am i being mugged off?????

[jude3184]

ok so im gonna start right at the beginning.....i was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who made me feel like crap. He said he liked me the way I was (absolutely massive) he had me totally emotionally dependent on him then he upped and left me and my two girls.

I soon wised up and dropped 4 stone and met someone who I thought was amazing...until 6 months down the line he smashed my house into pieces then started on me...so thats the end of that story too. I finished it instantly and spent the next 3 years focused on me myself and my beautiful daughters.

This is where im either going to sound like a completely ungrateful little brat or im gonna get told that im right to be concerned....

I have met a wonderful man and he has a 2 year old daughter. We have been together little over a year now. he has recently moved from wales to be with me and as it stood when he moved up, he saw his daughter every other weekend when she stayed with us plus he saw her every other day after work at his mothers for 3 hours. last week I had a phone call to TELL me that she would now be staying every other night at our over night PLUS the weekends that she usually stays. This wouldnt be a problem but since im in a tiny two bed flat and i already have my daughters who live with me, his daughter is now in with us every other night all night and she still doesnt sleep through the night and to top that off his dog who he insists is more like his daughter than his pet insists on sleeping int he bedroom also. I feel ive been kind of lulled into a false sense of what will happen only for him to slowly move his daughter in too!! He pays me £50 a week because he says he cant afford any more.....not only that, recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan because his credit wasnt good enough so that he could pay it to his ex for his daughter and so that he could buy his daughter birthday presents. I point blank refused and he got very annoyed but I said it wasnt happening so he dropped it.

Now I feel I have lost respect for him a little. Is it too much to ask for a man that looks after ME for a change instead of me footing the bill for everything?? Perfect example of this : we went to drayton manor recently, I PAID FOR THE TICKETS.....he gave me a small amount of fuel money that would have covered getting half way there and I had to sort the rest...we then got in to the park and I said I fancied an icecream, he said he couldnt afford one so i felt bad, paid for one for him AND his dinner...he then stopped at the shop before we went home so that he could buy his daughter a souvenir. to say i was raging is an understatement...

ANNNNNNNYWAYYYYYYYY.....I called him on his lunch today and told him that he needs to come home so that we can discuss everything. Do I need to man up and stop being a mug?? Or an I over reacting a little, because we are great together and he makes me laugh most days lol xxx

He gets himself and his crap out, and his dog and fish tank and etc.

NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

'This doesn't work for me anymore. You need to leave.' Why, what doesn't? What happened. 'If you have ask, you'll never know. It doesn't work for me any more. You need to leave.'

Because he will try to wheedle out of anything else to continue riding the gravy train.

'What about my dog? I have nowhere to put her?' 'It doesn't work for me to have her. You will need to make other arrangements.'

He is a GROWN UP who can and should be responsible for himself and his dependents.

Well done Jude. (friends etc) not that I've got may of them left!! Even my gay best mate makes him cross because in his opinion 'he's still a man with a penis who once up on a time wasn't l gay so he might fancy me and he doesn't like him around his girl'.....gahhhhh when you do the Freedom Prog, you will see why those words indicate that in kicking him out, you are kicking out an abuser. Well done, well done! You're getting out in time, he sounds like a classic example! Twunt.

And furthermore! Do not let him work on you because he will if he can.

So from what I can see if I compete the programme online it will cost £10? Has anyone ever completed it before reading this? do I have to do it in my own time? I just don't understand how it works x

Definitely worth the drive.
There will be other women who have suffered and are currently suffering abuse and domestic voilence in some instances.
I doubt it will be a pity party. It should be more of a 'liberating' party.
I really don't know but I would imagine it's once a week for the duration of the course.
Do let us know how it goes.

There are people on here who have done this.
They got a lot out of it from what I have read.
If you don't want to travel then try it on-line first.
You may be inspired after that to attend the actual course.
You've nothing to lose and everything to gain.
And yes you do it online in your own time.
One of the posters a few weeks ago did it over a weekend.
She got really into it and wanted to get through it.

I just looked at a sample of the course again. I'm going to look into it some more, I don't think online will work for me though, I need to be talked to face to face for it to sink in gosh I wish my mum was here, she's on bloody holiday at the moment typical that I get brave when she goes away so I not got her to talk it through with lol. God bless you lot x

Your Mum will come home. Your friends will come back, or you'll be free to make new ones. You have a wealth of experience and support from MN.

You can do this.

When you have got through this weekend you can reclaim all the space for you and your girls and be relaxed and relieved.

I think I'm gonna move house after it's all over lol so many amazing memories here with my daughters but a lot of painful ones too. The walls still bear the marks of what idiot number 2 did! Makes me shudder just thinking about it x

My Freedom Programme is in a community centre. We are about 15 and there is a crèche provided. No one has asked me to pay, but maybe that's because we are from a Refuge and it goes with the package! It's attended by some who have left partners, some who are still with and attend in secret, some who are reconciled and trying again. The course comes with a very interesting book which is covered in the 12 weekly sessions. It is very informal and if you have to miss a session you can catch up at a later date. You can share or you can stay silent, there is no pressure to do either. It outlines abusive behaviour of all types and we are encouraged to look at our own situations, recognise what has happened to us in our recent and historical relationships, how to recognise the early warning signs that a partner is a potential abuser. It is astonishing how many of them have absolutely identical characteristics. Gob-smackingly appalling in fact. A big light bulb will come on over your head and you will never fall for the scam again. It is fucking brilliant in fact. Good luck OP. You've saved yourself in the nick of time!

Ok i will wait on a reply from the lady I have emailed, I hope she gets back to me because the way you have explained it it sounds like it's something I can benefit from. Thank you very much sweetness xxx

As for friends, yes Enrique is right, they will come back and be delighted you are free. I think doing it with other survivors is the best way. You gain a lot from the solidarity and shared experiences - although at first I just sat, silent, with tears streaming down my face! My neighbour just gently passed the tissues. Didn't feel a bit like a prat either! Laughter plays a big part too though! And bad language.

Sounds like the perfect place to vent and to learn from my mistakes xxx

'My mum won't let me stay '
"Oh dear'
'My mum won't let me have the dog'
'Oh dear'
'Excuse after excuse'
'Oh dear. Not sure why you are telling me all this. You aren't my problem any more'.

You're making me very happy Jude. You're going to do what I should have done. It'll be up and down and you're bound to be on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster but the Programme will help hugely! I used to think I was ruined. Physically and emotionally scarred and I certainly was financially ruined but now I think, well, if money is what you care about, go out and make a pile more and this time don't be giving it to any men! As for the other scars, they heal with time and the Programme helps you get over the awful feelings of guilt and betrayal and you learn how he managed to manipulate your life. Your biggest challenge is this weekend - getting him out and keeping him out. Even if he cries and begs -be resolute. See him for what he is - a cunt leech.

Gosh, I just that he was a miser, but now you say that he has alienated you from all your friends. Obviously you cannot maintain two daughters and a leech, but I now see that the problem is much worse than that, you definitely need the freedom programme.

You see these abusers separate you from friends and family so that you will depend on them all the more. Never, never let anyone put a barrier between you and your friends again, OP.

Sounds like the perfect place to vent and to learn from my mistakes xxx You haven't made any mistakes. You have been recognised and targeted. That is what abusers do - they seek us out and go to work on us. The venting is brilliant though, as is the colourful language, snorts of derision and mutterings of 'what a bastard' .

Wowzers, cunt...my favourite word lol!! I'm so pleased that I found this group. Reading all of your advice has made me giggle alot of today and that's the last thing I thought I'd do considering xxx

So glad you've told him to go. DO NOT let him or his husky stay a night longer!!!

I've now had a text telling me he's 'sad it's come to this' and 'my mums cross about having to help me out'...I think this is the beginning or the 'let's make her feel guilty' campaign x

Well, it wouldn't have 'come to this' if he'd conducted himself in a half decent way and as for 'my mum's cross...' words absolutely fail me.

What a way to try to win a woman back. Loser.

Of course it is. Don't bloody fall for it! Anyone would be sad when their meal ticket is taken off them. Look at it this way - he's had a good run at it, but all this particular gravy train has hit the buffers. Bugger! What are you going to do with all the extra cash? Woo-hoo!

'I can't believe you're not sad, I feel devastated, this feels bike the end...I have to find £1000...' I said if you want the truth I feel relief for doing something that's RIGHT! x

Hang on Jude, let me find my tiny violin so you can play him a sad, sad song.

He has to find 1000, you have to de-hair your armchair, so its all fair.

I probably won't be any better off, I'll have to find the extra £200 a month although I'll only be feeding myself and my dds. Probably break somewhere even but that to me is good enough because it will be mine again lol xx