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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

am i being mugged off?????

656 replies

jude3184 · 17/09/2014 16:52

ok so im gonna start right at the beginning.....i was in a relationship for 7 years with a man who made me feel like crap. He said he liked me the way I was (absolutely massive) he had me totally emotionally dependent on him then he upped and left me and my two girls.

I soon wised up and dropped 4 stone and met someone who I thought was amazing...until 6 months down the line he smashed my house into pieces then started on me...so thats the end of that story too. I finished it instantly and spent the next 3 years focused on me myself and my beautiful daughters.

This is where im either going to sound like a completely ungrateful little brat or im gonna get told that im right to be concerned....

I have met a wonderful man and he has a 2 year old daughter. We have been together little over a year now. he has recently moved from wales to be with me and as it stood when he moved up, he saw his daughter every other weekend when she stayed with us plus he saw her every other day after work at his mothers for 3 hours. last week I had a phone call to TELL me that she would now be staying every other night at our over night PLUS the weekends that she usually stays. This wouldnt be a problem but since im in a tiny two bed flat and i already have my daughters who live with me, his daughter is now in with us every other night all night and she still doesnt sleep through the night and to top that off his dog who he insists is more like his daughter than his pet insists on sleeping int he bedroom also. I feel ive been kind of lulled into a false sense of what will happen only for him to slowly move his daughter in too!! He pays me £50 a week because he says he cant afford any more.....not only that, recently he had a week off work through being ill that he got behind on his child maintainance payments and tried to insist I look out a loan because his credit wasnt good enough so that he could pay it to his ex for his daughter and so that he could buy his daughter birthday presents. I point blank refused and he got very annoyed but I said it wasnt happening so he dropped it.

Now I feel I have lost respect for him a little. Is it too much to ask for a man that looks after ME for a change instead of me footing the bill for everything?? Perfect example of this : we went to drayton manor recently, I PAID FOR THE TICKETS.....he gave me a small amount of fuel money that would have covered getting half way there and I had to sort the rest...we then got in to the park and I said I fancied an icecream, he said he couldnt afford one so i felt bad, paid for one for him AND his dinner...he then stopped at the shop before we went home so that he could buy his daughter a souvenir. to say i was raging is an understatement...

ANNNNNNNYWAYYYYYYYY.....I called him on his lunch today and told him that he needs to come home so that we can discuss everything. Do I need to man up and stop being a mug?? Or an I over reacting a little, because we are great together and he makes me laugh most days lol xxx

OP posts:
JetsAndSugar · 18/09/2014 19:16

If you need extra backbone phone the ex. Her stories might stiffen your resolve.

Trollsworth · 18/09/2014 19:16

Ohhhhh. Now then.

Once he realises you are serious, he's probably going to threaten to kill himself, either directly or obscurely.

If you tank he might, call the police and inform them. Your duty is done. If not, ignore.

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 19:20

I know I've known for a while what he was doing. I'm the type that let's little things slide and slide then I blow like a fucking volcano and he's tipped me over the edge lately. Enoughs enough. Everyone has a cut off point. X

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 18/09/2014 19:20

Don't bother even texting him that, or ringing or fuck all. He will undermine it and try to manipulate you.

Don't engage. Just get rid.

AnyFucker · 18/09/2014 19:21

he's like a prawn on a skewer isn't he ?

twisting this way 'n' that

trying a few options, seeing what works

what a joke he is

the oke will be on you if you listen and make any concessions right now, knowing what you know

AnyFucker · 18/09/2014 19:21

*joke

hamptoncourt · 18/09/2014 19:22

He will probably arrange to reduce DD to tears and then call you to try and make you feel bad.

Stay calm and just keep repeating your mantras. Do not engage. It will all be over soon so long as you stick to your guns.

AnyFucker · 18/09/2014 19:24

I second the idea that it will be threats of self harm next

you are going to have to be strong, jude

if he does that, call the police and call an ambulance...they will throw the book at him for wasting valuable public money on petulant histrionics

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 19:24

I just want him out.'soon as he's gone I can change the locks and make my excuses. I just don't have the strength to end completely now as I will never hear the end of it. He won't let me go x

OP posts:
JetsAndSugar · 18/09/2014 19:25

You can switch the phone off and ignore his texts. Really. You can.

You know what you want to happen tomorrow. Nothing he says should change that. You know he is trying to emotionally blackmail you. So don't listen. Switch off.

If not, why not? Does a little part of you want him to convince you that he will change and it'll all be fine? Does a little part of you think you are being an uber-bitch who deserves to be verbally beaten? If so, give that part of you a slap. Then go back to the Freedom programme.

You can do it. You are strong.

AnyFucker · 18/09/2014 19:25

it's not up to him whether he "lets you go"

JetsAndSugar · 18/09/2014 19:29

If you end it completely you never have to talk to him again. Why would you?

He doesn't get to choose to let you go or not.

middleeasternpromise · 18/09/2014 19:29

If his dad said that he probably means you are the right woman to take him off their hands cos they are sick and tired of picking up for him. Play along till you get shot of him, then have a genuine heart to heart with the folks as somewhere along the line he learnt that nice people can be taken for a ride. He sounds very immature with no sense of personal responsibility - he cherry picks his values to suit his own ends - me and the daughter come as a package; yeah well that's when you are also paying your way!!! No one accepts the amount of help you have given and then says oh by the way you owe the same to the rest of my gang. A decent person says I know you shouldn't be doing this for me I will see you right when I get myself straight and in the mean time I wont take the piss bringing my whole family to yours and expecting you to look after them. Who the hell has a 5ft fish tank when they say they cant afford to contribute to the grocery bills and rent? I bet he eats over 50 quid a week - who buys the dog food BTW - tell me its not you? You should check out with his brother how that house share thing was working out as I suspect the bro wanted out because he found your guy was a free loader.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 18/09/2014 19:30

Tell him, no over night stays for a few months, because you want to get your house back to the way you want it.

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 19:36

I small part of me wants him to prove me wrong, of course,
I just know I'm not wrong and that's what's sad x

OP posts:
rainbowinmyroom · 18/09/2014 19:43

You will move on.

Get him out first. That's the first thing.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/09/2014 19:47

I didn't read this thread yesterday because I thought it would be about online dating (don't ask). Have just read it and think I hurt my jaw at several points, not least when reading about the husky which you had to walk for him (like a daughter my arse!) and fuck-off great fishtank. £40 for a phone? Does he ring Australia that often, or are small cheap PAYG mobiles for losers? And he smokes. Yeah, there's a man who doesn't have any money to spare Hmm Or more to the point, that's why he doesn't have any money to spare.

I bet OP bloody well does pay for the dog food too

tipsytrifle · 18/09/2014 19:48

I may have missed the info because I suddenly find myself going grrrrr too much to focus ...but... doesn't he have his own place 40 miles away?

Don't back down, jude!

I do actually feel for the dog. I don't know what possessed him to think he could be responsible for one. Those huskies shed like no-one's business too. There will be Husky rescues, google for them. So when he "can't afford" kennels or take dog to his parents or go bloody home to his place ... dog can be rehomed responsibly or returned to breeder since buying one also costs an arm and a leg!

I think you're now seeing the real him and it isn't tall dark and handsome any more ... or whatever your equivalent of attractive is ...

Every post on here is awesomely spot on!

Anniegetyourgun · 18/09/2014 19:50

... oh, and his dad will give him the deposit on the flat provided you stay together? I really thought I'd done myself a mischief at that one.

I do hope you realise that all the excuses he's been using are so clichéd they've got whiskers.

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 19:53

He got the dog when he was with his ex, he wants more too. I laugh often an ask how he'd afford one when he can't even afford a cuddly toy one!! Joke!!! He's now saying looks like he's got his brothers old place and he doesn't have to pay a bond because his brothers is still on it???amazing how quick he's found somewhere?? He moved 40 miles to be with me and 'gave it all up for me' ad now this??

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 18/09/2014 19:56

Is he in overdrive? You only told him .. when? a day ago? And it's been non-stop barrage of excuses since?

You're allowed to turn psycho for a bit when it all gets too much you know. Stop being so bloody lovely!!!

AnyFucker · 18/09/2014 19:56

you are surprised ?

AnyFucker · 18/09/2014 19:56

you are surprised ?

jude3184 · 18/09/2014 19:59

I'm confused more than anything lol!! It's almost like he had a place lined up all along? The only word that springs to mind right now is cunt!!! And he's telling me that I have to make an effort to travel down and make it work! I'm seething ATM!!!

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 18/09/2014 20:02

Omg jude - you got a corker with this one. He just needs to get on with it and leave, no matter how unfair that he drops on lucky ... actually that's a good thing because you might get rid of dog and fish way faster than other options ...

But keep the option of a total Raging Outburst to be used as and when ... I have a feeling he might scare more easily than you'd imagine. I can't believe I'm saying all this .. truly I'm a gentle soul! But I have fought for my survival and own space ...