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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh shit, I'm going to pay for this.

125 replies

ginandlime · 15/09/2014 15:13

So, dh been ill for a long time, physically and mentally. Have said before he wakes me up every night, either rattling on about pain or other stuff. Last night it was suicide. This is a recurring theme and I usually cope but he decided last night that we both should. Now, I was scared, I'm not scared of him, I'm not scared that he will try and do something to me, but I'm a bit scared for him because this is a slightly different theme. So, got hold of his cpn and said get him into hospital. She turned up, he was funny, witty, charming, despite the fact that he hasn't changed his trousers for over a week and hasn't washed his hair for a fortnight. He got me upset so it looked as though I was the one that was unhinged.
He has today told me I need help, I'm unreasonable, and some other things that would make me a little too identifiable but are downright strange, essentially I'm a control freak who won't let him do what he wants to do. Not true and very odd as he doesn't leave the house, his choice.
Sorry. Just getting it out.

OP posts:

enjoyingscience · 17/09/2014 12:36

It seems to me like you're viewing this with the opinion that he is a fundamentally good person who is behaving abnormally. This is a lovely idea, but not every human being is fundamentally good.

He is a fundamentally bad person, capable of occasional kindness/humour/whatever. Perhaps he wasn't always this way, but this is what he is now.

The fact you can still imagine him to be good underneath, and capable of caring about you, modifying his behaviour for you etc is amazing, and shows you to be a far better person than he is (as if you didn't already know it!). Sadly, you need to stop imagining this and accept that his abusive behaviour is the authentic him, and that he is fully aware of the impact of his behaviour on you. In fact, the impact on you is what drives him to behave the way he does. He gets something out of abusing you.

Granville72 · 17/09/2014 13:03

Counselling may or may not help you, it wont help him. He's already convinced you it's you with the problem not him.

He needs serious help before he harms himself, you or the children. Live in denial all you like, but this is the blunt truth and facts.

You need to talk to his GP immediately, involve Crisis, his CPN, hell even get an appointment set up so they all turn up together at your house. He needs sectioning, he is a danger to himself and others.

You came on here to vent, get advice and help I take it. Please do not ignore the advice and help you are being urged to take. As a mother, you at least owe it to your children to not to have to live in this abusive and dysfunctional home life that they have been brought in to.

AnyFucker · 17/09/2014 18:05

Somebody who is genuinely mentally ill cannot switch it on and off like he does

OP, I hate to say this, but you have been massively duped for 20 years. Stop this charade, FGS.

tipsytrifle · 17/09/2014 18:41

I agree with what enjoyingscience said @ Wed 17-Sep-14 12:36:23

ginandlime - please start to think about you and a future that has room for joy .. and safety

spongebob5 · 17/09/2014 20:24

Gin, I am a CPN & I understand what you are saying about your husband being able to 'hold' himself together while the professionals are assessing him. I would telephone his CPN again & explain the current problems - don't take no for an answer, being a pain in the arse (not that you are ) is sometimes the only way to get your voice heard. I do also think you need to think about the future of yourself & your children. Counselling will hopefully help you think about how you want your life to be. Another poster mentioned the Freedom programme, I agree that this would be helpful to you. Good luck

spongebob5 · 17/09/2014 20:26

Also if you are concerned for your or your children's safety, call the Police.

GatoradeMeBitch · 18/09/2014 12:52

All the best OP x

FeeAmarylis · 20/09/2014 14:30

Actually, I get it about being mentally ill, but being able to hold it together. My Ex used to be able to, even when outrageously unwell with his bipolar- to avoid admission. It took a long time for the MH team to believe that, when I said he was unwell, they needed to a) come to the house, so he wouldn't cancel and b) allow a couple of hours, so he would run out of self control.
BUT he was also abusive, and it took a while for me to understand that that was not acceptable even if he WAS mentally ill.

Original poster

ginandlime · 23/09/2014 20:30

I've spoken with w.a. advice line.

OP posts:

Mandatorymongoose · 23/09/2014 21:37

Glad you've spoken to W. A. I hope they've been helpful and I'm sorry you're in this situation.

I would seriously consider phoning for a Dr / Crisis Team or even an ambulance every single time he starts talking about wanting to kill himself. If he means what he says then it will show the seriousness of the problem and hopefully get him helped. If there's a level of manipulation involved then hopefully it will put him off.

I hope you reach a point where you can leave and start getting your life back .

AnyFucker · 23/09/2014 21:40

Thta's good, love. What did you/they say ?

Original poster

Ginandlime · 23/09/2014 23:16

Try not to engage or waste emotional energy trying to rationalise irrational behaviour.
Currently we have loud music. It is today, my fault that certain things got messed up ten years ago and the knock on effect is huge. I did try discussing this but have given up. He did ask yesterday if I thought he was abusive, stupidly I did say that he could be, so in trouble for that too. We have had no more of the suicide stuff though, he started and I told him I would call the police,so he stopped. That was last Saturday. Counselling this week.

OP posts:

Random1999 · 23/09/2014 23:21

If he stopped when you said i will call police its an act. Double suicide/suicide in this mans case is supposedly irrational, Irrational thinking doesnt mean you stop saying/thinking these things when you might attract legal attention.

Random1999 · 23/09/2014 23:24

He can switch his behavior on and off, meaning it is NOT any form of psychosis or manic episode which can't be switched on and off. He IS NOT suffering from these MH issues what he is is controlling, dangerous and an amazing liar i'd be out the door at the mention of double suicide!! Please leave op, I fear for your safety.x

lavenderhoney · 23/09/2014 23:35

Its great you've taken steps to see someone yourself and called WA. However he now knows your plans and he won't like it. And you've lasted him to leave etc.

Personally I think you're in a lot of danger. You won't always be near a phone you know. You could call 101 and speak to someone and get it logged so they have you on a high alert should you call 999. You can sign up for a text service too.

You might want to look at making sure the bathroom door locks properly and keep a spare mobile in there ( hidden)

He seems to be able to turn his behaviour on and off at will, which makes it even scarier tbh. You're not in it together to make him better. He is so used to treating you like this, he can't stop. He doesn't want to. And you keep taking it which is doing you and he no good.. But talking to him about it is not an option. The best thing for you is to leave, really. You've got your dc staying elsewhere already, out of harms way. Get yourself out. And don't discuss it with him. I would see the gp too, and not cover for anyone, frankly. Say you're not safe and you want him out. What are they waiting for, you could ask.

Can you sleep in a dc room and put a lock on the door until you move? A cheap bolt or two is easy to screw on yourself with a screwdriver without him seeing. Don't forget your phone.

Random1999 · 23/09/2014 23:36

"You will either leave with a big bag or in a big bag"

Random1999 · 23/09/2014 23:44

Something that was said to my mother, years ago...
Keep a phone on you at ALL times. Charge up a spare battery (NOT THE PHONE ITSELF) and keep the phone and the fully charged battery on you at ALL times, watch his moves, do not sleep in his bed do not eat anything he makes you same goes for drinks even if they are sealed (yes he may well inject something into a plastic bottle even if the seal is still done up, I doubt the average joe bloggs would notice a tiny hole in the top half of the bottle), sounds stupid but keep your curtains OPEN and windows OPEN, if he shuts them open them again, If you start to argue and he shuts them, that is very subtle warning and he wants no one to see what will happen next, I doubt in all this time he has never been violent to you and in any case theres a first time for everything. If he has an air/gas rifle, Hide the gas cartridges and pellets, If he has any large knives take note of where they are kept if he has any weapons at all that breech laws and regulations take note of where they are, what they are and if you were threatened at all no matter how subtle the threat was.
Also keep a mini can of deodorant on yourself at all times in a pocket or such, If any violent behavior starts, go for the eyes.

Original poster

ginandlime · 24/09/2014 08:37

He has never, ever been violent toward me or the children. Let's face it, he doesn't need to be. There are a couple of holes in the walls, that is all.
Thank you for all the advice, though. I will bear some of it in mind. The phone is permanently in my back pocket.

OP posts:

Granville72 · 24/09/2014 10:14

why the holes in the wall then?

That is the act of a violent person who cannot control a temper

Random1999 · 24/09/2014 15:05

granville agreed.
We can all sit here till the cows come home telling you what this is, what to do and how to get out but you wont listen because for whatever reason, you love him, your scared of being alone, you believe your worthless or simply have gotten used to it, whatever it is you WON'T leave. until the day you truly see everything for yourself. Doesn't matter what we can see you have to see it to. Its sad really... Your poor, poor children are who I really feel for.
fyi, its about control, he will hit you if he needs to to gain control.. Sorry love, I'm out. I can't bear to think about what happens to you and women like you every day....

seasavage · 24/09/2014 15:39

Rando./ Granville. It is frustrating to see someone reluctant to take a step towards safety. But the decision has to come from that person, pressure to 'conform' is what they need to actually reject. Even when that pressure is for their own good. Laying it on thick won't help. As anonymous supportive voices maybe being patient?

Twinklestein · 24/09/2014 15:59

He has never, ever been violent toward me or the children. Let's face it, he doesn't need to be

You're right, he doesn't because you capitulate. But if he finds his control slipping though, if he suspects that you are restless and considering leaving, it might not be the wall he hits next time...

Original poster

ginandlime · 24/09/2014 16:56

You see, I don't understand why you lot think that. I am taking steps. They may be slow, but I'm doing it, what's more I'll get there.
As for my children, it's the eighteen year olds that are here, when they're here. They will tell you that it's only this year that they have noticed anything. I am a good mother. In fact I'm an extraordinarily good mother and have succeeded in protecting my children from the realisation that their father may not be quite what they hoped for many years.
Twinkle I suspect you are closest to the truth, having said that, he knows that any sign of physical violence, and that includes damaging property, I will call the police without hesitation.
I do feel, really quite strongly that whilst some of you see it as being honest about the situation, the way that (some of you) phrase things, particularly about children, is detrimental to those seeking help, I don't need to be blamed and judged, I get enough of that at home, thanks.
It is extremely hard to cope with twenty odd years and some of you seem to expect a person to be able to sort themselves out overnight, which seems a touch unfair to me.

OP posts:

AbbieHoffmansAfro · 24/09/2014 17:00

I agree, Rome wasn't built in a day. The most important thing is that you know you don't have to put up with this and you don't let yourself feel guilty about not wanting to put up with it any more. It really does sound awful. You've held your family together for years but you really don't have to put your life on hold any longer.

I hope the counselling helps you.

ilovechristmas1 · 24/09/2014 19:18

if you think your children are not effected you are in denial,your in denial anyway that is why 20yrs later you are still with your DP

you may see this as harsh but i was in a similar position for 7yrs,it was only after therapy and time i could be honest about things,sometimes i will ??? the past but have to give myself a nudge to realise how awful my relationship was and i will always carry guilt about my children living in a not healthy relationship

but i stopped it and can try and make the childrens lifes happy and secure

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