AIBU - DH and my changing appearance

[Volley2014]

I've always tried to be as natural as possible. Kept my mousy brown hair colour, accepted I don't tan in the sun, don't wear make up etc.

I'm in third trimester with DC1 and have put on a bit of weight and everything's bigger. As a result of preg I'm getting a few stretch marks and my hair has gone rather dull. So, for the first time ever I decided to get my hair coloured and to put on a bit of fake tan to make myself feel better. I also have started experimenting with make-up a little.

Well it's worked a treat. I feel great and I think I look good. It's not how i want to be forever but to make the negatives of pregnancy a little brighter, it's worked.

But DH's reaction has been off the scale. He cannot stop speaking about it. He wants sex on the kitchen table, in the bathroom, in public, morning, noon and night. This is a man who I had trouble getting to want sex with me every two weeks before this, let alone all this sudden passion, variety and running commentary. He was not even like this when we first met.

I have reacted badly. I want him to want me the same all the time. I don't like that he is turned on by this "fake" new look. I thought he liked me natural. He insists that he does, but that he prefers this.

AIBU (and puritanical) to feel annoyed about this? Instead of boosting my confidence, the increased sexual attention has depleted it. As although it looks good I don't feel that it is ultimately "me" and I don't want to continue doing it after pregnancy.

It also makes me think this slightly more high maintenance look is something he has always preferred over my natural, low maintenance look which I was so proud of. He has started sending me dirty texts with his fantasies and he never did that before. The change is alarming me.

What was his fantasy world before I changed my hair colour and skin colour and put on make up? Where was it focused? Certainly not on our marriAge (as evidenced by the previously scant sexual attention.)

I have told him a this and he just laughs and says he doesn't know what it is, he just likes it.

Am I just being stupid?

And also way to go all those telling the op to talk to her dh. She has. He's not making the effort to have a serious respectful conversation in response.

But clearly it's still better to gloss over /ignore that, thus dismissing a core part of her concern and massively missing a huge part of the whole issue in your effort to fall over each other to remind everyone that as long as a woman is making herself look pretty and that's being rewarded with someone want to shag her constantly then everything's just fiiiine.

He's a man, like it or not they think differently about sex & I've never met a man yet who would worry that they are being objectified by sexual attention

This can't be serious?! All men are constantly gagging for sex and don't mind being treated like a piece of meat and/or any-face fantasy fodder? Talk about sexist!

Most of the men I've had sexual relationships with were twats, but they still didn't like this and I was duly ashamed of having tried it.

Volley, major props for your persistent calm in the face of a rather odd stream of replies! Either we've had a new influx recently, or your thread was moved from AIBU and people haven't noticed you're looking for proper Relationships input ...

FFS, no wonder men struggle to understand women!
Tell him you to stop sending the texts if you don't like them.

Most of the men I've had sexual relationships with were twats - That figures

& I meant by their partners, juggling here & not sure if I accidentally lost text, or forgot to type it

I give up now - hopefully the OP will have the common sense to realise people don't always post replies from an objective POV & make her own mind up

I hope you are okay volley & it all works out for you & you get your answers from your DH, & try & keep in mind that fantasy is just that, most people do it to some degree, be it sexual of otherwise, it's just human nature, he hasn't had an affair or something sinister - he's finding your new look attractive - it's still you, you are still the same person, for whatever his reasons, it's just spiced things up a bit that's all.

It doesn't need to be such a big deal, but I don't care what anyone says, pregnancy hormones as you admit yourself, make you emotional & maybe irrational too, anyone who doesn't get that, has either never had a baby, or got very lucky, so try not to make too much of a deal out of it now whilst younger vulnerable, think if your baby & yourself.

If you don't like the extra attention, then tell him to stop, if you don't like the texts, then tell him to stop, if you do, then great - you can kick his backside if it all changes later when you decide to go back to your usual look - which with a new baby is more sensible anyway - for most of us, post birth, low maintenance just happens - lol

Good luck

Op I'm really glad you've posted again and your last two posts are really interesting.

Given that this has been v v recent and you say coincided exactly with your appearance change, do you think there's a chance that, your dh has misinterpreted the changes as a deliberate massive come on on your part?

I was going to say that it was prob the pregnancy figure but if you're so sure it's not, then I guess it's either the above, or he just loves the look, or he's subconsciously really responding to you feeling good about yourself.

Either way I think he's being a bit tactless and insensitive in being sooooo ott in his reaction, and insensitive in not talking openly about to when prompted. I think you need to explain to him carefully how you feel and what you want from him in response.

I think you're all completely over-reacting.

The OP's husband probably read mumsnet, read how women can feel unattractive when pregnant and decide to turn up the dial to prove otherwise. The fact that she has made some minimal changes is coincidence.

Or maybe the OP's husband likes her new look in the same way as thousands of men like their partners in nice underwear. He appreciates the effort she is making. Is this disturbing? Hardly - he is showing appreciation. Do you prefer your partner sitting on the sofa in a string vest or all dressed up with aftershave on? It doesn't mean you hate the string vest look, just you like the alternative on special occasions.

There's no over-reacting here.

The OP has been married to a man who for many years has had to be persuaded to have sex just once or twice a month. She's coloured her hair and put on a tan and now he's all over her for the first time ever.

It IS a mystery. I would be as weirded out as the OP evidently is.

I just mentioned this thread and showed some of the overvreacting, goady, marriage wrecking frenzy, barking mad replies to DH

his take on it was very interesting - & very lovely & very likely what is behind the OPs DHs reactions too

DH actually teared up trust me, not normal for the huge hairy assed leather clad lump he said he remember the time for us well & yes he was like a dog on heat, I remember that well too, but my dress sense hadn't changed, I worked passed my due date & dressed for work - he said & I quote...

"The closer we got to you giving birth, the more the reality of the amazing thing that you & your body were doing, creating our child, I couldn't get close enough to you, couldn't get enough of you, I just wanted to be you, feel you, be as close as I could, every second I could, be inside you was as close as it gets & I never thought I could ever love you or anyone more, it was the most erotic I've ever felt, but it wasn't base instinct & sex at all, it was the most in love I ever thought it possible to feel & I just couldn't tell you that in anyway that would even begin to explain how I felt"

He never told me that at the time, so he just really shocked me :)

So perhaps your DH isn't so bad at all, maybe in his clumsy way this ^^ is what's going on with him too! but like mine, can only really verbalise it with hindsight

DH says to give him a break ;)

Rockin, before you were pregnant, did you really have trouble getting your DH to have sex with you once every two weeks?

Because this is what the OP is talking about.

Am I the only one who thinks once every two weeks isn't exactly the disinterested sexless relationship that seems to be implied???

That's what I - and probably everyone else - want to believe, Rockin.

But, I dunno, "it wasn't base instinct & sex at all, it was the most in love I ever thought it possible to feel" doesn't marry up with frenzied sexting, sudden outpouring of fantasises, etc. That sounds exactly like 'base instinct & sex' to me, rather than passionate melding of the sort your DH so movingly described.

Mind you, I could be wrong. As you passively-aggressively hinted with your snidey comment above, not all my experience has been ideal (though it has been extensive.)

Rock,that's lovely.If my DH had been so articulate,I know that's exactly what he would have said (25 years ago).
Volley,your hormones are playing havoc with the way you feel about yourself. You're having conflicting emotions about becoming a mother,and a sexual being. You can be both.
Embrace DH's attention. He'll feel completely left out soon enough.

Hardly passive aggressive Garlic as I was pretty direct, but I didn't mean to be snidely or aggressive, just that your attitude in posts has been quite telling, so I figured that was the case - that's all

& who knows what goes on for sure with the OPs DHs, none of us do, but I'm not so sure sure that feeding her paranoia over his behaviour, is the right thing to do to a heavily pregnant woman, who has already admitted that she is overly emotional & doesn't know where her head is at - it's just not kind,thoughtful or helpful & it's not like he's committed some major crime & there are plenty of non sinister explanations for him suddenly taking more if a sexual interest in his wife - plenty offered on this thread, though sadly drowned out by the negatives - which in the circumstances, IMHO is pretty low - it's not a soap opera, it's someone's life & he fancies his wife when she's pregnant FFS, what the hell is wrong with that - she hasn't said that he is forcing himself on her

John probably not, but we hadn't been married or living together for years at that time, as is the case with the OP - besides, the OP hasn't said that she's throwing herself at him in the past & he's turning her down & she's admitted to being very emotional etc, so hindsight in an emotional state isn't always that clear cut! there could be also rats of other factors at play

& Anna no you are not! I suspect for a lot of long term marriages, it's pretty good going actually

Willow mines not usually so articulate either, hence the shock :)

The rest of your post is spot on BTW, it's a difficult time for any mum to be & hormones are running amok, there's nothing sexist in that, just biology

I disagree that trying to empathise with OP's expressed feelings is worse than treating her like a silly little woman with her brain all addled by hormones, doesn't know her own mind, etc. How does insisting she can't understand her own self allay her confusion - or paranoia, as you call it?

It's obvious we disagree anyway, Rockin. I find this whole thread off-key, so it's probably best I ignore it.

Maybe you're beginning the pre-baby nesting stage and this is particular difficult to deal with because it is a change just before the massive change that will be the baby arriving? [If it were happening to me, I think I'd be worried that he'd be expecting lots of sex to continue after the baby was born while I was tired/caring for a newborn]

Is his desire appearing possessive of your body, rather than wanting sex for mutual enjoyment?

Can you tell him what you want? - that your body's feeling wrong(maybe not the right word) and you're trying out some things to help you feel better and it would be useful if he could xxx or yyyy.

I am 25 weeks pregnant and DH is just as turned on by this body as he was by pre- pregnancy body. I am starting to look very different and he just loves everything about me being pregnant- boobs, belly, skin.

No one is treating her like a "silly woman" but it is a biological FACT that pregnancy hormones especially at this stage can mess with your head, it's just natures way of shifting the emphasis onto baby by nesting etc, anyone who has gone through giving birth, surely must remember how that goes

hell I baked 2 dozen pies a few days before I went into labour - for no reason & only me & DH to eat them, I also almost bought a caravan we didn't want nor need on a whim & host of other things - that were pretty silly in the normal light of day, but it's not a normal situation is it

Yes best agree to disagree, no hard feelings

Night night

He's a man, like it or not they think differently about sex & I've never met a man yet who would worry that they are being objectified by sexual attention, they would be just happy to be getting it, so he is never going to see it from her POV unless it's explained point by point in simple plain English

Seriously? Are the men you know really really stupid... Or do you just think they are?

Twinkle if you insist on nit picking my reply, please do read my updated response to this piece first

Am I the only one who thinks once every two weeks isn't exactly the disinterested sexless relationship that seems to be implied???

Why not read the thread, AnnaRose?

OP writes that she has trouble getting him to want to have sex once every two weeks. He was not even like this when we first met
I had assumed all this time that he just wasn't very sexual and had settled for sex twice a month and lots of physical affection in between. His sudden high sex drive bordering on sex addiction is a complete bolt from the blue.

The OP's DH has changed massively and she is confused. Why wouldn't she be? I find the idea that she is just being silly/hormonal/ungrateful quite disturbing.

Don't know why you think I haven't.

^ That was to RockinHippy

It is the most normal thing in the world for men to think they prefer women without make-up, but actually to prefer women with makeup. Happens the world over. Your DH is just like everyone else.

you probably look fabulous in your makeup and coloured hair. Hes probably just rediscovered how attractive you are. He always loved you but now he feels its all spiced up. Dont overthink it, just enjoy it or wash the tan off and dont wear makeup, i dunno?