Continued contact found between DH and OW after affair

[holdtight]

I have written previous threads about my DH's continued contact with OW 10 months after his affair and in supposed marriage recovery. However, he continues to lie about his contact with OW, who he is seemingly trying to keep as a 'friend' despite my pleas to quit contact. I feel the latest revelation (discovered further 'pally' emails this week on his locked iPad) is too much to bear. I have not told him what I've found yet. I've been preparing for the worst for months, trying to gain strength but can't bring myself to end it. In agony.

I also think your DH is being so cruel. He doesn't want to be in this marriage. His behaviour is appalling.

I still think he wants to be in the marriage - but he wants to do what the fuck he likes within the marriage.

Is that what you want OP?

Not one of us is surprised.

The only one who can change this is you.

If you don't then perhaps you just have to learn to live with and put up with the pain of a man ejp is emotionally incontinent over and over again.

Until one day he leaves you a hollow empty shell of what you were.

Ejp = who

You know the marriage is over. You found messages on his locked i pad. you have no trust of him ( quite rightly so) he is continuing to contact this woman rather than repair the damage.

This man has no intention of changing so next move is your call.

Please kick him out. I know it's scary but you can function in peace without him. No more having to check things to confirm what you know already.

If I recall you gave him an ultimatum re contact. Is he aware you have found anything....after last thread etc??

Of course it's the most difficult thing you will do, you know once you raise this you should throw him out. You are not ready to do that, but when would you be? It will always be shit, but you need to be kind to yourself and get out of this situation.

Plenty more fish in the sea OP. You need to shit or get of the pot. This guy has you down as a doormat.

OP I was in a similar situation to you for 2 years. The inevitable happened and we split, but still I had hopes of a reconciliation. I did, however, carry on with my counselling and then suddenly the penny dropped. Much of the so-called love that I thought I felt was in fact the pain of rejection. When you are loved, you feel loved, not pain.

Ooooh, holdtight I've followed your threads. You've tried so hard, but you have to chuck him out. Big hugs to you.

And PoppyField that is a brilliant post. Thanks!

You gave him an ultimatum.

Don't issue them if you're not prepared to follow through.

If you don't follow this through your H will know you're full of empty threats. He will have all the power. He already does. He'll carry on doing exactly as he likes and you will put up with it.

Doesn't sound like any kind of life I'd choose personally.

Find your anger, and find it quickly before he completely destroys you.

I think he knows you'll put up with whatever behaviour he throws at you. He knows you won't leave or kick him out, so he just continues. He has no reason to stop. If he really believed in your marriage and wanted it to work he would, but he doesn't. And because the boundaries keep changing he will stay in contact with the OW.

He is an arse. You can't go on like this.

OP - The reason you are in agony is because you are still forcing yourself to endure this situation. It's like getting a really bad burn from something, forcing yourself to keep touching the scalding hot thing, and wondering why it still hurts so much, and why you can't just get used to it.

In order to start to heal, you need to remove yourself from the thing which is hurting you. In this case, your absolute shit of a husband. Only when you're removed from him can you really start to heal.

To be perfectly honest, your husband is such a snivelling coward that if, by some bizarre twist of fate, it turned out you were my own mother, I would be throwing dad's stuff out the window. And I love my parents more than anything in this world.

Your husband has proved - by his ACTIONS - time and time again that he considers his right to do whatever the fuck he wants to be more important than your genuine, acute suffering. He just doesn't care.

He is a terrible husband, and he is a terrible father. A good father doesn't behave like this. A good father puts the needs of his family, and the well being of his household above his right to do whatever the fuck he pleases.

Please, please throw him out. At the moment you have absolutely no control. You are just sitting there waiting passively to see what he does next. You need to take some control over the situation, otherwise you will breakdown completely.

I imagine that you don't want to do anything as you think he'll run straight to the OW. Which he may well do. Where as currently you still 'have' him. Only he isn't a prize worth having, really.

Go look at yourself in the mirror, this life your living now is making you extremely unhappy. Only YOU can change that around, YOU can take control and lead YOUR life in any direction you want to.
YOU will have to be strong and it will be scary at times but also there will be times when you will be happy, content and extremely proud of how far you have gone.
The scary bit is the first step, take it then run with it. Show the world how strong you can be xxx

There is no option here except to get rid of this man.

You don't 'plead'. And you offer no further ultimatum. The only way you are going to feel happy and right within yourself is if you are now true to yourself.

You don't want to be with a lying scrote - so you decide not to be with a lying scrote. You don't give the scrote the power - you take the power and say 'you've shown that you aren't up to it. Goodbye.'

Think about this. What he is doing is demonstrating that having her - in whatever capacity - is more important than your feelings, your relationship, him and you. Just the same as if he was still having the affair. He's talked the talk when found out, so he doesn't lose his comfy life. But he cares no more for you now than he did when he was shagging her, and is still lying to you and making a mockery of any supposed 'marriage' between you.

That tells you all you need to know. You will not get what you want from this man. He's third-rate goods, if that. Can't commit, can't stay faithful, can't be honest, can't value his marriage. Can't stop lying.

He's setting himself up for the wobbly, uncertain, trashy, third-rate emotional life he's currently offering to you. Let him go have that as an excuse for happiness, but for god's sake don't join him down that lonely, unsatisfactory path when you've got about 100x more spirit, honesty and love in you. You don't need a man like this - nobody does.

He'll find that out. Just make sure that by the time you're hearing the third sob story about how the latest love of his life has thrown him out after she found out about that meaningless series of texts between him and the woman in the pub, that you're sitting pretty (and divorced, and secure and happy) and not the mug staring at his lying face across the breakfast table.

Denial is a protective measure. We don't want to believe it and when we finally do, ten-millions doubts and excuses and maybe's arise.

The worst nightmares in your head, the awful anxieties of 'what will happen now?' are just that, in your head, because in reality, it will hurt a lot in the beginning. But not for as long as you may fear.

But what kind of pain is worse? The pain/fear of the unknown-ness of being alone (short-term) or the pain of feeling lonely with your husband (every day for years)?

You know it is only a matter of time before he does it again, and again, and again and then he will leave you , ironically.

I stayed with my stbxh for far longer than I should have and put up with so much crap, it is pathetic! And I did it to keep that deep dark daemon of 'being alone' at bay. Now that I am on the other side of 'being alone', I know I was far more lonely and miserable that I'll ever be alone.

I was afraid of the unknown. But now that my new reality is 'known' to me, I'm not afraid anymore.

OP - Why don't we move on from talking about your husband. He has shown that he doesn't care and with each of your threads he appears even more of a shit than before.

What is stopping your from making the changes that you know you need to make to stop this agony? Are there financial worries? Are you worried you'll be lonely? Do you think you're keeping him away from her - prize that he is! Are you worried about the DCs?

Lots of us on this thread have been in the same situation as you and come out the other end much happier. If it's the practicalities that are stopping you from moving on why don't we see if we can help there?

Has Holdtight not been back since her post?

Holdtight quite often plucks up the courage to post then has to go away for a wee while once she has.

Holdtight, so many of us have been here. You want to believe you are loved and that your husband is trying and wants to be with you. But it will never work while he's in contact with OW. He's not putting you first, despite what he's saying. He's keeping a back-up. And he's making himself feel better by being nice to the OW because he doesn't want to face up to the fact he's made her feel like shit and lied to her about his intentions. He wants her to think well of him. In that process, he carries on making YOU feel like shit.

Are you worried about the finances? About coping on your own? Him supporting you and the DC? Whether he will move in with OW? All these are legitimate concerns but you need to start thinking practically about the worst that can happen and make a plan to deal with it. Once you've done that, you'll be able to let go of him (believe us when we say he's not really interested in keeping hold of you).

You will be ok. The ladies here can help you sort through any worries.

Thing is, even if he does move in with the OW it might be the best thing to happen. He will find out quicker what she is like and may turn out to be the worst mistake of his life. But whether he does that or not, Holdtight needs to tell him to leave. This gives her back some self esteem, gives her the upper hand and makes him really have a chance to realise what he could lose. When she makes the bold move to tell him to go because she has found further contact between them and she has had enough and doesn't know how she feels about him anymore, then things have a better chance of changing. She is not in marriage recovery. He is not a man trying to start afresh with his wife. He is a man very much still embroiled in his other relationship.

Hi holdtight, it's me. We talked on your other threads and I asked you to come up with a bottom line. This was the bottom line.

I admire your courage coming back and posting here when you've had such consistent and decisive advice before about this situation. From the outside it was clear that this was never going to be resolved without extreme action and that your husband was not able to respect you in the way that you (or anyone) deserves. Mostly because he does not believe you will follow through on anything. And he wants to keep in touch with the OW. And what he wants, he does. It is more important to him than the little you ask, the tiny thing you ask to remain in this relationship in which he has so wronged you.

I asked you to come up with a bottom line. This was it. You have no choice now, holdtight. You have to listen to your former self. I know your pain is immense and your fear is immense. But if you do not accept that you knew best when you set yourself this line, that you knew best for your marriage, for your sanity, for your self-respect, then you will never recover from this. You will not be okay. When we set bottom lines for ourselves and other people and do not deliver on them, we degrade out sense of self to such an extent that we cease to feel competent, worthy or alive.

Even if you write a letter, pack a bag and leave without confronting him, you have to end this, holdtight. I am not lecturing you. I am not telling you what you should do. I am speaking for your former self. I am standing up for the part of you that is brave and that knows she is worth something and has hope and future ahead of you. I know that is part of you. You have been so so strong so far putting up with this shitty situation so far. And you are actually very strong to return here too, knowing what the conclusion would be. You are brave and you are capable and you are kind. you must be. You can do this.

We're here for you, holdtight. You can do this.

Love Blood

Whoa!

She does not HAVE to do anything. It is Hold tight ' s life and no - one else's though it looks clear that her husband won't give up his OW.