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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

am i being mugged off?????

656 replies

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 16:52

ok so im gonna start right at the beginning.....i was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who made me feel like crap. He said he liked me the way I was (absolutely massive) he had me totally emotionally dependent on him then he upped and left me and my two girls.

I soon wised up and dropped 4 stone and met someone who I thought was amazing...until 6 months down the line he smashed my house into pieces then started on me...so thats the end of that story too. I finished it instantly and spent the next 3 years focused on me myself and my beautiful daughters.

This is where im either going to sound like a completely ungrateful little brat or im gonna get told that im right to be concerned....

I have met a wonderful man and he has a 2 year old daughter. We have been together little over a year now. he has recently moved from wales to be with me and as it stood when he moved up, he saw his daughter every other weekend when she stayed with us plus he saw her every other day after work at his mothers for 3 hours. last week I had a phone call to TELL me that she would now be staying every other night at our over night PLUS the weekends that she usually stays. This wouldnt be a problem but since im in a tiny two bed flat and i already have my daughters who live with me, his daughter is now in with us every other night all night and she still doesnt sleep through the night and to top that off his dog who he insists is more like his daughter than his pet insists on sleeping int he bedroom also. I feel ive been kind of lulled into a false sense of what will happen only for him to slowly move his daughter in too!! He pays me £50 a week because he says he cant afford any more.....not only that, recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan because his credit wasnt good enough so that he could pay it to his ex for his daughter and so that he could buy his daughter birthday presents. I point blank refused and he got very annoyed but I said it wasnt happening so he dropped it.

Now I feel I have lost respect for him a little. Is it too much to ask for a man that looks after ME for a change instead of me footing the bill for everything?? Perfect example of this : we went to drayton manor recently, I PAID FOR THE TICKETS.....he gave me a small amount of fuel money that would have covered getting half way there and I had to sort the rest...we then got in to the park and I said I fancied an icecream, he said he couldnt afford one so i felt bad, paid for one for him AND his dinner...he then stopped at the shop before we went home so that he could buy his daughter a souvenir. to say i was raging is an understatement...

ANNNNNNNYWAYYYYYYYY.....I called him on his lunch today and told him that he needs to come home so that we can discuss everything. Do I need to man up and stop being a mug?? Or an I over reacting a little, because we are great together and he makes me laugh most days lol xxx

OP posts:
jude3184 · 18/09/2014 22:38

It really does!! I got two people I can can and if they don't come I'm gonna have a 1 woman pity party hahaha xx

OP posts:
sproutsmum · 18/09/2014 22:39

I know that sounds flippant but it's your home and you are well within your rights to get help in to make him leave if you feel you need it , I wouldn't hesitate if you feel he is digging his heels in , best of luck lovely , stay strong , look at the fab example you are setting for your little ones. Mummy has seen this mess and sorted it out , mummy is strong and independent and looks after her girls.

inlectorecumbit · 18/09/2014 22:40

If they can't come we will have a virtual party with you on MN Grin

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 22:43

Ahh man! Wine and slating men hahha sounds perfect x

OP posts:
BonzoDooDah · 18/09/2014 22:45

Wow just read the whole thread. Well done you! Youve been amazing so far.
Is there anyone you can ask to come over for moral support on Sunday?
I've done the"I can sort this out by myself" stuff but it was hasrd and i really should have accepted my friend's offer of being with me. Having a friend there really helps. Plus he can't start the whiny emotional blackmail shit on you if there is another adult there to hear.

RandomMess · 18/09/2014 22:54

He is so irritating me know!!! What an arse he is!

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 22:55

I will see how it plays out I think. I just told him to fuck off and have a pity party. Angry J coming out lol

OP posts:
angryangryyoungwoman · 18/09/2014 22:59

To the previous poster who asked if his name was Darren, that's hilarious, I know a Darren just like this too! I wonder if it's the same one!

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 23:01

I giggled at that too haha I think we all know a Darren like this hahha x

OP posts:
wannabestressfree · 18/09/2014 23:07

Best of luck. Stay strong :)

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 18/09/2014 23:17

I once dated a Darren, he was a useless, scrounging, no hoper as well.

FantasticButtocks · 18/09/2014 23:18

When he says if he can't stay he can't have his daughter, he is trying to make you feel responsible for his contact time with his daughter. He is responsible for seeing his daughter (and for his dog) and he must learn to be independent, sort his life out and make sure he has contact with his daughter. You and your home are no longer the answer. His parents are not the answer either. He needs to grow the fuck up. The sooner he leaves, the sooner he can make plans vis a vis his child. She had a mother. He may not have anywhere to be with her for a while but that is temporary and the sooner he sorts that out the better.

You are responsible for safeguarding your own DC and yourself. And not allowing someone to sponge off you who won't let your child have a glass of his fucking Vimto FFS!

He is only making it worse for himself.

FantasticButtocks · 18/09/2014 23:21

Sorry that should say she has a mother - not had.

PlantsAndFlowers · 18/09/2014 23:25

Good luck!

nauticant · 18/09/2014 23:29

Imagine this OP. You adopt the daughter, you adopt the dog (which to him is like a daughter), you adopt the fish, and you dump the leech.

Your life would probably be fine.

However, if you adopt the daughter, and adopt the dog, and adopt the fish, and adopt the leech, then your life would probably be rubbish.

What does this tell you about your choices?

ohdearitshappeningtome · 18/09/2014 23:30

Hope your ok op!

NightWine

penguinplease · 18/09/2014 23:33

Op please don't back down.. I have a friend who's been through similar. She gave in to the few weeks to sort things out, which went on and on. He is still there. Her children have no respect for her, he treats her like a cash machine and general dogsbody. Everytime you waiver, think of your dds. You can show them this isn't acceptable.

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 23:34

I knew what ya meant beaut! I know. He's home with her And i have to go home in 40 minutes and face this. He's got the washing in tonight as he spotted it before it rained. That surely deserves a high five...in the face....with an chair!!!!!

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 18/09/2014 23:39
Grin
Futurebird · 19/09/2014 00:01

And a wet fish! (in the face, in case the thread's moved on and this doesn't make sense now.

Op, you are fabulous. Well done for staying strong. Has the freedom lady replied to you yet? X

Jux · 19/09/2014 00:03

Oooh er. Got the washing in? How can you chuck him out when he does so much for you?

Ha!

Very easily I imagine.

jude3184 · 19/09/2014 00:20

No she hasn't replied as of yet, I'll give it til tomorrow afty then I'm gonna hound her hahaha!! I know Jux - what a catch!

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 19/09/2014 01:17

Don't waiver. Just remember every cent he sponges off of you is diminishing your resources for raising your dds, or their college fund, our your retirement. He is an embarrassment to cocklodgers (auto corrected to cockroaches Wink). He is nothing but a Parasite and that should be his caller ID tag -if- until you block him and go completely No Contact.

You may feel a little, very little, separation anxiety...But you have been through breakups before...It will pass. In this case, perhaps a blink of your eyes will do it. Wink

What his father said...who the fck cares what his father said. It was his doings that created this Parasite. As said above, it is your opinion that carries the day and Parasite has banked on you being invisible in your own life. All for him, him for him. (Even if the father had offered you* the money (!) the answer would still be no!)

helpmekeepstrong · 19/09/2014 01:18

Mother of Pearl! You are the chosen one! By his dad....
(Tried to catch up, but flooding got in the way.) What? Jude! Dear! Get a grip.... did I hear a smidge of sympathy coming in there, or a whiff of guilt?
FFS! You have a leech stuck right on you. Your elder girl has already noticed. For the love of all that is Holy, do not let your girl down.... like I did and regret every fucking day. Get shot and quick. No mercy. Get shot.

helpmekeepstrong · 19/09/2014 02:06

Here's the thing Jude. You may not think that your situation has much effect on other people. You may think that your world is insignificant..... well it isn't. There are lots of us out here, judging our own lives by what you have had to say in these last two days. I have, since following your post, composed and sent the most bare, harsh, clear and loving description of my (just left, abusive) husband to my best friend who is also his best sister. She may never speak to me again. (Most likely) but I got it off my mind, into Word and so out of my heart. I thank you for that. Keep it up girl x

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