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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

am i being mugged off?????

656 replies

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 16:52

ok so im gonna start right at the beginning.....i was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who made me feel like crap. He said he liked me the way I was (absolutely massive) he had me totally emotionally dependent on him then he upped and left me and my two girls.

I soon wised up and dropped 4 stone and met someone who I thought was amazing...until 6 months down the line he smashed my house into pieces then started on me...so thats the end of that story too. I finished it instantly and spent the next 3 years focused on me myself and my beautiful daughters.

This is where im either going to sound like a completely ungrateful little brat or im gonna get told that im right to be concerned....

I have met a wonderful man and he has a 2 year old daughter. We have been together little over a year now. he has recently moved from wales to be with me and as it stood when he moved up, he saw his daughter every other weekend when she stayed with us plus he saw her every other day after work at his mothers for 3 hours. last week I had a phone call to TELL me that she would now be staying every other night at our over night PLUS the weekends that she usually stays. This wouldnt be a problem but since im in a tiny two bed flat and i already have my daughters who live with me, his daughter is now in with us every other night all night and she still doesnt sleep through the night and to top that off his dog who he insists is more like his daughter than his pet insists on sleeping int he bedroom also. I feel ive been kind of lulled into a false sense of what will happen only for him to slowly move his daughter in too!! He pays me £50 a week because he says he cant afford any more.....not only that, recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan because his credit wasnt good enough so that he could pay it to his ex for his daughter and so that he could buy his daughter birthday presents. I point blank refused and he got very annoyed but I said it wasnt happening so he dropped it.

Now I feel I have lost respect for him a little. Is it too much to ask for a man that looks after ME for a change instead of me footing the bill for everything?? Perfect example of this : we went to drayton manor recently, I PAID FOR THE TICKETS.....he gave me a small amount of fuel money that would have covered getting half way there and I had to sort the rest...we then got in to the park and I said I fancied an icecream, he said he couldnt afford one so i felt bad, paid for one for him AND his dinner...he then stopped at the shop before we went home so that he could buy his daughter a souvenir. to say i was raging is an understatement...

ANNNNNNNYWAYYYYYYYY.....I called him on his lunch today and told him that he needs to come home so that we can discuss everything. Do I need to man up and stop being a mug?? Or an I over reacting a little, because we are great together and he makes me laugh most days lol xxx

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 19/09/2014 10:30

"Lady , pop out now to B and Q grab a new lock barrell ( bout a tenner ) change it ( takes about ten minutes if i can do it so can you )."

If you've got a UPVC door, there's a youtube video which shoes you how to do it. I just looked it up as I'm nosey. :)

jude3184 · 19/09/2014 11:06

I've just had to pick my daughter up from school because of a headache so were gonna have a mummy and daughter day, I'm gonna take her out for lunch and have a talk to her about all of this. She keeps telling me to 'dump him'...amazing how she can see straight through the bullshit as well. I'm gonna stop at the DIY and pick up a lock and leave it on the side for him to see. I think he may see I mean it then x

OP posts:
elastamum · 19/09/2014 11:17

The fact your daughter said dump him tells you everything you need to know. You need to get this man out of your life for good.

hellsbellsmelons · 19/09/2014 11:28

Very intuitive daughter you have there.
Tells you everything you need to know.
Also shows you that you are doing so much right, right now.
Keep going and don't pity him just get rid of him.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/09/2014 11:33

Change his name on the phone to 'Vimto' so that you get a visual reminder of his meanness to YOUR daughter next time he's mithering you for something. That should keep your focus, jude.

Your daughter KEEPS telling you to dump him? I think your mummy and daughter day should maybe include a brief apology, "sorry darling, he is now dumped, I should have done it sooner, he's not a good fit for us".

Best of luck with this limpet... a blow torch might work.

jude3184 · 19/09/2014 11:42

That goes without saying. If course I'm sorry. :( I'm just waiting for him to say can I have the 200 a month ive given you the last 'x' amount of months back to pay my rent pmsl that will be next x

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/09/2014 11:48

I think you need to stop worrying so much about what HE thinks. It's just white noise. He's leaving tomorrow, yes? He should be busily packing. Busy yourself with something else and promise your daughter that Sunday is for you both. Then you'll have to keep it, won't you?

Once he's out, text once to say it's over for good, don't contact me again and then ignore. I can understand that it's awkward for you today, maybe tomorrow - but after that.... the nothing of silence will be balm for you (and your daughter).

tipsytrifle · 19/09/2014 12:10

D'you know, jude I wondered whether to suggest that you have a talk with your daughter, so she knows you are a team and that you're dealing with the idiot for her sake as well as yours.

I have a vivid imagination and currently playing is the movie where dog finds nappy on kitchen counter ... Shock

tipsytrifle · 19/09/2014 12:12

and takes it to comfy chair ... and bed ... Shock

Castlemilk · 19/09/2014 12:25

Leave the lock out, but make sure the new key isn't with it, or i wouldn't put it past him to have it copied.

Good for you on getting rid of the leech.

sproutsmum · 19/09/2014 12:39

We're all rooting for you , you can do it. Don't think about him or his feelings he's just butt hurt cos you figured it out , a man who is actually sorry doesn't make it YOUR problem , he steps up apologises and THEN puts it right , at no time has he done anything other than cry poor me and blame shift. Visualise a lovely uncluttered arse free home , keep that image solid and keep going , you are nearly there xx

enriquetheringbearinglizard · 19/09/2014 13:00

The one thing that I reckon you need to be super canny about is his fish tank.
Because it's not necessarily immediately transportable and you can't leave it outside, don't allow it to become a source of regular dialogue or grounds for continued contact.

It shouldn't be, but be forewarned.

Stupidhead · 19/09/2014 13:06

Just read all of this, Jude, you rock!!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/09/2014 13:07

I wouldn't leave the lock out at all, he could just take it to delay you/annoy you/for the drama.

I think the fish tank point is very valid; will pet shops take fish should he not come back for them? If so, you can then empty the tank and put it out.

jude3184 · 19/09/2014 13:13

Those poxy fish! Lol!! I don't know if I'm being heartless here but a fish is a fish....it only knows who you are for 7 seconds then it very rudely forgets your fucking face lol he genuinely gets very sad each and everytime one passes on to fishy heaven. I could understand if it was a dog or a cat...a hamster even but a fish? At 31 years old you don't well up when one dies...maybe that's just me being mean lol. Just doesn't seem 'normal' unless you're a little girl lol x

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 19/09/2014 13:15

Some pet shops will indeed take unwanted fish ...

I googled Husky rescue too and there are several eg:
huskiesinneed.com/
sharerescue.co.uk/

Though legally you probably can't do anything as dogs count as property I think ... worth knowing that dog can be sorted though. if he was really going to be homeless he would surely want to secure a future for this poor creature?

Jux · 19/09/2014 13:18

He cries when his fish die?!! Shock

Your dd is great. Include a bit of chucking things into black bags in your mum/daughter day! Maybe you could change the lock together. That'll strengthen the bond between you; "together we can conquer the world" type thing.

jude3184 · 19/09/2014 13:32

Maybe cry is a little extreme but he is very sad and mopey and thinks it's degrading flushing them down the loo. Fuck that, they go down the loo when they die surely?? Please tell me I'm not a sadistic bitch and everyone else does that too?? Blush

The lock ideas cute x

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 19/09/2014 13:39

Ours always went on the fire. Nevermind about the fish, just think about the plan for getting them and their large water-filled home out of your life. He may sort it out - he may not, err on the side of contingency. That's as much headspace as you need to give him.

Cloudhowe63 · 19/09/2014 13:40

You are doing brilliantly, Jude! Keep your eyes on the prize - fresh linen on the bed and starfishing! Debugging your home of dog hairs and man crap. Smile
I agree. You rock!

jude3184 · 19/09/2014 13:45

Arghhh I'm just visualising Sunday and messaging "HES GONE"....I hope it goes smoothly!! I can taste the wine already I'll just have to sit on a deck chair and enjoy for now lol xx

OP posts:
jude3184 · 19/09/2014 14:09

As for the dog rescue there no way in hell he would let that dog go, she's his life and where he goes so does she whether that means a new house or sleeping in his car! They're always together and even if he had to starve I know he'd go without to feed her.

OP posts:
DogLover1981 · 19/09/2014 14:16

I live with my partner for nothing, all bills paid, he's never once asked me for a penny even though i've forced him to take money from me.

I suppose that's OK though because i'm female...

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 19/09/2014 14:23

DogLover, what the hell has that got to do with the op?

You lived with someone who was happy for you not to contribute. Who cares?

Op has a family to support and is unhappy in her relationship with a man who contributes next to nothing to the home.

Jeez.

Yes of course the problem with op's soon to be ex is his genitalia. If only he had a vagina he wouldn't be an arse Hmm

jude3184 · 19/09/2014 14:24

Pmsl as long as he's happy with keeping you crack on! I'm not happy with being taken for a mug and I can't afford it. Even if I could afford it I dont wanna freeloading boyfriend, I find that quite a turnoff. If he wants to support you that's tourism arrangement and what works for one doesn't have to work for another x

OP posts: