Why would a man do this?

[AmeliaPondsBaby]

I am struggling a bit with moving on with the end of an LTR and wanted to know if anyone can answer me the big "why" over my ex's bizarre behavior so I can try and make peace with it.

Can anyone tell me why would a person would possibly behave like this.

He was not a looker but he was a fantastic boyfriend. Kind, sweet, devoted, loving, attentive, supportive and basically everything I ever wished for and more.

He asked me to move in with him and became the most amazing stepfather to my DCs - kind to them, volunteering for bedtime stories and all that and replacing their own father who sadly disappeared when they were babies. DCs absolutely love him.

He spent years with me in a very happy life where I would have rated the relationship as 10 out of 10 on the happiness scale and he was quite vocal in expressing that he felt the same. He proposed publicly at his parents house with a tearful affirmation of how I made him the happiest he had ever been and he wanted to grow old with me.

Never once did he voice any unhappiness, any dis-satisfaction, any issues at all with me. Nor did he infer them through a reduction of affection or attention. In fact all the way through everything he said or did confirmed the opposite.

Then, very suddenly, out of nowhere, he announced randomly and without any emotion that he'd decided he didn't love me any more and proceeded to turn into the most evil, hideous bastard on the face of the planet.

He moved out and within a week joined every dating site known to man, and while there wasn't another woman he certainly went to great effort to find one and rubbed it in my face.

To make it even worse he started a smear campaign of lies - telling people around us (who were as shocked as I was) that behind closed doors that I was "crazy" and horrible to live with and tearfully told them how he had endured it for so long because of my DCs and he was so convincing that he actually ending up with people feeling sorry for him instead of me!

It was like he wanted to inflict the maximum possible pain and suferring onto me that he could inflict. He seemed angry, viscous, nasty and generally...just evil.

This happened to me a few months ago, and I just really want to find some understanding of how a person can behave like this or why they would want to.

I know people can "fall out of love" and hide it with ease if they choose to - although I do struggle with quite how convincing he was, but what I can't fathom is the cruelty and abuse towards someone who has never done anything wrong to deserve it...are some people capable of pretending to be lovely and then turning incredibly evil? Are they capable of pretending for years?

He has no history of behavior like this. For a long time I thought he had a brain tumour. His behavior since doing this has been very odd.

He started to drink very heavily, seems to not sleep very much, spends all his time on filthy chat sites or playing video games, he tells lies that are quite magnificent, is extremely manipulative and cruel.

I can't really begin to explain how much this is the opposite of the person I lived with for several years. I can't say I ever saw him be even the slightest bit nasty to anyone before.

frontal lobe damage? did he have an MRI scan at the time - surely he did?

Yes, something was sticking out of a passing car! For about a month probably he could not read a bus timetable or do the most simple tasks and he slept all day. He also didn't seem to have emotions and just sat there smiling. I was really scared he'd never be normal but he gradually seemed to return to who he was.

I did read online though afterwards that a large portion of people who have injuries like that go on to develop depression or anxiety within the following year because of a disruption to the electrical impulses or something.

No! the hospital would not do an MRI because he never lost consciousness. They told me to watch out for signs of a brain bleed and sent us home :/

You both need one help. Something must have triggered this dramatic change in personality. I second an urgent DrS appointment.

It might be a personality disorder as Blue suggests but you must rule out other causes, a brain tumour or other head injury, early onset dementia, or a psychotic breakdown.

This is awful for you OP. Please get some help! You may find it is treatable.

minkah that's a really good idea. Feels a bit interfering but it comes from a place of genuine concern.

The actor Gary Busey was once in a motorcycle accident without a helmet which caused a massive traumatic brain injury. He recovered afterwards, but its long rumoured that this is the reason for his subsequent chaotic and unpredictable personality. But outwardly he's fine.

I would bet good money an MRI would show up something. But tbh, I doubt his personality will switch back if it is a TBI. Damage is damage.

You are soon going to have to take a step back. Let his mother take over now. Are you still in contact with him?

Not interfering. Helpful and sane.

Explain about the head injury leading to disruptive and uncharacteristic behaviour, weight loss, emotional abuse, financial heedlessness, sleeplessness and sexual boundary shifts.

Doctor simply has to listen, as you are his ex common law wife, in effect.

Explain your ex's close family are non plussed and out of their depth.

Yes, a bit in contact with him. Very erratic results.

Sometimes he acts like nothing happened and we're best friends which is really uncomfortable and odd like he is oblivious. Sometimes he is just cold like I am a nobody. There have been a few explosions of extreme anger and verbal abuse and there has also been one or two episodes where he has seemed much more like himself which is what has kept me hanging on. At those times he tends to cry a lot and has acknowledged guilt (sort of but seems detached from the extent of it) for example he says "I could have handled it better" - which is obviously an understatement - but those moments are fleeting moments at best.

He tends to want to chat about odd things and pretend none of this is happening so for me I am not sure it's helpful. I know I am behaving in shock and abnormally myself but can;t see to control that either.

It's hard to explain but when he says crazy things, my trust and respect for him is so high because of who he was before that I actually feel like what he is saying might be true - even though it's illogical to think so. Often times I am left wondering if it's all me!

Oh and if you do get to talk to the doctor, have it written down in brief bullet points first. He may not have time to give you more than 5 mins on the phone so you need to get the relevant details out swiftly and succinctly.

I don't get how he could have such a difficult and demanding job and still do it on 2-3 hours' sleep a night. And how can he cope with it if his memory is so poor?

What happened with his job for the month that he couldn't do anything and while he was slowly returning to normal?

Did they really tell you "to watch out for signs of a brain bleed and sent us home " when he couldn't read a bus timetable and just sat and smiled all day?

Surely there must have been some follow-up from a neurologist after an injury like that.

What an annarose said. Bullet points, written down. You can get to talk to the doctor. Just be clear and tell them it's an urgent mental health issue.

Also, ask your GP for counselling, you are bewildered, understandably, and need to get grounded and process this disruption to your normal established reality.

Oh, this absolutely SCREAMS at me brain trauma of some sort - injury, tumour, small bleeds (multiple infarct dementia) etc. I know about this - my late, beloved husband underwent a personality change during the last year or so of his life. Never as awful as poor OP's partner, but still distressing and totally out of character. His friend noticed too, but he refused to consult any doctors (he was so stubborn, bless him). He died one night after just one hour of illness - either a massive cerebral bleed or a tumour that finally haemorrhaged (we lived abroad and the doctors wouldn't do a post mortem, despite me begging them to).

OP's ex really needs to see a doctor urgently. Everything she's described sounds typical of something going wrong in his brain.

I agree Balloon, I wonder how he does it. I do know he has missed perhaps 3 weeks from work in the last four months, which is very uncharacteristic having only had perhaps 3 - 5 sick days in the 5 year period before that but he does largely carry on a normal life.

His memory issues tend to be focussed on forgetting what he was doing, forgetting things he has said, forgetting entire conversations he has had with me, confusing days and showing up for appointments on the wrong day. He does remember who he is etc. but seems a bit confused about minor things.

Last year when he had the head injury he was signed off work for almost two months, as at that time he was completely unable to work. Actually even trying to think caused him to get headaches and he needed complete rest.

Yes, they just sent us home. I did call the GP when I got concerned it had gone on too long and they told me his symptoms were not abnormal for a severe concussion and no follow up was needed unless he exhibited symptoms like leakage from the nose, vomiting etc. and as I said he seemed relatively normal for six months afterwards so we forgot about it and thanked God.

It's only really now after all this that I have been wondering if there was some sort of link. Obviously if he'd done this 2 months after it I'd have thought "oh he has a brain injury" but it's more difficult as he seemed normal for six months in between.

OP, have a look here for more information.

Were there any follow up investigations after his head injury? Or did they just patch him up and leave you to it?

Thank you oldgrandmama and I am so sorry about your husband. I was posting here thinking I was grasping at straws with my little theories but all the reassurance has helped me to feel more confident with speaking up over my concerns here and maybe finding some answers that make sense.

The worst part of all this is, you will never know why. It may torment you to try to make sense of it all, but in the end, quite frankly, it never will. Never

There are loads of things I will never know for certain about my stbxh, his motivations, his true feelings, suspected affair.....gah, it drives me to insanity if I think about it too much.

Bottomline is I try to remember it's not for me to understand why he is the way he is, but rather I feel karma will provide the justice I am due. And I try to redirect my energies into me. Whenever I find myself dwelling on him, I say 'that (thought of him) is not part of my reality. Right now, my reality is...(and I focus on a noise in the room, or a texture of something, or a smell, something tangible)' It seems to be working so far as I am not obsessing on what he may/may not be doing/thinking/his motivations, etc., as that just causes me pain and anxiety over and over again.

No follow ups :( They just patched him up.

It really doesn't help that he is the stubborn type who insisted he was fine. Even in A&E he was telling hem he was fine and making a joke of it. Some trainee patched him up who looked about 14 and as it was late at night there was hardly any doctors around.

they barely looked at him at all :( Just gave me a leaflet.

He was actually trying to go snowboarding about 10 weeks after his injury and I had to call his Mum to get her to put a stop to it. Sad but true...he always thought he was fine and refused to listen to anyone. A lovely gentle guy but also stubborn as a mule and he hates doctors.

Thanks for the link, will give that a good read and maybe show it to his Mum too.

This is all a bit too coincidental, isn't it. I'd get speaking to his mum and both of you to his GP asap.

I wonder if also there is some brain trauma charity that could advise.

Oh, and my stbxh has MH issues, changing meds, a mysterious viral illness, a mid life crisis and a recent bereavement....

But he's still an ass. Because he treated me like garbage whilst supporting him through all this.

Some people are just plain broken. No other answer more complicated than that. Just fundamentally broken.

Oh just saw NotDavid's link.

Oh, it is a damn shame you trusted the doctor. Sounds like he needed far better care at the time. They seem to be treating him as though bumped his head on a cabinet! He was hit by a car (essentially). Sending him home for months, with no sort of recovery therapy or observation other than that done by you? And then dismissing your concerns?

That is making my blood boil.

If his GP dismisses this, his mum (and you) need to do an end run and somehow bring him to the attention of a neurologist. If she is coming round to your point of view, i bet the rest of the family will soon follow. His friends and even his employer might be able to help.

I do know all this and that there's a chance he is a closet arsehole, and I do know "Nice Guys" can sometimes snap and just not give a fuck after years of being Mr Perfect.

I just want to feel confident that if there is something medically wrong with him that it's been looked into at least. I know I might not get the answers I seek and I might well have to make my peace with never understanding this but it would be good to try.

His Mum called me back and she says he has agreed to go to the doctor and admits he is not all right. She says he was crying on the phone and she's on her way over to see him.

The one thing that struck me from your initial post was how absolutely wonderful he was and how 100% fantastic your relationship was and I wonder if that can ever really be the case when a couple has been together for some time.

Is it even possible that he could have been amazing, perfect, 10 out of 10 all the time? Maybe he wasn't being himself and could not sustain it. Maybe he could not keep being mr perfect all the time or could not suppress his real feelings any more.

This thread reminds me of one several months ago where the op described her oh as absolutely perfect and could not understand why he suddenly left with no warning, changed personality and was completely cold with her. It was as if he had suffered some mental breakdown. The thread went on for a long time with lots of different theories.

Thanks Momagain1 :( I'm embarrassed to say it didn't occur to me it was odd. The hospital and GP told me it was fine and I feel a bit remiss in not being more insistent.

Flossiex2 that's exactly one of the things that reverberates round and round my head and has made me wonder if I've been living some sort of false life. It's also come up with my counsellor. Looking back it unnerves me that I can't think of an occasion over almost eight years where he started a fight with me.

We did have our problems! No question, but I thought we had everything A okay in terms of strategies for managing issues and I thought we talked about everything. I also thought he valued the life we shared enormously. He could not have children of his own and he absolutely doted on mine.

Hence my confusion about why he comes out with this as every part of it seemed to lack logic.

I do see maybe there is more than meets the eye underneath this, but the part that keeps me awake at night is really why he has been so horrible, nasty and abusive.

It's been four months now and he's been pretty consistently nasty to me and as I say seems to have tried to inflict maximum pain onto me.

At least if he sees a doctor maybe that rules out any other reason. I am prepared for the possibility that he just hid a side to himself that I didn't know was there.