Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partner keeps in contact with his ex, should I let it go?

116 replies

DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 11:28

Basically I have been with this guy for 1.5 years. He's got it all, looks, body, intelligence, kindness, great job... But the problem is his ex went nuts (literally, ended up in a clinic) and he ends up being her councillor on a semi-regular basis. Mostly via whatsapp messages.

I don't want him to have anything to do with her, I know all she wants is to break us up, she seems to be playing the guilt card with him over and over and him being a caring guy falls for it.

Now I know he won't leave me for her but my question is...

Should I allow him to stay in contact with her to support her emotionally or should I just leave him unless he stops? I do love him but having had cheating ex's and similar situations before i'm inclined to have a zero-tolerance with these things.

OP posts:
Granville72 · 16/09/2014 14:20

How did he react to your conversation Doglover?

AMumInScotland · 16/09/2014 14:22

You do seem to be clinging to optimism in the face of the facts.

All I can say is - don't rush to bring a child into this relationship until you are quite sure that he is capable of being there for you. What you choose to put up with yourself is one thing, and serial unfaithfulness is not high on my list personally, but a child deserves better than a father who is not prepared to properly deal with his relationships.

Original poster
DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 14:22

I explained what's been highlighted on this thread... That he's just being used, it's only negative, straining his emotions and also very unfair to me.

He's in complete agreement down to the point that he's going to show me any messages she sends him and promised not to initiate conversation with her.

He doesn't want me to walk

OP posts:
Granville72 · 16/09/2014 14:26

Well that's a start I guess. I hope he sticks to what he has said and it works out for you both.

Them emotionally detaching from each other will be the big hurdle though

Gina111 · 16/09/2014 14:45

This guy is supporting his ex emotionally and the motivation could be altruistic , related to guilt or some form of ego massage. Whichever it is, he isn't fully free for you. Whichever it is, he isn't the best person to be helping his ex move on. If he doesn't see this then maybe it's time to walk away.

Gina111 · 16/09/2014 14:49

Sounds like he doesn't like conflict and has given you a half hearted action plan. He will not initiate conversation, but is he going to engage in it if she initiates? There is little difference. If he really wanted to help her, he would suggest she got independent help.

Original poster
DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 14:58

She's already being treated with therapy and drugs etc. on a regular basis.

OP posts:
Gina111 · 16/09/2014 15:04

That's important, but his involvement is likely to be perpetuating the problem if she sees the problem as not being able to live without him. It's a bit like giving antibiotics (the independent help) to someone whilst still exposing them to the source of infection.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 15:15

OP, if this is the most fantastic man you can find, worth having babies with, there is something wrong somewhere

  1. he keeps an ex dangling on a string, despite knowing he is perpetuating her problems

  2. he shags around in relationships, has a reputation as a "ladies man" (read : can't keep his cock in his pants)

  3. colludes with you in calling his poor deluded ex a "nutcase" (watch out...you could be the next "nutcase" wondering wtf happened to that charming man that promised the world....)

  4. he cries over another woman

Oh, but he loves doggies.

Oh dear

Isetan · 16/09/2014 15:27

He's still in a relationship with his Ex and it's not a particularly healthy one at that. Continuing a platonic relationship with some one who clearly wants more, is neither kind or noble.

GlossyFossil · 16/09/2014 15:30

rather than offering to show you her messages to him (and drain you and exhaust you too) he should stop receiving them. GET A NEW number if that's what it takes.

Gina111 · 16/09/2014 15:35

Sometimes no matter how many people give a valuable message, personal experience is required

Meerka · 16/09/2014 15:38

Well I think it sounds like a good start. You know him, we don't.

I would be a little careful though. The last 2 years in bed with other women - well, frankly no wonder his ex is kind of not handling things well, even if the way she's doing it is not overly stable.

The best way to handle a situation where you're deeply unhappy is to make a clean break and then to give yoruself time and then meet someone. Things aren't always that neat, but to shag around for two years is bad. 'supporting' her after that ... hmm.

Keep a weather eye out, Doglover. People really can change, but his form is poor so far.

chockbic · 16/09/2014 15:38

Have you told him it upsets you? If so, how did he react?

Original poster
DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 15:49

Well I can't be expected to leave a relationship with a partner that I love, over this one thing. I have declared my standpoint, that if it repeats i'm done. If he continues with the emotional support then I will walk but I have to give him the chance to prove himself.

When I told him it upsets me he immediately held me tight and kissed me and apologised.

I should probably mention that his sleeping around period wasn't cheating it was agreed that they would be open, not something I agree with but it's not as bad as him having cheated.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2014 15:50

So he convinced her to have an "open" relationship and then binned her anyway. Nice.

chockbic · 16/09/2014 16:11

It doesn't sound a healthy relationship between them and its obviously causing friction with you.

He needs to choose, doesn't he? Whether he feels guilty about his ex is another matter.

Gina111 · 16/09/2014 16:20

This sounds good.

Be clear with yourself at this stage what constitutes emotional support and perhaps write it down. You don't need to show this to your partner, it is to remind yourself what is unacceptable for you.

If you are honest with yourself now you are less likely to be swayed if something occurs. You are more likely to stick to the promise you have given your partner, and more importantly yourself.

Don't let yourself be swayed by verbal apologies, kisses, hugs - let your self be swayed by whether or not you are still part of a triangle.

Keeping you promise, if required, will be painful in the short term but will save you much greater pain in the long term.

Original poster
DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 16:22

Thanks Gina111

OP posts:
EBearhug · 16/09/2014 16:25

I can't be expected to leave a relationship with a partner that I love, over this one thing.

You can if it's a big enough thing, and if you're loving an idea of him, rather than the reality.

But he clearly knows how to get round you, just holding you tight and kissing you. Will he back up his apology with his behaviour, or is he just saying the right things?

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2014 16:30

*He's the only guy I felt ready to have a family with. We recently got a small dog and he's just so amazing and fatherly with him.

I'm really hopeful that he will let the baggage go so we can just enjoy life together without being brought down by the nutcase*

Wow and you're saying HE'S emotionally immature!

OP how old are you?

IrianofWay · 16/09/2014 17:12

I don't much like the sound of him.

And it's not a small 'one thing' is it really. He treated his ex like dirt, slept around, refers to her as a nutcase while letting her sob down the phone to him and makes you feel insecure about your relationship.

SarcyMare · 16/09/2014 18:55

it was an open relationship
She was desperate to keep him, and would have agreed to any degrading demands he made, so sorry not an open relationship at all, just even more blatant shit.

Bogeyface · 16/09/2014 18:58

Was it "we agreed to an open relationship" meaning she got a full say and agreed? Or was it that he said if she didnt agree he would leave, knowing she would do anything to hang on to him?

Or was it in fact (as I suspect) he was cheating but told you it was an open relationship so you didnt dump him for being a liar and a cheat? Has she backed up this version of events or is this just what he has told you himself?

Vitalstatistix · 16/09/2014 19:00

Perhaps you could also tell him that he isn't actually helping her. He's hurting her. Every time he gets into conversation with her, he makes her think there's a chance for her.

He is stopping her from facing reality.

That is cruel. Isn't it? If he really thinks about it. Making her feel that he's chucking her a crumb now and again? Being 'kind' and telling her he misses her...

It would be kinder to her to know that he is not available to her any more, for any reason, and she is not to contact him any more. She needs to find other, more appropriate people to support her.

It will be more painful for her in the short term, but it will be of greater benefit to her in the long term.