Why would a man do this?

[AmeliaPondsBaby]

I am struggling a bit with moving on with the end of an LTR and wanted to know if anyone can answer me the big "why" over my ex's bizarre behavior so I can try and make peace with it.

Can anyone tell me why would a person would possibly behave like this.

He was not a looker but he was a fantastic boyfriend. Kind, sweet, devoted, loving, attentive, supportive and basically everything I ever wished for and more.

He asked me to move in with him and became the most amazing stepfather to my DCs - kind to them, volunteering for bedtime stories and all that and replacing their own father who sadly disappeared when they were babies. DCs absolutely love him.

He spent years with me in a very happy life where I would have rated the relationship as 10 out of 10 on the happiness scale and he was quite vocal in expressing that he felt the same. He proposed publicly at his parents house with a tearful affirmation of how I made him the happiest he had ever been and he wanted to grow old with me.

Never once did he voice any unhappiness, any dis-satisfaction, any issues at all with me. Nor did he infer them through a reduction of affection or attention. In fact all the way through everything he said or did confirmed the opposite.

Then, very suddenly, out of nowhere, he announced randomly and without any emotion that he'd decided he didn't love me any more and proceeded to turn into the most evil, hideous bastard on the face of the planet.

He moved out and within a week joined every dating site known to man, and while there wasn't another woman he certainly went to great effort to find one and rubbed it in my face.

To make it even worse he started a smear campaign of lies - telling people around us (who were as shocked as I was) that behind closed doors that I was "crazy" and horrible to live with and tearfully told them how he had endured it for so long because of my DCs and he was so convincing that he actually ending up with people feeling sorry for him instead of me!

It was like he wanted to inflict the maximum possible pain and suferring onto me that he could inflict. He seemed angry, viscous, nasty and generally...just evil.

This happened to me a few months ago, and I just really want to find some understanding of how a person can behave like this or why they would want to.

I know people can "fall out of love" and hide it with ease if they choose to - although I do struggle with quite how convincing he was, but what I can't fathom is the cruelty and abuse towards someone who has never done anything wrong to deserve it...are some people capable of pretending to be lovely and then turning incredibly evil? Are they capable of pretending for years?

He has no history of behavior like this. For a long time I thought he had a brain tumour. His behavior since doing this has been very odd.

He started to drink very heavily, seems to not sleep very much, spends all his time on filthy chat sites or playing video games, he tells lies that are quite magnificent, is extremely manipulative and cruel.

I can't really begin to explain how much this is the opposite of the person I lived with for several years. I can't say I ever saw him be even the slightest bit nasty to anyone before.

Have a bunch each!
Xxxx

I wish I'd found you four months ago! I can't believe manipulation is a symptom. That's been the worst part of it, feeling like I am going mad myself. He really has had me genuinely doubting my own memories and sanity because he acts like he completely believes the things he is saying and twists the truth so I don't know if black is white or not.

Of course his boss has noticed his absences, him showing up looking scruffy, the weight loss and his memory lapses (he has also broken down crying at work and has apparently offended colleagues by inappropriate sexual or offensive jokes) but the manipulation part comes into play here because he told everyone at work that I left him thus creating a sense of "poor man, so devastated as he loved her so much he's utterly broken" instead of "how bizarre to be in this state if he is the one who ended the relationship."

In a lot of ways all the lies and misdirections have essentially prevented people from seeing what is really going on. I'm sure if his boss knew what actually happened he would react differently. Same with his friends, same with his family.

He's created a sort of smoke and mirrors situation where everyone in his life (except me!) is misled to some degree over what is going on and because I am the dumped woman people seem to not really believe me!

xxx Minkah

IYSMIM, my story is that we had a happy relationship, no problems, no arguments, in love and going well and he just changed into a diferrent person over a period of a few days and left me for no apparent reason and turned into the devil incarnate.

His story is that despite appearing to be happy, we had been long having problems that we were hiding from the world, that he had done his bit to try and work on them but he could finally not cope anymore, that I was unwilling to work on things, that I was extremely difficult to live with behind closed doors etc.

And because he's a very reliable, lovely person with impeccable character I suppose to a lot of people his story just sounds more believable as my version of events makes no sense.

To those who he works with or casual acquaintances he has either openly lied or at minimum implied that it was me who left him. A lot of people are very frosty towards me :(

It's not uncommon for example for me to be with him one afternoon and for him to be raging, crying, totally awful and talking about how bad he feels for me to report back to friends that I've seen him and he was in an awful state and that I am worried about him - only to find he'd spoken to the same person that very same day and told them how cheerful he was. It makes me look mad!

People don't know about the bizarre things he's been doing obviously because I can't very well go around telling people such private and intimate things and even if I did they'd not believe me as it's frankly mental.

Yes, your reality has been completely fractured, and nobody is standing along side you, seeing what you see, to corroborate all the anomalies.

So deeply disorienting, alongside the emotional distress of losing your partner, to have so much confusion and chaotic behaviour.

Yes, exactly :( Disorienting is the perfect word x

I think his DM is his nearest relative under the MH Act, and I think this means that she can ask for him to be evaluated, with or without his consent.

I really think that you are on your way now to feeling solid ground under your feet again, and seeing a much clearer picture of what's been happening.

You are the only one who has a detailed overview of the situation.

I'm so sorry for the trauma you've been caught up in.

I think you're bring brilliant in dealing with it all.
X

Amelia I'm so glad saxtonier has found your thread and been able to offer so much valuable information on brain injury etc.

I feel almost sure that this is going to turn out to be the root cause of your situation and, while it may not mean that your relationship can ever be mended, at least you and your DC can know that it really wasn't your fault in any way, shape or form! I am absolutely horrified again at the hospital's response to your DP's injury, even if he didn't lose consciousness, surely they could see and understand the extent of the impact if his head burst open!

Anyway, I think there's not much else useful I can offer now except to say good luck with him going to the GP, and I really hope it's a good one who can see through his "front" with all the background information that you are going to give his mother. And yes, do tell her everything - even the stuff that seems subjective - no doubt she knew what he was like with you before, so it will be clear to her that his behaviour has changed. Also tell her everything you can remember about the night of the accident/injury, including treatment received etc.

This is my last post before I go to sleep! Should you be sleeping too?! ;)

Do not doubt yourself. It's common to feel like you are going mad yourself. The up and the down is very difficult. One minute a client can show glimpses of 'normality'/ their 'old self' (reported from friends and family) and the next minute they are behaving erratically and badly. One minute a client can tell you they think you are awesome and a hour later they throw a chair at you. And then 10 minutes later they are offering you chocolate. This is the normal for brain injury! This is why I keep talking about protecting yourself and keeping up your boundaries.

I would just list the symptoms he is showing and emphasise he is telling a lot of untruths and is being manipulative. Well-trained professionals will pick this up quite quickly as one of the symptoms, so this is why they seek opinions from other friends and family.

Mention all you have told us, maybe go armed to the session with a list in duplicate (one for the consultant). Mention everything. For example, what you have told us about inappropriate sexual behaviour towards colleagues will ring a massive bell for professionals. These are things that are seriously affecting his quality of life, he needs help! Make it clear this behaviour is a vast departure from his previous temperament, and you are very concerned because it seems to be affecting every part of his life.

I'm going to repeat it three times. This is not your fault, this is not your fault, this is not your fault. You're not mad, you're not the 'dumped woman', you WILL be believed.

:)

Thanks Silvery, also never occurred to me that his consent isn't necessarily needed, particularly if things were to get any worse.

I do feel a lot calmer tonight than I have for a long time Minkah, or at least affirmed in my own head that there is sufficient evidence to lead to the likelihood that there is something wrong with him. Before I had this gut feeling something was wrong but it's hard to have conviction on that with so much contradictory input. Now I think there might be a theory that makes sense and adds up it's a big step forward even if only in my own mind.

One thing I've not mentioned in the thread is how much I miss him, which is the most breathtaking sense of loss I've ever experienced. Going through something like this, in particular the kids, without his support and smiling face there is really hard. Even when I do see him it's clear that the he's not him and that's even more lonely.

Thank you so much and have a great sleep x

Yep.
I see that,Amelia.
Once the tangle of confusion is unravelled, you can move into grieving the person you have lost. Grief is really tough, but the good thing about it is that it comes in waves you can learn to surf, and it moves through stages which organically shift, so you know there is light at the end, and you are moving toward it.
You're a loving woman clearly radiating heart and intelligence. Each day the sun rises.
No matter what.
X

Thanks so much thumb and saxonier. Sounds flaky but I feel like divine intervention rough you to this thread tonight saxonier. Everything you type is like reading my life...the glimpses of the old personality then the sudden change again :( I feel so much relief even at someone just acknowledging me here.

Tomorrow I'm going to document all of this as you've suggested into concise format and give it to his Mum. If she ignores me, I'll give it direct to the GP who is also my GP anyway and knows me through DCs school so hopefully she will know I'm not mad or hysterical.

Sleep? Lol. Since this happened I don't get much of that, but I will rest a lot easier tonight

xxx

Goodnight Minkah and thank you so much xxx

Hope you get some zzzzz's.
Goodnight.
X

Also wishing you a good night's rest, Amelia - read something to help your brain shut down and you might get some sleep. At least you have a plan for how to move forward now. x

Good luck Amelia. Do let us know how you get on. I hope you get some answers and I hope he gets some help.

Wow, that is a serious head injury; thought he'd just had a nasty crack on the head or something. I'm surprised no-one who knows him has before suggested his behaviour could be connected to this incident, unless of course they don't know how bad the accident was, or his behaviour has been completely hidden. Otherwise I'd have thought there'd be someone somewhere who'd suggest it - or is it just that I've read Oliver Sacks' books that this would make me forget any other theories and immediately assume it was the head injury? These things can be hard to disentangle when you are right at the heart of them, but I'd have thought his boss or someone else with a bit of distance might have added two and two. Have you spoken to his boss?

Also gobsmacked at the low level of care he received at the time; you'd have been called back for months afterwards to get it checked out, over here.

I think if he'd been behaving oddly immediately afterwards they would have raven, but when you put 6 months in between the two situations it's harder to see a link. Also harder to see it when it's mainly only me who knows about or sees the extent of the weird behavior. To them I suppose they just see a sudden and unexpected relationship breakdown and a very devastated man.

No, I haven't spoke to his boss. That would feel like crossing over the mark. In this scenario I really have been cast out of his life so the normal things a wife or DP would do are not appropriate.

I was just looking back over my worried FB posts from the time of the injury and we did try and get the GP to do a scan. Actually he had private medical care so it would have cost the NHS nothing, but we were advised a scan would tell us nothing useful and to just leave it.

There's two ways of looking at it. In one you're a wife splitting from a husband, in the other you're a human being spotting a possible medical condition in another human being. In the second scenario, even someone who did not have a close relationship with him at all might write an email to someone that could help (as his own judgement is affected). His mum is obviously a good bet, but his boss might also be able to do something, too. Maybe his mum could contact the boss herself, so she hears from the horse's mouth what else he might have got up to.

Have a look at this random article I Googled, for instance - maybe you could simply send his mum / whoever a link or copy of something like this so they feel it's more urgent that he gets it checked out? It has some bits about delayed symptoms, even mentioning the idea of someone doing odd sexual things 6 months after a brain injury:
www.holisticprimarycare.net/topics/topics-o-z/psyche-some-a-spirit/971-traumatic-brain-injuries-are-increasingly-common-but-easily-missed

One really funny thing I have noticed, and it might seem odd, is that his body temperature is much lower than it was before

Hey again all,

If I wasn't clear enough it is crucial you mention the sexual issues to his mother. I know this is enormously embarrasing for all concerned, but this is a key fact from a professional's point of view - a vastly changed and now inappropriate sexual response that is potentially putting someone's career and personal relationships at risk.

I would recommend his mother contacts the boss to get the specifics of the inappropriate sexual behaviour and anything else (angry outbursts, mood changes) that has been happening. I agree it is not appropriate for AmeliaPondsBaby to do this. She has been through enough pain and contacting the boss could potentially put her in the firing line of mistakenly being accused of being a 'vindicative ex'.

The low body temperature might be caused from the excessive weight loss. Is your ex now underweight in terms of BMI? It's still something else to mention to the doctors.

AmeliaPondsBaby - hope you are doing better today? :)

Thanks saxtonier...bit of a crappy day for whatever reason. Probably just another day of "I can't believe this is happening" and for whatever reason the total denial I've been in for months is now facing the grim reality that this is all real.

Aww... look after yourself.

Sunday night = glass of wine; long relaxing bath; reading good book; watching X factor [whatever is your poison! ;) ]

It will get better x

I've just read through this thread and I'm in tears I feel so sad for you. I'm so glad though that you've received some excellent and knowledgeable advice that seems to explain his bizarre and hurtful behaviour.

One thing that shines out from your posts though is what a lovely and kind hearted person you are. Despite how he's treated you, you are still trying to help him and you never lost faith in him.

I wish you the best of luck with this and I really encourage you to get good support for yourself as you've been through so much.