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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Continued contact found between DH and OW after affair

126 replies

holdtight · 19/09/2014 22:06

I have written previous threads about my DH's continued contact with OW 10 months after his affair and in supposed marriage recovery. However, he continues to lie about his contact with OW, who he is seemingly trying to keep as a 'friend' despite my pleas to quit contact. I feel the latest revelation (discovered further 'pally' emails this week on his locked iPad) is too much to bear. I have not told him what I've found yet. I've been preparing for the worst for months, trying to gain strength but can't bring myself to end it. In agony.

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 19/09/2014 22:11

You're already in agony knowing they're still in contact, kicking him out couldn't make you feel any worse than he is already doing.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 19/09/2014 22:12

I read your last thread.

This must be the last straw now, isn't it? All those promises, all that counseling - the truth is he has no respect for you.

I'm so sorry OP. Thanks It must be terrible to live like this.

midgeymum2 · 19/09/2014 22:15

You deserve better than this. I wish you the strength to do what you know you need to. I don't think he is going to change, I'm so sorry. He is a fool. You will be happy again.

AimlesslyPurposeful · 19/09/2014 22:35

If he had been fully commited to getting your marriage back on track and regaining your trust he would have stopped all contact with the OW when you asked him to.

You say you're in agony - you don't need to be. He is causing this agony. Get him out of your life and you will feel better after a couple of weeks than you have done for months!

Imagine not worrying if he's emailing her or ringing her. Not checking his texts or questioning his whereabouts. Imagine not caring where he is because you're building a happy independent life for yourself.

While you're with that shit of a man you're not giving yourself the chance to meet someone that really loves, respects and cares about you. There's a chance of a happy life out there for you but not while you're with this waste of space.

PoppyField · 19/09/2014 22:43

Been watching your previous threads OP. I know this has been said before but:

trying to gain strength but can't bring myself to end it

HE has ended it. Really, he has already ended it. You haven't. He has broken every promise, every half-hearted assurance and stamped all over your trust. Every single fibre of your being should be telling you that you do not have to put up with this. You have some dignity left OP, you are worth more than this.

He has broken your marriage. You didn't. Your job now is merely to kick him out.

Do this for your children's sake, so that they have the untold benefit of a mother who stands up for herself and for them. They don't deserve this either.

You presumably don't believe people who say 'You will come out the other end a happier person'. 'Life without him will be miles better than this.'

You have to have faith in yourself. The truth is we none of us know what will happen next, you just have to believe in yourself. Trust yourself. Don't trust yourself to him as you are currently doing, as there lies ruin. Truly.

Good Luck

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/09/2014 22:47

These threads aren't really going to be much of a salve for you, HoldTight. Your husband is NOT committed to his marriage. How much more obvious does he need to make it for you? His display of contempt towards you is absolutely sickening.

You deserve a hell of a lot better but you won't get it until you rid yourself of the man who is holding you back and showing more and more contempt for you.

You're in agony, yes, but you're prolonging it. It really is akin to ripping off a plaster, you're gently picking at it and it hurts... and it's still stuck fast.

What will it take for you to rip it off once and for all?

KittenOverlord · 19/09/2014 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Only1scoop · 19/09/2014 22:51

Hold I'm so sorry you are still going through this. He will soon get even better at hiding things I fear.

Enough is enough....you have given him a chance ....he is disrespecting you.

KittenOverlord · 19/09/2014 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Milllie · 19/09/2014 23:11

Holdtight. You have to tell him to move out. He will never believe your really serious and will never understand what it means to lose you until you do. Not only will it give him space to see what he has done but also give you breathing space to see how you feel about everything that has happened and decide if you really want to continue trying with this man. You cant go through this ever again and this is not the way a man proves to his wife that he regrets what he has done. I would say he still has strong feelings for her to be still in contact. You need to assert yourself and show him that you are a force to be reckoned with.

simontowers2 · 19/09/2014 23:20

Here's a question: why do women put up with this kind of shit? You'd think the whole feminism thing had never happened.

Milllie · 19/09/2014 23:21

Love

Milllie · 19/09/2014 23:23

Holdtight loves him and believes him because she wants to believe him. She wants to believe he will change but until she stands up for herself and tells him to move out and means it then nothing will change and he will continue to take her for granted and continue contact with OW.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/09/2014 23:24

It's not about feminism though, is it? This is somebody's life. Somebody's 'happy ever after' that they signed up to and kept the faith, expecting their partner - who entered into it freely - to do the same.

It's worse for women sure; they generally have the lion's share of childcare, don't feel as confident or comfortable out re-entering a job market if they left it or cut down hours to bring up the children - and they perhaps don't find it as easy to find other relationships in the way that men seem to effortlessly manage.

Lots of conditioning too...

Actually, maybe you're right and it IS about feminism. I don't know the answer to your question.

simontowers2 · 19/09/2014 23:26

It is about feminism. What was the point of any of it if women like this - sorry OP - allow men to just take the piss? Tis a farce.

PoppyField · 19/09/2014 23:45

I am a woman 'like this', my mother is a woman 'like this'. I'm lining up with the OP because she's obviously so fricking confused. The confusion arises as she is keeping her side of the bargain - like she's been taught, and he just isn't (probably how he has been taught). Then the roof falls in on her world and she's just trying forlornly and poignantly to hold bits of it up. It makes me think of Jackie Kennedy in Dallas instinctively reaching over the back of the car for bits of JFK's brain to try to pack them back into his skull. What's a woman to do?

Yes, of course she needs to get rid of this awful tosspot, and she now has three (?) threads asking the same question over and over again. It may be extreme but it is understandable.

Yeah it probably is about feminism, because, frankly, feminism has hardly made a dent in the culture that we breathe.

Feminism hasn't exactly taken over the world, simontower2. Which is tragic. Our whole culture dictates that women are either blamed or they are taught to blame themselves for pretty much anything that goes wrong in family/relationships. Even if a man goes off and fucks other women for years on end, people still look to the wronged wife to find the reason - was she giving him enough sex, had she let herself go? The wife herself feels shame and asks herself what she has done to make him act like a shit. The husband finds all sorts of explanations as to why he has been a shit, mainly predicated on her not being good enough at one level or another. A policeman in Rochdale finds a 12 year old girl being raped by ten men in an abandoned warehouse and arrests her for being drunk and disorderly. An arsehole football player beats his girlfriend up and the world asks 'Why did she stay' not, 'Why the fuck did he do that?' A woman on Merseyside rings the police, what, 17 times to tell them she thinks her ex-husband will kill her. Oh and guess what, he did!

Our whole culture values men more than women and we all breathe that air from the day we're born.

flipflapsflop · 20/09/2014 00:01

Let him go.

flipflapsflop · 20/09/2014 00:03

Or maybe let go of him. He has checked out. You should too.

MustTryDating · 20/09/2014 01:48

Hi have you decided what to do and raised it with him? I know it's hard but you know you have to. I really don't know if this helps but in the end I told my XH what I knew and said that this was unacceptable behaviour given kids / family and that I'd like him to think about what he should do. He decided after 24 hours that he should go and was gone within a week.

myroomisatip · 20/09/2014 03:17

Hi OP.

I have followed your threads and you have had so much good advice so I cant really add anything new.

You have to realise, for your own well being, your relationship is over. It's finished.

Hanging on like you are is just causing more pain. Let it go. Flowers

Vivacia · 20/09/2014 03:46

How about seeing a Relate counsellor on your own, just to discuss some options around separation?

Vivacia · 20/09/2014 03:48

And may I make a plea for this thread to stick to the OP and not become side-tracked.

CariadsDarling · 20/09/2014 04:48

Holdtight, I knew this would be you.

Doing what you have to do will not be easy. It will be upsetting and hard, but it will be a positive experience. You will come out in top of the upset and agony and the way you are living, but if you stay you will always be on the bottom of it all. It will eat you up even when you are asleep.

You will become a shadow of your former self. You will die a death.

Don't let them do it to you.

foxinthebox · 20/09/2014 06:10

Put it this way. At least you know. You know he is breaking your ultimatum. You don't have to worry if you are being unfair. He has broken his promise and you know that is a deal breaker.

I get the fear about taking the next step, about having the row and the awful emotional upheaval. That will get better though and you need to start the process instead of living in this hell that is driving you mad.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 20/09/2014 08:44

I've followed your other thread and don't have any more advice. This man is continuing to disrespect you and has no regard for you or your marriage. It is over. The bottom line has continually shifted with your desperation to cling on to this marriage. Don't spend the next 40 years living like this. It's a long long time to be miserable. Please leave. You deserve to be happy and you really could be so much happier.