Why would a man do this?

[AmeliaPondsBaby]

I am struggling a bit with moving on with the end of an LTR and wanted to know if anyone can answer me the big "why" over my ex's bizarre behavior so I can try and make peace with it.

Can anyone tell me why would a person would possibly behave like this.

He was not a looker but he was a fantastic boyfriend. Kind, sweet, devoted, loving, attentive, supportive and basically everything I ever wished for and more.

He asked me to move in with him and became the most amazing stepfather to my DCs - kind to them, volunteering for bedtime stories and all that and replacing their own father who sadly disappeared when they were babies. DCs absolutely love him.

He spent years with me in a very happy life where I would have rated the relationship as 10 out of 10 on the happiness scale and he was quite vocal in expressing that he felt the same. He proposed publicly at his parents house with a tearful affirmation of how I made him the happiest he had ever been and he wanted to grow old with me.

Never once did he voice any unhappiness, any dis-satisfaction, any issues at all with me. Nor did he infer them through a reduction of affection or attention. In fact all the way through everything he said or did confirmed the opposite.

Then, very suddenly, out of nowhere, he announced randomly and without any emotion that he'd decided he didn't love me any more and proceeded to turn into the most evil, hideous bastard on the face of the planet.

He moved out and within a week joined every dating site known to man, and while there wasn't another woman he certainly went to great effort to find one and rubbed it in my face.

To make it even worse he started a smear campaign of lies - telling people around us (who were as shocked as I was) that behind closed doors that I was "crazy" and horrible to live with and tearfully told them how he had endured it for so long because of my DCs and he was so convincing that he actually ending up with people feeling sorry for him instead of me!

It was like he wanted to inflict the maximum possible pain and suferring onto me that he could inflict. He seemed angry, viscous, nasty and generally...just evil.

This happened to me a few months ago, and I just really want to find some understanding of how a person can behave like this or why they would want to.

I know people can "fall out of love" and hide it with ease if they choose to - although I do struggle with quite how convincing he was, but what I can't fathom is the cruelty and abuse towards someone who has never done anything wrong to deserve it...are some people capable of pretending to be lovely and then turning incredibly evil? Are they capable of pretending for years?

He has no history of behavior like this. For a long time I thought he had a brain tumour. His behavior since doing this has been very odd.

He started to drink very heavily, seems to not sleep very much, spends all his time on filthy chat sites or playing video games, he tells lies that are quite magnificent, is extremely manipulative and cruel.

I can't really begin to explain how much this is the opposite of the person I lived with for several years. I can't say I ever saw him be even the slightest bit nasty to anyone before.

I really feel for u as this is so confusing. I had a similar experienxe once and nothing hurt like it. He told people i was racist. It was easier than saying "im fickle andim bored and i want out"

It gets easier. The anger overrides the pain and confusion and carries u out of it.

Is he taking steroids? Either illegal or legal.

Pleaae dont turn yourself inside out trying to understand. It comes down to a sudden change if perspective and a total inability to assume responsibility for any pain.

Obviously a more mature person would just feel and say sorry. It's unevolved on his part for sure. But u wobt make him SEE . The more painhe sees u in, the more he will have to demonise u

No, definitely not. He has probably lost around 3 stone in 4 months. Barely eats and would never touch steroids.

I virtually never make excuses for behaviour like this but it does sound highly suspicious of something like a brain tumour, head injury or adverse reaction to drugs or something

Having said that, you cannot condone not try to help him in any way other than advise him to see his doctor

He has removed himself from your influence after all

People can have a sudden and extreme change of perspective without there being an illness.

If being a nice guy is a big part of his identity (maybe the biggest part as he is no looker) then he cant easily let g of that can he?

If you want to help him (which is a different issue than if you want to stay with him) then your best bet is to make notes of his history since the injury, do a bit more research to connect the dots, and approach his mother or any friends that seem as befuddled as you and she are. If you are still married, asking his doctor for advice for what might be related to his injury is also extremely reasonable and may bring about some form of assistance for him.

My ex really doesn't like the idea that he might have done anything nasty at all. When our son said he was angry at what his dad did, my ex answered "What? What did I do?", a comment which did not make our son any better disposed towards him.

My ex's mother had very high moral standards, and he was expected to keep to the same standards of extremely good behaviour, otherwise she would have cried or said she was disappointed. I think this is partly what stopped him from saying anything negative to me, as he had not been taught how to convey negative thoughts (wasn't allowed), and was terrified of being nasty and thus somehow disappointing his mother. This made him an extremely polite, gentle, nice person - outwardly. Inside he was evidently struggling with negative feelings he was unable to express in a healthy way. When his mother died, they came bursting out. She wasn't there to condemn any bad behaviour so he started acting up. But she's still there in his head, making him feel so extremely ashamed that he couldn't cope with it, if he acknowledged it. My theory, anyway.

I know BoldFossil and in some ways he DOES seem perfectly normal.

For example he largely goes to work and does quite a complex and difficult job. He can generally be in social company (he recently attended a wedding) and passes himself off to people as being normal. Or at least those who don't know him well.

On the other hand, his behavior is SO extreme, SO unlike how he was before and SO completely bizarre that I have remained a bit stuck on the assumption there is something deeply wrong with him and can't seem to shake the nagging feeling.

It's very hard to explain but it's a bit chilling talking to him because it's like to good parts of being a human being have been completely extracted. He is also erratic and changeable and aggressive for absolutely no reason.

I have felt sometimes like I am clutching at straws here. I know it seems a bit weird to think "oh he dumped me he must have a brain tumour" and I know it smacks of desperation which is why I am not pressing the issue more but I do think he's got something wrong here.

I called his Mum a few minutes ago and she says she agrees he's not right and has made a doctors appointment for Monday and is going to drag him down there if she has to. I just tried to tell her that regardless of what was happening between us I was not asking her to take sides but to just focus on how unusually he is behaving.

When I read your first post I immediately thought of a brain tumour. I know of a couple of cases where the person has had a sudden and very negative personality change due to a brain tumour. Reading on, it sounds like it could also be brain damage related.

I think you have to walk away from this situation as he isn't going to accept help from you and he is being vile to you, but I would encourage his family and those who he is being nice to to push him to see a doctor as soon as possible.

Raven that description of the mother sounds eerily familiar.

So sorry. this must be awful for you. I agree with others that there must be something that has happened like a brain tumour or trauma, rather than about you or your previous relationship.

Also agree there is probably very little you can do at this time. Getting him to the doctor somehow seems the best.

If you know his GP perhaps you or/and his mother could write to them with your concerns. Not sure what they can do except perhaps call him in for a general health check, or on some other premise.

On the strength of this thread I will make absolutely sure he goes in to see the doctor by whatever means necessary. It's been hard to have the confidence to push for this when he is insistent he is fine, that the problem is that he doesn't love me or want me but I do know irrespective of whether or not that's the case his behavior is abnormal and he might well need some sort of help.

I'd get his mother to write as, to the GP, you might just look like an ex in denial or bitter about the break up. More weight would be given to his mother, I reckon.

Alternatively he might be persuaded to go as a favour to her, or to prove her wrong. But if persuading him to go, I'd do after writing so the GP has some background rather than just what he says himself.

TBH it's a long shot.

What raven says is interesting too. What sort of influence did the person who recently died have on him?

That's exactly it, I'm really scared to mention this to anyone as I do look like the ex who is in denial. it's a tricky place to be because I am really the person closest to him who knows him best (he's a very private person and rarely talks openly to anyone but me) and yet the breakup means I am sort of no longer entitled to an opinion.

The person who died recently was a close relative who he admired and loved very much, but I don't think there is any great mystery to it- other than that he seemed not to grieve at all. Which I found very odd for someone who previously cried and expressed sadness very easily.

I also wondered if my ex had something physically wrong with him, with the extreme character change ("nice guy" to "unprotected sex in sleazy hotel") and weight loss. But he didn't have memory loss or anything; that does sound dodgier (though could be depression/stress-related I guess).

Will his mother actually take him in? If not, how will the doctor get the right impression of how severe the changes have been? He's not going to check for tumours otherwise, is he?

Yes, the issue is that if he goes to the doctor he's hardly going to say "I have turned into an evil bastard" because in his eyes he doesn't have a problem. I don't know whether to tell his Mum all that's been going on. I do have evidence to show the weird stuff he has said and done but producing it seems a bit (again) like the bitter ex trying to win points.

Rock and a hard place :(

That said, I have heard he has been missing work, I do see how skinny he is and on the rare occasion I have been to his flat I've been shocked to find he has not cleaned it, not done laundry, not washed dishes and he appears to be eating about 25% of what he previously eat. He has also apparently taken up smoking pot and he is drinking 2 - 3 bottles of wine a day which is clearly far beyond normal.

All this is uncharacteristic in the extreme.

His Mum does know...

He has lost an extreme amount of weight
He seems generally extremely unhappy
He cries a great deal
He is tired and irritable
He broke off our relationship very suddenly in an unusual way
He is very stressed in general in life

His Mum does NOT know...

He has been verbally abusive to me (if she had heard this she would have died of shock)
He has told lies, extraordinary ones
He has behaved in bizarre ways sexually like masturbating online
He has been trying to buy prostitutes or join sex chat sites
He has been awake most of the night every night for months
He has been laughing at me instead of showing kindness

No doubt she has been given the impression (via him) that he simply fell out of love, that we had problems, that he has handled it like a gentleman. All this could not be further from reality.

In other words really she only knows half a story. If she saw or knew the way he has actually behaved she would be bowled over.

I am not sure how I can actually TELL her without seeming like I am game playing, which is why I haven't.

I am also not sure how anyone can help him without knowing all this stuff has happened.

If your mum is dragging him to the doctor then I think you can couch it in terms of "giving the doctor as full a picture as possible", while also saying that you're sorry if any of it hurts her.

Extreme weight loss is a bit worrying too, as that could also be a symptom of cancer

Not your mum, his mum obvs! Sorry.

Okay, so do you think I should actually tell her things like the stuff he was doing online? I actually have photos :( Which I took because at the time he was telling so many lies and no one believed me. Feels a bit icky. She's an older lady....quite difficult. But he is terrified of her, so if I do have her on side she will definitely be able to push him into getting help if he does need it.

What you're describing sounds a lot like the effects of an injury to the frontal lobes. The timing of this change soon after experiencing a head injury would point in this direction as well. I would definitely encourage his DM to push the GP to refer him for testing for brain injury.

(I'll add that I hope for your and his family's sake that it's not the case, because there is no 'cure' for this kind of brain damage. The man he was may be gone forever.)

:(