their head'.

This man is already potentially showing sexual inhibition that, if escalated, could land him with a sexual offence for harassment or abuse.

Please do everything you can to rule out brain injury. I know this is enormously traumatic, but an answer means better treatment. Anti-depressants can either mask or excerbate problems - the GP must know this information to rule this out.

Amelia - you are courageous, strong, kind-hearted and a very loving person. You are an inspiration to all of us.

While in general I don't advise ever showing other family members (or in this case, ex MIL) any threads on here, I do think it would be potentially useful to C&P parts of Saxtonier's posts for your MIL so she can understand why you are suggesting head injury as a cause, and why it's so important that this be mentioned to the GP as part of the big picture. Your ex MIL sounds like she wants the best for her son, so it would be foolish of her to discount this possibility just out of spite for you, Amelia and I hope she can be made to see that.

Thanks Sax :) I will go via the Mum first and if she doesn't listen direct to the GP. I have been reading and realign all day and have found 50 websites or so and it really is like reading what is happening here. Along with the leaflets, yes, I hope she will listen. All I am asking is for them to get a referral to rule it out. Not a big ask.

Good luck, I have a feeling family dynamics are going to make this very very tricky.

Which would a mother rather believe, that her son was distraught and suffering terribly from a messy breakup, or that he is brain damaged and some of him may be lost forever?

I think you're going to have to be very strong and put aside the need to clear your name through everyone seeing the truth of what's happened to him. I don't think you're going to get this, however bloody unfair it is :(

I'd be fighting tooth and nail for it myself, and would be devastated that the people who I thought loved and/or respected me, so easily turned against me. It's shit, it truly is, but with the wisdom of distance from the situation, I think you are going to cause yourself more pain, more heart break by pursuing this in the hopes that reality is going to snap back into place.

I wish I could say otherwise, I really do

Whatever happens with his diagnosis and progress, I hope that you will feel a little more at peace knowing it isn't you going mad, it isn't your past that needs rewriting, and you are not the bad guy in any of this... You are a lovely, kind and strong human being, who has had something horrible happen to you.

Please take really good care of yourself, and give as much effort, time and thoughtfulness to yourself, as well as your ex. You need it x

Hi OP, I've been thinking about you. Is there any update?

My story with my ex sounds very similar, even down to the extreme weight loss. There was no brain tumour or illness, just massive stress at handling the cognitive dissonance that came with reconciling "I'm a good guy" with "I want to fuck OW".

Sorry not really. I have all the leaflets from Headway and have made a timeline etc. I am just struggling with finding the balls to send it. Everyone hates the messenger of bad news and I've already been hated for no bloody reason.

Can you send/give this stuff directly to the GP? He/she has no emotional involvement. As you have already said, your MIL, quite understandable, does not want a diagnosis of brain damage for her son.

Yes, I know this is the option. For now, I'm going to pop it in the post to his Mum, leave it two weeks. If she doesn't contact me, I'm going to go and see the GP. I really hate being put in this position!

Amelia, I say this with kindness: it sounds to me like you have a lot of hopes pinned on a diagnosis explaining your ex's behaviour. It might be due to a brain injury but as people have said, his symptoms could equally be due to something else: drugs, an OW, or not being able to live a lie any more. (Look up Jean-Claude Romand for a scary tale of how people can live a double life for decades). As has been said, a couple of things in your OP make me pause for thought - the complete lack of arguments, the public proposal.

Just adding my two cents: your best strategy is to disengage.

I do know all that. I know it might just be that he's a complete bastard and I never knew it.

It might sound like I am "hoping", but really all I am "hoping" for is to rule out a medical reason so I am free to work out what I feel.

If he gets diagnosed with a brain injury I have a clear cut answer that explains everything and as I said, from the start I thought he had a tumour because it was all just so inexplicable. I also want him to get help if that is what's happening because there's a potential here that someone I love is ill. It's

I am no sure how much the "depression / breakdown" might impact a person's behavior but I have never seen a depressed person behave like a total and utter bastard before.

I don't know how to disengage until I have more information.

In my gut, all of this just feels unbelievable. I can't put together any hint that the man had a bad bone in his body no matter how ruthlessly I examine the past.

From experience - again, I'm not an expert; I've just been around some rather odd blocks - "depression/breakdown" doesn't cause this level of apparent personality reversal. People in a stress breakdown frequently go through a phase of dementia-like behaviour: binge drinking; frenzied sex; outpourings of anger; delusions; but it only lasts a few weeks and, crucially, the person knows they're acting out of character. I've seen changes like your ex's in bipolar 'breakdowns' - the condition can, rarely, follow decade-long cycles meaning no-one but a few family members has seen a full cycle (and they often deny having observed a pattern.) More often, I've seen it where there's a really serious substance abuse problem and where there's a probable personality disorder. Close relatives, again, will have seen a pattern but are likely to be enmeshed in the problem themselves. Undiagnosed schizophrenia's another possibility, as are various illnesses that cause hormone disruptions - but I think you'd have noticed other signs before the accident.

I don't know what the cause is, obviously, but you're looking at something more complicated than a stress breakdown.

I'm hoping you will find it in you to give up trying to 'manage' this. You can't! Give your data to the doctor, then make an appointment for YOURSELF and start managing your own emotional well-being.

Hey, I must admit I haven't read all the posts but your story could have been written by me three and a half years ago.

midlifeclubforum.com/index.php?topic=2.0

Have a look at the link. I apologise if it is completely useless and irrelevant to you, but it describes my ex perfectly

I can't actually read it unless I am a member. Can you copy and paste it? Would love to read.

Thanks Garlic x

I'm worried about you Amelia. Please keep posting.

The absolute priority is you. I would suggest just delivering the information to the GP and the mum on the same day. It would be agony for you to sit on this for a few weeks.

Say to the mum you gave the information to the GP because he has been put on antipressants and Headway have told you that antidepressants can affect things. Say the same to the GP. I worry about him being on drugs for weeks, without the GP having considered complications.

Done, dusted. You have then gone out of your way to do everything you can for this man, and have acted bravely and with compassion.

After that, it's all about you. Keep posting on here, work through your grief. Disengage from the mother, especially if she says anything negative. Focus on yourself, you have been through enough.

You have already had many posters on here comment about your sensitivity, compassion, strength and kindness. You should know by now that MNers are NEVER wrong! ;)

Please take these comments on board and trust in your own judgement. You are taking this action because you are a nice person.

Keep posting so we can keep telling you how awesome you are. :)

It's too long to copy and paste. Try midlifeclub.com/ and get onto the forum that way. Find Midlife for Dummies - or Google it.

My ex also had an apparent personality change. My mum was sure he had some sort of stroke. I was SO shocked and bewildered by the change in my previously loving husband. He turned vile/cruel.

He definitely had issues with turning 50 BUT there was lots of underlying personality inadequacies (eg conflict avoidance) which I didn't appreciate throughout our 21 years together. xxx

I was going to suggest the midlifeclub forum too. I "graduated" from it five or six years ago now too. It's predominantly American and attitudes on how to handle the crisis are very different from MN but it's full of stories like yours.

FWIW my ex's stress breakdown led him to become skeletally thin and roll around banging his head on the floor. It was terrifying. And now, with hindsight, I can see the personality flaws that took him there, like nofoolnomore.

I'm posting this because I think it's unlikely that any GP will be able to look at a scan of his head and rule anything in or out a year after the event. I hope I'm wrong for your sake.

I used to work with someone (in a supportive role) who had been brain injured due to a road accident. His marriage had broken up as result of his moods and personality change.

But this was not a sudden change. He received support from local Headway group.

OP many many pages back I picked up on the public proposal and lack of rows- and now someone else has too. I didn't read that as 'normal' behaviour- more behaviour of someone who thought that this was the way to behave, rather than being 'himself'.

I know it would be easier to have a diagnosis of brain injury but it may never come to that.

He could be a jekyll and Hyde.

I'm just struggling a bit with all of it.

I know it's possible this is what it is, but really if it isn't, how much of a twat am I going to look? Psycho ex accusing him of having brain damage? I almost feel like I am being lined up to be hung out to dry here.

Nofoolnomore, he was a major conflict avoider too. Hugely so :( I know Pink. This is all my confusion.

It could be either one.

YOU HAVEN'T GOT TO DIAGNOSE HIM. It doesn't matter if you look barmy to his relatives - you already do.

His drama's begun and is going to play out. This is his drama, his firestorm, the culmination of who knows what events in his life. He's a bomb that's gone off. You were injured by the explosion. This is your issue: your injury.

As you've got information that might be important for another human being's health, I think you have a responsibility to hand that information to their doctor. Your responsibility ends there.

You're trying to control what's happened. It's a very understandable feeling, but it won't work. Dump your data and detach. Get help - not for him; that's his story now. Get help for you.

Btw, does anybody remember a thread by a young woman living in Scotland, whose 'perfect' partner did something very similar? On close examination, it turned out he wasn't so perfect (more that she was so lovely, she overlooked some glaring faults) and I'm pretty sure it turned out he was having an affair after all - along with other things. Iirc, she deleted her thread as it contained too much personal info.

You're right, I know. I think I might just hand it to the doctor and skip his Mum completely. Or maybe to one of his friends. I know one of his friends was quite concerned about him. Is that a better idea? The friend is more neutral.

My ex wasn't perfect, he was sometimes a complete pain and we did argue even though he was very laid back and non-confrontational but he was just, well...the opposite of this and he seemed so happy at home, that's all. Well he said he was and acted like he was.

Before he hardly ever got angry and now he seems angry all the time. Before he was kind to everyone and now he's really mean. Before he was really slow to act and now he's impulsive. Before he was really careful and now he's reckless and does illogical things.

I do think he's either got a quite severe MH problem or something wrong with his brain but I do accept the possibility that none of those things is true and he just had a mid life crisis and decided to fuck off his life. I know it happens.

I want to vomit a bit reading that Midlife for dummies thing though because some of it is exactly what happened :(

why would a person do that?

Not saying it's not to do with his head...but why would people do that? I just don't understand it. Are they evil? If they want to leave you, why don't they just explain nicely that they don't love you and apologise and treat you nicely?

Cognitive dissonance and guilt. They have to do whatever it takes to maintain their self-image as good guys, mainly by majorly rewriting history.