Why would a man do this?

[AmeliaPondsBaby]

I am struggling a bit with moving on with the end of an LTR and wanted to know if anyone can answer me the big "why" over my ex's bizarre behavior so I can try and make peace with it.

Can anyone tell me why would a person would possibly behave like this.

He was not a looker but he was a fantastic boyfriend. Kind, sweet, devoted, loving, attentive, supportive and basically everything I ever wished for and more.

He asked me to move in with him and became the most amazing stepfather to my DCs - kind to them, volunteering for bedtime stories and all that and replacing their own father who sadly disappeared when they were babies. DCs absolutely love him.

He spent years with me in a very happy life where I would have rated the relationship as 10 out of 10 on the happiness scale and he was quite vocal in expressing that he felt the same. He proposed publicly at his parents house with a tearful affirmation of how I made him the happiest he had ever been and he wanted to grow old with me.

Never once did he voice any unhappiness, any dis-satisfaction, any issues at all with me. Nor did he infer them through a reduction of affection or attention. In fact all the way through everything he said or did confirmed the opposite.

Then, very suddenly, out of nowhere, he announced randomly and without any emotion that he'd decided he didn't love me any more and proceeded to turn into the most evil, hideous bastard on the face of the planet.

He moved out and within a week joined every dating site known to man, and while there wasn't another woman he certainly went to great effort to find one and rubbed it in my face.

To make it even worse he started a smear campaign of lies - telling people around us (who were as shocked as I was) that behind closed doors that I was "crazy" and horrible to live with and tearfully told them how he had endured it for so long because of my DCs and he was so convincing that he actually ending up with people feeling sorry for him instead of me!

It was like he wanted to inflict the maximum possible pain and suferring onto me that he could inflict. He seemed angry, viscous, nasty and generally...just evil.

This happened to me a few months ago, and I just really want to find some understanding of how a person can behave like this or why they would want to.

I know people can "fall out of love" and hide it with ease if they choose to - although I do struggle with quite how convincing he was, but what I can't fathom is the cruelty and abuse towards someone who has never done anything wrong to deserve it...are some people capable of pretending to be lovely and then turning incredibly evil? Are they capable of pretending for years?

He has no history of behavior like this. For a long time I thought he had a brain tumour. His behavior since doing this has been very odd.

He started to drink very heavily, seems to not sleep very much, spends all his time on filthy chat sites or playing video games, he tells lies that are quite magnificent, is extremely manipulative and cruel.

I can't really begin to explain how much this is the opposite of the person I lived with for several years. I can't say I ever saw him be even the slightest bit nasty to anyone before.

Sorry they're not his DCs, he's just raised them with me and at the moment he wants no part of their future life :(

I do have to have some contact with him of some sort ref finances and practical issues, but admittedly yes, most contact is initiated by me. I know I need to cease doing that.

She doesn't. The children are not his- her children are her ex's.

Amelia- did you get over the break up with their father properly?

If he also 'disappeared' is this compounding the confusion and despair you feel now?
Did this man come into your life soon after your Dcs father left?

He started to drink very heavily, seems to not sleep very much, spends all his time on filthy chat sites or playing video games, he tells lies that are quite magnificent, is extremely manipulative and cruel.

If this started after he left ( did it?) and you experienced it when/by keeping up the contact then he may be doing these things to hurt you and keep you at a distance.

Your concern- if it's obvious to him- could actually be exacerbating this behaviour as it might be an extreme ( and unkind) way of detaching himself.

I didn't love their Dad the same way Pink. It wasn't a painful breakup. Moe like relief.

Yes, it all started after he left. Never did anything like that before.

so how would you know that it wasn't for 'effect' and a way of distancing you?

You must have made an effort to still be around and discover these things - so being cynical for a bit, who's to know if this wasn't a tactic to repel you? If he is so nice and kind usually, maybe he thought this was a way to make you hate him and run- by exhibiting very dodgy behaviour.

In other words was his behaviour genuine or contrived to confuse and distance you?

worth thinking about.

And presumably to snoop you had to access his phone or computer?

Could be Pink. Yes, I checked his phone, computer, bank statements etc.

Narcissistic Sociopath. They can hide their evil behind a facade of charm for years, go through all the motions of being in a loving relationship and living a happy life with their partner. They can't maintain that, however - eventually the facade will crack and you will see the real man - the character that he always was.

DeeCee's right about that. In some ways, it's even more of a head-fuck than brain damage but, in the end, you're looking at much the same phenomenon. I thought raven gave a succinct explanation of why 'normal' men can suddenly act as if they've got a brain disorder, too! You might simply never know ... :(

Had a really good cry last night and feeling a bit better this morning with some great cuddles from DCs ... I think it's going to be a case of dropping off this envelope and then trying to busy myself with getting on with life. If answers do come I suspect they will be a long time coming. Probably over years instead of days and I'll have to just watch what plays out.

This is excellent, Amelia, congratulations on your progress! The pain and confusion won't just go away like magic, but you are moving towards being your self again. Do be very kind to yourself, and have some more from me :)

I looked up narcissistic sociopath and it's bang on for his behavior the last 3 months but it's also nothing like he was before it...not even subtle underlying signs in any aspect of his life. I'll take on board that people can hide their darker underbelly but it's shocking either way. Yes, Raven's explanation was great too. I have lot of possibilities to work with but as you say Garlic -all of them are a total head-fuck. Before this I had no possibilities and at least now I have a few.

Thank you xxx

Actually I see no harm in letting your truth be that it's a brain injury, as let's face it, something is out of whack in his head, and it makes no difference to your healing in the long run.

There's a very good point! It is a slight importance on choosing to believe the most important relationship i've had was with a stranger.

*improvement

Don't you worry about us vipers, we don't need updates on what happens! We've been advising you to hand over the info, then draw a line under it and concentrate on yourself and your DC from now on. Keep contact to the bare minimum that's required for sorting out the final separation details and start to grieve the loss of your relationship and the man you thought you were with.

It probably would make a difference to you to know what the root cause of the behaviour change is - I know it would to me, because if it was the brain injury then that's just what it is; but if he really is just letting loose his "dark side" then that would shake my feelings about all men in the future too!

I can't believe I'm getting so paranoid, but a friend of mine has just got engaged to someone who appears to be the loveliest bloke in the world - and all I can do is worry my heart out that he's a closet bastard, who's just being all things lovely to trap her! He probably is just lovely, but...

Anyway. Projection isn't really appropriate on this thread so I'll stop twittering on now.

Hope you get all the stuff to the GP today/tomorrow/ASAP - the sooner you do it, the sooner you can draw your line and walk away. :)

Apologies for getting it wrong about the DCs above.

That being the case, I do agree with the advice that it might help for you to start to detach from this situation. Give the GP what information that you have, but also be prepared that you may never know the true reason why this has happened and try to make your peace with that as much as you can.

Last year, I think, there was a post here in Relationships from a woman whose life before the break up was nearly perfect. She had a son and her partner was very caring and loving. Then one day he left them. Apparently, as far as I can remember, her son had some health problems and she used to rely on his support all the time. After the break up he did tell her that he could not help her with support any more and that her need for it was suffocating him. He developed a horrible depression and did not want to see her and her son for some time. On one occasion, previously in their relationship, he did leave her like that spontaneously but she did not take it as a warning. To her he was an ideal partner and a great step-father to her son but many mumsnetters pointed out his flaws and could not see why she was that much delusional. I am not in any way saying that you are delusional! But may be your partner has been acting all this time like that man, trying to be a perfect partner but then could not manage (could not act) it anymore. I wish I had a link to that post. I do, however, hope he will agree to have an MRI scan. Brain injuries can lead to personality changes and mental diseases.

Any chance he is using meth?

Never thought of the drug issue; something to investigate.
In my experience few drug users exhibit the obvious signs, but if they are eating well etc this can mask a lot of problems.
My best friends brother was very, very obese, yet he died from a heroin overdose.
He had a successful business and was the last person I thought to take drugs. He didn't smoke and drank only at the weekends .
There is no " classic" druggy.

I dropped in those papers into the GPs with a note saying I had some concerns. I didn't elaborate on it but provided details of the injury and photos of it along with a list of odd behavior.

Sorry I'm not replying to all the suggestions. I am taking them all in and weighing in my mind and there's a few plausible suggestions aside from the head injury.

Well done, Amelia :) I hope this weekend comes with opportunities to take stock & chill out.

That's great. I think you've done as much as you can. Make sure you protect yourself too here.

Well done. God it's hard isn't it?

I've never written this sentence before and cant see why i ever would again, but, I really hope he has brain damage, sorry. Sounds crass. But I hope he does, or at least that you hear they're investigating the possibility. It would be the easiest way to mourn your loss and heal you.

But I agree with you when you said this isn't a quick update tomorrow kinda thing. You may never find out for sure either way.

Whatever happens you need to focus all your energy and strength on healing you, and your children. You are very important, and also very very loving, so turn that love and care and nurturing on yourself for a while.... X

Yes, it is hard to accept that he's used every excuse in the book to lie, deceive and calculate things but he has. Get angry, get very angry and kick him out.

So glad you've done it now, Amelia - time to draw that line underneath it, grieve and move on.

As you've realised, you may never know the truth of it, but you have to just let it go now - you've done the best you can for him, in memory of the man you loved, but that's it now. No more.

(((hugs))) and you can free up your time and energy now to focus on taking you and your children forward without him. xx

Thanks all. Really feeling very low today. I hate the weekends anyway because it's family time and he's missing.

I think reading a lot of this stuff got me all riled up with anger, but truth be known, I just know this isn't him. I just know it in my gut. I know every bone in that man's body and this is not him.

I feel like it would be impossible for him to see anyone suferring and not step in. Much less me. Much less allow himself to be the cause of it. In all the years I have known him I've never seen him allow another human being to suffer knowingly. Even people he barely knew. He would always have wanted to step in and help. Taking in waifs and strays and such a selfless, kind nature.

I do really believe he has a TBI. I really just do.

I joined a support group for TBI and got a flood of messages from people who said that what happened to him is what happened to them too. Also a flood of messages from spouses who have been where I am. It's so sad though because it sounds like it's pretty long term if not permanent.

I know it's not my decision and I could not change it, but I don't know how he will get better without me to be there for him. I feel bereaved, yet he's still existing and probably suffering and I can't do anything. I can't stand the thought of him suferring!

I am getting on with it but the reality is hitting me that this is really my life now. I couldn't have imagined in a million years and scenario where I would find myself in this position.

I had a lovely day with the kids today and smiled a lot, but the massive hole in my life where he used to be is just so gaping.