Why would a man do this?

[AmeliaPondsBaby]

I am struggling a bit with moving on with the end of an LTR and wanted to know if anyone can answer me the big "why" over my ex's bizarre behavior so I can try and make peace with it.

Can anyone tell me why would a person would possibly behave like this.

He was not a looker but he was a fantastic boyfriend. Kind, sweet, devoted, loving, attentive, supportive and basically everything I ever wished for and more.

He asked me to move in with him and became the most amazing stepfather to my DCs - kind to them, volunteering for bedtime stories and all that and replacing their own father who sadly disappeared when they were babies. DCs absolutely love him.

He spent years with me in a very happy life where I would have rated the relationship as 10 out of 10 on the happiness scale and he was quite vocal in expressing that he felt the same. He proposed publicly at his parents house with a tearful affirmation of how I made him the happiest he had ever been and he wanted to grow old with me.

Never once did he voice any unhappiness, any dis-satisfaction, any issues at all with me. Nor did he infer them through a reduction of affection or attention. In fact all the way through everything he said or did confirmed the opposite.

Then, very suddenly, out of nowhere, he announced randomly and without any emotion that he'd decided he didn't love me any more and proceeded to turn into the most evil, hideous bastard on the face of the planet.

He moved out and within a week joined every dating site known to man, and while there wasn't another woman he certainly went to great effort to find one and rubbed it in my face.

To make it even worse he started a smear campaign of lies - telling people around us (who were as shocked as I was) that behind closed doors that I was "crazy" and horrible to live with and tearfully told them how he had endured it for so long because of my DCs and he was so convincing that he actually ending up with people feeling sorry for him instead of me!

It was like he wanted to inflict the maximum possible pain and suferring onto me that he could inflict. He seemed angry, viscous, nasty and generally...just evil.

This happened to me a few months ago, and I just really want to find some understanding of how a person can behave like this or why they would want to.

I know people can "fall out of love" and hide it with ease if they choose to - although I do struggle with quite how convincing he was, but what I can't fathom is the cruelty and abuse towards someone who has never done anything wrong to deserve it...are some people capable of pretending to be lovely and then turning incredibly evil? Are they capable of pretending for years?

He has no history of behavior like this. For a long time I thought he had a brain tumour. His behavior since doing this has been very odd.

He started to drink very heavily, seems to not sleep very much, spends all his time on filthy chat sites or playing video games, he tells lies that are quite magnificent, is extremely manipulative and cruel.

I can't really begin to explain how much this is the opposite of the person I lived with for several years. I can't say I ever saw him be even the slightest bit nasty to anyone before.

I was reading a thread yesterday about men being like monkeys and how they rarely jump off a branch unless they have another branch to jump from, and I think it just made me wonder how or why he would leave a generally happy home with stability and comforts to go to nothing. I mean, aside from our relationship he stood to lose financial stability, a warm home, good cooking, laundry service, support and love from us all. Seems just really odd behavior unless you're in a relationship that's really unbearable for some reason and if it was unbearable to him I'm not sure how I wasn't aware!

He had his head burst open by a massive trauma and was just patched up

OP you are doing the right thing in making sure he hasn't got a brain injury.

The drinking, insomnia and weight loss could also mean PTSD and depression.
Has he had any counselling after the accident? Nearly dying from a freak accident can cause all sorts of issues.

Oh my goodness, this resonates with me. I have a friend whose husband had a brain tumour. He had an operation to remove it. The good news? They got it all. The bad news. It completely changed his personality.

Initially, she said it was just like living with a polite stranger (as far as I know he was never verbally abusive). But then he did something very stupid and rash - and totally out of character - with their life savings (which included forging her signature). Then he started with the risky behaviour. As far as I know it was not sexual (although I doubt she would tell me if it was, she's quite buttoned up). He disappears, without notice, for up to 4 weeks at a time, with no change of clothes, or credit cards. So far he has reappeared, but does not/will not give any explanation for his absence.

She is at her wits end. She is about to lose the family home, her future is gone, but most of all she misses her lovely husband.

Yes, my bet is acquired brain injury too, an I really feel for you OP.

My god, that sounds horrific, op. I can't believe the hospital just patched him up. So sorry. You should definitely see the gp re your h, or go with his mum and him if he will let you?

Hey op

I have spent a large proportion of my career working within Brain injury, including at a medium security brain injury specialist hospital.

All the things you have mentioned sound entirely commensurate with a brain injury. In particular the total personality change and exaggerated sexual response. A length of time between the injury and the change can be explained by reduced brain swelling. It can take years to see the full extent of a brain injury.

I would advise you to call Headway - the brain injury charity - www.headway.org.uk/home.aspx

They have a great team and helpline support. They will tell you that the (frankly) dismissive attitude from the NHS is normal. Many healthcare professionals are ignorant about brain injury and it is drastically misdiagnosed.

Headway can advise you on how to deal with the NHS (your ex's mother will need to push for him to see a specialist), how to talk to your ex partners mother and how you can get your support. As other posters have mentioned, telling his mother is crucial. He needs help regardless of diagnosis. Have you ever worried that he is due to commit a crime? Some of the worse cases suddenly undertake criminal activity, but were model citizens before the head injury. It's important this doesn't escalate so the police or mental health are involved, and his diagnosis and help are mismanaged.

Most importantly, I want you to ensure that you get support. This is a horrible thing to go through and it's a grieving process for the person who was before. The loss of hopes and dreams. It's not your fault, this is a devastating illness and don't be afraid to rally people around you for support.
I have worked with many partners and families after brain injury and the sense of loss they feel is enormous. But at the same time they recognise they need to put themselves first, as it is painful to deal with someone you love being abusive/ violent/ mean/ distant/ utterly changed. Do not feel guilty if you need to back off and focus on yourself, and ensure your boundaries are strong. Take care of yourself xxxx

Years and years ago, as a law student, the criminal justice paper had a section on responsibility, for obvious reasons. And it stuck with me that a guy who was a lovely, upstanding pillar of the community was hit by something (I want to say train, but can't remember for sure?) and had a total personality change. Became aggressive and violent to his family and was eventually jailed for violent assaults.

I agree you need to talk to Headway. And I am so, so incredibly sorry this has happened. You must be beside yourself with hurt and grief, as well as worry. I send so much sympathy, and hope things improve soon.

I'm sitting here completely bowled over by the help I got today - thank you all of you. Saxtonier, this was an amazing post...thank you, thank you, thank you. I did not even know headway existed, and I did not know it was possible for brain injury symptoms to be delayed.

Anytime, we're all here for you. :)

I do think calling Headway will help you. All your description exactly matches background notes I have had for clients.

Headway also has a local area network that provides support for carers, so you might want to ask them about that too.

I can't emphasise enough that you and his mum need as much support as possible, regardless of the outcome.

Keep posting if you need us xxx

Brilliant input from saxtonier. Great info!

Good old mumsnet!

I don't have anything useful to add OP but just wanted to send you my best wishes. What a terribly tragic series of events.

I will most definitely call Headway.

If it turns out that there is a medical explanation for this it might mean a lot of things but any one of those things feels like a better alternative than living with no explanation at all.

I will let you know what the GP says on Monday and I do think he will go. I know at first he was getting away with acting oddly in some ways because he'd been through a breakup, but as time goes on he can't keep it up and I do think with his Mum's suspicions up she's always been the only person he ever listened to.

It's good they seem to both be acknowledging something isn't right, because up until now he was quite adamant the only problem was me :(

Thank you Humphrey

That's great news AmeliaPondsBaby. Look forward to hearing how it goes.

Ask Headway specifically on what to say to your GP. Staggering numbers of GPs are woefully uninformed about this, so you will need to be persistent to ensure you are referred correctly. Depending on your area/ trust you will need to be referred to either a specialist brain injury person/ or at least a neuro specialist. There is really good support in Birmingham, Sheffield and London (unfortunately this is a postcode lottery). Headway should be able to give you specific names of consultants for your area, or you can run your own searches.

As you get a diagnosis, don't be afraid to be assertive and ask to be transferred to other specialist consultant based on the specific needs of your ex. Lots of clients needed to do this, lived up north (for example) but eventually referred down to London as they needed the expertise of a particular specialist. No brain injury is the same, no treatment is the same, and needs will vary.

How old are your children? Are they old enough to see the change in him?

Lots of hugs :)

Yes sadly they are 10 and 12 so it's been miserable for them :( I couldn't hide what was happening but haven't had an explanation to give them.

I'm wearing that T-shirt! Don't recognise the person he became. He's told everyone that I was mad and ill…….Had his mother telling me about how 'unwell' I'd apparently been………. From what I could make out, this was well 'understood' within the family.

There has been another woman (seemed to have met her on a dating site.) There has been heavy drinking. Extremely cold, but sometimes aggressive communications. Bullied me relentlessly by email when my mother was taken into hospital with a heart attack. Then periods of him quite obviously trying to get my attention (sending me links to places/ things of interest by email.)

I suspect that the behaviour is a mixture of guilt, the influence of the OW thinking that she is coming up with 'suggestions' as to how to 'deal' with you, anger (probably actually at himself), grief, difficulties in his relationship with the OW, shame…….

I think the key things for now is to emphasise it's not their fault. Amazing how children take on blame that is nothing to do with them. Maybe emphasise you still love them/ sometimes people act unpredictably and this is not about them/ the only thing we have control over is ourselves etc.

Depending on diagnosis there are booklets and books (books I think are too young, but I think I have seen a book for teenagers) from Headway on how to talk to children and also,

• www.brainline.org/content/2008/11/how-talk-children-about-brain-injury.html
• www.brainline.org/content/2012/08/helping-children-cope-with-head-injury-in-the-family_pageall.html
• www.brainlinemilitary.org/content/2012/07/helping-your-children-cope-with-tbi_pageall.html

Often children get confused between what they see on TV/ movies about head injuries and the reality. A good discussion point might be a conversation on what happens when someone hits their head in a movie/ on tv. They are always able to get up easily, unhurt and have no issues. This is not the reality!

Finally, if you get a diagnosis for brain injury, you may want to watch your parenting. Being surrounded by this all day, when I had children I suddenly became the 'world's most careful driver' (trademarked!) and could have acted as an ambassador for cycling helmets. I didn't realise I was being like that until a friend pointed that out!

Finally, there is training for carers and children on challenging behaviour and how the definition of what constitutes challenging behaviour differs for everyone. For example, I could cope well at work with clients throwing chairs at me, or regularly flashing me their penis. I struggled with clients who would steal from shops when we took them out. Everyone is different, and it would be useful for you and your kids to understand their own boundaries and difficulties.

Thanks so much Saxtonier. It sounds like you are fairly convinced as a professional with experience in this area and that this is what has happened here and that's interesting.

Of course there are many ifs and buts here. First he has to get to the GP, then the GP has to agree to refer him which will require either him or his Mum to be in agreement that this might be an issue, then he'd have to push for investigations and treatment no doubt as we live nowhere near Birmingham or London. Then I suppose there's nothing at all to indicate that even if he has had a brain injury that anything can be done, or that even knowing this will change his behavior or wishes towards me so it's a lot of questions right now with perhaps a small glimmer of hope in there somewhere that he might not be a complete psychopath or something.

Does feel like a mountain to climb to say the least. Easier if I was his wife or still his partner but now I am in effect the ex - so as much as I want to take care of him and fight for him to get to the bottom of what's happening to him it's also kind of no longer my place which is really sad for me.

Having the support of friends and family would make an immense difference though. At the moment he has cast me as the enemy / the problem and if he gets some sort of diagnosis of anything - at least people might say "well maybe there is more to this than meets the eye".

Knowing him he will resist to the maximum any possibility that he needs help of any sort and I know that will make this extra tough.

I will delay speaking to the kids about anything until I know more but those links look fantastic. Thank you

OP, it may give you an explanation of why he changed so much but it may be too late for your relationship.

The more you tell his mother about what you learned from saxtonier, the better. Sounds like she will be the only one to be able to persuade him to see a specialist. Good luck with it all.

Sorry no advice but hope you get to the bottom of his behaviour

I know :(

Thank you xxx

I do know the diagnosis does not mean he wants to come back to me, or even that if he did that he would be who I knew before.

It would mean though that he is safer, that he is getting proper care and support even if he doesn't want it from me, that he gets help and might improve, that my past is left "in tact" and I can make peace with what happened with a clear understanding of it, that I have an answer for my children about where and why their stepdad went, that friends and family might give me the support and understanding I really need.

At the moment, we have two camps really. Those who think he is a total and utter bastard and expect me to hate him / not think about him or entertain contact with him and those who think there must be something I am hiding about the reasons he did this - neither attitude is helpful to me.

It's difficult to explain what a pariah this has made me feel like. Its been like going from happy families and a normal life to suddenly being the Christmas special of EastEnders and I've felt a lot of shame over it.

A. Very sad thread op. Hugs to you. I think also brain injury now. Hope something can be done.

Hold your head high, Amelia and chuck that shame out the window. You're a caring, loving, strong woman and I reckon that'll see you through. Your DC are lucky to have you.

Cor you both just made me cry. I've gotten more useful information and input in a few hours here than I have had off all my friends and family, my counsellor or my GP in months. I'm so grateful I really am and will let you all know what happens on Monday both with his visit to the docs and with my chat with Headway

AmeliaPondsBaby, lots of hugs.

As the other posters have indicated, this is not your fault, and you do not deserve this treatment regardless of any possible reason or explanation. This is not your shame to bear.

Going back over what you said, I should have explained more about manipulation in relation to brain injury. This is highly common in clients. I am highly trained and work with others who have similar levels of competency. But I have still dealt with a couple of clients who were so manipulative that they had the entire care team doubting themselves and wondering if it was us, in fact, that was at fault. Hold onto your own boundaries, sanity and remain clear about your intentions.

It is clear from your posts you are a loving, sensitive and kind person. Do not these events let you leave that belief. I believe if you talk to Headway and then go to his mother, while shocked, she will be grateful for your clear compassion and care about her son, despite the appalling behaviour he has put you through.

Professionals will be looking at the 'whole picture', not just what your ex is saying. It is not just you who has noticed a huge change in behaviour. It is clear he is not coping - alcohol abuse, breaking up a long term relationship, erratic behaviour, missing work. His issues, whatever they are, are affecting both his personal life and his professional life. Surely his boss must have noticed some change in your ex's memory and capacity?

I think an answer, whatever it is, will help you process this very traumatic situation. And if it is brain injury/ or something else, you can access support services for you specifically to help you process this.

I have met some lovely women who have come out the 'other side', have grieved the person they lost, and have gained deeper insight into the whole situation and themselves. I think answers will help you. You will get there, just keep focusing on yourself and your needs (and the kids) above everything, and stay confident that this situation will get better. Because it will.

I still can't work out how to do the flowers icon, but I am sending the sentiment!