Oh shit, I'm going to pay for this.

[ginandlime]

So, dh been ill for a long time, physically and mentally. Have said before he wakes me up every night, either rattling on about pain or other stuff. Last night it was suicide. This is a recurring theme and I usually cope but he decided last night that we both should. Now, I was scared, I'm not scared of him, I'm not scared that he will try and do something to me, but I'm a bit scared for him because this is a slightly different theme. So, got hold of his cpn and said get him into hospital. She turned up, he was funny, witty, charming, despite the fact that he hasn't changed his trousers for over a week and hasn't washed his hair for a fortnight. He got me upset so it looked as though I was the one that was unhinged.
He has today told me I need help, I'm unreasonable, and some other things that would make me a little too identifiable but are downright strange, essentially I'm a control freak who won't let him do what he wants to do. Not true and very odd as he doesn't leave the house, his choice.
Sorry. Just getting it out.

It is good you are going to a councillor. You should also have a chat with a solicitor to see how much of the house you can keep. If he hasn't been looking after children and he brought in no assets you shouldn't have to give him half. It would be worth finding out for sure even if you don't act on it.

First of all, staying in an abusive relationship because you were married before and feel obliged to make this one work is the worst logic I ever heard. You can't make decisions about the present based on past events, you can't make decisions about a current relationship based on a previous relationship. By the same token, you shouldn't stay with someone who's abusive now just because he was nice at the beginning.

Secondly, you can't see clearly what's going on because he's abusive and manipulative and likely always has been.

Thirdly, you say you're aware something needs to change, that it's not 'all' you, but he will never change, and if you try to change yourself it will have no effect because you are not the problem. The only thing you can change is the situation, and you really need to get out. Staying in a terribly, torturous relationship for the sake of a house is crazy. You could be so much happier and freer in a different house without a twisted man breathing down your neck and controlling your every move.

Terrible not terribly ^

What Twinklestein said!

Your h is abusive. He may or may not have MH problems - but if he can act normally enough to fool his CPN then that's a big red flag - but your life sounds horrendous, and your h sounds awful.

His behaviour won't change. Why would it? He has you where he wants you. I'd get legal advice and get him to move out. Or move out yourself. Life could be so much better for you.

I posted on your thread last month. Please read back all the answers there. I know you're short of sleep on top of being kept in FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) by this manipulative monster, so processing everything can't be easy.

This has been escalating and now you need to summon all your reserves of energy and get him out of your life. Counselling is good but please talk to Women's Aid so you can form a plan. We can offer advice but you'll benefit from voicing this out loud.

Has he been hospitalised for a mental health disorder before? It sounds from your post as if he has, and that you recognise the signs of him needing to be in hospital again now.

If you think he needs to be hospitalised again I would work on achieving this - talk to his GP, CPN, whoever you need to until you get results.

After he is admitted to hospital, I suggest you do the following:

1. Get legal advice if you haven't already done so. Many solicitors will offer a free introductory appointment.
2. Tell the hospital team treating your husband that your marriage has broken down irretrievably, you are now separated and he cannot return to your home. You are perfectly within your rights to do this. Psychiatric inpatient care should include a social worker as part of a multidisciplinary team - if he is essentially homeless the social worker will have to look into options for alternative accommodation for him when he is discharged. It's not your job to sort this out.

It might sound callous, but this would be a way of moving him out of the marital home in a way that keeps you physically safe and gives you some head space. You can sort out the legal aspects of splitting finances (including arrangements for the house) later - the priority at the moment has to be getting some physical and mental distance between you.

Sound like you are mainly staying because of the financial input you have in the house, not once have (that I can see) you said that you stay because you love him.

So stay because of the house, doesn't mean you have to stay with him and put up with the situation does it and stay with him?

I'm glad you are seeking help, it sounds like you have been deluded in to thinking all his problems are purely because of you. And in all honesty, I'd be calling every resource out there until someone listened and got this man some serious help that he desperately needs.

Have you spoken to his GP? Maybe get a home visit arranged

I read your previous thread, which I realise I read at the time but didn't immediately connect the two. Your husband is highly, highly manipulative, abusive and he's doing it to the children too. ASD & a pain condition does not make people abusive.

If you can't do it for yourself, and least leave him for the sake of the children. I don't think they would be impressed if they knew you were prioritising your house over their wellbeing.

I think I do still love him, but that's part of the reason I'm going to see somebody. I don't know how much I'm being manipulated, how much of this mess is me, either allowing it to happen (although it just seemed to creep up on me) or not acknowledging it happening. I don't know, it's all sort of messy.
As for the house thing, I'm not prioritising it over the children. I'm doing it for them. They to have ASDs and need security in the form of something physical. This is it. Let's face it, if we break up and he has half, it'll go on cannabis. Maybe my priorities are wrong, or I suspect more, confused, again, that's why I'm going to see someone. This ball of wool in my head needs a beginning and end and the knots unravelling.

As hard as it seems, you can't save him from himself, only he can do that and the help of proper medical help, even if that means being admitted to a unit.

The best thing you can do for yourself, your children and for him, is to get him some help. If it were me, I'd be seeing & calling his doctor, and his support team and not letting up until he has got the help he desperately needs.

If they are ASD spectrum then they are vulnerable and have their own issues to deal with. It's hard enough negotiating that without having to deal with an emotionally abusive father. What are you teaching them about the world and about themselves? It's clear from your previous thread that he abuses hem directly too, that is unforgivable.

I understand that its more difficult to move the children, but it is perfectly possible to achieve if you go about it in the right way. Please don't deceive yourself that you are staying put for the children, you're not doing them any favours.

If he wants to spend his money on cannabis after the split that's up to him. Your children should be the main priority here.

I think I do still love him

no. that's hysterical bonding, you are so worn down by him you think you can't survive without him.

you will only get BEtter without him. This is the truth. your counsellor will help you see this

get him sectioned, he is a danger to you. get him removed from your home by any means necessary. he is only there to torment and torture you. you deserve better in life than this.

he is destroying you and your children, they will suffer in their adult lives as a result of this vile man. End it now, keep him away from you and the DC, by fair means or foul.

you are at great risk here. make no mistake.

If he 'gets half' (he won't, you have the children, he is unsuitable) he blows it on cannabis. So what? let him smoke himself into oblivion.

So, if I understand correctly, he is suicidal, and he is now telling you that he wants to kill you both? First you, then him, I suppose?

Do you have children?

You have kept kids around this man all these years... poor buggers.

Keep posting and so fucking what if he spends his half of the house on dope.. let him crack on to be free of him.

your life sounds knackering.. why on earth do you want to prolong it? You could have a calm consistent life with your kids if you saw all of this for what it is.

Thing is if he used to be funny and kind, now he's neither. Odd flashes of humour or gentleness don't cut it when he keeps you on a short leash and deprives you of sleep then talks about a suicide pact. (I use 'pact' in a loose sense because it's not you signing up for this).

I don't want to see headlines in the press and wonder if it is ginandlime

If he goes through with this, he'll suffocate the kids first. You know this right?

You poor thing, you sound utterly exhausted.

What would it take to get him out? He is the one who should be leaving, as as others have said, he won't be getting half. Nowhere near.

He is either dangerously unstable, or a seasoned and heartless manipulator. Whether he enters the care of professionals or makes his own way, his time under your roof is done.

The first and most important thing is he will NOT hurt us. He isn't physically capable of doing so. The 'children' are in sixth form.

He has been difficult, last night and today. That's how I pay for it. He behaves as though he has done nothing wrong and that I am evil for not engaging with him socially, or in any other way. He plays little games: can you get me a painkiller. Which I do. Pass me a drink, it's in front of him, but the pain makes moving to reach it impossible. Don't believe that. One dd has gone out now and won't be back until Thursday, the other one I will take to her boyfriend's place tonight and pick her up early for school tomorrow.
He cancelled crisis team today, they're no good to him and it's a waste of everyones time.
I am getting there. Just need to talk things through with the counsellor first, clear my head and then move forward. I have, once or twice thought about cancelling the appointment, when he managed to behave for about three weeks for example, so yesterday and today have strengthened my resolve. I just need this place to stop me from wobbling.
Thank you.

Why do you think he isn't physically capable of hurting anyone?

Everyone is physically capable of hurting or killing someone if they put their mind to it.

Please explain.

Do it for your children if you can't do it for you.

Well gin has said he is physically unwell and has been for a long time, so maybe he absolutely doesn't have the strength or movement capacity to hurt anyone else.

Unless he is paralysed he is capable of seriously hurting you. For a start he could put his pain meds in your drinks virtually without lifting a finger.

Having suicidal thoughts is not uncommon. Having thoughts of a double suicide and voicing them is terrifying. I've lived with someone who dished out beatings and verbal abuse all the time (I was a child) and so violence, shouting abuse etc is all pretty normal to me. But your husband sounds far more terrifying than that. He needs help and you and your dc need to get out or get him out.

If he's capable of washing and dressing himself (even though he hasn't bothered for a week), then he is physically capable of harming someone.

He's already seemed to have brainwashed the OP into thinking its all her fault and she's seeking counselling.

I'd be getting him sectioned first.

OP the fact that they're in sixth form doesn't mean that it's ok for him to be abusive to them. It's sad enough that you've enabled his abuse of them for so long, but it would really help them if you showed them boundaries and said "it's not ok for a man to treat you/us like his", otherwise they learn this is normal.

You say you can't move house but yet one daughter is apparently ok to stay away until Thursday and another is fine to to stay over at her bfs. Some ASD people can't stay a night away from home. That's clearly not the case here.

Your only chance of freedom right now is to get him reported, sectioned and out of your house. grab it with both hands.

he may not need the crisis team, but YOU DO!