Continued contact found between DH and OW after affair

[holdtight]

I have written previous threads about my DH's continued contact with OW 10 months after his affair and in supposed marriage recovery. However, he continues to lie about his contact with OW, who he is seemingly trying to keep as a 'friend' despite my pleas to quit contact. I feel the latest revelation (discovered further 'pally' emails this week on his locked iPad) is too much to bear. I have not told him what I've found yet. I've been preparing for the worst for months, trying to gain strength but can't bring myself to end it. In agony.

oh fgs woman. He is only devastated that he has been caught - again!

I really do not understand why we (women - myself included) take so much utter crap from men for the sake of what? Having a partner? Being in a relationship? Not being alone?

OP You have had so much advice but somehow I feel you still don't get it!

He does not care about anyone except himself.

Too little too late from him. He thought he could fool you and no would never follow through with making him leave. He is crying for himself-not for you.
Stick to your guns-he has to go. Remember he crossed your final line.

No one says it has to be forever but now you have the truth you can decide what YOU want to happen next.

Stick to your guns Op....

Even if you decide the move need not be permanent.

His tears are at being discovered....his embarrassment and the fact that you are quite rightly asking him to move out.

He finds it easy to lie and if Ow hadn't moved on he may well still be pursuing her. It seems to have been him instigating the recent communications....

You are getting your strength back Op don't surrender to a few crumbs of supposed 'truth bonding'...that feeling seldom lasts.

Stay strong have a good clear think....

Sending a huge hug and yes a v Un MN big one x

OP

I think I know where you are at.

I had absolutely no support, no friends, no family that I could turn to. I put up with so much abuse. My head was fried! Honestly I did not know up from down. Constantly questioning myself.

If I had had MN my life would have been so different :)

For once in your life you have to put yourself first. Please listen to all the good advice on your thread. I think you will find that it is unanimous.

Being with someone who can treat you this way is not good for you.

I do hope you can find your way forward, out of this mess.

As far as he was concerned there was no risk. You had shown over and over that you would put up with any lies he cared to dish out. So he could do what he want without a care.

Those mundane messages to and from her meant more to him when he was sending them than you or your DC.

He is begging and crying because he has been caught out again. He is feeling sorry for himself. That he has been caught out again. That you have grown some and are finally showing him that there are consequences for his careless, deceitful behaviour.

He doesn't care that you are upset. Just that there is finally a consequence for him.

Don't ask him, hold. Tell him. You need to stop living 'around' him. You need to be an active participant here. Even 'asking' him to leave makes him the active one and you a responder to his reply.

Hold, please, try and see.

Crying? Like he did when you saw the deleted call on his phone? Like he did those other times when he was caught out.
He's fucking pathetic, love. I now you are emotionally affected by him and so probably moved but how many times does he get to pull this shit. The fact you respond emotionally to him makes you less objective to what's going on, not more.
From the outside he seems like a cartoon fucking rat. Like a jack the lad who goes out, does whatever he wants, leaves you with the kids, fucks around a bit, falls for someone else, just does whatever he wants and you just....tend to him. I don't know. Just react. like a sad, put upon mum. And he just doesn't really view you as...real.

Please be wary of what you are feeling. This always comes with a confrontation. It's really really sad that you need to confront him with his own pathetic, cruel, psychopathic lies to feel intimate with this man. The rest of the time, if he had this way, you would be in a cold, unintimate, lie of a marriage in which you questioned yourself all the time, feel the need check up on him behind his back, and feel pathetic and suspicious and ignorant. He's taking you for a fool, hold. I don't take that lightly but he is. Absolutely nothing he has done has any indication he will behave differently in the future. NOTHING. He has behaved exactly the same as every other time he was caught out.

You're not hearing us.

Why on earth are you still looking at it from his point of view? 'I just don't understand why he's jeopardising everything we have...' Don't you see? Because that's what he DOES. He just does whatever he wants. And he wants to stay in touch with OW because he misses her and he likes the ego boost of her contact and her presence in his life and he doesn't really give a shit if that hurts you if you don't know about it blah blah blah. And then he lies to you about it. That's why. Just cos he wants to. Don't you see? And on the odd occasion he is caught out he cries. And you pretty much immediately forgive him and take him back. I'm not saying it's fully conscious but that's what he does. That's who he IS. It's NOT A QUESTION OF YOU UNDERSTANDING WHAT HE's DOING, lovely. That's completely blindingly obvious. It's you starting to understand WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

I just don't understand why he's jeopardising everything we have, that we've built together, our years of history, happy times, the dc, just to exchange a few mundane messages with ow

He obviously thought it was worth the risk.

He has to face the consequences now, hold, he has left you no other option. What are you supposed to do, just accept this. Again.

You can't, he has to leave.

Once he's gone you can take your time deciding what you want.

Holdtight He is jeopardising everything because he still has strong feelings for the OW. He may want it to work with you and he may be confused but he also still feels he wants her too.

You making him go is the only chance your relationship will have to work. You have to make him go so that he can see what he could lose. Telling him means nothing. He has to feel you are serious and you have to go through with it. If you don't then he will continue to contact and see her. He will.

Holdtight, this is just to say Im thinking of you.

xxxx

Just came back to say the reason you feel on a high is because all along you really did know deep down inside that something was still going on, that you were being lied to, that this woman was still inside you marriage and your husbands heart and head.

He tried his best to confuse you and make you believe his lies but you knew the reality. You just needed time to digest everything because lets face it who the hell would ever want to think a loved one was capable of all of this and actually be the person they very obviously are.

Hang on to the 'high' you are feeling. Its your reality, your instincts were right all along, its why you kept on searching. It will see you through times ahead.

Like Blood on the tracks, I recommend you read your old threads - your DH's devastation, crying and begging does feature an awful lot.

Yet he continues on his own sweet way, screwing you over. I suppose this time 'it's different?'

Hold, I really feel for you and agree with a lot of what others have said.

Ultimately you don't need to understand why he did this. He hurt you tremendously through his affair and you showed him that your love for him was such that you wouldn't give up on him, that you would give him a second chance. He has well and truly blown it.

It's not about how he feels about you, about her or anything else. It's about how you feel. You can hold your head up high (new nickname?!) knowing you were fair and loving and everything you could be to try to get through this together. No one can single handedly make a relationship work and whatever he feels or says he feels his behaviour is still undermining your relationship.

Very glad you have asked him to move out. I would encourage you to get in to the head space where you genuinely see this as over. Women all over the world raise kids on their own and you are no different to any of them. Start making plans for your happy future!

Has he gone? How are you OP?

How are you Hold?

Not in the least surprised, we all tried to tell you holdtight, a man who genuinely wants to save his relationship doesn't carry on the way your OH did and still is.

He has zero respect for you and will continue to rip away at what is left of your self esteem - if you let him!

Please grow a backbone, love yourself just a little bit and tell him to piss off - I'd rather live in a shed on my own than share my life with a man who clearly thinks it's ok to shit all over you.

You either stay and suffer or you move on and give yourself a chance to be happy.

Hi again hold,

I really put my weight behind the recommendations of others that you go back and re-read your old threads - as painful as that may be.

There is a pattern here so clear it could be paint by numbers.

The pattern goes:

Your husband lies to you

You can tell your husband is hiding something so do some digging

You discover your husband has been lying to you

Your husband gives you some sob story, gives you crocodile tears and makes empty promises

You "put your foot down" and agree to carry on.

Ad infinitum.

I am not trying to be harsh, but you have to recognise that this will never end.

And your question about why he is jeopardising everything?

Because he doesn't love you, or care about his family. Sending pointless texts to the OW means more to him than you do.

OP - he really does not love you. His actions have proved that time and time again. I wouldn't treat my worst enemy in this way.

My dh broke contact, put himself into our marriage 100%, never waivered and is steadfast in what he wants, me. He's still like that 7 years on. If I found out he'd been in contact with OW it would be a deal breaker for me, then and now.

Hello Holdtight, just to send a gentle squeeze your way and to say you've not been forgotten. xxxx

The bottom has been reached and maybe why you feel high. You cant mend anything until you have reached the bottom. Asking him to stay at his parents means you are exerting a bit of control and that must feel good. Keep that in your head... this has all been about two other people whom you have watched affect your life (despite efforts to the contrary) and now you are taking some control.
Dont be swayed by his emotion - that is a sign he realises the control is not solely his. Control and space will be of great benefit whatever you choose next. But dont rush it. This is a hard fought place you have finally reached. Use it wisely.

holdtight I've commented on all your threads now and I'm glad you've finally stuck to your bottom line. Until he leaves, your head will never be clear. And yes, his tears are not of regret, they're of self-pity. He knows you love him and he knows his tears will affect you deeply. That's emotional manipulation on his part. Please don't buy into it.

He's shown you time and again that you can't trust him, that his word means nothing, and that he's nowhere near 100% commited to saving your marriage. He simply likes the status quo because it's the easy option. Please, please stay strong in having him leave. Give yourself the space you so greatly deserve. I promise you that as wrong as it may feel at first, once he's out of your home for a while, the mist will lift and you'll see clearly for the first time in a long time.

Take care

Good God.

At least, at LEAST, you have got him out of the house.

Men like this make me sick. Devastated, crying, begging? WHAT THE FUCK FOR?!!! You TOLD him clearly what you needed from him. He CHOSE to say 'Fuck that - I'd rather stay in touch'.

That's IT.

If you listen to the 'crying and begging', you are setting yourself up for a life of misery. Because dodgy little chancers like this are the men who do it AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

And when you find out, next year, if you take him back, that actually yes he did meet her last month and they ended up in bed, he will cry and beg then too and weep his little heart out about how much of a 'mistake' it was, perhaps yes 'morbid curiosity'.

Or maybe it will be someone else. Who he 'couldn't understand why' he'd shagged/kissed/exchanged inappropriate texts with. Cry beg cry beg! Oh, good. You've forgiven me. Actually, I think I will send one last text, I wonder how she's doing...?

This is all EASY STUFF. He's betrayed you and you discovered it and his response is to CONTINUE TO BETRAY YOU. Because what he SAYS is meaningless, what he DOES tells you everything you need to know. He's a cheat who continues to cheat. If you stay with a cheat, you get cheated on.

At least, at LEAST, you have got him out of the house.

Well, let's not jump the gun.

Good point Vivacia...

Op - if you've not already done so, find the best family law firm in your area (you might need to ask friends to recommend).

Make an appointment for a free half hour of advice.

Whatever your hopes are for your marriage, go to that appointment.

It seems so scary now because it's unimaginable, but you can take control

He needs to understand that you get to choose now, not him.

Make an appointment with Relate, for you. You can talk on the phone if it's difficult.

Don't be afraid to discuss with your GP, anti-depressants can help you through a difficult time.

Nurture yourself. Keep yourself warm, seek out people who love you. Remember - the fault is with him, not you. You will survive this. It's his job to sort out the mess he's in, he's got to grow up and pull his head out of - we all know where his head is. But by the time he does you may already have walked away. Wouldn't you like to be with another adult? And aren't you by now feeling just a bit bored by all their drama? Make yourself the central figure in your own life, I bet you're far more interesting.

good luck x

If the messages are so mundane, why is he even sending them knowing how much it would devastate you? To hurt you over something so pointless is worse than if they had any meaning.

His tears are not for the hurt he's caused you, they are for himself. Because he has lied, again, and been caught. Again.

You have no power here, don't kid yourself that putting your foot down, or issuing him ultimatums will make a bit of difference. He KNOWS what his actions have done to you, yet he continues to be in contact with this woman. Therefore, he is putting her above your feelings. She was at the party? WTF?! I would kick him out for that alone. What am absolute bastard.

I hope you finally see sense, have some self respect and fuck him off for good.