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Relationships

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Original poster

My partner keeps in contact with his ex, should I let it go?

116 replies

DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 11:28

Basically I have been with this guy for 1.5 years. He's got it all, looks, body, intelligence, kindness, great job... But the problem is his ex went nuts (literally, ended up in a clinic) and he ends up being her councillor on a semi-regular basis. Mostly via whatsapp messages.

I don't want him to have anything to do with her, I know all she wants is to break us up, she seems to be playing the guilt card with him over and over and him being a caring guy falls for it.

Now I know he won't leave me for her but my question is...

Should I allow him to stay in contact with her to support her emotionally or should I just leave him unless he stops? I do love him but having had cheating ex's and similar situations before i'm inclined to have a zero-tolerance with these things.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 16/09/2014 19:03

OP it is clear that you love him very much but sadly many of us can see how this is blinding you to the man he really is. You want her to be "a nutcase" who is making unreasonable demands on a man who is too kind and thoughtful to say no. You want him to have been in an open relationship. You want him to be good and honourable and caring.

Sadly what we see is a man who mistreated his ex either causing or exacerbating mental health issues in someone already fragile. Someone who either downright cheated or manipulated her into an "open" relationship (I wonder if she slept around too, I doubt it). Someone who wont do the best thing for her which is to cut all contact so she can move on properly but keeps her hanging for reasons of his own. Someone who is manipulating you and will break your heart.

When that day comes we will be here for you, until then I wish you luck.

Hissy · 16/09/2014 19:32

you are with him 18m and think he's a genuine guy?

you don't know him at all. he was with his ex for 13 years and she didn't know him at all either.

living with a bloke like him will drive you batshit. perhaps he is the source of her issues, but he keeps feeding her just enough to keep her on the hook.

he's already broken the cheating taboo, if he'll cheat on a woman after 13 years, (that he's admitted to) how easy do you think he'll find it to fuck around on you?

this is a dealbreaker, you can tell him to stop her contacting you as it's disrespectful and not supportive of his choices for a start, and to sit there sending 'it'll never be ok' messages is out of order.

did he send back 'I miss you too?' that's an immediate sacking tbh, she's crossed the line, but he did too if he sent that back to her.

he's not nearly scared enough of losing you. he knows you (and all women for that matter) will just keep on taking it, if they don't, he'll get another.

mark my words, this idiot will start playing her off against you.

my ex did this, for 10 years I put up with her tearful international calls. he knew it upset me that he didn't tell her to back off, despite living together, having a child etc, but he exploited that to manipulate me.

this man is not right to date. end it (it'll shock him to his very core) tell him there are 2 in the relationship or none at all and to not bother to contact you until she's been put well and truly in the past.

if he does it, great hurdle overcome (not the end of the story by a long shot I fear, but hey) she will be gone, you will have 'won' and be free to enjoy the relationship you are hoping for.

if he doesn't, then you haven't wasted any more of your time on a feckless, cheating twat who has no respect for himself or women.

win/win i'd say.

YakInAMac · 16/09/2014 19:34

Hmm, much talk of him being too caring. It looks to me as if he needs to be more ready to take responsibility.
Take responsibility for actually having the hard conversation and ending a relationship rather than staying and shagging around.
Responsibility for saying the relationship is over, and he is doody but that's that.
Responsibility for saying 'I know my leaving was hard for you, I am sorry about that but I am not the right person to help you move on from that . These conversations need to stop'.

He definitely shouldn't be saying be misses her too. He's dangling carrots .

Good luck, OP.

lavenderhoney · 17/09/2014 10:40

You found out he has been in touch with her by checking his phone? So otherwise you had no knowledge of his friendship?

What did he say when you told him you'd been looking at his phone? And were there lots of messages or does he delete them? And telling her he misses her is cruel, if the story is true. Although he could be missing her, of course.

Have you spoken to her yourself? Does he meet up with her?

clearly they were together a long time, and he cheated on her, and still probably maintained to her they had a future. I'm not surprised she's depressed. She could of been free to find someone else if he had been honest and said she wasn't the one. He needs to leave her alone. He can't though, can he? He feels guilty and probably still likes her. Why did they finally split up?

You haven't known him that long either. You seem to be planning a future with him, probably the same as she did. Be careful he doesn't mess you about and you end up like her, with him describing you as " nuts".

I do feel for you, but she will probably always have a place in his life. He'll just be more careful about it, now he knows you check his phone.

Original poster

DogLover1981 · 17/09/2014 11:02

I knew they kept in touch, he never tried to conceal it from me... It's more the nature and frequency of the conversations that I found inappropriate. He doesn't meet her in person any more although as they used to co-own his house they had to meet for legal blurb until a few months back. I got the impression he didn't particularly enjoy them meeting.

In principal I have no issue with him keeping in contact with her but this situation of her wanting him back and playing on his emotions isn't healthy (for anyone involved) and makes me feel like until he lets go of his guilt over her then he won't be able to commit himself fully to me. If it was a genuine friends catch-up then I'd not have any issue.

Words are cheap, actions are what counts. I will let it go this time but keep an eye out for it - should it ever happen again then I will walk.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 17/09/2014 11:13

You're assuming it's guilt, he might just like the drama of it.

No-one with any sense would have kept this going for a year and a half without realising that if he feels guilty and responsible for her, he has a duty to let her go so that she can get over him.

I think this is far more about what's best for him than it is for her.

pinkyredrose · 17/09/2014 12:19

OP how old are you?

Original poster

DogLover1981 · 17/09/2014 12:24

OP posts:

pinkyredrose · 17/09/2014 12:52

Try acting it. You sound like a jealous schoolgirl.

Granville72 · 17/09/2014 12:54

Why did they split up OP? Who finished it?

Viviennemary · 17/09/2014 13:00

I agree this isn't the usual remaining friends after split up. She sounds as if she is in a very bad place. And after all he is only contacting her once a week. In your position I'd say you carry on with the contact but I want to hear absolutely nothing about it nor want to hear her name mentioned. And see how that works.

Stupidhead · 17/09/2014 13:08

He responds by telling her 'Yes he misses her too and hopes she'll be ok'? Sorry paraphrasing here. He might think that this is offering her support since their split but it's the opposite. He's throwing these phrases out there out of concern but she will jump on every word. He's unintentionally giving her breadcrumbs of hope.

'Yes I miss you too' - she'll be thinking there's hope they can get back together.
'I hope you're ok' - again, showing he cares about her.

He's not her counsellor and needs to stop these little rays of hope for her and your sake.

Sorry, I'll read the rest of the thread now and apologies if someone else picked up on this!

AnyFucker · 17/09/2014 13:23

OP, you haven't really listened to anything on this thread

You are still looking at this from his POV.. his feelings being manipulated, his difficulties in letting go of an old relationship, his pain and tears.

The message here is that he is keeping it going, he is manipoulating both her and you and he is the one getting some needs met by keeping this poor woman on a string.

Don't you get it ?

Original poster

DogLover1981 · 17/09/2014 14:03

AnyFucker

It's not really helpful to enforce your point of view over all others, this thread has had many constructive opinions - many of which are the opposite of your advice so to say i've taken nothing from this thread is stupid. Just because I chose not to (fully) take your own standpoint doesn't make me stubborn, nor do I need to act my own age...

Some very aggressive posts on here, not all men are evil things that need to be scorned, some of you sound like you think you're perfect, people make mistakes - in this case he's acting out of guilt and being caring... He's not playing us against each other. I know the situation - you do not, so climb down from that moral high ground before you die of oxygen restriction.

OP posts:

tachehag · 17/09/2014 14:03

I wouldn't put up with it OP.

If you want to have a laugh about crazy exes watch Vicky, Christina Barcelona (Woody Allen film).

AnyFucker · 17/09/2014 14:04

I'll take that as a "no" then.

chaseface · 17/09/2014 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tachehag · 17/09/2014 14:24

He needs to cut her off OP - normal relationships/marriages don't have this.

MerryMarigold · 17/09/2014 14:56

I don't think anyone's doubting that he's caring

I am. He persuaded his gf into an open relationship for 2 years, shagged around and then dumped her.

Hissy · 17/09/2014 15:00

jesus christ! how bad does life have to be to cling on to a guy like this?

are you expecting her as a guest of honour at your wedding? godmother to your dc.

you seem to think you're different to everyone here, and that he won't hurt you.. you're wrong. you're naive and foolish.

you are wasting very precious fertile years on someone who has form for being a cheat, a liar and manipulative.

surely you value yourself more than this?

get out now and maybe there is time to meet a decent bloke AND still have tome for the life you deserve/kids etc.

AMumInScotland · 17/09/2014 15:31

If he's caring, he's seriously misguided. You don't actually help someone move on with their life by letting them think there is still a chance to go back to how things were.

And I think most decent people realise that. Maybe he feels that he's being caring by telling her he misses her too, but he isn't. He's doing this to make himself feel better about the situation, not to actually help.

BadCop · 17/09/2014 15:58

I really think that, if he was willing to direct all his emotional energy into his relationship with you, he probably could've worked out a long time ago that this situation is unhealthy for all concerned.

Either he's massively thick or he's getting something out of it.

Viviennemary · 17/09/2014 16:06

If he keeps saying to her he misses her then obviously she will think there is some hope they will get back together. Something is going to have to change if you are to move forward in the relationship. You don't want to be here in five or ten years still worrying about contact your DP has with his ex.

Stripyhoglets · 17/09/2014 16:18

I think this man will bring a lifetime of heartbreak for you OP, but I can see you don't want to believe that. If he was that into you he'd have cut her off immediately as he wouldn't have wanted to risk losing you.

punygod · 17/09/2014 16:19

I would go bloody ballistic at this.

Crying in the kitchen over some woman he's supposed to have finished with over a year ago?

Balls to that. I'd hand him a tissue and his marching orders, unless he packed it in, pronto.

YOU are important. If she was that important to him, he wouldn't

A) have left her
B) have wanted an open relationship when he was with her

They're co-dependent drama-llamas, and you're the third wheel for as long as you put up with this cobblers.

Seriously. Value yourself more.

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