My partner keeps in contact with his ex, should I let it go?

[DogLover1981]

Basically I have been with this guy for 1.5 years. He's got it all, looks, body, intelligence, kindness, great job... But the problem is his ex went nuts (literally, ended up in a clinic) and he ends up being her councillor on a semi-regular basis. Mostly via whatsapp messages.

I don't want him to have anything to do with her, I know all she wants is to break us up, she seems to be playing the guilt card with him over and over and him being a caring guy falls for it.

Now I know he won't leave me for her but my question is...

Should I allow him to stay in contact with her to support her emotionally or should I just leave him unless he stops? I do love him but having had cheating ex's and similar situations before i'm inclined to have a zero-tolerance with these things.

Well hold on then for another 18 months during which he continues the doomed love over the telephone scenario, and then asks you to go poly...

Good luck with that.

Such pessimism, i'm not deluded by any means, i've made my rubicon and it's his actions that will decide our future now.

He sounds neither kind nor intelligent. The kind and intelligent approach would be to firmly break all contact with his ex, encouraging her to get the support she needs whilst being absolutely clear that there is no possibility of any future for them together.

This would also be the kind and intelligent approach towards you, as you would be reassured.

He actually appears to be both unkind and manipulative.

Sadly Doglover it isnt pessimism, its many many combined years of experience at the hands of men like this.

If you think we post these things for fun, or to hurt, or to play out some weird internet Eastenders then you are wrong. Its because we have been there.

I was the woman who he would change for. He loved me the most and the best. He would never do to me what he did to the others.

I wasnt, he didnt and he would.

OP, using words like rubicon won't convince anyone. this is not about IQ intelligence, it's about EQ emotional intelligence.

you have now proved here that you think you're special, the exception, the one person smart enough to 'win' him.

it's not about you. it's about the fact that he's emotionally involved to an excessive degree with a clingon. he knows you don't like it, but he won't stop.

YOU are not important enough for him to make that effort. he gets something out of this; mostly you on tenterhooks and snapping for any titbit you can get.

18m is nothing. clearly to him as 10yrs + meant nothing, you're a mere blip on the screen. he has socks in his life longer than he's had you.

you are deluded, and unless you make it a problem that he has to resolve or he loses you, he will carry on and on.

men like him won't do anything different unless they're made to. you're (to him) allowing this, permitting this, letting him do it.

i'll bet the open relationship would have been news to his ex.

I assumed "rubicon" was an autocorrect typo

Quick question.

Does he have kids with his ex?

rubicon: : a bounding or limiting line ; especially : one that when crossed commits a person irrevocably

coincidence that the autocorrect fits AF? :)

Interesting

No, he wasn't playing you against each other because until you looked at his phone- you didn't know from the the first date he had someone else in his life, his ex - the one he cheated on. Does she know you and he live together as a couple? Have you met her?

If you hadn't of looked, you still wouldn't know. He might think he's being caring and I'm sure he talks a good talk to you, but telling he her misses her too- well- that made you upset and rightly so. Once a week sounds a bit off as well to me- if she was " nuts" as he puts it she would be constantly calling etc. not keeping to the once a week catch up.

Its very odd he was sobbing about her whilst cooking. After a year and a half and he broke it off? Very strange. I also think it would be news to her that she agreed an open relationship! why is he guilty and feels he owes her so much? After all, he is with you now and has moved on- did he have a break before he and you dated and he was single? Did he live alone? Or move straight in with you?

And I don't think anyone on here thinks they are perfect:)

Rubicon also means committing oneself to a course of action. The Rubicon was a shallow river and acted as a boundary between Italy and Greece. By crossing it, julius Caesar committed an act of war, starting a civil war.

Thanks everyone

Good luck, DL. I hope it works out for you.

Me too, my guards are up. This is his last chance, no compromising.

In a healthy relationship of over a year's standing, you shouldn't have to keep your guard up or thinking tactically the way you seem to be.

You deserve better than this. Better, easier and more fun.

Are you brave enough to be honest with him OP? His x wasn't, she was scared she'd lose him and agreed to an open relationship

I mean, are you different from his ex? Can you tell him upfront without hesitation that you wouldn't tolerate an open relationship? that you won't tolerate being one of a few women he has some sort of relationship with?

I have already told him that