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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Continued contact found between DH and OW after affair

126 replies

holdtight · 19/09/2014 22:06

I have written previous threads about my DH's continued contact with OW 10 months after his affair and in supposed marriage recovery. However, he continues to lie about his contact with OW, who he is seemingly trying to keep as a 'friend' despite my pleas to quit contact. I feel the latest revelation (discovered further 'pally' emails this week on his locked iPad) is too much to bear. I have not told him what I've found yet. I've been preparing for the worst for months, trying to gain strength but can't bring myself to end it. In agony.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 20/09/2014 17:50

No offence, fox, you are right of course that no one HAS to do anything. But there's history here. Holdtight has said in previous threads that if DH contacted OW again, she wants to end it. She is now struggling with that reality. Because it is really hard. Yes holdtight knows best. And she's the one I'm quoting.

Angleshades · 20/09/2014 17:54

Holdtight just want to send big hugs and Flowers. Whatever you decide to do I hope it works out best for you. I can see from the threads you don't seem to be ready to leave yet but I hope you find a way to get through this and move on at some point whether or not it is with your husband. I'm not going to shout ltb but you do need to put yourself first and make whatever decision suits you and your children best. Good luck.

My sister spent an exhausting 10 years sadly trying to get her unfaithful man to change his ways. Eventually she met someone else and left and has never been happier. Her ex spent a long, long time moping for her after she'd gone. Karma came and bit him on the bum ha ha!

FinnsMum19 · 20/09/2014 18:00

How are you OP?x

Sickoffrozen · 20/09/2014 19:25

Women are given this dream of happy ever after and marrying a prince from a very early age and sadly reality is rarely like that!

This is a case where it is not like that. You can only hold on for so long before you have to let go, sad as that may be.

Fairenuff · 20/09/2014 19:54

Surely this cannot be a surprise to you OP. He has consistently kept in contact with her since you found out about her almost a year ago. What makes you think that would change?

I posted on your thread back in March OP and I really think you should go and read it again yourself. Is this thread going to be a carbon copy of that one?

On Monday 28 July this year, you posted this - If he cannot break all ties with ow I am out.

What now?

Just ask him to leave. It doesn't have to be forever, just ask for a bit of time and space to decide what you want to do.

Or do nothing and carry on accepting that this is how you are going to live your life. It's your choice.

UptheChimney · 20/09/2014 20:15

Eventually she met someone else and left and has never been happier. Her ex spent a long, long time moping for her after she'd gone. Karma came and bit him on the bum ha ha

I love karma

Rebecca2014 · 20/09/2014 21:33

I am not surprised. There were many hints but you kept turning an blind eye to the whole situation.

BettyNettle · 20/09/2014 23:15

Holdtight. I am sorry to hear you are having a really hard time, and I am sorry you are in a situation like this. But please think about all this life energy you are wasting on this man, on trying to keep this man, and on this ill fated relationship.

And think about what else you could do with this energy... I think that may be your biggest regret in years to come. I hope you find strength.

(Now, if you were happy to share your DH and are generally content with your setup and this wouldn't sap the life out of you then I'd say, ok, live like this and follow your other dreams, but I doubt that you have resources to do much else than holding on to your DH for the life of you.)

Have you talked to a RL friend about this?

Only1scoop · 21/09/2014 06:08

Hold.... you seem to start your threads and we don't hear from you very much ....which is fine as you know we are all here for you....however it's awful to hear you are 'in agony'....as pp said a while ago....lets concentrate on you. You know about the continuing betrayal and disrespect from him. You and your dc are important now....what do you want to happen next?

So sorry ....it's a horrible time for you.

holdtight · 21/09/2014 18:43

Sorry I have been in a real mess but I have been reading the replies and am thankful, particularly the regulars who are still here for me despite how frustrating it must be.

I have told dh about the latest discovery. It has also transpired that ow WAS at the mutual friends birthday party and dh knew before he went. The phone call was her also, and he said he felt he owed her an explanation and to say goodbye. He has broken down, says he doesn't know why he did it, says its out of morbid curiosity and nothing more and that he loves me. They are not sleeping together and in ow's latest email she tells him she is getting on with her life and in his reply he says he is too and that he is happy - something at least.

I know I have to follow through with my ultimatum or this will just carry on. I am going to ask him to stay at his parents for a while, they live locally, so I can think about things.

OP posts:
magoria · 21/09/2014 18:50

She was at the party - he lied.

The phone call was to her - he lied.

He is still sending and receiving emails (he said he was going NC) - he lied.

In his reply he says he is too and that he is happy?

He says they are not sleeping together?

How can you believe a word that comes out of his mouth?

Vivacia · 21/09/2014 18:52

I don't know what to say.

BloodontheTracks · 21/09/2014 18:53

Good on you, hold tight. And thanks for coming back. I really genuinely think it shows great courage on your part. I am so glad you know the truth about some of those things now. I humbly suggest you revisit those old threads now, in the knowledge that she WAS at that party and that deleted phone call WAS her and try and think about yourself as you would a good friend. it is so awful to see someone you care about treated that way. Right now you will be 'high' somewhat on the honesty of his confession. This tends to produce a sort of 'hysterical bonding' along with a sense, finally, of being in control. And that adrenaline can be useful. Sometimes it can make people hopeful about a future that they think has 'finally' become honest and positive.

However. Just be aware that these 'confessions' have come about through your discovery. Not any great character change on his part. He has simply, over and over again, deceived you and done whatever it is he wants. Until such a point that he has found out. I would also point out, without wishing to be doomy, that that which we discover about infidelity is, most of the time, the tip of the iceberg. The vast majority of infidelity goes undetected in life, so when we find stuff out, it is a safe assumption (not always true, but safe) that there is more, sometimes much more, than we know.

I am very glad you are getting him out of the house. Please know you can come for support here. Sometimes, when we are in pain, we so desperately need support and affection that we return to the person who is responsible for causing that pain, because they are the person we are used to being loved by. it is very very important you try and find affection and support from other sources right now, so that you can be sure that whatever you do next if based in a reality of what you want, rather than a need for someone close who loves you.

Please follow through on this, hold. Please. No matter what he says. If not, I really believe you will regret it forever.

With respect

Blood

BloodontheTracks · 21/09/2014 18:57

I feel totally shocked that he went to that party with her there and the phone call thing. Just totally shocked.

This is so so terrible, OP. So awful. I'm not sure you can see yet how absolutely terribly he's treated you.

Aren't you angry? I'm angry on your behalf!

We told you each time, sweetheart. Each time we said there's no other explanation, we said, and each time he's proven to be an almost psychopathic liar. How can you possibly, POSSIBLY want to ever talk to him again?

UptheChimney · 21/09/2014 18:57

Oh, HoldTight that is so so tough. Good luck whatever you decide to do. You don't have to do anything for a while: you must be in shock.

Only1scoop · 21/09/2014 19:01

So glad you came back Hold....

Bloods post is so apt....particularly the part re the 'confession' coming via 'your discovery'....the almost hysterical bonding I have experienced in the past....

He has been discovered he has lied....and lied again....

Re asking him to leave ....this is crucial now ....whatever happens down the line.

Thinking of you Thanks

BloodontheTracks · 21/09/2014 19:02

"he says he is too and that he is happy - something at least."

Oh god this is absolutely breaking my heart.

SOMETHING AT LEAST

hold, don't you see how fucking tragic that sounds?! What you are clinging too. WHAT ABOUT YOU? ARE YOU HAPPY? Why are you so sadly clinging to HIS happiness as being your source of being okay.

It is really really upsetting, hold. I'm sorry. But until you are ready to see this and seriously leave, you are in a state of just responding to him and having no autonomy of your own. Get him out. Get him out now. And then begin rebuilding yourself. The longer you leave this the more you seem to rationalize and kill the anger inside yourself with this sad, blank expectation of nothing.

BloodontheTracks · 21/09/2014 19:04

"it has transpired..." it sounds like he didn't even tell you this but was forced to somehow.

:(

what a total shit. i just can't.

FelicityGubbins · 21/09/2014 19:13

I feel the same blood Sad if I knew where they lived I would go round and fucking batter him for being such a total bastard, I actually can't believe what a fucking cunt he is. Please boot his arse out tonight holdtight and finally get some peace x

friendlymum67 · 21/09/2014 19:17

Op - I don't normally post on these types of threads, it's too close to home. I have been in your position and my heart goes out to you. There is no easy 'rule book' solution. My ex was very similar in maintaining contact with the OW after 'promising' me he wanted our marriage to work - I was desperate for it to work, I didn't want to throw 16 years away and had 2 young children - but as time went on I did grow stronger and I realised enough was enough!

Obviously it was an awful time and I was heartbroken/devastated/furious but I realised, probably thro intense anger and loathing that it was the only way forward.

I don't know all the background to your story but you will find a way thro this. I remember someone saying to me it's like a bereavement, you are grieving for your marriage.

So sorry that you are having to deal with this Flowers

BrowersBlues · 21/09/2014 19:31

Holdtight I have followed your thread from the beginning. It was no surprise to me, a complete stranger, that the OW was at the function and that your husband has been in contact with her. I am going to tell you something that happened to me. My children knew all along how destructive my marriage to their father was and despite me thinking they didn't notice it turns out that they did notice. I live with those reprecussions.

I was reared in a family where my parents had a difficult relationship. Myself and my siblings could not wait to get away and to this day we all believe they should have separated to save us the trauma of witnessing such a dysfunctional relationship.

Both of my chidren who are 16 and 18 feel the reprecussions even though I split from their father when they were younger than two years of age. They have both been through therapy. It now appears that my DS who is going through a very difficult time with anger management issues has been traumatised by the crap reationship I had with his father even though he never lived with his father. For your sake and for your children's sake grit your teeth and show your children that you won't put up with this shit because believe me it is impacting on them.

I have been single for long periods of time and believe me it is not as scary as being treated like a second class citizen. Stop behaving like this and get some sef respect. I know I sound brutal but you need a wake up call.

Fairenuff · 21/09/2014 21:06

I am going to ask him to stay at his parents for a while, they live locally, so I can think about things.

Do that OP.

Tell him that you need some time to think over what he has done and what he has said.

Tell him, if he has any tiny trace of love or care for you, to do this one thing.

Tell him to move out.

If he won't do that for you then tell him you have no option but to take advice from a solicitor.

Have you told anyone in rl yet?

Vivacia · 21/09/2014 21:08

What Faire just wrote? That's what I wish I had written earlier.

BloodontheTracks · 21/09/2014 21:21

Please come back here after you have told him to move out, hold, so we can support you.

holdtight · 21/09/2014 21:34

I just don't understand why he's jeopardising everything we have, that we've built together, our years of history, happy times, the dc, just to exchange a few mundane messages with ow (and i have seen them, so I know the content). I have asked him to move to his parents while I get some headspace. He's devastated, crying, begging.

You are right about feeling on a 'high' that I have finally got to the truth. I will stay wary of it as you are right - it almost feels like the healthiest place we've been in a while.

OP posts: