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Original poster

Why would a man do this?

277 replies

AmeliaPondsBaby · 20/09/2014 14:45

I am struggling a bit with moving on with the end of an LTR and wanted to know if anyone can answer me the big "why" over my ex's bizarre behavior so I can try and make peace with it.

Can anyone tell me why would a person would possibly behave like this.

He was not a looker but he was a fantastic boyfriend. Kind, sweet, devoted, loving, attentive, supportive and basically everything I ever wished for and more.

He asked me to move in with him and became the most amazing stepfather to my DCs - kind to them, volunteering for bedtime stories and all that and replacing their own father who sadly disappeared when they were babies. DCs absolutely love him.

He spent years with me in a very happy life where I would have rated the relationship as 10 out of 10 on the happiness scale and he was quite vocal in expressing that he felt the same. He proposed publicly at his parents house with a tearful affirmation of how I made him the happiest he had ever been and he wanted to grow old with me.

Never once did he voice any unhappiness, any dis-satisfaction, any issues at all with me. Nor did he infer them through a reduction of affection or attention. In fact all the way through everything he said or did confirmed the opposite.

Then, very suddenly, out of nowhere, he announced randomly and without any emotion that he'd decided he didn't love me any more and proceeded to turn into the most evil, hideous bastard on the face of the planet.

He moved out and within a week joined every dating site known to man, and while there wasn't another woman he certainly went to great effort to find one and rubbed it in my face.

To make it even worse he started a smear campaign of lies - telling people around us (who were as shocked as I was) that behind closed doors that I was "crazy" and horrible to live with and tearfully told them how he had endured it for so long because of my DCs and he was so convincing that he actually ending up with people feeling sorry for him instead of me!

It was like he wanted to inflict the maximum possible pain and suferring onto me that he could inflict. He seemed angry, viscous, nasty and generally...just evil.

This happened to me a few months ago, and I just really want to find some understanding of how a person can behave like this or why they would want to.

I know people can "fall out of love" and hide it with ease if they choose to - although I do struggle with quite how convincing he was, but what I can't fathom is the cruelty and abuse towards someone who has never done anything wrong to deserve it...are some people capable of pretending to be lovely and then turning incredibly evil? Are they capable of pretending for years?

He has no history of behavior like this. For a long time I thought he had a brain tumour. His behavior since doing this has been very odd.

He started to drink very heavily, seems to not sleep very much, spends all his time on filthy chat sites or playing video games, he tells lies that are quite magnificent, is extremely manipulative and cruel.

I can't really begin to explain how much this is the opposite of the person I lived with for several years. I can't say I ever saw him be even the slightest bit nasty to anyone before.

OP posts:
pinkfrocks · 22/09/2014 09:02

It's not your role any more though, love.

The best you can do is bring it to the attention of his relatives- which is what I think you said you'd do- but then leave it at that.

You won't have any impact by informing a Dr because you are not related to him in any way and patient confidentiality is an issue.

Original poster
AmeliaPondsBaby · 22/09/2014 10:10

I spoke to Headway and they were great. They said that his tiredness / irritability / sleep problems since his accident would be indicative of some sort of brain injury and they also said that a trauma like that could often trigger mental health problems so there might be multiple things at play here.

They said brain scans often can't tell what is happening but that if he gets a referral to a neuro psychologist they have tests that can determine if something funny is going on.

They are sending me their leaflets to give to his Mum. He will be in the GPs just now, she did manage to get him to go and she is as concerned as I am although she is putting it down to him being upset over our breakup rather than seeing that more is at play here. I know I need to explain all this, but see what the GP says and I will give her the leaflets when they arrive.

I know that what I have to do is pass over this information to his family and let them handle it, as I know it's technically none of my business in the circumstances.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 22/09/2014 10:30

Confidentiality only goes for the GP talking to Amelia, which obviously he/she can't do. But they can still read the information given by her, since she was with him for 8y until recently.

somedayillbesaturdaynite · 22/09/2014 10:45

pinfrocks OP has already answered the questions you ask in previous posts

ravenmum · 22/09/2014 11:00

I find it very heartwarming that, after him putting you through some awful stuff, you are still prepared to try to help him out, whether it is your role or not. (If it was all caused by the injury, then in a way it kind of still is your role, isn't it - if his leaving you was not even a proper choice of his but a symptom?)

If it turns out not to be about the injury, you still know that you have done the right thing as a human being. That can be something to hold on to when you are feeling misjudged by others.

Momagain1 · 22/09/2014 11:02

Pinkfrocks: do you really wonder why someone whose partner of nearly a decade, who has been deteriorating since an accident about a year ago and only left a few months ago is still concerned and putting forth effort on their behalf? In this short a time you would simply write someone off as no longer your concern? you would give up on them that easily?

ChasedByBees · 22/09/2014 11:05

A really sad post OP. I hope you get the answers you need to help you grieve the loss of your DP. Thanks

DontDrinkAndFacebook · 22/09/2014 11:12

I am stunned and appalled that this man did not get any follow-up care after his head injury. It sounds almost certain that it has left him with some underlying condition and he really needs help asap. If I were you I would try to contact the doctors who saw him at the time, and ask that they call him in for a check up. Or go to see the GP that was presumably the GP for both of you, and tell him? Hopefully they can call him in.

It sounds appalling and I hope you can get someone to take you seriously, as it may not be easy to get him to go to the GP himself, especially if he thinks he hates you, and he is in denial about what is wrong with him.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/09/2014 11:13

OP, have you read about James Cracknell, the rower, who was hit by a passing lorry's wing mirror whilst cycling? He and his wife have done many interviews about his subsequent personality change and the problems it has caused in their relationship.

NannyOggsCat · 22/09/2014 11:15

Flowers for you op! I hope everything works out for you and your ex gets the help he needs. Please don't doubt yourself, you are such a wonderful person to continue to care about someone who has put you through all this. I hope for your sanity and for your ex's sake that he is diagnosed and treated!

Many hugs and hand holds for you, you are so brave!

CheerfulYank · 22/09/2014 11:19

Oh honey, good luck!

My BIL had a head injury which led to massive weight loss, exhaustion, and a a slight personality change. It definitely happens. Poor, poor you. What a shitty situation.

It may not be able to be fixed as such, but I hope you can take some comfort in the fact that if it is a head injury, this isn't really "him" and what you had previously was real. So sorry you're going through this. Thanks

VulvaVoom · 22/09/2014 11:22

I hope the doctor is able to pick up the real reason for the visit and that your ex partner is able to access the help he clearly needs (whether it's MH or a brain injury) I hope it will help you and your children to move on xx

Original poster
AmeliaPondsBaby · 22/09/2014 12:11

Okay, well I got a text from his Mum that said he had been to his GP this morning and that instead of being upset he seemed to be relieved at being coerced into going. She said he broke down in the GPs office so in a way it's good that he is at least admitting some sort of problem because he was adamant prior to this that there wasn't one. He has been diagnosed with depression / anxiety and prescribed anti-depressants and counselling. She feels he has had some sort of breakdown and she says she is going to get him to stay with her for a couple of weeks so he is looked after. I still feel like I am somehow being cast as the villain or the enemy. The tone was a bit "thanks Dear, we have this" like I am an outsider. I suppose if he ha told them he was very unhappy with me she might think his breakdown or depression is my fault. I definitely get that vibe because I'm not being treated as the devoted daughter-in-law here :(

I know him taking the first step is good news, but I have not raised the suggested link between this and the accident as it felt a bit rushed and a bit much to lay out at once and as I said I am not feeling like she trusts me completely. Such a horrible feeling because I've honestly not done anything!

Headway said they are sending me some leaflets, so when they arrive I will give them to her with a timeline of symptoms and hope she takes notice and that's all I can do.

OP posts:
Original poster
AmeliaPondsBaby · 22/09/2014 12:14

That James Cracknell story is eerily familiar :( Just reading now.

OP posts:
Haferflocke · 22/09/2014 12:19

I somehow knew that would happen.
Make an appointment with your gp (you said it's the same) and give her the info you have collected. I suspect otherwise potential brain injury will never be ruled out by investigations.
You can still ask your mil to give him a copy of the headway brochures.

Original poster
AmeliaPondsBaby · 22/09/2014 13:03

She's more likely to want to accept her son has depression brought on by a bad relationship than she is to want to believe he has brain damage so I feel like she's not going to want to listen and this might be a waiting game. I feel like if he stays with her she's going to find it very difficult not to observe how odd he is. It'd be best if I can slowly get her on side than if I try and fight against them or go behind their backs.

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 22/09/2014 13:16

Amelia: I expect you are right in that.

Original poster
AmeliaPondsBaby · 22/09/2014 13:19

He is going to be very resistant to accepting this if it's real. He'll be worried about his job and will not want to entertain any possibility he has a condition that might be long term. He's always been really difficult to get to go to any medical appointment. He once left nail fungus so long he had to be on pills for it for a year. This is his personality and since the past few months that stubborn / avoiding attitude has been much worse. I really need Mum behind me on this one because honestly I don't think he will ever listen.

OP posts:
Thumbwitch · 22/09/2014 13:25

Well I'm still going to agree that you should hand over the info to the GP because if she's going to prescribe ADs then she needs the full set of facts to make sure that she accommodates those in her prescribing. And do it quickly, if you can.

Original poster
AmeliaPondsBaby · 22/09/2014 13:35

Let me try and talk to her first. If she won't listen, then I will do that. I don't want more drama or bad blood because I'm really tired of being the enemy

OP posts:
Ponyinthepool · 22/09/2014 13:54

"He started to drink very heavily, seems to not sleep very much, spends all his time on filthy chat sites or playing video games, he tells lies that are quite magnificent, is extremely manipulative and cruel."

"That said, I have heard he has been missing work, I do see how skinny he is and on the rare occasion I have been to his flat I've been shocked to find he has not cleaned it, not done laundry, not washed dishes and he appears to be eating about 25% of what he previously eat. He has also apparently taken up smoking pot and he is drinking 2 - 3 bottles of wine a day which is clearly far beyond normal."

All of that is textbook behaviour of a cocaine addict.

ravenmum · 22/09/2014 14:00

Wish you good luck trying to convince people that you are on the side of the angels. It does tend to be "guilty until proven innocent", doesn't it? Make sure you are as well read up as you can be on the subject.

Original poster
AmeliaPondsBaby · 22/09/2014 14:17

He's not into cocaine Pony. I know it does sound like that but it would not be possible on many levels. Financially, access wise and also when I was younger I lived with a cocaine addict and this is very diferrent.

Thanks Raven. Yes, I do feel guilty like I need to prove my innocence. I'm sort of tempted to go round there and confront him while she's sitting there to find out what he's said. I'm quite angry really about all this but that keeps getting dampened down by being worried about him.

OP posts:
GarlicSeptimus · 22/09/2014 14:17

All of that is textbook behaviour of a cocaine addict.

There's that too.
Amelia, I think your closure, if you will, comes from setting out all the facts you can think of and giving them to your GP. After this, you really have to stop thinking for him and turn your attention to yourself and DC. I'm not underestimating how hard this can be: you've essentially been in abusive relationship for the past year, and one common purpose in abuse (however driven) is to get the target thinking only about the abuser.
You may need therapy to help you do this effectively - Mumsnet's also really good!

Original poster
AmeliaPondsBaby · 22/09/2014 14:29

Thanks Garlic x

OP posts: