Why would a man do this?

[AmeliaPondsBaby]

I am struggling a bit with moving on with the end of an LTR and wanted to know if anyone can answer me the big "why" over my ex's bizarre behavior so I can try and make peace with it.

Can anyone tell me why would a person would possibly behave like this.

He was not a looker but he was a fantastic boyfriend. Kind, sweet, devoted, loving, attentive, supportive and basically everything I ever wished for and more.

He asked me to move in with him and became the most amazing stepfather to my DCs - kind to them, volunteering for bedtime stories and all that and replacing their own father who sadly disappeared when they were babies. DCs absolutely love him.

He spent years with me in a very happy life where I would have rated the relationship as 10 out of 10 on the happiness scale and he was quite vocal in expressing that he felt the same. He proposed publicly at his parents house with a tearful affirmation of how I made him the happiest he had ever been and he wanted to grow old with me.

Never once did he voice any unhappiness, any dis-satisfaction, any issues at all with me. Nor did he infer them through a reduction of affection or attention. In fact all the way through everything he said or did confirmed the opposite.

Then, very suddenly, out of nowhere, he announced randomly and without any emotion that he'd decided he didn't love me any more and proceeded to turn into the most evil, hideous bastard on the face of the planet.

He moved out and within a week joined every dating site known to man, and while there wasn't another woman he certainly went to great effort to find one and rubbed it in my face.

To make it even worse he started a smear campaign of lies - telling people around us (who were as shocked as I was) that behind closed doors that I was "crazy" and horrible to live with and tearfully told them how he had endured it for so long because of my DCs and he was so convincing that he actually ending up with people feeling sorry for him instead of me!

It was like he wanted to inflict the maximum possible pain and suferring onto me that he could inflict. He seemed angry, viscous, nasty and generally...just evil.

This happened to me a few months ago, and I just really want to find some understanding of how a person can behave like this or why they would want to.

I know people can "fall out of love" and hide it with ease if they choose to - although I do struggle with quite how convincing he was, but what I can't fathom is the cruelty and abuse towards someone who has never done anything wrong to deserve it...are some people capable of pretending to be lovely and then turning incredibly evil? Are they capable of pretending for years?

He has no history of behavior like this. For a long time I thought he had a brain tumour. His behavior since doing this has been very odd.

He started to drink very heavily, seems to not sleep very much, spends all his time on filthy chat sites or playing video games, he tells lies that are quite magnificent, is extremely manipulative and cruel.

I can't really begin to explain how much this is the opposite of the person I lived with for several years. I can't say I ever saw him be even the slightest bit nasty to anyone before.

That's evil though.

I agree with GarlicSeptimus - I know how hard it is, but you really need to put all your attention back on yourself. You can't control this.

I disagree with giving the information to the friend, as they will not have the level of access to the GP or your ex. If you want to avoid the mum, then just give the information to the doctor. Can you do this tomorrow?

You are worrying too much about what others think. I know it is hard, but try and say 'f* them' and concentrate on the fact that you know you are imparting the information from a moral and well-intentioned standpoint. I mean this in a very nice way, but you are worrying too much about what others think about you. The only thing that matters is what you think of you!

Give the info to the doctor and then refocus on you. What do you want? How can you get help? How can you make your life better (short-term, mid-term and long-term)?

Things will get better (giving you a bunch of flowers).

yes, I can do that tomorrow if you think it's the best thing to do. I've lost track of what I think. I just keep swinging back and forth

I think you have to learn to relinquish control a bit - over other people.

Relationships end and they all end differently. His behaviour was terrible but his behaviour before his 'change' didn't seem sincere either from what you posted- it seemed too good to be true, in fact. Which makes me think he wasn't showing the real him for many years.

Don't involve his friend- you can't rely on someone else to carry the can here. Drop off the letter at his GP and leave it at that.

He's not a 'project' to be sorted by you. Your aim now is to start putting all of this in the past and moving on, not looking for the 'why's in it forever.

I'm struggling with the idea that someone can pretend to be someone else for that long Pink. And yes, he was great, but more that we were great together. He wasn't too good to be true...he was a normal man with as many flaws as the rest of us but he was just great to me / with me and I'm sure a lot of people really love and admire and trust their DPs and I'd not want to think that means that person is fake. I was lovely to him too...hardly ever fought with him, hardly ever got annoyed at him, always supported him but that wasn't being fake, it was because I'm a generally easygoing person and I really loved him and thought the world of him.

He's not a project...he's the man I love...the only Dad my kids have ever had and it's not as simple as moving on just like that.

I know relationships end, but this is a pretty abnormal way for that to happen, and I know that sometimes happens too but it's not that easy to accept and move on when it's happening to you. I wish it was.

Darling, your dismay really comes through in your last post. This is grief. You've suffered a bereavement. It is awful - ghastly - can feel as though you're literally in hell :( Everyone here knows it, we're not for one second dismissing the horror.

We are asking you to do the only thing that will work: tear your focus away from "why?" and "how?" and shine your concern upon yourself. Later on, you'll doubtless revisit your story and analyse what happened. But you won't be able to do that until you're once again living your own life, thinking your own thoughts, back in touch with who you are.

He's not a project...he's the man I love...

No. He was the man you loved. That man 'died' several months ago.
I am sorry for your loss, truly.

You're making a project of the man he is now.
That's what will prolong the hurt & keep you trapped in hell.

Grieve.

Garlic that's so sad.

Just deliver the info to his doctor then let it go, it will be so hard but what else can you do?

Awwww Amelia.

I feel so sad reading your posts. Your pain is palpable.

But the reason we are telling you to concentrate on yourself, is because that is the only way out of your pain. And it's the hardest possible time for you to see that right now as you are in the midst of it.

You have to let go of this man, you have to grieve, you have to give up control over anything but yourself, you have to put yourself first. Get yourself back, find out who you are now without him (we evolve all the time). Work on your self esteem, because clearly these events have really knocked it.

You will find resolution and peace from this, whether it turns out he's a bastard, or there is some other reason.

xxx :)

I really do appreciate what everyone is saying and I know it's correct and logical but I'm just sort of paralysed emotionally right now. Thank you though x

It's okay Baby steps, it will take time.

Is there a way you can start doing things on auto pilot to help yourself?

When I was grieving - I know it sounds stupid - but I used Flylady (google it). She's a bit annoying, but it really helped have someone tell me what to do so I didn't have to think. You could use the Friday date nights to do something nice for yourself - nails done, takeaway, go out, long bath.

And the blog Baggage reclaim is also really good.

I am actually quite a tough and scrappy little bugger and I have been being practical. Exercising every day, eating right, going out of my way to see friends and organise fun things but it's going to take a very, very, very long time for me to grieve this because I loved this person a lot and we had a home / family situation and I had no time to prepare for this. Last thing in the world I ever thought could ever happen.

I really do appreciate all of you...such lovely people.

Me and probably many other lurkers out there are wanting to give you a big hug right now x

Amelia - I have to agree with sax again - do just give the information to the GP because she (he? can't remember) is the one who needs to know if there is a possibility of brain damage for prescribing/all round medical picture purposes. His mother isn't the one who needs it, the GP is.

So just hand it over and then as others have said, step away, disengage. You've done the best you could for the man you loved, now say farewell and mourn him because, again as others have said, the man you loved has gone forever. :(

(((hugs))) lovey, and let yourself grieve. x

Thanks tall xxx

Thumb I will just give it to the GP, it makes most sense. Even if I did give it to his Mum chances are she won't do anything with it.

really thank all of you

xxx

"Are they evil? If they want to leave you, why don't they just explain nicely that they don't love you and apologise and treat you nicely?"

They aren't evil, they have a character flaw/weakness which just "gives" in a stressful situation - like others have said, you can see it in retrospect. And the thing about cognitive dissonance is that you don't see it yourself (unless you are looking for it). It's your subconscious that is busy working out the "reasons" why you now hate your ex. In fact, you don't start out hating her; you just want to go out and do stuff she wouldn't want you doing. Then when you find yourself doing that stuff, your brain frantically tries to come up with an explanation for why you are being nasty, and all of a sudden you remember that time that your wife didn't make dinner, and you "realise" that she's been a bitch the whole time, you never loved her, you are a poor wretch that anyone will sympathise with, having put up with her all these years. Your brain comes up with these explanations because anything else would clash with the idea that you are a good person. We all need to feel like we are good people.

My husband even decided that he never wanted to marry me and have kids; I made him do it. Now when I phone up and ask why he's used our joint account to pay for his private credit card debts, he acts as if this is another example of my nasty behaviour, harrassing him. Since I told him last week that I want to have the phone line in my name and not his, as he changed the contract and I was cut off for three days, he's not responding to the phone or emails. He's lost several stone and grown a beard that makes his face look dark and even nastier.

Give in that information to the doctor, as head injury + character change is seriously dodgy, but there are indeed other explanations for the complete turn-around. It's incredible how similar they are, isn't it? Until you're let into this world you don't know anything about it, then it seems that half of men do it.

Op, I'm holding your hand and giving a great big un-mumsnetty hug, coz it is the hardest thing you will ever go through! Soon, you will be ok.

Accepting it is over, well and truly no matter the reasons, is the hardest part. Then you stop fretting yourself of the 'what if's and maybe's' and accept that it's just sometimes what happens. (I am just the other side of it all now, with my own personal t**t.)

I do believe there is a grand design in the works, I'm just not privy to the end result yet. But fearing the unknown and having everything change all at once were the hardest parts for me, not the idea of not having a selfish a*h*e living with me!

OP People don't always end things 'well' though.
Many decades ago my then fiance ended our engagement overnight. He was supposedly in love with me and we had a cupboardful of wedding presents. His way of ending it was not to explain gently or kindly but to stand me up one evening and be uncontactable for some time. His family and friends colluded and wouldn't tell me where he was or 'why'.
In time, I got my explanation - that he wasn't ready to commit - but I went through hell for a long time wondering why there had been no signs of anything going wrong.
It's not the same as your experience but I can empathise with your shock and disbelief, and how you feel.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

I am wondering one thing though. How do you know how he spends his time? You have made a few references to him spending all day on filthy chat sites, porn sites and joining all these datings sites. How have you come about this information if you are no longer together?

Unfortunately you can ask yourself until you are blue in the face what has caused this but the reality is you may never know. My advice would be to distance yourself entirely from this man, at least for the time being.

Oh sorry only the first page loaded on my laptop will read through the thread.

We're not completely estranged, we are in contact and I do see and speak to him so I've been able to snoop a bit. I know that makes me sound mental but I thought there was another woman involved and just wanted to understand.

Thanks all for the shared experiences. I can see there's various possibilities here and none are good ones. Seems to me that pretty much regardless of the "why" here the fact is that he's not coming back.

Had a really good cry last night and feeling a bit better this morning with some great cuddles from DCs. I wish I could give you all feedback on what happens but I think it's going to be a case of dropping off this envelope and then trying to busy myself with getting on with life. If answers do come I suspect they will be a long time coming. Probably over years instead of days and I'll have to just watch what plays out.

Is it you initiating the contact?
when you said you knew about the porn sites etc I assumed you'd seen them while you were living together at the time.

I understand why you went looking for clues- really do- but if you still are then you need to stop.

As everyone is saying you have to try to detach and let it be.

People seem to be forgetting that Amelia has DCs with this man. Whether he is a normally functioning man who has just turned out to be a bit of a bastard or whether he has a brain damage and/or a long-term psychiatric illness is going to make a dramatic difference to his future relationship with their DCs (and whether or not he is even safe to have them on his own). Of course she should certainly be trying to come to terms with the loss of their relationship, but he is still going to continuing being in her and her DCs life so there's a limit to how much she can realistically detach from the situation.