AIBU - DH and my changing appearance

[Volley2014]

I've always tried to be as natural as possible. Kept my mousy brown hair colour, accepted I don't tan in the sun, don't wear make up etc.

I'm in third trimester with DC1 and have put on a bit of weight and everything's bigger. As a result of preg I'm getting a few stretch marks and my hair has gone rather dull. So, for the first time ever I decided to get my hair coloured and to put on a bit of fake tan to make myself feel better. I also have started experimenting with make-up a little.

Well it's worked a treat. I feel great and I think I look good. It's not how i want to be forever but to make the negatives of pregnancy a little brighter, it's worked.

But DH's reaction has been off the scale. He cannot stop speaking about it. He wants sex on the kitchen table, in the bathroom, in public, morning, noon and night. This is a man who I had trouble getting to want sex with me every two weeks before this, let alone all this sudden passion, variety and running commentary. He was not even like this when we first met.

I have reacted badly. I want him to want me the same all the time. I don't like that he is turned on by this "fake" new look. I thought he liked me natural. He insists that he does, but that he prefers this.

AIBU (and puritanical) to feel annoyed about this? Instead of boosting my confidence, the increased sexual attention has depleted it. As although it looks good I don't feel that it is ultimately "me" and I don't want to continue doing it after pregnancy.

It also makes me think this slightly more high maintenance look is something he has always preferred over my natural, low maintenance look which I was so proud of. He has started sending me dirty texts with his fantasies and he never did that before. The change is alarming me.

What was his fantasy world before I changed my hair colour and skin colour and put on make up? Where was it focused? Certainly not on our marriAge (as evidenced by the previously scant sexual attention.)

I have told him a this and he just laughs and says he doesn't know what it is, he just likes it.

Am I just being stupid?

Is it possible that he is just finding your pregnant body exciting and erotic? Even he might think it's the tanner/hair color -- we don't always know the causes of these things. Can't you just enjoy it?

Maybe he likes the way you started feeling a bit better about yourself?

Hormones a go go I afraid, you really are over thinking this,

maybe the confident you, that feels better about herself, because she likes what she sees in the mirror, is shining through & that's what's turning him on, maybe it's the pregnancy body, my husband loved that time in our lives - it never occurred to me to be annoyed that it means he's not turned on by the real me - relax, enjoy & stop over thinking it :)

Seems a bit weird to me. Dirty dog.

I find this alarming and disconcerting OP. So you try to be as natural as possible, as close to the authentic you as you can be. Then because your pregnancy makes you feel a bit 'bleurgh', and you try a bit of hair colouring and make up, your H goes rather over board in his response to that, looking for sex more, sending you dirty texts, talking about his fantasies etc. So he is telling you he prefers the new 'faker' you to the more natural you, the you that you are actually comfortable. And the thing is, it seems that he thinks the 'new you' is somehow all about him.

I think you don't need to be questioning your reaction to him, but his reaction to the changes in you. Why does he feel he is more attracted to a faker version of you? Does he hold women in this light in general? That they need 'improving' on some level? What does this say about him as your life partner, husband, and father of your children, especially if that first child turns out to be female?

Also, I applaud you for recognising that there is a real and authentic version of you, that you want to be true to. Far too many times, women will capitulate to what society, fashion, other men/women expect them to look or feel, and it may not be a true reflection of who that woman actually is.

If I were to only hear of the stuff you Dh is doing I would wonder if he had maybe started something on the side. Or is about too. With you changing your appearance in many ways (am inuding pregnancy), could it be that you are being more confident?

What you did OP was to 'spice things up' - whether you meant to or not. You took more care in your appearance for your own reasons, you feel better as a result and he's responding to the new, brighter, happier you in a positive - if rather over the top - way. Doesn't mean that he was looking elsewhere previously necessarily. If you'd gone to all this effort to enhance your appearance and he hadn't noticed, you'd be completely ticked off.

You have made yourself more attractive. So your DH has responded in kind. But I do wonder if his low sex drive was because his attention was elsewhere porn

Maybe he feels that you wanted to feel more loved and were insecure and his response is to give you more sex (I know this doesn't seem the best response!)

Also how confident was your DH? Maybe he didn't feel confident to tell you what he really wanted before - I would be wary of pressure to keep up this appearance.

And sex "in public"?! Seriously?

Really?? You look that different with a bit of hair dye/fake tan??

That was my thought, Soulsister.

Ha ha good one

It may well be your new found confidence that is making you feel more sexy in yourself and so more sexy to him. This happened with me
And DH when I lost some weight. I felt really good about myself and our sex life was vastly improved because of it.

I think it's your pregnancy body. Fake tan and a bit of hair dye ain't going to do much. Perhaps he prefers you with a fuller figure.

Either way I wouldn't describe hair dye anda bit of fake tan as high maintenance.

I don't think we can really help what we're turned on by. He finds you more attractive this way. I'm sure, for instance, that there are things he could do that would make him more or less attractive to you - would you be as attracted to him if he grew a 70s style moustache?

At the end of the day, he married you because he loves you and finds you attractive. The fact that he finds you more attractive a certain way is neither here nor there. You can choose to do these things or not, the fact that he hasn't mentioned it before or pressured you in any way to do them suggests that, while he would miss it, he wouldn't be annoyed/upset with you if/when you choose to stop doing it.

There are a couple of things that my DH likes me to do to my appearance that turn him on - sometimes I do them, sometimes I don't. Similarly, if he wants to get laid, he knows he needs to shave because I don't like him scratchy. Isn't that kind of thing normal in a relationship?

I'm not sure it's so black and white.

My dh wants me because he loves me when natural.

But if I put on silk underwear, pin my hair up and and a bit of mascara he'd view it as me trying to be seductive towards him and he'd try and chase me round the table.

There's nothing more seductive than a woman who wants to have sex.

And making a tiny bit of difference to your appearance makes it look like you've done it because you want him more.

It's not rational but it is understandable.

My dh looks hot as hell in his suit with a bit of aftershave on. He's definitely more sexy then - in his tracky bottomed painting outfit less so.

It's not because I love him less but sexual desire is a little different - or we wouldn't be biologically programmed to fuck around and shop for sperm

He sounds a bit weird to me. Sorry.

'He sounds a bit weird to me. Sorry.' Oh my this is mumsnet in a single soundbyte!!

You're making an additional effort, he thinks you look great and a bit different! Maybe he's always wanted you to put a bit of makeup on (but gets you don't like to so doesn't ask) and dyeing you're hair maybe makes you look like a new woman. Nevermind the pregnancy with all the changes that makes to your body.

He doesn't sound weird in the slightest!

I find this weird too. It seems a false tarted-up you is the only way he can get excited, and the real you doesn't do much for him. I also find strange the frequency and intensity of his passion. I'd find it puzzling and disturbing.
I don't wear make-up or colour my hair, as I'm a bit of a feminist and don't see the need to change my true appearance for any man. Luckily my husband likes me like that!

I think the only weird part is the transformation from 'zero' to 'last of the red hot lovers'. A bit of fake tan, some highlights and lipstick is falls into the bracket of 'good personal grooming' surely?

I don't think a bit of fake tan and hair colour is really that 'fake'. I'm sure you don't suddenly look like something our of TOWIE, do you? men barely even notice these things in any case! I think some of the responses on here are very harsh!

you said ' I feel great and I think I look good' - that is what will be turning him on! It's given you a mood lift, and that is the biggest turn on.

I work out a lot, I have quite a bit of toning. Physically, DH does NOT like it, he prefers the slim look, but the fact that I feel good and confident and sexy is what keeps him going and certainly sparked a renewed interest in our sex life!

People generally look a bit sexier when they've got a bit of make up on.

People are DEFINITELY sexier when they're feeling more confident.

Wearing make up and having a bit of fake tan does not mean you are fake or that your attractiveness is not real somehow - it's just complimenting your natural beauty. I wouldn't worry OP and it sounds like it's done good things for your sex life, no?

How is it weird?
Cogito and PANP are pretty much right.
If you put sexy lingerie on would you find it weird if he was turned on, or worry he didn't fancy you without lingerie?

Also, it's probably just a change, something different from the norm.

WTAF -,Only on MN

When the Feminazi pack sweep in on these threads, I sometimes think I have stumbled into another universe

IMHO lack of make up et al, does not a feminist make, what a bizarre concept The OP has clearly used a bit of make up etc for HERSELF, she likes it & her DH likes it too

The OP needs rational reassurance, not bizarre, man paranoid opinions

I'm with you Penises though mine is hot as hell in his leathers, quiffed, shaved & after- shaved up :)

Not so much so in the favourite holed, threadbare boxer shorts, which he likes to hang around the house in

Oops, I'm a bad person, I'm objectifying him & I obviously only fancy him when he sexes himself - I must be contemplating an affair or be a sexist bitch - FGS ladies - get a grip

Hope you feel happier OP

I don't think it's weird. I think it's nice - I know my partner fancies me and loves me - and sometimes if I dress up or colour my hair a certain way he finds me more attractive. Same as he is more appealing if he puts on a shirt. Also sometimes if you're with someone a long time things can get a little stale - so I think you've just inadvertently spiced things up. Also - if you start having more sex that leads to more sex...

It does sound a bit weird, but perhaps he's realised that you weren't feeling your best before, and the increased attention is designed to make you feel good about yourself?