AIBU - DH and my changing appearance

[Volley2014]

I've always tried to be as natural as possible. Kept my mousy brown hair colour, accepted I don't tan in the sun, don't wear make up etc.

I'm in third trimester with DC1 and have put on a bit of weight and everything's bigger. As a result of preg I'm getting a few stretch marks and my hair has gone rather dull. So, for the first time ever I decided to get my hair coloured and to put on a bit of fake tan to make myself feel better. I also have started experimenting with make-up a little.

Well it's worked a treat. I feel great and I think I look good. It's not how i want to be forever but to make the negatives of pregnancy a little brighter, it's worked.

But DH's reaction has been off the scale. He cannot stop speaking about it. He wants sex on the kitchen table, in the bathroom, in public, morning, noon and night. This is a man who I had trouble getting to want sex with me every two weeks before this, let alone all this sudden passion, variety and running commentary. He was not even like this when we first met.

I have reacted badly. I want him to want me the same all the time. I don't like that he is turned on by this "fake" new look. I thought he liked me natural. He insists that he does, but that he prefers this.

AIBU (and puritanical) to feel annoyed about this? Instead of boosting my confidence, the increased sexual attention has depleted it. As although it looks good I don't feel that it is ultimately "me" and I don't want to continue doing it after pregnancy.

It also makes me think this slightly more high maintenance look is something he has always preferred over my natural, low maintenance look which I was so proud of. He has started sending me dirty texts with his fantasies and he never did that before. The change is alarming me.

What was his fantasy world before I changed my hair colour and skin colour and put on make up? Where was it focused? Certainly not on our marriAge (as evidenced by the previously scant sexual attention.)

I have told him a this and he just laughs and says he doesn't know what it is, he just likes it.

Am I just being stupid?

Could he be trying to help you up your confidence and be laying on a bit thick? If he knows you've been struggling and have made these changes to be more confident/ feel more attractive could he be showing you your plan has "worked"? Ask him to back off if he's weirding you out.

FWIW since I've met my husband I have been thin and I have been fat (currently most definitely fat). He loves make and finds me sexy either way but prefers me (as I do) thin. He is also more "up for it" when we are both dressed up for nights out. I prefer him clean shaven, but love him with stubble.

My long rambling point is I don't think him reacting to your changes means he hates the natural you, it's just different (a treat) and different is sexy sometimes.

Yeah, I don't get how his attentions are only worth something when you have a scrubbed face and dull hair.

Its not like he's seeing you as a different person. You're moaning about how he should have been hot for the "authentic" you, but its not as if someone put a gun to your head and forced a bit of slap on you against your will.

This was a conscious choice, by you alone, to make yourself feel better. In other words, this choice of appearance is as "authentic" as the old one.

I imagine you look flipping fantastic - probably better than you have in years, if you're honest. And you're offended cos he's hot for you?

Newsflash: the natural look that you were so proud of? Might not have been your finest look. It might not have done much for him, though he never would dream of letting on. Now you look 10 times better and its ticking every box for him.

You're choosing to turn this into a negative rather than a positive, frankly. All people are visual. We are none of us so pure that we wouldn't suddenly sit up and take notice if our husbands started working out and developed amazing shoulders and replaced their Dad bellies with flat abs.

When I was with my ex he didn't care at all what I was wearing, didn't notice when I did make an effort either which didn't make me feel great. We lived somewhere very rural so it was easy to stick on "farm jeans", the kind that are too big with holes in and stains all over, a baggy jumper and not bother doing anything at all with hair has nobody would see you for days on end.

I sort of changed my look quiet drastically when we moved. Me and him split up but not related to this. Anyway my new partner really likes it when I make an effort, he is great at giving compliments and enjoys me looking nice when we go out together. He makes an effort too where as ex never did, and I really like it. I think it's nice to want to look good for your partner (within normal limits), it shows that you want to be attractive to them and that you take care of yourself.

I'd say enjoy it OP. You are happy with your new look and so is your DP.

It's that no-win conversation isn't it?

Her: What do you think of my new outfit?
Him: You look amazing
Her: Are you saying I looked like a tramp before?!

I just think men are very visual. He can't help himself the hound poor lamb.

Well I think it's ok.
It's your increased confidence that's turning him on as well as looking great.
I went out last Saturday for the first time in ages and was dressed up, wore my heels and more make up than usual. Dh said I looked lovely then for the next few days was really affectionate and randy.
I joked with him that it was about time he remembered how gorgeous I was.
I didn't take it the wrong way and I don't think you should.

So you are allowed to think you look 'better' with a bit of hair colour and make up, but your dh isn't?

I don't think you're overthinking it, and I do think that when you bring up a detailed, important issue like this with your H and his response is to laugh and say 'Dunno!!', then he sounds like a twat. A shallow twat.

This is a man who I had trouble getting to want sex with me every two weeks before this, let alone all this sudden passion, variety and running commentary. He was not even like this when we first met.

This^^!

The scale of his change in attitude is odd. But apart from that, it's a good change, isn't it?

I understand where you're coming from - I love my natural beauty and don't often wear make up and don't like having to "improve" myself to look sexy.

BUT - I also like that I can be a vixen with some make up on and sexy in a different way.

I'd feel like I was wearing a mask/costume and would not feel comfortable OH devouring me when he wouldn't do it when I'm without the mask.

(Might just be me, I'm a bit insecure and don't feel myself with make up on - like I'm pretending to be someone else)

OP, I think you are overthinking this a little, and zazzles I think you sound absolutely bananas.

OP - You felt that you didn't look great, so you smartened up a bit, and your husband likes it. Unless you are severely understating the steps you took, I doubt very much you went from Waynetta Slob to Kim Kardashian overnight, and I think that all your DH is responding to is the fact that that you have cheered up a little about your appearance and are behaving in a more self-assured manner. Men are more responsive to confidence than the difference between "pale" and "level 1 tan". He almost certainly is unaware that your skin colour has changed.

Men can't seem to win on this sort of thing - if his face had dropped when he saw you and he'd said "Oh, I thought you were hotter before" then you'd be upset, right?

(There is also a difference between "natural" and "unkempt" - an adult finding another adult more attractive when they are looking happy and well groomed is not a feminist issue.)

If you feel great, and better about you, why is it so odd that he likes it too?

I've lost a stone and my OH likes that. So do I. Nothing sinister.

So I come for a bit of a Friday morning time waste and find that I've fallen through a hole in time and space into this weird Zazzlesverse.

OP's relationship has had a shot in the arm at a time when many others go in the opposite direction and she and her husband are gettiong flamed for it.

MN is a strange place sometimes

I get you, OP. It's nice that he appreciates your efforts to look good but ultimately you're doing the whole makeup, fake tan thing for yourself, not for him. And you don't want to spend the years after your pregnancy (congratulations btw!) feeling pressured to maintain the same high-maintenance look - unless you want to go back to sex getting doled out every two weeks. Then again, perhaps you both might want to enjoy your pregnancy honeymoon while it lasts - or ask him to reciprocate by putting a bit more effort into his own appearance (if that's what you'd like). Oh, and feminnazis? Really?

To be honest, I have always wore a little make up. But I would draw the line at such drastic changes as hair colour and fake tan.

You have to admit it, it seems like rather a lot all of a sudden? What was the real reason you decided to make such drastic changes to your looks?

Maybe it is the added confidence that turns him on?

Or maybe you have sent him into a panic where he thinks somebody else has turned your head and you are doing all this because you are fed up with him and want to attract another man? And he is now trying to woo you back with his renewed interest?

Your husband fancies you and wants to shag you, and you're complaining?

Some people are never satisfied!

Oh, and feminnazis? Really

Yes REALLY I'm all for feminism & taking no shit, trust me, I'm a ball breaker - but there's a whole other level on here & times & it smacks way more of head fucked up, man hater, intent in forcing their warped view of the world on female kind - than actual real feminism & Feminazi sums it up nicely thank you very much - zazzles post being a prime example

I'm with zazzle and hatespiders. I would also be uncomfortable with this, OP. You sound very similar to me in how strongly you are aware of the authentic you, how central to your wellbeing it is to preserve this authentic self and be true to it. And, perhaps most importantly, for it not to affect anything else in your life, or other people's reactions to you. If you're like me you just want your appearance to be, well, how you look, not some socially loaded complex message that other people have socially loaded complex reactions to and expectations of.

I think the people saying what you're doing now is just basic good grooming, and everyone is more attractive when they're a bit done up are just illustrating how powerful a hold societal expectations have on most people. I'll get flamed for that I'm sure. If they're truly happy in that place, then whatever, but I don't see how it's helpful to essentially negate another woman's experience of struggling with the conflict between her authentic self and others' expectations of her by saying 'nah, you're overthinking, it's fine, this is normal'. These responses don't give the OP a way of working through her feelings. They just say 'this is life, you should be happy about it, if anything'.

Sadly, OP, in responding instinctively to your own needs during your pregnancy, this has been complicated by your DH's reponse to you. Before I guess it was nice and simple in the you behaved how you wanted to, and it wasn't an issue for him or for you. His response wasn't part of the equation.

I think my main issue in your shoes would be if my DH was unable/not bothereed / not interested enough to have an intelligent, sensitive conversation about it. Which sounds like the case here.

His reaction can't be helped, or undone - and as other people have said it could be largely due to your pregnancy figure and confidence. Or it could be the novelty factor. Or your new appearance per se. But it should be an opportunity to explore both your responses to the situation in a mutually respectful way.

I suppose the reality will become apparently when you go back to your previous habits and see how he reacts.....

At least you know how to turn your dh on when you want to now op! I don't see it as a problem - most people probably know that if they do x, y or z it will be a turn on to their partner (just getting naked works best for me!)

"I think the people saying what you're doing now is just basic good grooming, and everyone is more attractive when they're a bit done up are just illustrating how powerful a hold societal expectations have on most people"

The OP themselves said the following... ^So, for the first time ever I decided to get my hair coloured and to put on a bit of fake tan to make myself feel better. I also have started experimenting with make-up a little.
Well it's worked a treat. I feel great and I think I look good.^

They're not responding to societal expectations and don't appear to have factored making themselves more attractive to others into the mix... hence the alleged shock at the enthusiastic reaction of their partner. They've made themselves 'feel great and look good'.

Running commentary ?? - I've slept with two men who did this, and it was really offputting. I surmised they were heavy porn users. Turned out I was right.

Whether it bothers you the same way depends on you, of course.

Am I the only one who still feels 'authentic' despite hairdye, tanned legs and makeup?

You like what you've done to yourself OP, why shouldn't your DH like it too?

Do you find him equally as attractive whether or not he's showered, shaved, combed his hair, been out in the sun?

OP I totally understand

I don't understand why people are treating this as the usual 'spicing things up' scenario, injecting a bit of difference into a sex life gone stale

The OP says he has never been this attracted to her, not even when they first met. The whole time they're together she has to push him to have sex twice a month, now she changes her look and he's all over her?

Take away the type of physical change. Imagine your normal look is fake tan and highlights, your husband is never that interested in you sexually, then you have a big 'makeunder' and go natural and all of a sudden he can't get enough. Wouldn't you be a bit upset? And what if you liked the natural look but just as a phase and wanted to eventually go back to the 'real you'. Wouldn't you feel like you couldn't, without losing your husband's interest?

I can totally see why if you never got this much sexual attention from your husband except when you drastically changed your look, it would be upsetting. I don't think saying it's pregnancy hormones or feminazi propaganda is helpful.