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Original poster

My partner keeps in contact with his ex, should I let it go?

116 replies

DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 11:28

Basically I have been with this guy for 1.5 years. He's got it all, looks, body, intelligence, kindness, great job... But the problem is his ex went nuts (literally, ended up in a clinic) and he ends up being her councillor on a semi-regular basis. Mostly via whatsapp messages.

I don't want him to have anything to do with her, I know all she wants is to break us up, she seems to be playing the guilt card with him over and over and him being a caring guy falls for it.

Now I know he won't leave me for her but my question is...

Should I allow him to stay in contact with her to support her emotionally or should I just leave him unless he stops? I do love him but having had cheating ex's and similar situations before i'm inclined to have a zero-tolerance with these things.

OP posts:
Pandora37 · 16/09/2014 12:20

I do kind of feel for your partner, having been with someone who's emotionally manipulative and mentally unstable it is very VERY hard to cut ties with them. The guilt is immense and you end up feeling responsible for them.

I don't think you should tell him to cut contact with her completely, you can still care for an ex and be friends with them without it meaning anything about your current relationship. That being said, if it's affecting him to the point he's crying about it that does sound very unhealthy. Talking to her once a week is too much, you need to tell him that he's enabling her behaviour and she can't move on if he keeps pandering to her. I completely understand why you're upset about this and after a year and a half they really need to have some distance. He needs to go no contact with her for at least a few months and be very blunt and say he's in a new relationship now, he's never going to get back with her and she needs to move on etc. If he keeps messaging her back she's going to get false hope, even if he thinks he's just being friendly. Once he's done that he should ignore her messages. He should block her number if he has to. In time they can maybe be friends again but this weird "I can't live without you" dynamic isn't going to do anyone any good, least of all her. If he's worried about upsetting her, put it to him from that point of view, that by him replying to her he's stopping her from moving on and is making her mental health worse.

This is clearly really affecting your relationship and if he won't do the above then I would be seriously questioning his commitment to you. I also think you need to look at why you don't like your partners having close female friends. You obviously have trust issues (I'm not criticising you for that at all, I have HUGE trust issues) and I think that would be worth exploring but that's a separate issue to your boyfriend and his ex.

Good luck, it sounds like a very emotionally draining situation for all of you.

AMumInScotland · 16/09/2014 12:24

If he's still crying with guilt at having split up with her, then I don't think he is in a good place to start another relationship. Sorry, but you're the 'rebound' and his emotions are still tangled up in that relationship.

He should be moving on, and helping her to move on, not wallowing in the misery.

People can be friends with exes. But this isn't friends, this is still the tail-end of a relationship which hasn't finished yet.

SaucyJack · 16/09/2014 12:36

I had a similar situation with my DP and an ex who still regarded him as her personal property at the beginning of out relationship.

I put up with it for a bit- then I got fed up and made it quite clear to him I wasn't going to be made to feel like the second most significant relationship of his life. He got the message and stopped answering the phone.

I hope you can do the same. And please don't be made to feel as though you are the one who is jealous and insecure. It's his (their) behaviour that is over-stepping the mark. No woman would appreciate seeing their boyfriend under the thumb of another woman.

IrianofWay · 16/09/2014 12:36

He's teary-eyed over her? That would be a big problem for me. If he genuinely was simply trying to be a good friend and the feelings were all one-way that would be hard enough to deal with, but as it is he is investing far too much emotion into her.
Sorry.

Meerka · 16/09/2014 12:49

I don't think he's actually helping her. It woudl be kinder to gently but firmly say that we can't be in touch any more. Ensure she has good medical support first maybe, family support too if possible.

But he is not the person to help her move on. By staying in touich he's prolonging her agony.

I also think if he's crying with guilt then he's not over her. If he goes back he'll be captive to her, but right now he's being seriously unfair to you. I do accept that if you find it hard that he has any close female friends, that you maybe have a touch of jealousy. But in this case, it's more than justified with this woman.

He has to decide and to deal with his emotions becuase 1) he is not responsible for her, never was, she's a grown woman. 2) he's absolutely not the person to help her now and 3) he is really not being fair on you.

If he can't do that, I'm afraid you might have to let him go becuase no matter how good the fizz between you is, the underlying dynamics with her around aren't too good.

MerryMarigold · 16/09/2014 12:55

Hmmmm...it concerns me a bit that you are more worried about the effect this relationship with ex has on YOUR relationship (and you) than the effect it is having on him. I think if you really cared about HIM you would worry about the effect it was having on him, and that would be your motivation in this whole situation. Right now your posts are a bit me, me, me.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 12:57

The OP has to look after #1. Their partner is preoccupied with the ex. The ex is preoccupied with themselves. Who is looking after the OP if not herself? Hmm

Quitelikely · 16/09/2014 13:03

I certainly think this relationship with the ex is inappropriate and quite disrespectful to you.

The ex will never be able to move on with her life as long as she still has this connection to your fella. The same apples to him.

Honestly you don't have to accept this behaviour, take a firm stand, deliver an ultimatum and stand by that ultimatum.

She is just feeding his ego. Crying over her pain? Really?

Original poster
DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 13:04

I take on board all the things everyone is saying. He promised me that he is going to cut contact with her (although i'm not sure he will completely). He even showed me his phone with a series of messages saying that he feels it's not helping either of them and it's affecting everyone negatively. So I hope he sticks to this, he was with this girl for 13 years (since they were 18, now 33).

I love him so much that I will let it go this time but I think I have to promise myself that if it ever happens again then i'll walk.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 16/09/2014 13:04

Oops I meant applies not apples! Smile

Quitelikely · 16/09/2014 13:04

OP what did they split up

TrickoftheMind · 16/09/2014 13:05

Perhaps the red eyes when making dinner is more to do with chopping onions?

I find some of your language rather concerning: allow him to stay in contact, lost in love, 100%mine. I think all 3 of you need to step back from each other and calm down tbh.

Original poster
DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 13:14

I know he doesn't love her as he spent the last two years of their relationship in bed with various other women... My issue is that he's being affected by this and it's holding us back in our relationship. He's the only guy I felt ready to have a family with. We recently got a small dog and he's just so amazing and fatherly with him.

I'm really hopeful that he will let the baggage go so we can just enjoy life together without being brought down by the nutcase.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 13:17

Tip .... don't build a relationship on hope. Build it on the facts.

Second tip.... don't refer to someone with MH on MN as a 'nutcase'. No good will come of it.

EBearhug · 16/09/2014 13:21

I love him so much that I will let it go this time but I think I have to promise myself that if it ever happens again then i'll walk.

You need to let him know that then, so he can make a choice about how to behave. If you've let it go in the past, he'll have no reason to think you won't again, unless you tell him so. If you feel for some reason you can't talk to him about it, then that tells you something about the relationship anyway.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/09/2014 13:24

You are ready to have a family with a man who cries over another woman?

Erm...

Original poster
DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 13:26

sorry a bit uncaring of me :(

OP posts:
Twinklestein · 16/09/2014 13:32

Hmm he spent the last 2 years of his previous relationship shagging other women and he spends part of his relationship with you on the phone to his ex, and you think he'd be a good guy to have children with because he's nice to the dog?

Bogeyface · 16/09/2014 13:33

So he cheated on her, is still in touch with her, is a ladies man and you think he is the one for you?

I think that rather than blaming her for him not being 100% with you, you should question whether a man like this will ever be truly committed. He didnt think twice about shagging around on her after 11 years together did he? 1.5 years is nothing compared to that....

SanityClause · 16/09/2014 13:34

Hmm, sounds like a real catch, OP! Hmm

AMumInScotland · 16/09/2014 13:41

You want to start a family with a guy who was unfaithful for the last two years of his previous relationship?

I'm not sure that your descriptions of him as 'caring' and 'kind' are all that accurate tbh. He sounds like he enjoys the drama of being irreplacable in her life. Either the way he messed her about during their relationship contributed to her breakdown, and/or he was repeatedly unfaithful to someone who was already in a fragile place emotionally and mentally.

Neither really makes him the 'good guy' in this, don't you think?

And now he is still investing his emotional energy in that relationship instead of helping her to get proper help and support, while messing up his new relationship.

He sounds like he prefers drama to grown-up responsible behaviour in relationships, however 'fatherly' he is to the dog Hmm

Granville72 · 16/09/2014 13:53

I think you both need a good heart to heart, lay it on the line and tell him how you feel. He may be (most men are) totally oblivious to how this is really affecting you, and also affecting himself.

Bogeyface · 16/09/2014 13:58

And being "fatherly" to a dog? Are you for real?!

A dog and a child are totally different things, this man is not a good fatherhood prospect from what you have posted.

Original poster
DogLover1981 · 16/09/2014 14:08

So I spoke to him just now and made it clear that I will leave him if this happens again. I don't mind sporadic contact with her, like every few months and then ONLY if it's not emotional blackmail but a genuine friendly catchup.

I won't be made to feel insecure and I won't share him with anyone.

I have painted him in a bad light but let me say I have had many relationships and he is a genuine guy... Maybe not the most emotionally intelligent but he's got a good heart.

OP posts:
MerryMarigold · 16/09/2014 14:14

Having many relationships and cheating on a 13yr relationship for 2 years, are 2 different things, OP. Don't let being 'lost in love' blind you here.

As Cog said, build on FACTS not hope (the being fatherly with the dog kind of smacks of hope tbh).