Continued contact found between DH and OW after affair

[holdtight]

I have written previous threads about my DH's continued contact with OW 10 months after his affair and in supposed marriage recovery. However, he continues to lie about his contact with OW, who he is seemingly trying to keep as a 'friend' despite my pleas to quit contact. I feel the latest revelation (discovered further 'pally' emails this week on his locked iPad) is too much to bear. I have not told him what I've found yet. I've been preparing for the worst for months, trying to gain strength but can't bring myself to end it. In agony.

Totally agree with Finnsmum, self respect is what is needed.

Sorry to say this op but you seem quite desperate to hold on to your husband, why? He has not shown you any respect at all.

If you continue to let him behave as he has, you may as well give him your blessing to carry on his affair and continue to be a doormat.

All along I have been willing the OP to make different choices. However, I do believe that she has made the ones she felt were right in terms of her wedding vows and beliefs about marriage. She has wanted to be able to say, "I tried my best for my marriage". I don't think that reflects a lack of self respect necessarily.

I really hope that she is trying a different tack now, but if she isn't ready to yet, I hope that she feels she can return and talk about it here.

I'm still here. Thank you everyone. Dh is staying in the spare while he makes plans to leave. The high of the 'truth' led to more hysterical bonding but has killed my self esteem and I can't do this anymore. Found more stuff etc etc, a never ending spiral of lies.

What does he need to do to prepare for leaving? Packing a bag and calling a taxi takes an hour, tops. This is a stalling tactic. Please, please don't let him drag this out, and please for the love of all that's good NO MORE HYSTERICAL BONDING.

Let this be the end, holdtight, it's way past time you started putting yourself first.

Oh holdtight you poor poor thing. You sound desperate & exhausted. Make him leave. He's not worth your good heart & energy. Easier said than done, I know.

I don't think he's going anywhere OP.

He doesn't want to move to his parents as he doesn't believe you it is over and he doesn't want them to know what he has done. He cares more about them than you. I feel for you. Get him the fuck out. I bet by Christmas he is with the OW as he might as well be since you obviously don't want him . All part of the script.

Holdtight, I'm not gonna pass any judgement about your 'hysterical bonding', nor anything else to be honest! The fact, that you are still posting speaks volumes.

When you're ready to do what you feel is right, we will try and be here for you. Take care of you! xx

Thinking of you hold

Have also done the short lived 'hysterical bonding'

No judgement on this thread

Sorry it has finally come to this.

You have done everything to try and fix this. Unfortunately your H didn't. This is his failure not yours.

holdtight so, so, sorry. No one could have tried harder.

Some people just don't realise how lucky they are until they have lost everything. Your H is a very stupid man. He does not deserve you.

Hi hold

The more lies aren't surprising. You know this will never end. I think it's fair to say from these threads that you don't easily express as much emotion as some people would in these circumstances. I suspect you have a problem with anger particularly.

You really really need your anger now, sweetheart, You need to re-look at the messages, the lies, the massive, massive amount of humiliation he has heaped upon you. You need to think hard about how this man has forced you to crash through your own bottom lines, over and over again, has lied to your face over and over, (the party! the emails! the phone call! It's jaw dropping!) and then HE has been the one who cried when you found the horrible truth. Not you. HIM. Like a pathetic toddler caught stealing. And then wheedled back into your bed and made you have sex with him and be intimate with him again, because you have been so hurt and desperate, him pretending to give you the reassurance and honesty you so crave but actually doing it to give HIM the reassurance that you aren't going anywhere and he can do as he pleases.

You need to find that anger and hold tight to THAT now, hold tight, even for just a few minutes, and you need to go in to him and say, 'I am going out for a couple of hours, when I return you will have gone. You Will. Be. Gone.' You need to get OUT of his orbit, hold. When you are around him you seem to lose your fucking mind. No offense, love, but you seem to be a mouse, just believe his cruel nonsense and feel sorry for his pathetic, selfish crocodile tears and narcissism. Get. Him. Out. Love. You will be a shell of yourself if you don't. Get him out and begin rebuilding the self-esteem he has systematically and carelessly destroyed week after fucking week, month after fucking month of these boring, boring, weak-ass lies.

You can do this.

It's a hard thing to face when someone you view as your 'love' is actually your enemy. I'm sorry this is happening to you. But that is how he is treating you. Like his enemy, someone to destroy. I hope you can find it in you to face this somehow and to accept it. Your life will be so much better once you do.

Holdtight, it must be awful having him in the spare room and feeling the way you do. I so wish you would pluck up the courage to say to him - just go today. It will be difficult but you really will feel as if a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.

But that aside, Im very sorry for what you are going through.

It can't be a surprise. People have told you this all along - there'll be more lies, continuing betrayal and a growing lack of respect and dignity. It's perfectly understandable that you had to take things at your own pace and try things your way, but when are you going to get angry and regain some self-respect?

We have all been telling you this. Even as outsiders we knew he will still in contact with her and all the evidence was there but you chose to ignore till just recently. It really is your choice now, you either put up with her being part of your marriage or you move on.

I would say the majority of women would have kicked this man out by now, you have allowed this to just drag on, on...Let us know but I got a feeling you will put up with her being there so you can keep this love god. He must be very good in bed to have two women fighting over him!! and he isn't even young, 50 years old and living the dream with two younger women fighting over him. Makes me weep for the female sex.

What a terrible three years he has given you.

I hope he leaves. I fear he is still doing his 'devastated' thing.

wishing you all the best.

Hi OP -

You sounds so exhausted.

For your own sanity, please tell him to just get out. NO-ONE needs more than a day - TOPS - to arrange somewhere else to stay. Even if it's a hotel for a few nights. The fact he seems to be lurking in the spare room suggests that he STILL isn't taking you seriously, and thinks if he just backs off a little, then you will come running back to him.

At very least, we have been right about everything up until now. So please listen to us now - KICK HIM OUT.

And make damn sure that you tell people why you are divorcing. Hell, I hope you still have evidence of it - that way he will be forced to pay your legal costs.

Hold, many of us (I have namechanged) have posted on your previous threads with advice and support. There is no "we told you so" but you really MUST grow a pair of balls and get FUCKING ANGRY to be able to move on. He does not need to move into the spare room to prepare for moving out. This is NOT an amicable parting of the way (in which case the spare room scenario could be OK). He has continually throughout a large part of your marriage treated you like a doormat and fool and lied to you time and time again.

That is not acceptable and you need to do something other than allow him to continue to call any shots as he sits fit while you mope and cry and act like a browbeaten woman. He'll be enjoying you behaving like that. He has called the shots the entire time. YOU now need to find your inner strength and kick the fucker out. If need be, when he is out at work, chuck his stuff into bags and leave it on the doorstep. Do not let him back in.

I realise that may sound tough but, really, you will get back some self-esteem and self-respect by finally showing some strength and backbone and taking charge of YOUR life.

How are you doing holdtight?

How are you doing holdtight?

Hi Holdtight, I just popped in to say that once Friday comes I will only have intermittent access to the internet for just over 2 weeks. Im going away on holiday but I'll be thinking of you and if I can nip in at some stage I will.

You know what will bring about future happiness for you as painful and awful as the thought of it seems right now. I know its nightmarish but Im quietly confident you'll go on to better life even though there may a few false starts along the way.

Look after yourself and remember that near and far there are women thinking of you and wishing the best for you as well as way much less hurt and pain in your life.

xxxxxxx

Please just kick him out. I know it's hard, but do it for your own sanity.

How are you doing OP?

How are you Hold?

Thinking of you