AIBU - DH and my changing appearance

[Volley2014]

I've always tried to be as natural as possible. Kept my mousy brown hair colour, accepted I don't tan in the sun, don't wear make up etc.

I'm in third trimester with DC1 and have put on a bit of weight and everything's bigger. As a result of preg I'm getting a few stretch marks and my hair has gone rather dull. So, for the first time ever I decided to get my hair coloured and to put on a bit of fake tan to make myself feel better. I also have started experimenting with make-up a little.

Well it's worked a treat. I feel great and I think I look good. It's not how i want to be forever but to make the negatives of pregnancy a little brighter, it's worked.

But DH's reaction has been off the scale. He cannot stop speaking about it. He wants sex on the kitchen table, in the bathroom, in public, morning, noon and night. This is a man who I had trouble getting to want sex with me every two weeks before this, let alone all this sudden passion, variety and running commentary. He was not even like this when we first met.

I have reacted badly. I want him to want me the same all the time. I don't like that he is turned on by this "fake" new look. I thought he liked me natural. He insists that he does, but that he prefers this.

AIBU (and puritanical) to feel annoyed about this? Instead of boosting my confidence, the increased sexual attention has depleted it. As although it looks good I don't feel that it is ultimately "me" and I don't want to continue doing it after pregnancy.

It also makes me think this slightly more high maintenance look is something he has always preferred over my natural, low maintenance look which I was so proud of. He has started sending me dirty texts with his fantasies and he never did that before. The change is alarming me.

What was his fantasy world before I changed my hair colour and skin colour and put on make up? Where was it focused? Certainly not on our marriAge (as evidenced by the previously scant sexual attention.)

I have told him a this and he just laughs and says he doesn't know what it is, he just likes it.

Am I just being stupid?

I also think the question of whether fake tan/highlights is just 'good personal grooming' or super high maintenance/unnecessary is a very personal one.

The important thing is that the OP feels it's the latter, and I can understand why she wouldn't want to feel like she has keep up a high maintenance routine just to have a good sex life (especially when she's about to have a newborn).

The extent of his horniness seems extreme but considering the amount of MNers who come on and say that they're pregnant and their OHs won't go near them, I think you're rather fortunate.

Alternatively, how dare your DH fancy your new glammed-up self?!

Cogito I read the op's post thanks, so I an well aware that she feels good and thinks she looks good. I was saying other people's comments are an indication of the strength of societal expectations, not what she has done. Not sure how that wasn't clear in my post, but hey ho. Hope it is now.

No, NannyOgg, I feel 'authentic' whether or not I'm performing femininity. I only perform it when I know other people expect it, though. For me it's got nothing to do with how good I feel about myself - but I respect OP's feelings, including whether or not she wants a husband that only fancies her when she's primped up.

XH1, an avid porn fan, was only sexually interested in me when I sported a predictable array of makeup, clothes & accessories. I didn't feel he actually cared who was in them - he fancied the outfit, not the woman. After this experience, I made sure any new partner saw me au naturel very soon - and dumped them if they seemed to have gone off :)

Rockin, I thought Zazzles' post very succinctly addressed the op's concerns about her dp's sudden interest in this new version of her, who, while being more conventionally attractive and presumably more confident, does not correspond with her own image of herself, which I can imagine must feel incredibly alienating. But you've chosen to not only interpret this as a "head fucked up, man hater, intent in forcing their warped view of the world on female kind" position, but also to compare it to a genocidal war-mongering police state. Godwinned on page one...Here's another .

Sadly, OP, in responding instinctively to your own needs during your pregnancy, this has been complicated by your DH's reponse to you. Before I guess it was nice and simple in the you behaved how you wanted to, and it wasn't an issue for him or for you. His response wasn't part of the equation.

Indeed this might have summed something up for me in the OP. Exactly what response would have been acceptable to her?

Would she have been very contented for him not to have noticed at all? I suppose that would have confirmed he was utterly blind to her appearance, (or utterly indifferent).

Perhaps that would have been preferable?

Would it have been somehow satisfying if he had absolutely hated her new look? And had made passive agressive comments about preferring her before (even though she loves her new look herself?)

I honestly don't know what reaction she wanted - I'd love her to come back and say.

I also think that we are underestimating how much some men really dig pregnancy curviness. Not to be TMI, but my DH has rather unexpectedly turned out to be one of those. So it might not be just the "superficial" things at all - though they have undoubtedly contributed to the overall allure.

And there's nowt more authentic than a pregnancy body.

I want him to want me the same all the time.
I really don't think that's a reasonable or realistic thing to expect in a long term relationship. However, I do have a degree of sympathy with you because attractiveness can be a very difficult thing to work out.

my natural, low maintenance look which I was so proud of
I'm curious that you "so proud" of it. Why? It didn't require effort, so you can't be proud of all the work you put into it. So what then? It's not that it made you feel like a more superior authentic woman than all those "fakes", is it?

If it's only her pregnancy curves that are turning him on, why did he only get so horny after she also dyed her hair and fake tanned? She's third trimester, he had plenty of time.

As for what reaction she might have wanted I don't think she would be so upset if he was just really complimentary, a bit more interested in sex, clearly affectionate but there's a big difference between that and sending dirty texts all day and pestering for public sex.

All this talk of 'oh aren't you lucky your husband fancies you at least', well I wouldn't consider myself lucky to be getting porno texts all day just because I dyed my hair. He's treating her like she's a different woman just because she looks a little different.

I am struggling to totally buy into this thread, but assuming it's true, I think two things:

1. It's proof that pregnant, hormonally overwrought women are contrary and impossible to please.

2. I would be more than a little weirded out by a man who previously had a fairly low sex drive and was a very vanilla/straightforward sort of bloke, suddenly turning into a rabid sex beast who was texting me details his dirty fantasies. It would seem a bit creepy for him to behave so out of character.

Here - as some of you obviously like them so much - have a whole packet of biscuits

I could argue a point, but other than to say that I IMHO Feminazi sums up the drum banging, warped, but insistent stance that everywoman takes your view, or they are pumped up, painted out of inferiority & down trodden by the nasty male interloper - very nicely - I really can't be bothered.

Sadly it's exactly this over enthusiastic, drum banging, quite odd & very over thought out, take on feminism that I see on here quite often, that does feminism more harm than good

Thankfully I never encounter it in RL - funny that, makes me wonder if you are all really so effective in your spouting & indoctrination as you deem to be on here - I suspect not

& no Nanny you are not, it's such a silly idea to think otherwise - hell, men have been Peacocking it up for centuries - why should they have all the fun

Hoists up fake tits, fake tan, fake backside, waspy corset, silicon lips, face lift, tango orange tan, wig & waddles off in 7" heels

Out if here, RL battles to fight - have fun ladies

I'd be concerned that he'd been at least looking at pictures of women who look more like you do now than you did then.

I recently discovered the extend of my husband's internet porn habit, which stopped me wondering why he comments upon my physical appearance in the way that he does - not that he doesn't find me attractive - he assures & shows me he does - but that he'd prefer me bustier, blonder & fully shaven.

my natural, low maintenance look which I was so proud of
I'm curious that you "so proud" of it. Why? It didn't require effort, so you can't be proud of all the work you put into it. So what then? It's not that it made you feel like a more superior authentic woman than all those "fakes", is it?

Aside from the fact that this sounds really snidey and aggressive....

1. You have no idea how much 'effort' it required. Is the only effort worth any recognition that of applying make-up? Going au naturel can take great effort in terms of good diet, excercise etc so that it looks as good as possible.
2. Why can pride in appearance only equate to time/money spent artificially improving it or bitchy one-upmanship?

I for one also, like OP, would say that I am proud of my appearance. For me this is because it is an integral part of a complex emotional journey for me over 15 years, starting from a point of very low self esteem and unthinking response to family background and various negative experiences. I am proud because my current approach brings me peace and self confidence, and is at the same time a result of peace and self confidence. Personally, to me, and just to me, this an achievement. Other people will have completely different experiences.

This guy is weird however way you cut it. Ie if he is turned on by pregnancy curves isn't that somewhat weird and perverted? The dirty rat.

Well, we can presume that if OP was the one trying to get her DH into bed before: ......I had trouble getting to want sex with me every two weeks before this..

And now that he's all over her:I have reacted badly

I suspect that soon he'll start getting the message and there'll be two people in the marriage getting the hump, and his attentions will drop off.

OP seems to have wanted more sex, but only on her terms - with a scrubbed face.

simon you sound young

simon

Zazzles, women should wear make up etc or not, as they please. Personally, I very often don't, as I'm too idle .

However, it never once occurred to me that people who did we're not "authentic". Such a loaded term, and quite revealing.

I agree Woozlebear. Why shouldn't she be proud of her natural look?

I don't really know what I think, OP, but yes, it all seems a little odd. To be generous to him, it might be that it's a novelty... However, the fact that his sex drive was so low before, and so high now, would confuse me.

Going au naturel can take great effort in terms of good diet, excercise etc so that it looks as good as possible.
Putting effort into looking after oneself (diet and exercise etc), taking pride in one's appearance and being proud of that work are good things, but I found it curious that the OP said she was proud of "the look" - which seems different and why I asked what it meant. It really wasn't intended to be snide or aggressive, but I think that it might be worth it for the OP to think about how she feels about appearance and why.

I don't wear makeup or style my hair or do anything like, for what it's worth - so I don't place on particular value on all that stuff, neither do I see the lack of it a virtue either.

"Why shouldn't she be proud of her natural look?"
No reason at all for OP not to be proud of her natural appearance!!!! That is not what I meant. "I'm proud of my appearance" is great.

Tell him you'll be more than happy to bump uglies with him at every convenience once he's had a back, sack & crack wax and a spray tan.

Joking aside, I understand where you're coming from OP and I think I'd feel a bit put out too, but I can't put my finger on exactly why.

At least OP it is happening the "right way around". He fell in love with the authentic natural you. And is overwhelmed by your new you.

My best friend was in tatters when her new man, who had always seen her with make up, woke up next to her one morning, took a look at her bare naked face as the sun shone in through a gap in the curtains and though "ugh, I cant wake up to this every morning". He told her, as he broke up with her, that the contrast was just too grate, and he would never be able to look at her and get the image of her bare naked face out of his mind.

Price arse.

Everything gets a bit staid after years together, now youve had a go at dying and tanning it's like a 'new you' and he is interested again, probably cant believe his luck!

Dont worry too much, but speak to him if you think he may be disappointed after the birth when you cant keep the upkeep up, IYSWIM

Good luck and dont let the feminists on here bring you down x

Greenrememberedhills - authentic is only a loaded term if you insist, as some on this thread seem to be doing, on interpreting it only as meaning physically un-made-up, and also in the sense of being opposite to 'fake'.

It can also just mean true to ones authentic self in terms of needs, wants, personality etc. That is how I have used it and interpreted it, but it's clear other people are reading it very differently.

I think the same thing is happening to 'pride'. MsAnthropic has conflated having pride in something with thinking that something is a virtue. I can be proud of something about myself because of complex reasons personal to me and applicable only to me. It's not the same as thinking that thing is a virtue which implies that you think other people should do the same thing, or that it's better than what they do.

And then before you know it everyone's antsy because they think someone else thinks they're better than them.