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Relationships

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Original poster

My partner keeps in contact with his ex, should I let it go?

116 replies

DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 11:28

Basically I have been with this guy for 1.5 years. He's got it all, looks, body, intelligence, kindness, great job... But the problem is his ex went nuts (literally, ended up in a clinic) and he ends up being her councillor on a semi-regular basis. Mostly via whatsapp messages.

I don't want him to have anything to do with her, I know all she wants is to break us up, she seems to be playing the guilt card with him over and over and him being a caring guy falls for it.

Now I know he won't leave me for her but my question is...

Should I allow him to stay in contact with her to support her emotionally or should I just leave him unless he stops? I do love him but having had cheating ex's and similar situations before i'm inclined to have a zero-tolerance with these things.

OP posts:

SarcyMare · 16/09/2014 11:33

My partners ex was at our wedding, so maybe not the best person to help.
how do you know she wants to break you up?

OhGood · 16/09/2014 11:35

What degree of contact do they have?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 11:36

You can't 'allow' or 'forbid' someone to be in contact with anyone else. He's free to do as he pleases. What you can do, however, is to talk to him about your concern that he is being suckered into being a 'counsellor' through guilt, how you don't think it's appropriate and that you don't think it is good for your relationship. If he decides that he'd still rather be in touch and you really don't like it then you have the choice to tolerate or reject.

Original poster

DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 11:37

I think they speak about once a week, usually when she's depressed. I have managed to read some of the messages and it's along the lines of "I can't live without you, I miss you so much, I'll never be OK" (from her side obviously). He tends to respond cautiously if i'm honest, offering advice on how to cope that he does miss her too and that he wants her to be OK, in fairness to him he never alludes to getting back with her despite her efforts. But I feel like im being emotionally cheated on if that makes sense. I notice a change in his personality after they have been speaking.

OP posts:

DieselSpillages · 16/09/2014 11:37

It would be interesting to find out his motives... Is he just being a friend to somone going through hard times or does he see himself more as her rescuer. If he is really acting as her councillor than he's misguided and there might be a bit of codependancy going on. It might be worth heping him see that as her ex he is not best placed to take on the councelling role and might be actually blocking her from seeking more effective support elsewhere.

Granville72 · 16/09/2014 11:38

He's supporting her emotionally (maybe she has no-one else to support her?) and you know he wont leave you for her.

Maybe address your own insecurities and support him whilst he's offering support and help for someone who needs it?

She may be his ex, but people can still be friends after a relationship breakup. Would you have this problem if she was just a female friend with no relationship history.

Maybe have a chat with him, tell him your concerns. Don't let it eat away at you.

OldF0ssil · 16/09/2014 11:39

yOU SAY he has it all, and maybe he does, hooray, but that's just a list.

Does he make you feel happy, loved, secure, interesting ?? Is there a connection between you? Is the dynamic between you two good?

I only pick up on how you describe him as having it all, as it's the sort of mindset I used to employ when deciding if somebody was good for me when I was younger.

Original poster

DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 11:41

Thanks DieselSpillages that makes sense as does Granville72's post. I am the jealous type I don't really like him having close female friends... I know he's got a chequered history with women (a ladies man).

OP posts:

Original poster

DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 11:42

OlfFossil, he does make me feel incredible. I have never felt so lost in love which may not be helping me to think rationally.

OP posts:

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/09/2014 11:44

You can't forbid it [well you can but that would be an unhealthy thing to do], but you could point out to him his behaviour changes and the fact that this is not helping him move on, nor is it beneficial to his new relationship [AKA with you], and how will she ever get the support she needs if he just enables this every week.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 11:45

'Jealous type'?..... that kind of self-reproach is misplaced here. This woman is seriously overstepping the mark with the kind of stuff she's sending to him and he should be telling her to back off and get treatment.

He clearly feels guilty that she ended up in a clinic after they split and it's very unfair on him to be on the receiving end of what sounds very much like emotional blackmail.

You have good reason to be uncomfortable with this relationship. Not because he's going to run off with this woman necessarily but because he's being used.

chaseface · 16/09/2014 11:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 11:47

I think feeling lost in love is an incredible high but if you are 'the jealous type' (as you describe yourself) then maybe a relationship where you felt secure would be a more logical one to seek out.

fwiw, I think you're being a bit hard on yourself describing yourself as 'the jealous type'. If my bf was still seeing his xgf I would say 'no, choose, me or her' and if he seemed to find that a difficult decision then I would think and I'd have doubts about him.

So what I'm saying is I wouldn't like my bf to be friendly or in touch with his x, but I'm not labelling myself "the jealous type". I just want to know his focus is on me, that his loyalties aren't divided, that he's not attempting to please everybody else first and me last, iykwim.....

GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 11:49

Just read cogito's post. Yes, exactly, I agree with her. That's a self-reproach. He is choosing to stay in touch with an xgf and he's content while he knows you're unhappy about it and reproaching yourself.

Original poster

DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 11:53

Thank you all for your comments here, this really is a very caring place! It's helping me relax and unwind already.

I just feel like until he let's go of her and the associated guilt he will never be mine 100%

Sometimes I walk in while he's making dinner and see that he's been crying (red watery eyes). I know he is racked with guilt by the whole situation, I don't like the fact that he's reserving emotion for her.

OP posts:

arsenaltilidie · 16/09/2014 12:00

He is not emotionally ready for a relationship. You need to let him go, a year and a half is a long time.
Stop wasting your time and see him for what he is, a weak man who's being easily manipulated by his ex.

Anotherchapter · 16/09/2014 12:03

Tbh him replying with 'I'm missing you too' would be a sticking point for me. Regardless if he is trying to 'council' her.

If he wanted to stop contact with her he would. It's that simple. No matter how 'caring' he is , her and some of his messages are in appropriate.

I'm friends with many if my exs BUT if they were pleading to get back with me I'd end the 'friendship' It's not actually a friendship. It's still relationship where they are still emotionally connected. He has two women chasing him. I bet he is enjoying that on some level.

You can't ban him but I'd 100% get him to choose which bloody side of the fence he is on.

If he won't drop her then you know your answer. I wouldn't believe the whole 'she wouldn't cope' bullshit either.

Twinklestein · 16/09/2014 12:06

He's not over her OP, it's not the conversations in themselves, it's this fact that is making you uneasy.

He may be supporting her from the best motives, or he may still be in love with her, either way he can't fix her and telling her that he misses her too simply gives her hope that they'll get back together.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 12:07

I wouldn't tolerate this and would have no qualms at all about walking away from a bloke that was still in a relationship with his ex.

yes, he is still in a relationship with his ex.

EBearhug · 16/09/2014 12:09

I don't think there's an issue with being friends with an ex - people break up for all sorts of reasons.

But I think I would have an issue with him offering so much emotional support, and her saying she can't live without him. I don't think it will be good for either her or you (plural) as a couple.

I can understand he might feel guilty about it, and might not know how to detach without pushing her into a new crisis. But he does need to find a way of detaching. It's okay if he's in contact from time to time, but it sounds like she's not learning to cope without him and develop her own coping strategies or other support systems without him. I can understand not forcing her to go cold turkey, but I would want him to be looking at ways she can get other support, and cutting down contact from weekly to every 10 days, to fortnightly, to monthly and so on. If she won't accept that, he might need to cut contact entirely for a while, but if I were going to do that, I'd need to know that she had other support in place. Also, how would it be handled if she had another crisis, so that she finds someone else to rely on, rather than your partner?

I assume she's getting some sort of on-going care, either back at the clinic, or with a CPN or whatever - would it be possible to talk to them, to see how it would be best to detach, to work with them?

I think both your partner and his ex will need to feel any action is best thing for her, that it's helping her stand on her own feet again. I think if you force him to cut contact, it won't be good for you as a couple - forcing someone to do something never is a good idea in general, but I think in this case, it would make you into the bad person, and it might not be something your relationship recovers from, whatever happens to each of them. Somehow, you need to get him to see (or find someone else who is more neutral to get him to see) that him having less to do with her is best for her recovery, best for him and best for your relationship.

Anotherchapter · 16/09/2014 12:13

granvlle it's not just friends though is it? She is crying that she misses him and can't cope, she can't live with out him! What fucking friends say that.

How old are you all, op?

My ex posted empty paracetamols packets through my door, stood in my garden with a knife saying he was going to kill him self. > cried, begged ect.. I didn't continue with the 'friends' shit as I knew what he would be like.

There is actually three of you in this relationship and he needs to choose.

If it was me, he would have been given his matching orders when id seen that he was apparently missing her too (ah bless)

GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 12:16

Oh boy. YOu are right, he's not ready for a relationship with you. It's not fair to you.

Annarose2014 · 16/09/2014 12:16

If he is still going through the wringer with her, and she is literally leaving him in tears, then I would think about cooling it off.

He may be a bit too caring for his own good - certainly if the contact is upsetting him emotionally then he needs to sort himself out.

It sounds like she is playing him like a banjo and he feels a great deal of guilt at her emotional state, past and present. She keeps pestering him to get back together, he sidesteps it, she says she'll never be ok without him and he is wracked with guilt.

The guy needs counselling if its affecting him that badly.

But I do think that this scenario is not something you are required by "relationship law" to cope with. You are within your rights to want a guy who is emotionally unattached.

I would suggest taking a break, explaining that you need time off until he sorts out his ex situation. Explain to him that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over (being there for her) and expecting a different result (she suddenly becomes self-reliant and resilient).

Anotherchapter · 16/09/2014 12:17

Can't believe posters are suggesting that they basically go through a weening process?! WTF!

upthedamnwotsit · 16/09/2014 12:20

I couldn't be with someone who still cried over their ex. I just couldn't. He may not want to be with her but there is obviously a great deal of emotion still invested in this woman: combine that with weekly conversations where she wishes they were still together and a marked change in personality whenever they speak...God, no. It's as if he's present physically but emotionally a large chunk is reserved for someone else, and that isn't right in a relationship between equals.

If it's like this after a year and a half then you should think about if this is all really worth it. You're meant to be his partner but the way you describe the situation it's almost as if you're an interloper on their odd existing relationship- walking in when he's been crying over her and so on. You shouldn't be sidelined like this.

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