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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh shit, I'm going to pay for this.

125 replies

ginandlime · 15/09/2014 15:13

So, dh been ill for a long time, physically and mentally. Have said before he wakes me up every night, either rattling on about pain or other stuff. Last night it was suicide. This is a recurring theme and I usually cope but he decided last night that we both should. Now, I was scared, I'm not scared of him, I'm not scared that he will try and do something to me, but I'm a bit scared for him because this is a slightly different theme. So, got hold of his cpn and said get him into hospital. She turned up, he was funny, witty, charming, despite the fact that he hasn't changed his trousers for over a week and hasn't washed his hair for a fortnight. He got me upset so it looked as though I was the one that was unhinged.
He has today told me I need help, I'm unreasonable, and some other things that would make me a little too identifiable but are downright strange, essentially I'm a control freak who won't let him do what he wants to do. Not true and very odd as he doesn't leave the house, his choice.
Sorry. Just getting it out.

OP posts:

bumpiesonamission · 15/09/2014 15:16

Oh what a difficult position you are in. Do you have any emotional support or couples support?

just let it out, sometimes that's all that's needed

rainbowinmyroom · 15/09/2014 15:18

You need to leave. Now. This person is far, far too unstable to be alone with and I am quite concerned for your safety.

It is okay to leave such a person.

Lifesalemon · 15/09/2014 15:20

Sorry I haven't got anything very helpful to say only, that i feel for you and didn't want to just read and run.

PedlarsSpanner · 15/09/2014 15:23

If I am understanding correctly he has voiced a wish for a double suicide

Yes I would be urging you to leave quickly if you told me this in RL

Can you surreptitiously get a Grab Bag together - important docs, most precious personal effects, a few days worth of clothes, chargers for your gadgets and slip away.

guitarosauras · 15/09/2014 15:24

Phone his CPN again today. Explain how he's being, they'll have seen this before.
What's his diagnosis and when did he last have a meds review?

ScrambledeggLDCcakeBOAK · 15/09/2014 15:30

You seem to know quite a bit already due to obviously living with a man with bad mental health. So what I'm going to say is probably not be news to you but it's very likely his illness that is contributing to his being so mean to you.

He knows he's unwell he knows you know he's unwell but he refuses to admit the extent for now so turns it on you as attacking is his was of coping.

You have done nothing wrong, in fact he's very lucky he has you. You sound like a very capable loving and supportive partner!

I'm angry at his cpn! as his "carer" (I know horrible term) you can tell when he is swinging over into the danger territory and as such his cpn should have listened to you and been able to see past his charm offensive which is a common deflective tactic esp in manic patients (not saying he is manic obviously)

Good luck Hun you must be very tired at the moment.

I'm sending hugs and some rocket fuel to get you through.

Annarose2014 · 15/09/2014 15:31

He has started talking about double suicide. Soon he will start musing on murder/suicide since you won't just see sense.

How much more of a warning does a person need?!

cailindana · 15/09/2014 15:38

I have to agree with the others love, it's time to get out. He is very unstable and it's not a safe situation for you to be in. Is there somewhere you can go?

enjoyingscience · 15/09/2014 15:53

Do you have anyone to stay with tonight? You really, really need to go, even if it's just until he's stable again.

Thumbwitch · 15/09/2014 15:58

So the CPN decided he didn't need to go to hospital based on him being witty and charming, and just ignored the fact he'd been talking about double suicide?

Do you have a crisis team number you can call for him? Suicide is a big enough red flag, I would have thought, but I have to agree with the others that it's not that big a step for him to jump from you choosing to commit suicide with him, to him helping you along with that (i.e. doing it for you).

Please call back and get someone else out to assess him, pronto.

Original poster

ginandlime · 15/09/2014 16:01

I'm honestly not concerned. Yes I'm angry with the CPN, if you take a look at my other threads you can see he is manipulative. I have 'coped' for over twenty years, not just with this, but with a great deal more. I'm tired now and yes I feel guilty.

OP posts:

sunbathe · 15/09/2014 16:01

I'd call his CPN back at the very least.

Howlongtillbedtime · 15/09/2014 16:04

Can you call his CPN s line manager ? I would be worried for both of you .

Howlongtillbedtime · 15/09/2014 16:06

What did you mean by "pay for this " ?

guitarosauras · 15/09/2014 16:10

Why do you feel guilty op? His health isn't anyone's fault.

ouryve · 15/09/2014 16:11

It's honestly time to stop "coping". Get away from him. Forget guilt. It's a crap emotion, at the best of times.

Granville72 · 15/09/2014 16:31

How do you mean 'you're going to pay for this'?

He needs serious help, for his own safety and yours. He has a serious mental illness, you can have no idea of his next move or motive no matter how well you 'think' you know him or 'honestly are not concerned'.

How on earth can you not be concerned?

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard · 15/09/2014 17:58

I agree with others that before anything else you go to a safe place.

I haven't read your other thread but - next if you have not done this, please now write down a history of your life with this man, detailing what has happened, how often and exactly what he has said and when, as much as you can remember, and send it to his cpn recorded delivery and copy by recorded delivery to the psychiatrist /his gp and your own gp and whoever else is involved. Tell them the effect on you. Tell them you are in fear for your own life. You can tell them to keep these letters confidential so he doesn't know that you have written about him. They will have to take notice.

If you are around him again, keep a detailed diary and send it regularly to the professional medical team.

I know someone who has done this in different circumstances. Detailed written reports from the inside count for a great deal and help the professionals to help you and him.

Original poster

ginandlime · 15/09/2014 18:00

By 'pay for this', I mean he is going to make my life difficult for a while. He's currently not speaking to me, well he wasn't before he took himself off to bed. I daresay he'll be waking me up in the night, there will be a few comments that I need help, I need to change, or I can't change even though I need to, I'm a control freak. Basically, he'll just have a go at me until he gets bored, but that means taking me apart and he will usually go at it until he gets a result. He does need to be in hospital, but he can talk his way out of it if he wants to, and for some reason, he wants to. I know he doesn't like it, but he isn't washing, sleeping, eating properly, functioning. His meds are doing bugger all and all he wants is cannabis. This is another way in which I am a control freak, I won't let him have any. He doesn't have a good record with it and I have no intention of going back to that.

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 15/09/2014 18:14

First of all call the Crisis team or your GP. Tell them he has been discussing suicide and double suicide, that he's not washing/sleeping/eating properly, that the CPN was fooled by the fact he was charming & amusing when she was there, but he went back to his real self once she had left, that you are concerned that he may be a danger to himself and also to you and that potentially he may need to be sectioned.

Secondly, I think you may consider whether you can be carer to this man who is not just ill but abusive. You may need to accept that the problems that he has coupled with the abuse mean that his problems are now too serious and too damaging for you to cope with. It may be that everyone would be better off if he were cared for by professionals. If he doesn't like the way you care for him, if he finds you controlling etc, then you don't have to care for him.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2014 18:23

You have been living like this for 20 years ? How the fuck ?

Hissy · 15/09/2014 18:29

you can't let this ddrop, he could very well kill you to make a point.$
call the police now, tell them you're feeling threatened, that he's deeply disturbed but playing a game.

this is pure evil, pure domestic abuse. demand CPN sections him or that you are taken to a safe house until he is.

ihatethecold · 15/09/2014 18:40

My heart goes out to you op.
You deserve better than this.

Dragonfly71 · 15/09/2014 18:41

This is definitely DV being masked by mental health issues. But I guess you already know that?
Keep posting and getting support. And remember that because you have lived with this abuse so long you minimise it, in order to cope. I feel worried for you. Take care.

Timeforabiscuit · 15/09/2014 18:45

It sounds like your being tortured and imprisoned.

The sleep deprivation alone would!d leave me screaming, do you have a point at which you can say enough? Do you have support for just you?

I just cannot see how this is even remotely sustainable,

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