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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh shit, I'm going to pay for this.

125 replies

ginandlime · 15/09/2014 15:13

So, dh been ill for a long time, physically and mentally. Have said before he wakes me up every night, either rattling on about pain or other stuff. Last night it was suicide. This is a recurring theme and I usually cope but he decided last night that we both should. Now, I was scared, I'm not scared of him, I'm not scared that he will try and do something to me, but I'm a bit scared for him because this is a slightly different theme. So, got hold of his cpn and said get him into hospital. She turned up, he was funny, witty, charming, despite the fact that he hasn't changed his trousers for over a week and hasn't washed his hair for a fortnight. He got me upset so it looked as though I was the one that was unhinged.
He has today told me I need help, I'm unreasonable, and some other things that would make me a little too identifiable but are downright strange, essentially I'm a control freak who won't let him do what he wants to do. Not true and very odd as he doesn't leave the house, his choice.
Sorry. Just getting it out.

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 15/09/2014 18:47

Why are you still there? You don't get a medal on your deathbed for living in a shit situation all your life.

ouryve · 15/09/2014 18:53

The fact that he is able to turn on the charm for the few minutes that a professional is visiting makes his behaviour all the more frightening, to be honest. That talk of double suicide is not 100% the ramblings of a man who doesn't have any control of his thoughts at all. Waking you up at night is not 100% the actions of a man who is merely too frightened to sleep. It's a control thing and you are less likely to have your wits about you when you've just been aroused from sleep and not so likely to just walk away because, after all, you just want your bed. The action alone is one of cruelty, before even considering the words.

AnyFucker · 15/09/2014 18:54

I really, really hope you do not have children in the house.

tipsytrifle · 15/09/2014 19:14

Just adding my voice of concern laced with a dose of terror at the potential for disaster that dominates your daily life. Please do as advised - calling anyone officially involved in his care. And leaving. Yes, doing that would actually make me feel better.

Would you consider phoning Women's Aid? As in, would you do it asap? Someone else noted, and I agree, that whatever mental health conditions are at play, this is an abusive relationship.

tipsytrifle · 15/09/2014 19:17

Forgot to ask - what do you mean by Oh shit, I'm going to pay for this?

Very much agreeing with ouryve too. What are your thoughts on this view?

BingoBonkers · 15/09/2014 19:25

Do you honestly trust him not to do something daft?

gamerchick · 15/09/2014 19:41

Why are you still there OP? And I agree.
Please tell us there are no kids in the house.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 15/09/2014 19:46

Why would you choose to live like this op?

TSSDNCOP · 15/09/2014 19:48

You poor, poor woman.

Can you tell us why you stay?

GoldfishCrackers · 15/09/2014 19:49

This is unsustainable. It may have become your normal, but your relationship, your home are so so far from being the safe places they should be. You don't have to live like this.
He doesn't like the fact that he thinks you're controlling him. You don't like the fact that he is threatening and abusing you. Leave him. You don't have to sacrifice your life, your happiness for him.
So he fooled his cpn. Don't accept that and call someone else, as others up thread have suggested.

ilovechristmas1 · 15/09/2014 19:51

i have mental health issues and are under the mental health team

if i was acting in this way towards a partner i would not blame them for calling the team,he needs help you are not qualified for,you need to protect yourself,having mental health problems does not mean that we are not responsible for our actions,it is not an exscuse

you must be shattered emotionally and physically you need to think of yourself,it must be draining to say the least

PatriciaHolm · 15/09/2014 19:53

Why, why, WHY are you still there?

You're not his saviour, his nurse, his only hope. You deserve so much more than this.

I know, he's ill, but you can't cure him and it sounds as if he's spent 20 years+ avoiding getting help. At that point, all you are doing now is prolonging your own suffering.

ilovechristmas1 · 15/09/2014 19:53

meant to add Drugs is a big no no as im sure you are aware

if he's serious about getting better he should not be asking for cannabis,that will no way help his situation quite the oppossite

Flowers for you op

Itsfab · 15/09/2014 19:57

I suggest you secretly record the next time he abuses you and tries to get you to commit suicide with him. Then make everyone listen to it until someone helps and makes sure we aren't reading about you next week as another victim of a violent husband.

Thistledew · 15/09/2014 19:58

I used to live with someone who would keep me awake all night when he was drunk and feeling depressed. I used to tell myself that "this is not the real him".

I was wrong about that. It was as real as anything. It really happened, and it happened because he was feeling bad about himself and wanted me to feel bad too.

This man you are living with wants you dead and has been fantasising about making it happen. He may really want to be dead, but he also really wants you dead too. If he didn't, he would be finding a way, no matter how hard it was, to stop having those feelings. Instead, it is easier for him to fantasise about you being dead.

Travelledtheworld · 15/09/2014 20:00

OP it's not unusual to stay with an abuser for a very long time. The abuse becomes the norm and you just live with it.

My friend was in an abusive relationship with a mentally ill man. Married for 15 years. She kept giving him the benefit of the doubt even though he was hitting the children. Social services were involved but did bugger all.
He was unkempt, verbally abusive, stealing her money, making their lives miserable.
Then she went to talk to her own GP who said " it's your life you need to be worried about, not his. Put yourself first."

So she initiated divorce proceedings and got him out of the house. No guilt.

Leave. Just do it. Please.

Flossiex2 · 15/09/2014 20:08

You seem to be downplaying what has happened and you say you are not concerned yet your thread title shows you are worried there are going to be repercussions for your actions. So how can you be safe?

ImperialBlether · 15/09/2014 20:19

Just adding my voice to the crowd. OP, you really need to get away from him. Is there somewhere else you can stay tonight?

BuggersMuddle · 15/09/2014 20:41

OP I don't often say this on here, but I would be genuinely concerned about staying with someone who is thinking / talking in this way.

What are you getting from this relationship. Mental ill health needs support in the same was as physical, yes, but if he's treating you like shit, not accessing the appropriate treatment and you've tried (and geez, 20 years sounds like you've more than tried) you really don't owe him any more just because it's a mental health issue. Just because he's mentally ill doesn't mean he's not an arsehole.

GarlicSeptimus · 15/09/2014 23:55

Another "Wake up and stop this, please!" post. Your self-sacrifice is not making your patient better, is it? It's just feeding his sense of power ... possibly, you may feel, the only sense of power he has? But it's his choice to choose terrorising you over engaging with his treatment. He prefers controlling you to controlling his illness. In giving him this power, what do you achieve? Nothing for him. Something for you?

You're martyred to his moods. I think you'll need your own therapy to free you from this toxic trap, and I think you should start it very soon.

BiscuitMillionaire · 16/09/2014 00:06

Good post from Garlic. Please read it and then read it again.

ilovelamp82 · 16/09/2014 00:10

Another one that thinks you need to get out. You need to honestly sit and think what you gain from this relationship and listen to outside perspective to keep you safe, not just physically but emotionally.

HumblePieMonster · 16/09/2014 07:12

I've only read the opening post.

Get the fuck out of there.

FunkyBoldRibena · 16/09/2014 07:28

Good grief. Why are you choosing to continue this merry dance? Life doesn't have to be this bad.

Original poster
ginandlime · 16/09/2014 08:56

Why do I stay? Oh too many reasons and some of them entirely selfish. I wasn't always like this, life wasn't always like this. I was married before so having one marriage behind me I thought I ought to try and make this one work. In the early days I used to put my foot down about going out etc. but over time it's stopped because it isn't worth it. If you pin him down, he says it's his 'adjustment' time, the times when he isn't engaging when I get home, or is on the sofa and not speaking to anyone because we'd all been out all day (at a funeral) and he hadn't adjusted to sudden noise, the melee of everyone coming back. Yes, I know. I stay because I like my house. I stay because I am the person that made sure the mortgage was paid for twenty odd years. Because my money paid the deposit on the house and because my money paid off the mortgage. I stay because he used to be funny and kind and clever. He's still clever, the funny and kind not so much the last year, although there are still flashes of that. Mind you, even in the early days there were elements of control. I'm intelligent and strong but can't ever see clearly what's going on in the relationship.
I am going for counselling, it starts next week. I organised it a few weeks ago. I am aware that something needs to change and I think I am aware that it's not all me. I'm just getting it out here because it's a safe space and I only have one person in RL that I can talk to and she has her own stuff to deal with, so I don't want to continually dump on her.

OP posts: