am i being mugged off?????

[jude3184]

ok so im gonna start right at the beginning.....i was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who made me feel like crap. He said he liked me the way I was (absolutely massive) he had me totally emotionally dependent on him then he upped and left me and my two girls.

I soon wised up and dropped 4 stone and met someone who I thought was amazing...until 6 months down the line he smashed my house into pieces then started on me...so thats the end of that story too. I finished it instantly and spent the next 3 years focused on me myself and my beautiful daughters.

This is where im either going to sound like a completely ungrateful little brat or im gonna get told that im right to be concerned....

I have met a wonderful man and he has a 2 year old daughter. We have been together little over a year now. he has recently moved from wales to be with me and as it stood when he moved up, he saw his daughter every other weekend when she stayed with us plus he saw her every other day after work at his mothers for 3 hours. last week I had a phone call to TELL me that she would now be staying every other night at our over night PLUS the weekends that she usually stays. This wouldnt be a problem but since im in a tiny two bed flat and i already have my daughters who live with me, his daughter is now in with us every other night all night and she still doesnt sleep through the night and to top that off his dog who he insists is more like his daughter than his pet insists on sleeping int he bedroom also. I feel ive been kind of lulled into a false sense of what will happen only for him to slowly move his daughter in too!! He pays me £50 a week because he says he cant afford any more.....not only that, recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan because his credit wasnt good enough so that he could pay it to his ex for his daughter and so that he could buy his daughter birthday presents. I point blank refused and he got very annoyed but I said it wasnt happening so he dropped it.

Now I feel I have lost respect for him a little. Is it too much to ask for a man that looks after ME for a change instead of me footing the bill for everything?? Perfect example of this : we went to drayton manor recently, I PAID FOR THE TICKETS.....he gave me a small amount of fuel money that would have covered getting half way there and I had to sort the rest...we then got in to the park and I said I fancied an icecream, he said he couldnt afford one so i felt bad, paid for one for him AND his dinner...he then stopped at the shop before we went home so that he could buy his daughter a souvenir. to say i was raging is an understatement...

ANNNNNNNYWAYYYYYYYY.....I called him on his lunch today and told him that he needs to come home so that we can discuss everything. Do I need to man up and stop being a mug?? Or an I over reacting a little, because we are great together and he makes me laugh most days lol xxx

Just remember, you dont need to worry about him, he'll find somewhere to go, his DD has a home, so she is fine. Dont let him make you feel guilty.

I know. I've been so bloody stupid. Sulking when we doesn't have anything...trainers, clothes...can't afford this and that and muggins here has bought it all. I actually think I'm too nice!! I've bought his daughter things when he 'can't afford it'...even went on holiday in April, a break my mum paid for me and my girls because I couldn't afford to go anywhere and he came along after it had been paid with his daughter and he didn't even say thank you to my mum, he just expects these things! I think some people think the world owes them a living. Others like myself have to work for everything they want. I would feel worthless if I relied on someone else to find my lifestyle. It's outrageous x

Just think of your new sofa with no hair on it.

Don't let him guilt you! He does have a place to go, and he has a job. He thinks the world should subsidise him, and goes from sucker to sucker, but again, this is NOT your problem!

You put yourself and your two children first.

He hasn't even rang me today to tell me his progress at his mothers and whether she will help him out. He's either still in talks or sulking about it and doesn't want to tell me because he's thoroughly pissed at me

Any you shouldn't really care even if he does!

Very well done. You deserve so much better.

jude

Glad you got rid of the cocklodger - they like single mothers too because such men think that they are so desperate for any male company that they'd put up with anything.

May I suggest that you look into enrolling yourself on Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this is specifically for women who have been in abusive relationships.

Love your own self for a change and do not embark on any further relationships until you have sorted out your own self and have unlearnt all the crap you have learnt about relationships along the way (I note that there has also been a previously abusive relationship hence too the suggestion of the Freedom Programme).

His philosophy of relationships seems to be 'what's yours is shared, what's mine is my own'.

I think it's significant that his parents have very strong boundaries that they won't allow him to cross. There are two ways of looking at it, from his point of view his parents are unhelpful/uncaring, from another perspective it's more likely that experience has taught them that he will take a mile if given an inch.

I bet anything he is going to need a very firm push if you want him out by the weekend. There will be some compelling reason why he needs just one more week.

He's told me that his mum will help but his dad will be cross about it and that the council won't help him. I'm wondering if it's going to be as plain sailing as I thought. I keep going over in my head 'stay strong...stick to your guns!' And I will. What I suspect will happen is he will say he can stay at his mums and he needs to leave the dog with me until he finds somewhere else. He's got a 5ft fish tank here as well that is taking over my lounge! Arghhh!!! I have to work this evening so he will get back after I've left and I only have his word on whether he's actually sorting anything at all!! Even if I have to house hunt for him this weekend is my final deadline!!! It's either he goes and try's to make the effort to work it out without taking the piss and I'll support him emotionally and not financially or its over full stop in which case he can fill his car with as much as he can and the rest I'll leave outside!! Getting worried now that he is gonna try more emotional blackmail! I've looked into the freedom programme but he isn't violent or anything so will it apply to me? X

This may well be the start of his jiggery-pokery. Hold firm, reclaim your home and sanctuary. I have to scoot off to work but back this eve. Aha - just seen you are working this eve. Well tomorrow is end day isn't it?

Locks change day too, perhaps? I'm sure it's on the calendar ...*squinting .. yep, Friday is Lock day ...

Don't back down!!

I can keep you all updated whilst at work via my phone. I think if I don't talk it through step by step I'll feel overwhelmed so this websites been an absolute godsend to me and so have you all. Xx

Unless you want to keep it don't let him leave the dog behind. Otherwise you will find yourself feeding and looking after it whilst he sails off into the sunset. Insist he takes it with him and the fishtank. It can as easily clutter up his parents home as yours

Yeah I know I know I know I'm falling into the feeling guilty being a mug again!!! God I have to stop being a poof about this!!! Get a grip Jude he's mugging you off!!!

jude
let him go to his mums. As for his dog, well there are boarding kennels where he can leave the dog for however long he needs to, though of course he will have to pay.
If he leaves the dog with you, he probably won't offer a penny - don't do it. YOU are not a boarding kennel service .

Find some phone numbers of Boarding kennels , circle them in red pen, and give them to him as he's leaving WITH THE DOG, to go to his mums.

Give him a deadline for the removal of the fish tank. Tell him if it's still there one minute past the deadline, that you will ebay it.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore any emotional blackmail. .... He has other options, but they involve him making an effort, which he doesn't want to do.

Boarding kennels for the dog ........is an ideal solution. Don't let him fool you that they're all full. He will just have to keep the dog With him until he finds one to take it.

Just keep thinking of your fab new sofa WITHOUT DOG HAIRS * !

The EB is simply to make you feel sorry for him so that he doesn't have to make any effort....he's too comfy with you.

Everything that comes out of his mouth is spoken for HIS benefit, not yours.

Oh, and did I mention he can put the dog in a boarding kennel

Stick to your guns Jude. I didn't and I am now penniless, in debt and in a Women's Refuge. I lost everything to a leech. My daughters suffered as a result and I will have to live with that guilt for the rest of my life. He was 'the love of my life' and as charming as any man that walked the earth when he was in a good mood. Please don't let this man charm you. You have met a leech who, if you let him, will drain you until you and your daughters have nothing left. I wish I had been strong, like you are and kicked him out all those years ago!
The Freedom Program is definitely relevant to you, it covers Domestic/Emotional/Financial/Physical abuse and you have experience of all of those. It will teach you how to recognise the early signs and what to avoid. Attending a group is best IMO because of the camaraderie and solidarity and laughter!
Stay strong girl! Get him out and keep him out. Then breathe a huge sigh of relief!

Can I just point ut that The Dogs Trust will never put a healthy dog down, and a house trained husky who is good with kids will spend roughly 45 seconds before being rehoused.

His daughter has a home with her mum.

You are not responsible for any of this. I know it's hard to implement, but it's true.

The Freedom Programme will be very useful for you.
Abuse isn't just about voilence. DV is classed as all sorts of things now.
As you were in abusive relationships previously it should really help you see things clearly.

And YES, of course he's going to try more emotional blackmail.
As a PP said, he's in the process of losing his meal ticket.
He won't give that up without a fight.
Just stick to your guns.
Call or text him tonight and remind him to start packing.
Tell him you want him and ALL of his crap out of your space by the weekend.
He will find somewhere.

He is a grown up and NOT your responsibility. NOT!!!!!!!

He honestly sounds like a frickin' nightmare and I don't hold out much hope of this working. This is who he is.
You can find someone much better!

The dog has gotbto go this weekend, so that it definitely doesn't moult on the new sofa you have worked so hard for.

His choices:
Pay kennels
Ask/pay his brother or other family member or a friend to home the dog
Rehome the dog at a rescue centre.
If it is there on Sunday take it to a welfare organisation and report him to the RSPCA. He should not have a dog if he cannot take full care of it himself.

Who knows what he is doing or thinking or saying to his mum. Let him. As long as he goes this weekend and all his stuff goes too you need not concern yourself any longer about that.

I can't see it working either I think I'm kidding myself into thinking it can.
I'm going to take your advice and look into whether there's a freedom programme in my area if not I will do it online. I think even if we do try and work it out maybe once I complete it I will recognize what he's doing and see things even more clearly and fuck him off all together! I don't want to be one of those people who need anyone, I deserve to WANT to be with someone and I want to teach my daughters the same principles. I panic sometimes but when I think about what I would lose if he wasn't around there's nothing. I can only gain! Ahh bloody hell I best dust off my girl power and get a grip lol x

I think that's exactly what the Freedom Programme will do for you.

Here's to girl power!
You can do this.

And you are absolutely right about what you are teaching your DDs.

No, no guilt. This is NOT YOUR PROBLEM, it's his because he takes the mega piss.

Do NOT let him leave the dog with you, or his shit or FA.

The council won't help him. Says it all, eh? Someone else is always supposed to bail him out.

NO fucking house hunting for him, either. He is an ADULT.

Do you expect others to find you a place to live, house your pets, bail you out? No? Well why put up with those who do?

You're right. Fuck this, enrolling in the freedom programme this weekend as there isn't one in my area! I'm determined to get strong!!!

jude3184,

re your comment:-
"I can't see it working either I think I'm kidding myself into thinking it can.
I'm going to take your advice and look into whether there's a freedom programme in my area if not I will do it online. I think even if we do try and work it out maybe once I complete it I will recognize what he's doing and see things even more clearly and fuck him off all together!"

You need to work out the reasons behind that line of thinking re your first sentence. Fear of beign alone perhaps, well it is better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. You are worth so much more than him and his needs and wants (you to him really do not matter). Do look into the Freedom Programme, it is designed for women like you because this is yet another abusive relationship.

F him off now and save yourself more aggro in the long run, ensure that he takes both his fish tank and the dog with him. You are running a household, not some menagerie.

There is nothing to try re him or to work out here; there really is not. Its his way or no way as far as he is concerned.

Concentrate your efforts instead on fulfilling these words instead:-
"I don't want to be one of those people who need anyone, I deserve to WANT to be with someone and I want to teach my daughters the same principles. I panic sometimes but when I think about what I would lose if he wasn't around there's nothing"

Exactly!.

If you achieve that you will show your children some positive lessons on relationships because after all they are learning from you re same.

Yep. Ring him back, 'Well, as you know I am working tonight, so feel free to use the bin bags in the cupboard for your packing. I have arranged for the locks to be changed on Saturday afternoon.'

And just sod all else. No I will find you a place to live, keep the dog, poor you, etc.

He asks, 'No, that doesn't work for me and my family.' Over and over and over.

He pulls the poor me stunt, 'How can you do this to me?' you say, I wonder that all the time, why you behave this way to me. But well, I am done with it.

jude, he has been totally mugging you off.
That's all there is to it, just that.

He has to go, where he goes is not your problem to sort out and he has to take all his stuff and his dog with him too.

He is a leech.
His parents are wise to it.
You weren't wise to it, but you are now.

If he tries to manipulate you, do not under any circumstances begin your answer with 'I'm sorry' just say 'No, that doesn't work for me' and don't elaborate.
Best of Luck. You can do this.

I've sent an email now to someone who does a programme about 20 miles from me. Worth the drive IMO I just don't know what the course entails and whether I have to go daily or weekly not do I know what to expect. I don't want pity from anyone and I don't want anyone to think I'm milking it by going (friends etc) not that I've got may of them left!! Even my gay best mate makes him cross because in his opinion 'he's still a man with a penis who once up on a time wasn't l gay so he might fancy me and he doesn't like him around his girl'.....gahhhhh unbelievable reading that bit back...lol I made the decisions I've made so should I not dog myself out of them? Maybe once he's moved out the pressure will just go...